General Uselessness

Before I start discussing happenings on today's General Hospital(spoiler: it's rage-y and curse-y!), I want to thank everyone for being patient and indulging the craziness of our real lives that occasionally get in the way of posting, and to thank everyone who emailed and Facebook messaged me filling me in on the highs and lows (mostly lows) of daytime and urging me not to drop out of school and become a hobo. You are sweet squared and you put a huge smile on my face.

Speaking of huge smiles:

I don't want to get into a 'shipper war or anything, but if Lucky and Liz reuniting over the course of six minutes with no buildup, no sense and no good writing makes Cameron that happy, who am I to complain about it?

He is THE BEST.

My heart is prematurely breaking for what is sure to be a huge decrease in Cam sightings once Lucky and Liz are inevitably backburnered like they always are.

My heart is also breaking, BTW, over what this show has done to me. I like to consider myself a fairly eloquent person. And I love words! I especially love using a dozen words when I could probably make my point with three, and I also love long run-on sentences, so there are many times when I write a sentence that should really be three paragraphs and perhaps that is not proper English, but whatever, that's for squares. The problem is that GH robs me of my ability to use words and I spend entire episodes either silent and stony-faced, shocked and gaping like a simpleton, or making noises that are part curse/part wretch/part gasp.

Let's just put it out there, okay: Luke cheated on Laura. And "the timing works" for him to be a plausible candidate in the "Who's Ethan's Daddy and, Perhaps More Importantly, Does Anyone Care?" contest. That means, based on Lucky's astute observation that Ethan is around Lulu's age, that Luke either cheated on Laura while they were on the run and, you know, happy together, or right around the time when Lulu was born and dying.

Does Bob Guza wake up in the morning and say, "You know, I've ruined this show's history but I haven't ruined it ENOUGH. What else can I do? I've already killed practically all of the Quartermaine-y whosawhatsis, so what now? I KNOW! Let me take the legacy of Luke and Laura and pour gasoline all over it, then set fire to it and cackle maniacally, all in the name of SHOCKINGNESS and EDGINESS and a MARBLE-MOUTHED RANDOM AUSTRALIAN DUDE. Because I am Bob Guza! There was no Luke Spencer until I reinvented Luke Spencer! I don't believe in non-Sonny and non-Jason sacred cows!  Choke on THAT, Genie Francis!"

I mean, really: Luke cheating on Laura. And pretty much being like "I know I'm a douche, but since I'm admitting to being a douche, you can't get mad at me for being a douche, douche" about it when Lucky had the nerve to be outraged that his father cheated on his mother. And then comparing this random Australian maybe-brother to the Nikolas situation? Double you tee eff?

And this moment, from yesterday's show, in one of GH's many "Ethan, you rule/Lucky, you suck" scenes:

Luke: You know, [Lucky's] pretty messed up, really. This uptight, upright citizen thing doesn't suit him. He was not raised to be a cop raising other people's children.And one day, I'm afraid he's going to wake up and realize that he's caught in a dead-end life.

REALLY? I hope when Cam is done doing his "Yay, my mom and dad are back together" happy dance that he decides to take a walk over to the Haunted Star (you know he could find it by himself) andgive Luke a "Bitch, please" of epic proportions, and let Ethan know he's got a target on his back because SERIOUSLY.

I am nearly a month into my official hatred of Luke Spencer, which is one of the sadder sentences I've ever typed, and, at this point, I just want to know what the purpose of it is. Because it's not entertaining, it's not well written and it seems to just be a way for the powers-that-be to tell the audience to suck it and you know, I'd rather the writers just do that literally rather than figuratively. Yes, it would be jarring at first to hear the actors break character and say "blah blah blah, suck it", but wouldn't you prefer that tothe systematic destruction of a daytime legend and the sick thrill you know Guza gets from completely changing Luke's character and pissing all over the show's history?

Soul-killing in a different way is the continuing adventures of Nikolas and Rebecca of The N.Y.C. Makeup Shelf At CVS. It depresses me with its boringness. We actually watched them paint a room today. Thrilling! At one point, when Nikolas was very carefully painting one particular part of the room, I was afraid we were in for a long montage set to some caterwauling, folksy song. I also thought it was in slow motion, but that is neither here nor there. And also, can you imagine what would happen if the writers approached their job with the care and attention to detail that Nikolas approached that wall?

Then there was the hilarious part when Nikolas pulled a muscle moving Rebecca's dresser and she said she'd fix it.

Rebecca: Lie down and take your clothes off.

Cut to the door closed and what sounds like sex noises...except it was really just a massage. Oh, the wacky shenanigans! The zaniness never stops with these two!

I am also really bored with Nikolas's repeated insistences that he is not obsessed with Rebecca because she looks like Emily (joking about how you are a creepy stalker does not make you any less of a creepy stalker, Nik).

Nikolas: I like you for you, not because you look like her.

I wish someone would follow that up with, "Really? What is the "you" you like her for? She has literally no redeeming qualities. What on earth could you possibly like about her? The cheap Rizzo imitation? The pounds of eye makeup?"

Spinelli and Maxie's estrangement is deadly dull and during my furious soap catching up this week, I pretty much paid no attention to it. Like, it was on, and I knew it was on, and I was like, "Oh, there's Maxie and Spinelli" and yet I can't even do a decent recap of any of their scenes because I just tune out.

I was all set to do the same in today's episode until Lulu entered.

That is a whole lot of cleavage, and the dress was super short. It was mesmerizing. I kept waiting for a wardrobe malfunction which could have happened easily if Julie Marie Berman did anything crazy like sit down or move her arm. I think that may be the only thing that could make me pay attention to this storyline!

Liz: Giving [Jake] up was the most selfless thing any father could do.

To be fair, selfless and selfish do sound similar...

Question: what has Laura Wright done to become even more fabulous and gorgeous lately and how do I go about doing the same?

She looks amazing.

More GH thoughts to come, including the continuing horrors of Sonny and Claudia, the unbearable pointlessness of Olivia, my dread over the summer of the SORAS and the entertainment value in Two Hot Doctors and A Little Baby!

Comments

[niccola1]

They have been calling it..."the summer of sonny's kids" or SOSK. Luke sucks and I am sure he would love to do just that to Teethan. The EYESEX he has with that boy is OFF THE CHARTS. Luke is dead to me and this whole storyline is BS. A paycheck is a check and no one said you would get a good deal of quality of story of late on this show. I think I am about to be done with this show, but I am waiting in a perverse way to see what Martha Byrne is going to be doing so if it looks too stupid to be endured, I'll be really done then. Mallory you and Becca continue to give it all you have and I really do appreciate it and your blog is most definitely more entertaining than this show will EVER BE.

[cillann]

I quit watching the show in early Nov 2008 so I've been GH free for 6 months. Withdrawal was not as hard as I thought and I recommend it to everyone still suffering from the cesspool of filth Guza is writing. From what I've read, Guza permanently destroyed Luke and Laura today...but from viewpoint, Luke died in November of 2008. RIP Luke Spencer.

[Beth R.]

Didn't I tell you would love the Cameron stuff? He is the bestest and WORD about giving that bitch please to that thing who's walking around pretending to be Luke.

and HEEE! to the selfish/selfless confusion! I have thought that was what was really going on myself.

[ande mcbeal]

Luke sucks major donkey balls, I'm not a Luke and Laura fan, by any stretch, but this is beyond the other limits. Teethan is not the same as Nikolas. Laura was held hostage, forced into a marriage to gain some semblance of freedom and repeatedly raped. She abandoned that child to stay with Luke and he still hated her for her betrayal. So Guza's retcon says that Luke gave Laura hell for Nikolas' existence after he cheated on her with Holly! Really? He and Pratt are competing to see who can shit on more of their soaps history while destroying characters who have been on the canvas for over 20 years. Luke is Guza's entry, and it is certainly impressive but Pratt is no slouch NotLiza was reintroduced in a way that trashed her rich history (since the 70s) on the first goddman day. For my money, they're tied for Hackiest Head writer on ABC Daytime.

Also, to add to the rage, Ric Hearst is officially out. Bastards.

Welcome back.

[Charlie]

I heard about Ric Hearst. Personally, I like to think he's secretly doing a Happy Jesus dance somewhere because now he's free and doesn't have to suffer through this crap anymore. He deserves better and may finally get it-or he realizes that GH is a sinking ship and got out while the getting was good. Either way I wish him luck.

[Sam]

I would rather have my Lucky and Liz be backburned then be subjected to Luza's poison pen.

I am really happy for Rick Hearst. He deserves WAY better than this crap show. I hope my other faves follow suit.

Oh, and Teethan and Luke can die a slow, painful death.

[Lauren]

Hmm, Charlie makes a good point, the backburner is probably the safest place to be.

That said, that cute John Driscoll just joined Y&R, I'm still praying to the soap gods that Rebecca Herbst will somehow go there also so I can stop my abusive relationship with GH.

[horselover]

I think Guza just put the final nail in the coffin of GH. Luke cheated on Laura with Holly?!? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!? It's a total rewrite. Instead of just bringing in Ethan as Robert and Holly's long lost coma baby, they have to sleaze it up and make Luke cheat on Laura. It's almost unbelievable. It's like Guza is TRYING to pi#s off the fans on purpose. He's succeeding. I don't give GH another year without getting it's cancellation notice.

[jennyp]

I wish Rebecca Herbst would go to Y&R and be Mac, I'm just not feeling the new girl. Hope B&B doesn't squander Rick Hearst. Unfortunately, he'll probably end up second fiddle to Ridge, since he's kind of B&B's Sonny.

[dee]

Luke left when Laura did in 2006 the rest has been crap and this is pop Luke I have never seen a show so hell bent on crapping on the best love soap couple in history and an actor that doesn't mind trowing away 30 years of work and fans with it and the work of one amazing actress that work so hard right beside him for years. Watching him drool all over this actor makes me ill do that off the camera please, this show and Luke suck.

[Bethie]

I haven't watched today but maybe Luke is playing Ethan?? Maybe he didn't cheat on Laura and is just pulling the con? You know, calling Ethan's bluff? Just trying to find out what's going on with the toothy kid?

Please??

How can they do this??

UGHH, I was having moments of liking this show again. . . and now they bring this crap right up to the forefront?

This sucks.

[Jay]

PLEASE bring back headwriter Claire Labine. She made GH the best show ever. Guza and Frons and their "pillow talk" are DESTROYING ABC daytime.

I have been a faithful GH fan for a good 30+ years and I am ready to turn my DVR off. It's unwatchable. It's awful. It's insulting. It's sad....

The stories suck, the new characters (Teethan/Rebecca/Claudia) are not working and the "it" factor is just gone. This show is so bad, so so bad.

It's a shame....and what's more shameful is that nothing is being done to rectify the OBVIOUS problem(s). Aren't ALL TIME low ratings a little bit of a clue?

Good bye, General Hospital :( And shame on you for destroying Luke and Laura's legacy.

[Nancy]

Thank you for saying everything that was in my broken heart!!! I am just sick over this rewrite of precious history making Luke a cheat! I saw all of this history in the making, and there is no way he cheated on Laura.....NO WAY! The timeline does not work.
He knows Laura was kidnapped, raped and forced to stay to protect Luke's life, so even a drunken jerk that he's become couldn't make that an excuse.
I hate to say this, but Tony should have had the guts to retire when he saw the way they treated Genie, and the way they were systematically destroying a beloved couple and family. They said that GF couldn't come back because of her weight, remember? Then she lost 40 pounds, is more beautiful than ever and still they can't find a place for her on this crapfest called GH.....puleeeze!
Luke's disdain for his beloved "cowboy" Lucky is another outrage for me. I saw how much he loved that boy, how much he was overjoyed when Lulu was born. Guza can't change that, but the real question is, why does he want to so much.

[cillann]

Claire Labine understood the genre and good story telling..she wrote poignant stories and all characters interacted and seemed like our afternoon "friends." The show was balanced and did not revolve around 4-5 characters exclusively. Storytelling was intriguing and drew the viewer in. When I quit watching, I realized there was not one character holding my interest. So I refused to let Guza's poison pen insult me as a longtime viewer by rewriting history for no reason, for backburning the characters I wanted to see and have known for years and I will not watch Luke Spencer turn into a drunken jerk for Guza's warped fantasies. Guza forgets we were there and we know that Luke never cheated on Laura when they were married. So I turned the show off in Nov and have never looked back.

[Sarah]

On top of everything else pointless and useless and horrible about GH, now we must add the pacing. The pacing of the show and the plot points/story lines is at an all time low.

You hit on it w/ the six minute reunion of Lucky and Liz. They used to have some chemistry, now they are so bored and pissed about losing the old pairings of LuSam and Jiz that they just phoned it in. Sad. As a family they are adorable. Cam saves all!!!!

Or how about the Dante thing? A few mentions randomly and then nothing for many months and maybe never. Are we not going to maybe meet Dante until after Olivia is murdered? I'm confused, this is sooooo boring.

TIIC are so out of control that changes are made every day and there is no real short or long term plan for anyone on screen. It's a joke. Guza and Phelps can't run GH. I doubt they could run a high school radio station.

I hate to say it and it makes me sad, but I can't stand Luke, and I wish he'd just retire from GH forever. He was such an ass of epic proportions this week I actually hated him. It was so bad I wanted Lucky to beat him up and then spit on Teethan.

Oh Lucky. He was so clueless today. He and Luke were in a competition to say the dumbest most untrue things in that fight. Lucky actually said Lulu and Laura are total loyalty and fidelity or something like that. Is he on drugs again??? Laura was held prisoner by Stavros. She admitted to sleeping with him but told Luke it wasn't rape but a way to keep the peace on the island to make her existence easier. However, she also slept with Stefan, and that was just for fun! And Lulu is a total slut sadly. She lied and manipulated a married Dillon to pop her cherry. Then she slept with Logan and stayed with him while also hanging around Johnny until Logan went mental. What a tease. And for a while she had three stalkers panting after her Milo, Spinelli, and Dillon.

And the comments about who Lucky really is and who Luke raised him to be are so BS and the real Luke would never say that crap. He raised his Cowboy to be his own man, question authority, be loving and loyal to family, and make his own way in the world no matter what anyone else thought about it. And that is exactly what Lucky has done. And for Luke to shit all over that is a huge Guza fuck up!

PS Glad you're back and decided to pass on the Hobo life. Not a good look.

Matt Patrick and Emma! I would watch that for the whole hour. No Liz needed.

[Kels]

I worried for a moment that the fangurliness that was coming was for L&L2, which I cannot condone, but luckily you pulled it out. Being Cam's fangurl is just smart.

My solution for the Luke-Ethan problem is simple. Cam needs to burn the haunted start to the ground! (While dressed like a janitor & wearing a fake moustache of course.) Wait I guess he needs to burn it to the water. ;)

I snorted out loud at the line about the writers paying as much attention as Nikolas did to that one bit of wall. I fear what would come of it and yet I wonder how it could be any worse than what they do already.

Spinelli & Maxie makes me tune out while also making me stabby. I want to love Maxie all the time; not just when she's baboon free.

By the way, I am glad to see you survived another semester. I must say I totally respect your desire to use a dozen words when 3 would do. It is a mark of your brainy-ness. :)

[ckn]

The entire show makes me tune out. Well, except for Two Hot Doctors and A Little Baby! Patrick, Matt and Emma are must see t.v. and Cam too. Hands down the cutest little boy on t.v., EVER!

[ReRe]

why oh why did they bring back "emily." i was so glad when diego got her b/c i was so over her. after her relationship with sonny, she was dead to me. but now she's not dead and i'm ticked

[Amy Busby]

I had to go back and check the byline to make sure I did not write this.
In the spirit of the aphasia-inducingness of GH lately I guess I could have just said:
Ditto.

[Mike]

Although I haven't watched an episode of GH in months and months, I follow the show here. And it just keeps getting worse and worse. When you think they couldn't possibly drive the show any further into the ground, they just get a bigger and better shovel and keep at it - digging a little deeper and then banging the show on the head to get it down further. There can be no other goal at this point than a drive to cancellation. Frons clearly has given up on daytime, and my belief is that he is going to let Guza be GH's final writer - even if Guza has to be the one to drive the show into cancellation. Clearly, to allow this much damage to a show, and for it to go on for so long - well, it can't be unintentional. Not at this point.

[Sara]

Is there something wrong with Natasha Livingston's neck? Or is that just a planned part of her I'm-Rebecca-not-Emily ploy, to swivel her neck as if her head were screwed on top of her body, and not very well? Counting how many times her head swings slowly this way and then that way, as if it were on a lazy susan, is all that gets me through her scenes. I believe one day it will spin all the way around, 360 degrees, and her true character will be revealed. Well. To Nik anyway...

I'm sure I'm not the first to talk about it, but the swivel had to be mentioned - again.

[cillann]

THANK YOU GENIE FRANCIS & JONATHAN JACKSON:

In the new Canadian TVGuide:
So what does Genie Francis think of the news that Luke apparently cheated on Laura in the early 90s? Back then, if you remember, the Spencers were sort of like the a really cool version of the Cleavers: they were different and weird and had guns, but, at the end of the day, you knew they were a solid family unit who adored each other. They even had a dog, for crying out loud. And then Nikolas came to town, and it's been a long slow slide ever since.

"I hate this story," Francis tells me over the phone, pulling no punches. "I called Tony up after I heard about it and told him I thought it was going too far. The viewers aren't stupid. They remember what Luke and Laura were like back in the early 90s. And that Luke would have never cheated on Laura."

I contacted the other main player at the time, Jonathan Jackson, who played Lucky, and he told me simply, "When I was around, the Spencers were a very loving family, both on and offscreen. I don't see any reason to mess with that." And he repeated what his former off-screen mother said: "The viewers aren't stupid."

[Rene]

First, SARA! YES! Rebecca/NuEmily/Rizzo definitely has a bobble-head thing going. What the HELL? Maybe Helena can cut off her head and mount it on the dash of her car.

The Nik/Bek scenes are so incredibly boring - fast forward, fast forward. They should have had Nadine come over to help paint, and they could have discussed the plow patent while they painted! Oh, and then Rebecca could have done a makeover on Nadine, showing her how to get that "3-day drunk hangover smudged eye liner" look while Nikolas painted a tiny 4" x 4" section in the corner with Rebecca's huge eyeshadow brush. Fun! Good times!

Don't you just know the new SORAS'd Michael is hoping he gets to lie there doing nothing for as long as humanly possible? He's actually got a great story right now, but as soon as he opens his mouth, all bets are off.

I do have to say, though, that Laura Wright's hair was so mesmerizing in the scenes that I didn't pay any attention to anything that was said. I covet her stylist and her genes.

What was with boob-a-licious Lulu yesterday? Whoa! We go from the "1980's 6th grade" Rainbow Brite shirt to the "1970's Studio 54 ho-bag" look in a matter of a few weeks? I'm guessing most of the crew smokes a LOT of pot to deal with the ever-changing douchery that is the script, so I'm envisioning a lot of laughing, a lot of potato chip eating and a lot of close-your-eyes-and-point wardrobe selection.

Ric Hearst - fond farewell to you. You are getting out while you still have some semblance of your dignity. Kudos. I've never watched the Bold and the Beautiful, but I'm seriously shopping for a new soap. Maybe I'll check it out.

Hopefully Teethan won't be Luke's son so they can finally come out of the closet on their relationship and just have sex already. Right there on the Poker table, chips and teeth flying. Eww.

Cam = Hearts and flowers.

Lucky and Liz = WTF? Friends one day, back together the next. Nice. I was so sure that Lucky was going to show up and see Jason and Liz talking and have one of his fly-off-the-handle rages - even though he'd have no reason to show up in Michael's room, but since when does anything Guza does make sense? Because Guza creams himself over the opportunity to have Jason get one-up on Lucky. You know it's coming.

Spinelli = sad. They could have done so much with this character. Bradford Anderson is eluding in interviews to the fact that he's confused about his storyline and character development as well.

One Life to Live? Bold and the Beautiful? Days of Our Lives? I'm taking applications for a new soap. All inquiries welcome. References required.

[Dawn]

****Luke left when Laura did in 2006 the rest has been crap and this is pop Luke I have never seen a show so hell bent on crapping on the best love soap couple in history and an actor that doesn't mind trowing away 30 years of work and fans with it and the work of one amazing actress that work so hard right beside him for years. Watching him drool all over this actor makes me ill do that off the camera please, this show and Luke suck****

What Dee said!

[Dawn]

******Thank you for saying everything that was in my broken heart!!! I am just sick over this rewrite of precious history making Luke a cheat! I saw all of this history in the making, and there is no way he cheated on Laura.....NO WAY! The timeline does not work.
He knows Laura was kidnapped, raped and forced to stay to protect Luke's life, so even a drunken jerk that he's become couldn't make that an excuse.
I hate to say this, but Tony should have had the guts to retire when he saw the way they treated Genie, and the way they were systematically destroying a beloved couple and family. They said that GF couldn't come back because of her weight, remember? Then she lost 40 pounds, is more beautiful than ever and still they can't find a place for her on this crapfest called GH.....puleeeze!
Luke's disdain for his beloved "cowboy" Lucky is another outrage for me. I saw how much he loved that boy, how much he was overjoyed when Lulu was born. Guza can't change that, but the real question is, why does he want to so much.*******

What Nancy said too!

[junie]

I am unoriginal with my feelings about this, but when will Guza and Phelps be fired? It's exhausting to hate a show so much. I can't believe I used to run home from school everyday and schedule classes around this show. WTF? I am angry.

[niccola1]

Thank You Genie Francis and Jonathan Jackson!!! That is the WHOLE POINT of all of this!! WE ARE NOT STUPID AND REMEMBER EVERYTHING ABOUT THE STORIES OF THIS SHOW. I may soon stop watching, but my memories will serve me well after this show is cancelled.

[Kate]

"I was afraid we were in for a long montage set to some caterwauling, folksy song."

Fear no more! We got a wall painting montage today!

This show is crap.

[Carolyn]

Your assessment of the dismal Spencer situation is so right. I am of course not watching, but can't believe what Guza is doing!! Wait, yes I can.

Oh, and can you please pretty please address the fact that Sam fell half-naked from the sky last week? Huh? WTF?

Glad you're back posting!

[Bethie]

I'm really starting to worry. . . I want so badly for the characters that I love[d] to do something that makes sense. . .why won't the writers write that? Is that asking too much? Just take a look at some boards and pick something. . .anything that isn't fly in the face idiotic! How hard can it be?