Failure Is Aspirational For These People

Leave it to the All My Children writers to interpret the query "Can this show get any worse?" as a challenge, rather than a depressed, rhetorical question. "It can, and how!" they say gleefully, as they set about writing their latest stories*. That's how we wind up with people flying face first into a glass table, it's part of the writers' quest to teach us that yes, Virginia, there is something worse than horrific.

*By stories, I mean "crap" and by "writing", I mean "word vomit".

Between Reese getting up close and personal with shards of glass, and Krystal, Gold-Digger Supreme marrying David without looking at her pre-nup (How is it possible that they ruined the essence of what made Krystal Krystal? How can you ruin something that already has no redeeming value?), this week has been terrible and it is only going to get worse. After the jump, the ultra-disturbing promo of evil, with spoilers.

I want you to imagine the worst AMC-related plot twist, and then multiply its wrong factor by 84. Then you'll be roughly in the same hemisphere as what's to come.

I want this show dead.

Has ABC ever released a more cold and clinical promo? Usually their ads are all about bombast and "THE ________ THAT WILL CHANGE _________ FOREVER". You'd think that the...reunion of a former, um, beloved (???!!!??) couple, would inspire something like "THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. KENDALL AND RYAN REUNITE", but...no:

Gravelly Voiced Promo Man: It's been years since they were together. This week, as they mourn their best friend....how close will grief push them?

Yes, it has been years since they were together, and they are mourning they're best friend. It's purely factual information! Even Gravelly Voiced Promo Man realizes that there is literally no way to make Kendall and Ryan reuniting in the biblical sense appealing.

There are probably worse things in the Pine Valley world than Ryan and Kendall sleeping together, and I am sure that we will see said worse things during May sweeps, but right now, this is seriously the most terrible thing I can imagine happening on AMC because:

• Kendall's LEGITIMATE feelings of betrayal and hurt will be dropped because now she will be the one doing the betraying.
• Reese, who is now going to be BLIND, will be able to sneer smugly down at Kendall (well, in Kendall's general direction, at least) from on top of her high horse because all Reese did was make out with/stalk Zach, she didn't do anything as horrible as sleep with him.

• Reese is going to be BLIND, did I mention that? Because we haven't seen soap writers do that before, trying to get audiences to feel bad for a vile character by giving him/her a life-threatening illness or injury. If Tamara Braun had signed a longer contract, I bet that they'd have given her cancer. How else to get audiences to root for someone who sucks?! And don't say anything like "write characters like normal human beings", because that's just crazy!

• We already watched Kendall have ill-advised grief sex with someone last year. I know that we all tried to repress the memory, so the quick recap is: terrible. It was terrible. And those were back in the days of Barbara Esensten and James Harmon Brown who were profoundly untalented, but who look like the Labines compared to the tools sitting in the writers room now. Sitting through this story with even less coherent storytelling and writing talent...I can't even imagine the horrors that this will unleash.

• Ryan and Kendall together, and I am not trying to be hyperbolic or drama queenish about it, STAB MY SOUL.

Comments

[Melanie]

Preach it Mallory

[Dawn]

Mallory, I applaud you...

The show continues to hit rock bottom and with this latest crap I can't see AMC latest much longer...

WTH wants to watch Kendall have sex with her abuser.... Not to mention, Aidan having sex with an insane woman..

Oh yeah, and tuning in to see poor, pathetic, victim Reese...> Everything is Kendall's fault because she woke up from that damn coma and didn't welcome the skank that was chasing after her husband and convinced to have a baby with her behind Kendall's back, with open arms..and she's still chasing after Zach..

This is all a set up to destroy Zach, KEndall, Zendall so that Reese comes out with her hands cleans and Ryan has a new victim, his biggest victim Kendall.

I do have a question, can you tell me why Pratt, Frons, Carruthers still have a job??? because I just don't get it..

Sorry, for venting, but venting is all I do these days....thanks to TIIC destroying everything good on AMC...

[donna]

*By stories, I mean "crap" and by "writing", I mean "word vomit"

Quite possibly the best sentence EVER.

How can you ruin something that already has no redeeming value?

I fear we'll find out the answer to that question sometime in the near future.

The only redeeming thing about AMC these days is reading your wonderful, blessed rage about it, Mallory.

Rage on.

[Ann]

This is ridiculous. It is beyond me why they would destroy Zach and Kendall to prop up a newbie character with no fan appeal. I know the actress has a history elsewhere, but she's been an unappealing plague during her tenure in Pine Valley.

It's totally unclear why they're sacrificing a top couple at the altar of a non-entity. I appreciate the promo because it's given me ample time to delete this show from my DVR recording schedule. I'm not going to watch this train wreck.

[natty3]

yeah amc is bad but its miles better than GH

[Carl]

"It's totally unclear why they're sacrificing a top couple at the altar of a non-entity."

They're sacrificing Kendall. They're turning Zach into the new version of Pratt's hero, Sonny Corinthos.

[minirth]

I'm still in a state of shock that they've found a partner for Bianca who is WORSE than Zarf. And now she's BLIND? This is awful! What is WRONG with these people?

[zachfan01]

Mallory, FYI . . . Tuesday and Wednesday nights were the first of many nights that I will NOT be watching AMC on SoapNET.

Having Kendall cheat on Zach . . . again is completely unacceptable to me. Especially with a loser, abuser like Ryan Freakin' Lavery.

I miss the "real" Zach and Kendall more than anyone can ever know.

I hate Pratt!!

[Dakota]

I feel that if Reese was not on the canvas, and the sperm donation never happened, Zendall would be the way it was.

I wish Frons and Pratt would write for the FANS, not for THEMSELVES.

[Beth R.]

Amen Carl...that is EXACTLY what Pratt is doing...he's trying to replecate exactly what Guza's been doing at GH for years. Am I the only one who saw obvious overtones of Jason/Sam/Lucky/Liz in Aidan/Annie/Ryan/Greenlee? Sure Pratt made that quad even worse...but it's Pratt. The long acknowledged weaker half of Guza-Pratt. Sacrificing top couples and characters at the alter of a non-entitiy newbie? That's what Guza does all the time and gets away with it.

Pratt totally thinks AMC is winning best show this year.

[Greg]

Mallory,

"And those were back in the days of Barbara Esensten and James Harmon Brown who were profoundly untalented, but who look like the Labines compared to the tools sitting in the writers room now."

I love this quote! Soaps will never be the same without the kind of talent the Labines brought to them.

[Jackie]

Pratt did something that McTavish and Esensten & Brown couldn't even get me to do; stop watching this train wreck. I refuse watch Ryan abuse Kendall again.

Thanks for your wonderful column.

[shouldawouldacoulda]

I can only echo others, Mallory, when I say that I will be reading your column a lot more than I will be watching the travesty my soap has become. Your rage is a beautiful thing and they've done nothing but nurture it with this craptastic excuse for writing.

I beg to differ that all these characters are being sacrificed for Reese though, while that's certainly a side-benefit (to Frons and Pratt), they're actually being sacrificed, as always (just in more dramatic and ridiculous fashion than ever before) for the all-that-is-holy Lord Lavery. AMC will always be the Ryan Lavery Show, at least until it goes off the air due to Fratt's insistence that it always BE The Ryan Lavery show. My sympathy is with any AMC actor not named Cameron Mathison, and of course, with us, the viewers who have also been betrayed.

[Pavarti31]

Let’s admit it: According to Pratt, a woman's love is only worth the next jerk she spreads her legs for. And that attitude is one of the reasons I'm already so tired of this writer who seems to be pandering to the real hatred of women in the upper echlelons at ABC daytime.

I'm not someone who cares if a person has multiple partners. Whatever. But this story is simply to degrade women, and Kendall in particular. Why? Story-wise, integrity-wise and characterization-wise, Kendall wouldn't do this to herself anymore. AM has worked to show that Kendall grew past the need to use sex as a sedative, because it no longer worked. When she did the five minute grief sex last year, it was OOC because the character did not express herself with Tom, Dick and Aidan anymore. Most writers I read thought it was completely pathetic, and only worthy of two of the worst writers ever to soil a soap.

Now it happens again. And when I look at it, all I can see is Pratt's need to demean and denigrate any strong and resourceful woman who is worth more than this. Of course, this also extends to Fusion which now needs Adam to survive. Krystal who is being turned into a fluffy human keepsake with a sponge for a brain. Or Amanda, who is lucky she doesn't have to go to Montel Williams to find out who fathered her child. The only tough woman to escape is the wonderful Angie, who did foolish things for love, but surprisingly, didn't boink the world.

You know what this says? It tells me that Pratt sees us all as junkies, whores and tramps, ladies of the soaps. And I'm not just talking about the characters. I'm talking about us.

[Feminafl]

It's really sad when the best thing Pratt can come up with is the worst thing the former HWs tried to sell. Has the man EVER met a storyline that he doesn't repeat ad nauseum?! I truly give up. AMC is fast approaching the horror that was the last days of Port Charles. The only thing missing are vampires lurking around every corner. Oh yeah, Reese Williams has already filled that role.

[Sue]

Great post Mallory. When was the last time Cameron won an emmy? Oh I forgot he never did. So why is AMC also known as the Ryan Lavery show. Let me know when Pratt is gone b/c until that day I doubt I will be watching this crapfest.

[Cate]

"I want this show dead." I couldn't agree with you more. I knew a Ryan and Kendall hook up was going to happen because Ryan can't be without a woman for more than 30 seconds but I still really HATE them for doing it!! The audience being able to predicate almost exactly what is going to happen months in advance is just so ridiculous and awful.
Also what is with Greenlee being referred to as THEIR best friend, five minutes ago she was Ryan's fiance, one half(the better half) of the greatest love story about love to ever grace our televisions. Now she was just Ryan's friend? WTF!?

Did I mention I really HATE them?! Cuz I really, really do.

[Snarkgirl]

Deleted from my DVR. I am now fully ABC-Daytime free! Oh what to do with the 5 watchable minutes I wasted before?!

[Chivon]

I do not want to see a Ryan Kendall pairing. Yuk!