I've Never Been So Happy For My TV To Go On The Fritz!

Early in yesterday's episode of All My Children,right around the point that Zach and Reese and Ryan and Kendall were staring each other down and being contemptuous of one another, there was suddenly no sound, so I absent-mindedly hit the mute button to un-mute it, and it wasn't on mute at all. I got nervous that I had actually had a rage blackout and gone deaf (this worried me most especially because how embarrassing would it be to explain that to a doctor? "Reese is just awful and Ryan is the worst, and Zach is being terrible lately, and I got so irritated that my ears broke!" Hello, humiliation), but when I changed the channel, everything else had sound; AMC was the only show that was muted. It was weird and glorious, and like my TV was doing me a solid, saving me from the angst that was sure to follow.

Before I comment on the happenings in Pine Valley, lets check in on the offscreen AMC happenings, in a continuing series I like to call, "Wow, These People Shouldn't Be Trusted With a Pet Rock". Today's installment, brought this way via reader Donna, features Julie Hanan Carruthers, Charles Pratt and the black hole of suck that accompanies them at all times. Regarding the recast of Liza with Jamie Luner, the AMC powers-that-be had this to say:

“She’s coming to Pine Valley with a big bang – literally — a great surprise entrance that’s unexpected and pretty delicious”

If we're not surprised and don't find it delicious, will we again be accused of writing elaborate mental fanfiction?

Back then, Jamie’s nickname on the set was ‘Turbo’ because she’s such a ball of energy and you can throw anything at her,” says Pratt.

"It is a skill that will serve her well here because, I gotta be honest with you, I change stories so fast you'd get whiplash."

“I warned her that joining AMC would be daunting and crazy. What with 30 actors and all the behind-the-scenes stuff, it’s like high school."

What a bitch! He seriously just insulted all of the show's cast and crew. Unless there is a set-wide burn book that the public doesn't know about, he needs to just stop. And if there IS a set-wide burn book, I'm willing to wager that all of the nasty entries are about him.

"But they’re the ones who have to watch out"

Yes, David Canary, Susan Lucci, Debbi Morgan, Thorsten Kaye, Alicia Minshew, and the rest need to watch out for the master thespian Jamie "Just The Ten Of Us" Luner.

"Jamie’s not an ass kisser. She’s very straightforward. She’s going to shake up the cast in a very good way.”

The thing is that I LIKE Jamie Luner! But way to diminish all of my good will before her first air date by blatantly admitting that you're casting people you know in order to create a new AMC that suits your vision, rather than do something insane like work with the cast and history you have.

Pratt says he’s not going to commit to any romantic entanglements right away but he does want to see how Luner sparks with Thorsten Kaye. Says the scribe: “His character Zach is at a desperate, dark place in his life when Liza returns — he’s at the lowest point he’s ever been — so that could be a very exciting match for the audience,” Pratt says. “But we’ll play it by ear. We’re going to put Jamie with a lot of guys and see what kind of hell she can raise. After all, that’s what she does best.”

I compulsively write to-do lists, so maybe I'm not the best person to ask, but just for the sake of argument: shouldn't you, I don't know, have A PLAN when you bring back an important character. We are going to be in for months of Liza aimlessly going from story to story until something sticks, aren't we? Can't wait!

With people like that in charge, is it any wonder that the show is a vortex of badness? Seriously, the bad to good ratio is astounding.

GOOD: ADAM AND ERICA

I don't trust these writers to handle Adam's mystery illness well and part of me (the paranoid, conspiracy theory prone part of me) wonders if they are going to give him some sort of dementia that lets them write him off canvas. In which case, I WILL QUIT. Do you hear that AMC? I WILL QUIT. I won't quit the show, probably, but I will quit something and it will be DRAMATIC and ANGSTY.

But aside from that worry, I am enjoying this thus far. Or maybe I am just enjoying David Canary and Susan Lucci playing off of each other. I LOVE them together. I'd seriously watch an hour of them just doing different things everyday. Like, baking cupcakes one day, and learning Japanese the next. It would be awesome.

BAD: KRYSTAL

Always and forever. I could have potentially enjoyed David's doubts over performing Ian's surgery and reflecting on the loss of Leora, especially since it gave him something to do besides sneer and be evil, but with Krystal drawling all over the place, I can't get past being annoyed. She is the worst. I know that she has no job and no custody of her child, but really, she has nothing better to do than hang around the hospital?

GOOD: ANNIE AND AIDAN...FOR NOW

Melissa Claire Egan continues to rock the proverbial house in Oak Haven. I regret ever thinking that she was bland and pointless, because the truth is that she's talented and entertaining. And her relationship with Aidan is surprisingly sweet, and MCE and Aiden Turner work really well together.

And, I know this makes me a hypocrite because I always bitch about rushed stories, but...is this story going on for a bit too long, or is it just me? I guess I am just enjoying it, but also ready for Annie to be interacting with people regularly again.

(Although that also runs the risk of making her annoying, so maybe she should stay institutionalized. It is a no-win...)

BAD: ZACH + KENDALL + RYAN + REESE

A one-act play:

MALLORY: Wow, this is so great. Look at Kendall and Zach and how they put their drama behind them for Ian's sake.
RYAN: (Comes to the hospital, ostensibly with a card from Spike, to stare judgmentally)
KENDALL: Excuse me, Zach, I'll be right back. (Leaves)
ZACH: (Broods)
MALLORY: (Cringes)
KENDALL: Let me waste some time filling you in on Ian's state while we wait for Reese to make her dramatic entrance.
RYAN: 'Kay.
REESE: (Makes dramatic entrance)
MALLORY: (Gags)
KENDALL: What the hell are you doing here?
REESE: I was at the hospital for a checkup, so that I could make sure I won't go blind again.
KENDALL: (Glares)
REESE: And I came to see how Ian was.
KENDALL: You're just doing this to get into Zach's pants.
MALLORY: (Cringes)
REESE: Nuh uh, I got close to Ian when I was taking care of him.
MALLORY: You took care of him because his mother was in a coma! Taking care of a comatose mother's baby is not something to be celebrated, it's just what you do!
KENDALL: (Glares)
RYAN: (Stares Vacantly)
REESE: (Stares Smugly)
KENDALL: You still want Zach.
ZACH: (Enters dramatically) That's enough.
KENDALL: (Stares Sadly)
REESE: (Stares Smugly)
RYAN: (Stares Vacantly)
TELEVISION: (Breaks)

Fin.

Zach, Kendall and Ryan in one scene together is brutal and throwing Reese in just seems mean.

Comments

[Beth R.]

You know Julie and Chuckie here are accomplishing something impossible here...they are making me appreciate the comparitvely subtle and understated interviews of Bob Guza. Damn! So the fans make up fanfiction when they complain and now the very talented cast needs to watch out for a graduate of a TGIF school of acting? (Although Cameron Mathison probably should be scared of that....oh lord....just had a flash of Ryan/Liza scenes....MUST ERASE IMAGE...MUST ERASE)

They're in an elaborate contest to see who can say the most insulting thing and not get fired right? They have to be right?

[donna]

I had a feeling you would appreciate that interview, Mallory. Hee.

So he not only set up the audience to resent the actress on sight, he also managed to threaten the cast,too, by implying that anyone who doesn't like it will have to deal with him.

It's always a good idea to talk down to your audience and insult them for their loyalty.And to call out your employees in a public forum. That's the kind of good business sense that leads to a 1.8.

This is a battered, bruised, barely hanging on genre. Pratt's just the kind of bully who would gleefully kick it while it's down. Over and over again.

Tool.

[Jackie]

The only banging NuLiza is going to be doing is with Zach. I'm so over and done with this show it isn't funny.

Pratt, Frons and Carruthers must have big money with a bookie in Vegas on how long it'll take them to tank the show.

It's been a month since I've watched and I can't say I miss it.

[Sarah]

Anyone as old as me (36) remember the good old days of interviews, auditioning and screen testing to see what actors had chemistry with what other actors? It was all done in advance and behind the scenes, what a novel approach to running a show. So that casting writing and story layout all happened in logical well planned order and we weren't forced to watch it happen on screen while ruining established characters and couples and stories?

And since fan faves are nearly never respected by the powers that be why bother doing all this "chem" testing at all? Just do all the dreadful sick coupling you want and leave the battered and abused viewers out of it! WE ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR FUCK UPS!

Note to Jamie Lunar: Don't be shocked when the "Real Liza" campaign begins honey. THAT is how ABC Daytime truly rolls. You are just a temporary throw in and when you don't workout after all that "praise" they'll get MW back and toss you under the bus. And it most likely won't even be your fault. So don't take it personally.

[Desertrose]

I doubt there will be any "Real Liza" campaign cause it sure sounds like this character will very soon be unrecognizable ...just like the rest of this show.

I am SO over it I can't even snark anymore.(But I do so appreciate yours, ladies.)

Losing GL and seeing the disgusting state of the ABC shows just makes me sad....and angry that the TMIC (the monkeys in charge) have free reign to run it into the ground and the hell with the viewers and the hell with integrity.

All I can say is Pratt, Guza & Frons et al...what goes around WILL come around, fellas. Ya'll need to grow up & while you're at it, let some hot air outta those egos.

[daisymayhem]

Okay, so they're gonna throw Liza at a bunch of guys and see what sticks? I'd be okay with that, sometimes chemistry is unexpected, but I don't trust the powers that be to recognize it if it doesn't fit in with their predetermined story. It seems clear they're pushing hard for a Zach-Liza pairing, and who's to say they won't force it down our throats even AFTER we all protest? The Reese debacle has left me with zero faith in these people, and I am stunned by how contemptuous they are to the fans and the cast in the press.

[Kels]

Thank you for acknowledging the good that is Annie & Aidan...for now. I truly enjoy them together.

Adam & Erica are so made of win. The story has potential...that undoubtedly will not be lived up to but still. David Canary & Susan Lucci are absolutely a blast together. I hope we get loads more of them.

I don't have as much contempt for AMC & Pratt as you often indicate you do but that article about Jamie Luner pissed me off. I pretty much had the exact same reaction that you did. It's one thing to talk about a new/returning character who's going to shake things up ON-SCREEN but to talk about an actor doing that behind-the-scenes just makes one sound like a toolbag.

[Femina]

Mallory,

As usual, your column has summed up much of my sentiments about AMC. It really has become harder and harder to even read the spoilers, let alone actually view the show. I don't see the point of viewing the show daily because too much of the nonsense that centers around Zach/Kendall/Ryan has been played out so many times before I can voice the dialogue before the actors even utter a syllable. As for KWAK/David, I can't figure out who is more cartoonish. KWAK the sex-slave of her husband (isn't David's doping of KWAK sound like rohypnol?) or David and his ACME-inspired revenge plots. I'm no fan of KWAK's, but Pratt has turned her into both a literal and figurative boob. I'm expecting Porky Pig to run across the bottom of the screen during David/KWAK scenes and squeal "Th-Th-Th-That's All Folks!"

But I have to disagree with your praise for Aidan & Annie. While Annie's descent into madness has added another dimension to the character, I don't view Aidan's bedding a clearly mentally disturbed woman as sweet or romantic. Annie is delusional, but what is Aidan's excuse? No matter how SWEET Aidan is with Annie, it would be far sweeter for me if he spent less time jumping Annie's bones and more times uncovering the bones of the mysterious Tori. Besides, I'm sick of watching the crazy Annie routine and MCE's isolation from the rest of the cast. If Ryan can get over Greenlee in a matter days, why is Annie still locked away in Oak Haven?

[n69n]

we already know this is a lie about "seeing what works", because we know that Pratt has said that he's mapped out ZACH's story for the next year & a half...wasn't his re-signing his contract contingent on that?

[n69n]

^Thorsten Kaye re-signing his contract, i mean

[Wick]

Femina - replace MCE's isolation fromt he the rest of the AMC cast with AT and you captured my feelings.

I'm torn on the A/A stuff. I do think they work very well together, but much prefer them as friends. No way Aidan Devane beds a mentally ill woman in a mental institution. No WAY. Either this is part of Annie's imagination or Pratt is trying to turn viewers against Aidan/AT. At least Annnie is in Oakhaven for a reason. Why has Aidan been isolated? I don't think Pratt has any time for Aidan and his plan is working. I've seen some posts that think Aidan should be charged with rape.

I freaking HATE Pratt!!!

Aidan Devane is my favorite character and he routinely gets the shaft from TPTB. AT is like Rodney Dangerfield - no respect. Despite being the glue of TWO successful Ailee pairings. Did y'all know Aidan/Greenlee were Broadway Cares/ABC Daytime's Power Couple of 2009? They even beat out Zendall. FU Frons - and you too Pratt.

[Kade]

After reading Pratt's asinine interview, I honestly can't decide who's more of a prick: Brian "who wants to watch fat or old people" Frons, Bob "kids who play with guns deserve to get shot" Guza, or Charles "disrespecting actors is my middle name" Pratt.