This Show Confuses Me, Again, Some More

Well, that didn't last long...

I ended Friday's episode of General Hospital on a high, all "That maybe wasn't kind of so bad" (the state of GH is so bad that half-hearted, begrudging positivity counts as a high), and I ended today's episode befuddled, bored and more than a little irritated. It's so good for things to be back to normal!

As is often the case, I have questions about this show (the two weighing heaviest on my mind, "Double you tee eff?" and "How the hell does Bob Guza still have a job?" are not included below, because reflecting on their sheer unanswerability is depressing)...

Really, GH?

Was anyone in the world really clamoring for the return of Billy Dee Williams to GH? Actually, don't tell me if you were, because I'd sleep better at night not knowing that people like that exist.

I wonder which Billy Dee (I totally forgot that his name on the show was actually Toussaint, because I don't think I ever called him that) will reappear: the jerky one from Night Shift 2, or the creepy, elevator-loving (not a euphemism) one from Night Shift 1? I also wondered if he will put any more effort into the whole acting thing than he did towards the end of the last season of Night Shift, but I am pretty sure that it is physiologically impossible to exert less effort than he did towards the end of the show...

Is it just me, or was Spinelli kind of a little bit awesome on Monday?

I am just as surprised as you are to read that sentence, because my feelings for Spinelli are more often than not of the not so, you know, good variety, but I am trying to be a more fair person and not have kneejerk reactions to things. It is tough, especially when I see girls wearing tights in lieu of pants and my natural instinct is to silently judge them, but I feel it is something I need to do in order to be a more well-rounded person. So, with that resolution in mind, I have to give credit where credit is due: Spinelli's reaction to Johnny and Maxie's kiss was nothing short of entertaining.

Spinelli: Right. Oh. Of course -- the only natural solution to every altercation is to go for the jugular. It doesn't matter if the disagreement is important or trivial. The end result has to be maximum damage!

Maxie: Why are you talking to me like this?

Spinelli: Like what?

Maxie: Cold and detached, not you.

Spinelli: How would you have me respond? What constitutes proper behavior when the only girl you desire makes it perfectly clear that she prefers Mr. Perfect 41 regular?

Maxie:No, Spinelli, that's not true. You're my --

Spinelli: If you say "essential person," I will start screaming and never stop.

I am so pleased that they didn't automatically go to the Sad, Wallowing Spinelli well and let him get angry, AND made fun of the irksome "essential person" phrase AND let him talk like an actual human being. It can't be a coincidence that he becomes 80 percent more tolerable when he speaks English, right? 

What...the hell? How is this even possible?

Either he is in the most unflattering lighting EVER, or all Maurice Benard eats is yams, followed by a Tang chaser.

In addition to limitless snarkiness and great bone structure, does Rick Hearst also have super human facial hair growing powers?

On Monday:

Today:

The man's got skills.

Are they ever going to stop trying to make this happen?

It's not going to happen! And even if it DOES happen, none of us will be around to see it because we will have all died of boredom in the meantime.

Did I hallucinate, or were Monica, Edward, Bobbie AND Alexis on today's episode?

OMG IT'S A MIRACLE!

Now let's wait for them to get a real story!

**NOTE: HOLDING YOUR BREATH FOR THIS MAY LEAD TO DEATH**

What do you do to pass the time during the Scrubs PPD story?

Today, rather than let Guza & Co. try their best to make me hate Robin and Patrick and the letters P and D, I played Scrabble online, gave myself a pedicure and thought about how awesome the movie Date Night is going to be. 

Remember the days when we complained that Robin and Patrick were never onscreen, and never had a real story? I would use my life savings to go back to that era. What innocent times those were!

What the HELL are they trying to do with Claudia?

Claudia: I honestly don't know how you could think that I could live in this house with you  Sonny, and eat with you and sleep with you and have something to do with hurting  your son.

First of all, stop reminding us about how you and Sonny sleep together! It is sick-making when it happens, and even more so when we are caught off guard and reminded of it.

Secondly...um, you did have something to do with hurting his son you freaking sociopath. Are we all supposed to say to ourselves, "Hey, she sure is saying she didn't do anything wrong an awful lot. Maybe she's right and she didn't do anything wrong. We imagined the whole thing!"? Sarah Brown is good, but she's not that good.

HAAAATE.

Okay, that's not a question, but it is an encapsulation of my feelings about Ethan.

Lucky: Lulu needs her family today. You know what? For some insane reason, I thought you just might care. You might want to just try to step up a little as a father.

Ethan: Hey, back off, all right? Some of us would be honored to have Luke as a father. You know, what a burden it must be to get stuck with Luke Spencer as a father. What a terrible disappointment to be saddled with a savvy, original thinker who lives life on his own terms.

HAAAATE.

Am I a fool for being excited about Helena's return?

I am, aren't I? But even though I am sure the story will be awful, lame and stupid (this is GH we're talking about after all), I am excited nonetheless because Helena is so over-the-top and crazy and fun to watch.

Helena: Congratulations. I'm delighted to see General Hospital is back in business, and didn't my grandson do a fabulous job on the renovations? I suggest you enjoy it, because it will be his last act of charity. Nikolas, my darling, everything I have done, as always, is for you. Until you meet my demands, no good deed of yours shall go unpunished.

I give them three episodes before they completely ass it up.

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason

Comments

[Wendalette]

If being happy to see Helena means crazy, then let me take it all the way and do a happydance before the a$$hat$ in charge REALLY send me over the edge with new lows of inanely offensive banality.

[Jayne L.]

Three episodes? Really? That seems a bit generous...

[LB]

Helena has some killer legs (as shown in her introductory scene). I am so jealous of those legs.

[Sarah]

It doesn't do anyone any good to start thinking GH is getting better. The next episode always leads to more heartache and anger.

I liked Spinelli getting angry and a bit human too. But he called himself a linear thinker, I think not. But I loved his snarky new name for Johnny. "Mr. Perfect 41 Regular" Finally a nick name that makes sense and is funny.

Even Soapnet which was the damn "network" that produced and aired NS 1&2 doesn't know what happened on air. On NS 1 Lando Calrissian left GH and his job as elevator lover to tour with his old band. On NS2 he left GH again after the season but this time to get to know his young son he ignored or forgot about or something else ridiculous unexplained and uninteresting. The Saints had nothing to do with it. How sad that Soapnet can't keep track of a story that was only 27 episodes long. Even more sad, I actually know this :-(

Suddenly Mumbles is orange, Olivia is a red head, Eye Shadow Emily is blonde etc... due to the new HD format. They need a lot less light on set now and the crew is adjusting. Hence all the massive over lighting and weird looks on air today.

Carly as Sonny's new consigliare is a sick joke. Anyone else disgusted by this Guza version of Carly? Her and Liz as role models makes my skin crawl. And yet another tortured pregnancy for this "heroine" makes me long for evil AJ to show up and kill her. AJ, one of Guza's first victims.

I feel so bad for Bobbie, she looks like a marionette. Maybe if she had been on GH a bit these past few years she would have seen herself more realistically and laid off all the plastic surgery. Plastic surgery is not a hobby.

Since when does Helena go all crazy in public? She usually saves that delicious evil for close personal enemies and family. What point is there to making her latest evil plot public knowledge? I'm so worn out by this mess that I'm just happy to see her. The reaction shots were tragic, everyone just seemed bored! Even Nikolas and Alexis seemed cool with Helena's return via Skype. WTF?

I wish Lucky would run away, maybe go to Paris to check on Laura and become a model, yummy! Seeing him beg Luke to be his friend or family and totally ignoring the real history of their once AMAZING bond makes me ill. And Luke's not giving a damn about his family is beyond wrong. And all this for Teethan? Eff that. I'll youtube JJ the OG Lucky and the Real Luke for my Spencer needs.

Anyone else want to hit Patrick over the head with his toy car today? He's a passive aggressive douche who would rather once again disrespect his wife in public than heal his marriage and help Robin through a dangerous illness. One that threatens his whole family. Nice work Guza.

[Cate]

I am so excited about Helena!! Although I'm not stupid so I don't expect her storyline to be great or even remotely good but Constance Towers is pretty awesome and has the power to make anything at least tolerable.

[Kristina]

I agree with everything you said. And they will definitely find a way to ass up Helena's return but I'm excited anyway, too! =]

[Val]

Excited about Helena, PROUD of Spinelli for proving that he can be a normal person when he has, you know, normal human emotions, still doggedly loving Sarah Brown, but still nauseated by Claudia and Sonny having sex (ew ew ew).

... That's not a very promising summary of my emotions, is it. :/

[Simone]

Agreed with everything, but Spinelli. I can't believe that you posted a picture of him. It is bad enough that I have to see him on the show.

In the new light, TC and MB looked like orange men. Geary looked old and washed out.

I am just breathing a sigh of relief that there is finally light at the end of the PPD hell tunnel. Two more weeks.

[Tabby]

I would be happy about Billy Dee's return if Toussaint was given a better story. I have grown to like Epiphany (thanks NS) and would like to see her have more of a story too.

[jbjz]

Okay, I am a hair away from being done with TIIC. The few fans of NS1 wanted Cody and Lainie to hook up on GH...instead, we got a nonsensical and erratic Cody and Jason pairing. We wanted Dr. Leo to come on to charm the pants off of all the ladies...instead, he got replaced by a shorter, angrier podperson that no one would want near GH. We wanted the return of ASJr to GH...instead, we get BDW! I don't think anyone other than Sonia Eddy even cared if BDW returned for NS2, let alone GH! Are they freaking retarded!?!

[Bethie]

Well, in danger of being bashed upside the head with a toycar, I have been liking GH lately. . .now mind you it might be that I've started reading your blog lately and am finding things funny that may not have been meant to be funny, but hey. . .as long as I'm enjoying myself! I thought Spinelli was kinda awesome today too . . . and did you know he shares his name with a character from Disney's recess (who predates GH Spinelli, who is a girl, who is more normal and way more cool than the GH variety)I know this because I have kids.

The Scrubs stuff makes me mostly sad but sometimes annoyed. . .it feels like character assassination on Robin, and more of Patrick's whiny "me, me, me". The guy is seriously self involved. Yeah, she's a bitch right now and I hope to heaven they can somehow redeem her. . .I liked Lucky today and I hope that he keeps telling off this awful version of Luke. Maybe it'll shake "realLuke" back to life. LOOVe Helena and hope that she brings some real nastiness to the show, not just pseudo nastiness (mobsters who are heroes) or (crazy gunmen who are awesome Jax's brothers). Helena is evil without doubt or hope for redemption. I can't wait.

[Alice]

I did like Spinelli on Monday because, as you mentioned, he almost spoke English. And because he was not the wimp he usually is.

But I guess I am alone in hating the idea of Helena's return. She always brings with her the most outlandish, unbelievable, head-scratching plots. She is over-the-top when I want real emotion and connection. On the other hand, Constance Towers looks so much better than the other ladies on the show who have had work done.

[Beth]

I know I'm alone in this, but Nikolas and Remily (or whoever she is) are the only reasons I bother to watch this show lately. Sure the story sucks, but TC and NL and have such mad chemistry with a look that it makes it worth it to me. Throw in Helena, and I'm there, dude.

And to Robin, I just have to say: SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP. If I hear her mock the idea of being a stay-at-home mom one more time, I'm going to slap her sideways. I'm not sure how she can be down on staying at home SINCE SHE'S NEVER AT HOME.

[Jes]

Ric is looking good!

What is up with Luke? Why do they have to ruin all the great characters?

[tootlegub]

Only three days? I can't imagine what it's like to go through life with that kind of optimism.

[Sara B]

No! Helena's back? Guess I'll have to tune back into this crapfest for awhile. Can she brainwash me into liking this show?

[Penny]

I love it when the writers give Bradford a chance to kick it and he does amazing. They really need to let Bradford out more to play. I am behind excited about Helena.. Constance is the best I can't get over those heals on her.

[Lisbeth]

-I think that the actors who wore black/dark colors looked the most orange...Sonny, Ethan and even Nikolas

-Thrilled Helena is back

-They just need to fire whoever is responsible for writing scrubs. Period. Worst PPD ever...getting angry and flirtatious instead of depressed? I know it is not the actors...we have seen glimpses of greatness from each and they help their fellow actors shine (sign of great actors). In fact, overall their whole relationship has been poorly written.

-Please, please, please GH get rid of Olivia and Claudia and the never ending circle of Sonny worship. And by the way, can you tell me where to get Carly's white top she wore on Tuesday? It was just fabulous!

[the bag lady]

I am sooooo happy to see Helena is back, but I'm dreading it at the same time. I'm setting myself up for complete disappointment. Why do we keep coming back for more?

[Guzasux]

Not watching, not DVR'ing, just keeping up through Daytime Confidential and you. But that pic of Patrick and Monica has got me wondering... what is going on with them? Because I'd tune back in for something like that.

[Sylvia]

I was *so* excited to see Helena (and her killer gams!)

I hope they fix the lighting/HD quality on the show soon - Sonny was bizarre-looking and I didn't realize that Olivia was actually a red-head?

I *loved* Spinelli - yeah, they should have him cut down on the Spinspeak - it seems he's much more tolerable to so many people when he speaks plainly. Personally, I love his Spinspeak - but so many don't.

I want a Spixie endgame - I'm just worried about this faux 'connection' with Johnny. Blech.

[Bethie]

Just re-reading and how the hell did I miss "yams followed by a tang chaser"! hehehe. I'm literally giggling like an insane person here. People are staring.

[Mar]

I agree on Helena's legs. I was all, Damn!!!

[Beth R.]

HAAATE Ethan as well....but as long as Lucky is allowed to snap back at him and Luke and not have to just stand there and take it, ala when everyone would pound on him for not worshipping Jason properly...I can take it.

And since I am so over Prince Nik and his attitude that stalkign is totally cool and courtly...my beloved Helena can be all crazy plotting on his butt in public ANY TIME.

[Simone]

MB could eat a lot of Cheetos also. LOL!

[Nicole]

Really? You give the GH writers three days to screw up the Helena storyline? I give them about three miutes.

[Caitlin]

Laura's last return wasn't even enough to get me to tune back into this suckfest, but I'm just a little bit tempted by Helena. Fortunately(?) I know better than to hope for anything resembling a good old-fashioned gothic Cassadine reunion from the hacks who thought Bolivia has a coastline, so I won't actually be coming off the barge anytime ever. But do let me know if Alexis suddenly remembers she's Natasha.

[kitzie]

Yeah, I was so excited by the idea of Helena returning that I considered starting to watch the show again... And then I realized there's no way she's going to kill Sonny and all his closely tied women, or replace pod-Lucky and pod-Lulu with real ones and release Luke's kidnapped awesomeness, or turn back the clock ten years, or anything that would actually be enough motivation to reinvest in this ess-hole.

[maxxie]

The funniest part of this week for me was when my 3 year old passed by the TV, stopped to look at Sonny and said, "That man is orange." I have been laughing ever since.

And thank you for your kind words regarding Spinelli. Although I respect others opinions, he is my absolute favorite character, Spin-speak or not. I am over-the-top that the writers let him react the way he did because I love to see Bradford Anderson be more than just comic relief!

[Hillary]

I agree with Beth. TC and NL are the only reason I continue to even pay GH the slightest mind. They bring so much chemistry and depth to their characters and their relationship to each other without even speaking, it's incredible. I'm excited to see Constance Towers back as Helena because at least it will give the Cassadines something to do.