The Kids Are All Right, But I Can't Say The Same For The Rest of the Show

A surprising amount of people have found their way to Serial Drama lately via an image search for "cute babies", which surprised me at first, but then I realized that, while we don't often give soaps credit for much, we do give them credit for their cute babies ('sup, Cam?).

Latching on to something positive and ruining it is what General Hospital does best (we all remember the chocolate cake incident, right?), so it makes a sad sort of sense that an entire episode about babies, either living, hoped-for or foreshadowed, was terrible from start to finish.

Emma is by far the best part of the execrable postpartum depression story. Her little baby facial expressions crack me up. I especially like how she was visibly annoyed during Patrick's soliloquy about fatherhood, rolling her eyes as if to say, "Here he goes again with the father of the year story"

and then plainly thinking, "If I ignore him, maybe he'll stop talking".

And yes, I know that she is a baby and doesn't have complex thoughts, but you know what? I need something entertaining to cling to in a story that has managed to make me irritated with everyone involved and if the only entertaining thing is a particularly emotive child actor, well, so be it.

Who would have thought that I would spend the better part of 2009 irked beyond belief with Robin and Patrick? I went from a card-carrying Scrubs fangirl (or fangurl? I've gotten accused of being both, and I get the idea that "fangurl" is somehow worse) to officially putting them both on notice to cringing as soon as I check the TiVo episode description and seeing that they'll be on. Thank you, Bob Guza, for proving that you can and will rob me of all of life's joys.

My complaints about this story are myriad (it is never-ending; it is poorly researched and pretty much a spit in the face to anybody who currently suffers from, or know someone who suffers from, PPD; it is boring; it is poorly written; and did I mention that it is never-ending?) and today's episode reminded me of several more:

• Patrick, if you think your wife cheated on you/is currently cheating on you/wants to cheat on you, CONFRONT HER ABOUT IT. You are a married freaking neurosurgeon, not a sixth grader. Act like an adult.
• “Why does everything I say sound so awful?” Um, because everything you have said lately is awful, Robin. She has had her bitchpants on with everybody (except Jason; Robin is a lot of things, but she is not blasphemous). It's hard to be on her side about getting treatment and taking anti-depressants when she is so obviously miserable about it.
• How can Patrick go, in the course of one sentence, from "I am worried that Robin will jump off the docks" to "here's an idea, spend some time with Emma"? Yes, let's force a person you think is suicidal to spend time with her baby! 
• Freaking Kelly "I didn't pick up on the fact that Maxie was pregnant with a pillow" Lee is the voice of reason
• Robin's explanation of why she is hesitant to take the anti-depressants (they fog up her thinking) seemed less like an explanation and more a way for the writers to drag this story out even longer
• I don't like complaining about something that puts Becky Herbst onscreen, because seriously, I am always going to be a pro-Liz advocate, buuuuut: the Patrick/Liz element is an added layer that this story doesn't need. There are plenty of obstacles in Patrick and Robin's relationship without throwing jealousy over Liz into the mix.

And who could have guessed that Robin would stumble upon Patrick and Liz and Cam (!!!) and Jake and Emma playing shiny, happy family?

Headless people. Headless people could have guessed that. Subtlety, like so many other things, is something that GH does not do well.

Dear General Hospital,

If Carly is pregnant (I am assuming that she is based on the fainting, because fainting on soaps means either pregnancy or brain tumor, and since she has not yet had sex with a ghost, I am ruling out brain tumor), pleasepleasePLEASE let her baby survive. By default, she has become my favorite character on the show, which is shocking and troublesome and wrong, but it is the truth, and I want good things for her. And also...if I have to sit through one more dead or maimed baby story on a soap, I will not be held responsible for my actions.

XOXO,

Mallory

I originally wrote, "The Claudia and Sonny storyline continues to repulse me", but that doesn't quite do my feeling of sickness, horror and nausea justice. It's so much more than repulsion! I don't think one word can sum it up. It's more like a sound. Like Liz Lemon's "blurg" meets "gag", so..."glurg"?

I think "glurg" is how I will put it from now on in lieu of discussing their relationship in detail, because watching their "relationship" (I will call it that because it is easier to type than "revoltingly dysfunctional union with literally no redeeming qualities") unfold is bad enough; having to write about it is even more painful because it forces me to remember things that are better left repressed.

Sonny and Claudia having sex in seemingly every episode? Glurg.

Claudia becoming increasingly unhinged in her efforts to conceive Sonny's hundredth child and running around Port Charles like an escaped mental patient in cheap pleather? Glurg.

The close-up of Claudia's book about pregnancy and the fact that it made me have to contemplate the logistics of these two making a baby? Glurg.

Claudia lying on her back with her legs up after sex with Sonny? Glurg.

This show actually makes me feel dirty.

Comments

[sweetgjb]

This show SUCKS! but I do have to agree with you that they have thee cutest babies! I am sooo in love with baby Emma. you could tell that she wanted to say to her dad: grow up, be a man, contfront mommy about what u think u saw her did, and oh yeah: STOP BITCHING TO LIZ AND EVERYONE ELSE IN TOWN ABOUT OUR FAMILY BUISNESS!!( of course she would clean it up a little). as much as I love Kimberly and Jason's acting abilities and their great chemistry on/off screen but even they have to be SICK and TIRED of this never ending sadly written and highly insulting to women who actually suffer from PPD dam story. it needs to STOP. I miss my only reason for watching this dam show, and that reason was the cuteness and hotness of Robin and Patrick. and really they couldn't even give them 5 seconds of good times after they got them married? I mean why did they even get them married if they were only planning on fucking them over? They need to FIX there story NOW before there is no one left to watch this dam show. and don't even get me started with the soft porn "couple" Selfish Sonny and Sluty Claudia. it's a real shame what they have done to this once great show. I will continue to say this until they fire the problem: FU GUZA AND CO.

[Simone]

I think I have reached my breaking point with this PPD story. T hate how they are using Robin to drag the story out. I'm not buying Patrick as this victim either. I have been hanging in there with GH because of Robin and Patrick, but enough already. I am sick of Patrick and Robin not talking to each other. Jason's involvement is bad enough, but the involvement of Liz "can't just be friends with a man" is really ticking me off.

On top of everything, Claudia and Sonny make my stomach churn and make me want to puke.

I don't watch soaps to be aggravated. I can find something better to do with the 40 something minutes.

[natty3]

i have had it with robin. her snarking at liz today was ridiculous especially since she runs to her ex boyfriend jason every other day. robin better watch out becasue liz will run , over and off with her man before she realizes it

[Sarah]

He ruined chocolate cake, Patrick & Robin, and GH. We had some April snow here in Chicago and it killed my beautiful just blooming periwinkle crocuses. I blame Guza. Because he ruins all good things. Which means one or two more episodes of Claudia and Sonny going at it and Guza will have ruined sex too!!!!!!

Is enough ever enough at ABC Daytime?

And about Carly and her 94th pregnancy, I vote for tumor! My Mom said "But aren't you glad that at least it's Jax's baby this time for sure?" And I told her I was not a sucker. Emma is the product of "flashback sex/conception". So if Carho is indeed preggers again I bet she slept with at least Sonny too, maybe even and if it turns out to be true I am DONE, Patrick too. He certainly had time to bang the town bicycle on his "Every Woman on Earth and in PC is a Better Woman and Mother than my Awful Wife Tour". NOT HOT PATTY!!!!!

[Cece]

seriously, can we find something for liz to do that doesn't involve her sleeping with or spending time with someone else's man. i'm the first to say i'm a HUGE liason fan (i'm still reeling from that heartbreak), but let's be honest with ourselves: she slept with jason while she was still married and he was still emotionally involved with sam. couldn't there be some big hospital emergency that requires her nursely expertise and puts her in a frontburner storyline? i mean, this is a hospital soap, right?

[Beth R.]

and the flashbacks to 2006 and Lucky's drug addiction just keep on coming! and now we even have elevator moments! Oh goodie!

I personally was a big fan of Patrick leaping to Robin was sleeping with Jason.

The Patrick/Liz angle is so ridiculously stupid since Liz is the one woman on this show outside of Epiphany who never bought Patrick's line of crap and usually called him on it. But since Guza wants to makes us all think there is going to be in his mind justified cheating (and note i don't think anything of the sort will happen but I don't doubt Guza wants us all to think it will) going on.

and of course as a major Lucky/Cam fan the using of Cam for any purpose than to have him run around and yell "Daddy" very loudly and excitedly is just wrong! Using Cam to prop this nonsense? Well bitch please. My love of Cam does not prevent me seeing through this.

So Carly is most likely pregnant...and Claudia wants to be pregnant..going out on the uncreative hack of a head writer limb here and say...baby switch in November!

[KL]

The Claudia stuff continues to be horrible. I wish they would have made her all out evil like Faith instead of trying to redeem her. I think I actually might be interested in her that way.

Also, LW is doing ok, but this stepford version of Carly is boring me, and it's not really Carly to me.

Patrick should wear a t-shirt that has updates on Robin's PPD on it to save him the time of babbling it to everyone. I liked the Robin/kelly scenes and Robin needs to listen to her. Why hasn't kelly shown up earlier in the PPD story? I also liked Robin's green shirt. Does anyone know who makes it?

If I were Liz, I would run in the another direction as soon as I see either Robin or Patrick instead of getting sucked into their mess. I think if GH went with Patrick/Liz, they would be backburnered 2 seconds later, I'm not sure what story they would have. I'd like to see a Nik/Liz pairing since NL & TC seemed bored with each other right now.

[Simone]

What else is there for Liz to do other than doing someone else's man? Liz is a single mother with two children, yet she has all the time to spare to help out with Emma even though Patrick and Robin have a nanny. GMFB!

Did I mention that I'm over Patrick? Either he confronts Robin about cheating on him or he swallows it and stops lashing out at her. Patrick can go over a cliff for all I care at this point.

I didn't know that it is so ticked off by a soap story.

"He ruined chocolate cake, Patrick & Robin, and GH."
Sarah, no truer words spoken. Anyone who ruins chocolate cake should go to prison for life.

[Rene']

I have put up with a lot on this show. A LOT. But the day Claudia (who's favorite designer is apparently Hefty Bag) pulls out the turkey baster, I am SO GONE from GH.

[Kels]

I am at least glad that your fondness for all things Liz, which honestly baffles me, did not prevent you from seeing the completely unnecessary "role" she is playing in my Scrubs' hell. I want to kick Guza's ass from here to kingdom come for making my favorite couple on GH in YEARS unwatchable. Instead I shall continue to settle for a boycott. I'm not watching this b.s. for one second longer.

Your reaction to Carly prompts me to say one thing to you: when the men in the white coats come...don't fight them. They are there to help you.

Thank God you still have the sense to be utterly revolted by Sonny & Claudia. If you hadn't been I would have told the men in white coats to come for you with enough tranquilizers in their guns to take down a wild elephant on a killing rampage.

P.S. Glurg is a fabulous word. I may have to add it to my everyday vocab. It shall certainly come in handy when discussing GH.

[Lauren~Stop using my name, Lauren. I was here 1st.]

It's a sad, sick and twisted day when your favorite character is Carly. Even if it is by default. I had to stop reading after that. I mean, just...stop watching this show, you guys! For your health; for our health.

[spin]

I LOVE your take on glurg. I've also heard them referred to as SLop, but either works for me or should I say doesn't work for me AT ALL. Passions had more substance than GH these days.

[Cherie]

Mallory, thank you for writing such a totally awesome blog again! I always enjoy reading it because of not only the intelligence, wit, & humor that goes into it, but just for the fact that it really does say everything I want to say, but so much better! I think I will continually advertise your blog in my complaints to GH from now on. LOVED your take on how awful Scrubs is now, and how disgusting Sonny & Claudia has always been. "Glurg"...LOVE IT! There really are too many words to describe how awful & disgusting this story is. Thanks again for such great writing!

[Bethie]

The kids on this show are seriously cute. . . I remember watching when one of the baby Jake's was on, and he was the cutest baby I think I'd ever seen. This baby Emma is simply gorgeous.

I liked Kelly today. She was able to talk to Robin in a way that was unthreatening and unconfrontational. . .as was Jason. Which is why both of them were helpful. .. as opposed to those who talk at her, and about her behind her back, and blame her for her condition.

Patrick is clueless, and mean, and apparently the stupidest neurosurgeon in the land. . .but for now I'm going to chalk it up to the fact that this ppd is affecting him too. That's a lot of benefit of the doubt from someone who doesn't even really like Patrick (hot though he can be)

I'm still pissed at most of this story though. . . she hasn't even been checked out to see if ppd is actually what she has. . . there could be a different reason for the behaviour change. .. thyroid problems or anemia post partum can cause major behaviour changes, her hiv meds might be messing her up with all the hormonal changes she's going through, and the ever present "brain tumour" is something they (for once) haven't even considered. . .but they (brilliant dr's and nurses that they are) didn't even do a damn bloodtest to rule that stuff out. These writers suck.

However, I did like the self-recrimination of the mobster set last week! Blaming themselves for Michael, and nobody disagreeing. Yay!

[Bonnie]

I could not agree with you more about Claw the Whore story. Just when you think Claw can not be any more repulsive --Guza finds a way to make her more repulsive. She makes me want to vomit.
SJB is playing it like a comedy. I guess that is the only way she can get through the scenes. The character is beyond any redemption and you can see the disgust on Maurice Bernard's face. He is like why the hell are they (Frons/Guza) doing this to me. I do not blame him for canceling his fan event next week, he would have to defend the indefensible crap/scum that Guza and Frons are throwing at viewers.

[cindy]

THANK YOU! The Clauson write up is exactly how I am feeling....totally and completely sickened! I truly wish that this story will end IMMEDIATELY!!! Of course, what is so sad is that I absolutely adored Sonny and Kate. They were not perfect but it was a read and believably relationship full of happiness and angst....that's the type of love stories that I want to see. I don't need a rewrite of the story with Olivia. Give me back my SKate love story as it is not even half way finished!!!

[Sarah]

Maybe this GLURG thing between Mumbles and the Hefty Bag Whore isn't so bad after all? (I just threw up a little in my mouth)

Now don't call the men in white coats for me yet, just consider this possible idea......

The most revolting coupling ever on GH actually does get pregnant. And by some hideous miracle Guza doesn't kill the fetus in an explosion or shoot out on the docks. Nor does he send the Mom to Be flying down a few flights of unnecessary stairs. Even Sonny doesn't throw bar ware at Claudia's pregnant belly.

So the doomed child arrives in a few short months, being SORAS'd in the womb of course or maybe because Guza just can't count), and it is the DEVIL child of all time. I mean come on, look at who the parents are here. So this evil baby lands in PC causing the whole city to go up in flames. A total inferno that wipes PC out and ends GH in blazing Guza style.

So see, this noxious glurg of a baby created by Claudia and Sonny could be the one thing to finally end all this misery and send Guza and his gang to the unemployment line.

Wishful thinking?

[Randi]

Thank you for your humorous take on General Hospital. Since many of us have STOPPED WATCHING GH - mainly due to the gross, ridiculous story of a clueless mobster & his (fill in adjective) wife - your comedic comments \ thoughts are the only source of enjoyment and entertainment we can get from this show anymore.

[Lisbeth]

I know I am more patient than most with the PPD storyline. I love that Robin and Patrick are on screen more than 5 minutes a week and are actually allowed to have conversations with characters other than each other which is the usual Guza m.o....but who thought that Patrick complaining daily about his wife in the lobby where they both work is a good idea? He must be really good at the whole doctor-patient confidentiality law thing.

[Jennyp]

Dear soap gods,please don't kill another Jax fetus. Also, could you please make Claudia sterile, or better yet, sterilize (pun intended) Sonny of a thousand kids and send Claudia to a nunnery? And could you give Liz something constructive to do? Thanks!

[amiejayne]

Was it really less than 4 months ago that we were graced with not one, but two Scrubs weddings, plus the wonderfulness of Mac, Robert and Anna and real Scorpio family moments?

Because that makes it seem all the more unreal that Guza could have run them so far into the ground already. It makes me wish that Robin had just died after giving birth, which in turn makes me hope that someday, the only job Bob Guza will have is washing dishes at a New Jersey Chuck E. Cheese.

In addition to Scrubs, Guza has ruined, in a matter of a few short months:
1. the Maxie who would not betray Spinelli just to stick it to Lulu
2. Spixie, who had about three minutes of happiness after Maxie confessed her love before she was macking down with Johnny. In a limo, for god's sake! Can NOTHING original happen on this show?
3. Patrick and Robin separately (not to be confused with the wreck he's made of them together)
4. HOT Ric/Claudia sex which is now coercive and makes me violently nauseous
5. Minor chemistry between Claudia and Sonny which is now more like that science experiment where you extract sulfur, producing a smell like the Easter egg you find behind the dog house in mid-July
6. The brotherly bond between Nikolas and Lucky
7. Emily being dead and us not having to stomach a THIRD incarnation of Natalia Livingston, and one who cracks gum like a Sweet Valley High girl, no less
8. Jax and Carly being done with
9. Sonny and Jason NOT being the people to give Robin MENTAL HEALTH ADVICE!!!
10. Jerry finally out of our misery
11. Nik and Nadine having a real romance, not the completely assinine plow patent/international intrigue storyline

I'm sure I could come up with more, but what would be the point? If Guza and his "crack" team aren't replaced soon, we'll be the ones who need therapy and antidepressants...

[Katie]

I'm honestly tired of GH all together but Robin is getting on my darn nerves now. Can we say hypocrite, it's fine for her to talk to everyone but her husband but god forbid he has a friend? yeah not buying poor put upon Robin my husband hates me because I'm "sick" take the damn pills already and stop with the tom cruise BS about diet and exercise. The woman is a research pathologist who believes in drug protocal's , a woman who takes meds EVERYDAY to save her life yet she has a bitch fit over one pill that could help her be the mother she claims to want to be?

As for the rest of GH......I have nothing really nothing I mean poking holes in condoms to have a sleazy roll in the sack , not so dead emily, Ethan, olivia and sonny's walks down memory lane, and all knowing super jason. No wonder the ratings are droping at warp speed.

I agree with Jennyp's above comment if tiic continue this way we will all need antidepressants just to get through the hour.

[Katie]

Ooops I quoted the wrong poster with the antidepressants comment sorry ladies.

[cathy]

This whole Jason and Liz in the PPD story is ridiculous.

This needs to be about PPD and Robin and Patrick.

I loved Kelly, she is Robin's friend NOT Perfect Liz.

If Liz was a true friend to Patrick or Robin she would remove herself from her friends marriage and make them TALK to EACH OTHER.

I don't even know this Patrick who would see his wife with Brad and leave and now he sees her with Jason and leaves.

GROW UP PATRICK and BE THERE and SUPPORT your WIFE and get spouses PPD help to know what to do.

Guza had to have the most perfect Liz hold Emma yet again. Liz needs to tend to her own boys and let Patrick take care of Emma till Robin is better

[sillyme]

This made me laugh today. THANK YOU!
I love the Demon Seed idea...Does Sonny ever have to pay child support? He would be broke...

[Lisa]

ITA. I love Scrubs, but this PPD is lasting way too long. They just keep adding more and more aggravating aspects to their storyline and it's not needed. Jason and Liz would be my examples. How about, I don't know, they talk to ONE ANOTHER?

Emma is such a cute baby. I can't wait for Kimberly to have more scenes with her. Her and JT are so great with kids.

[Angelica]

I want the Scrubs family to be happy dammit!!!! That is all.

[JC]

I loved when Liz got all bitchtastic on Robin.

Baby Emma is probably wondering when she will get off this show and get a job that tells a decent story.

[AL G]

The parents of the twins playing the newborn baby Emma got their daughters off this wreck of a show as they have different girls now. I loved buzz cut and mohawk Emma, but the new twins are equally adorable. They have more acting talent at not even a year old compared to some of the adults. Kudos to Kimberly (and JT) for suffering through four or five months of a depressing storyline. Like Angelica, I will be overjoyed to get happy family time for Scrubs.