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« Reasons I Am Exceedingly Happy Today | Main | Murder Mystery By Numbers »

May 17, 2009

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

Becca and I have long maintained that one of the best parts about blogging is seeing the search queries that lead people to our little piece of the internet.

You have the adorably earnest people...

it's great having john aniston front and center on days of our lives

the creepy people who almost certainly drive white vans...

nasty teens in red dresses kising

and the people on an obvious quest for the perfect hairstyle. No lie, probably about half of the searches that send people are way are about Laura Wright, Megan Ward and Alicia Minshew's hair. We are with you, Googlers! They are in a three-way tie for world's best hair.

We are far more entertained by these keywords than we are most of our soaps (which isn't exactly a difficult feat, but you know what I mean). But what happens to those poor information seekers when they leave Serial Drama with their questions unanswered? We are feeling more and more guilty about throwing these people to the proverbial wolves, so we decided to take a shot at answering some of the questions people have had this week. Just like Ann Landers and Dear Abby, except marginally hipper!

What color is farah fath's brunette hair?

Um, brown.

is spencer pratt psychopathic?

Yes. Non-psycopathic people do not do these things. If insanely staged "romantic" photo shoots and a creepy flesh-colored beard are not enough proof, billionaire and professional hobo slash vampire Mary-Kate Olsen agrees that he is the worst.

(Can we talk for a second about Kristin Cavallari joining The Hills? That seems so wrong, but...so wrong that it just might be right. The fact that she oh so conveniently caught the bouquet at Heidi and Spencer's wedding is the height of producer manipulation and it actually makes me giddy. And she sat with Justin Bobby at the wedding! Hilair!).

what to do with crystal gale length hair

I'm assuming that cutting it is out of the question...? I'd advocate deep conditioning often and doing  Cousin Itt impersonations for fun. Did you know that Crystal Gale considers her hair to be like a child? I didn't until just now, and I am kind of wishing I could go back to being ignorant of that strange fact.

general hospital where to get baby emma

Like...to purchase her? That's probably not legal, although she is adorable, so I understand the impulse. I'd check trees in upstate New York.

what has jackie zeman done to her face!

A lot. She has done a lot. I would need to do a thorough analysis to describe all of it extensively and since Bobbie is onscreen approximately twice annually, that probably won't happen. I suppose the more pertinent question here is why has Jackie Zeman done that to her face, but I don't have an answer to that, either.

ashley young and the restless sex change

Poor Eileen Davidson. How long with this rumor follow her for?!  She is not and has never been a man!

darnell williams is great

Co-sign, anonymous searcher!

how to speak coherently

First and foremost, do not model your speech patterns after those of the characters on General Hospital. Maurice Benard is a dangerous act to follow: those pauses, interjected "uh"s and quaint pronunciations such as "mannipleate" and "dee-vorce" are not coherent. And for the love of God, do not try Spinelli speak. You will annoy someone with a short fuse and you will wind up on the wrong end of a beatdown.

who is dying on all my children?

Aside from my soul? Adam...or Stuart, if he were pretending to be Adam at the time Adam was shot, a crime for which there are approximately 93 suspects including, but not limited to, Krystal, David, JR, Annie, Kendall, Zach, Liza, Emma, Little A, Spike, and Diego from General Hospital.

need a viewing of otalia!!!

The three exclamation points convey that this googler means business and I can see why, because the Olivia/Natalia coupling on Guiding Light was one of my favorite parts of that show and probably one of the best romances on soaps in general right now. For clips, check out the Otaliafan channel on YouTube.

was guiding light canceled

Who wants to hear a hilarious story? So, our lovely Soap Opera Digest editor Stephanie Sloane asked us if we'd watch new (for us) soaps for our April column, and I volunteered to watch Guiding Light and The Bold and the Beautiful. I watched both for a few weeks, and submitted my column on a Monday. That Wednesday, the show was canceled. The show was on the air for seventy-something years and I watch a dozen episodes and get it canned. Biggest jinx ever!

victor newman great boss and hero


is there any way to redeem yourself after cyberstalking?

Clear your cache immediately and then go about being condescending to others about how creepy and wrong cyberstalking is. It's technically not redemption, but it's practically good enough.

hating ryan lavery

DUDE! Pull up a chair, because you are among friends. All AMC viewers hate Ryan Lavery. All ABC Daytime viewers hate Ryan Lavery, just on the basis of lame AMC commercials featuring him. People in remote areas of Siberia do not know who Ryan Lavery is but they intuitively sense that he is a douche.

This query, or a variation thereof, has been popping up a lot recently, no doubt in response to the ABC mandate that Ryan must be the king of AMC all the time. Heads explode across the land and we all rush to vent on the internet about our searing hatred. This warms my heart to the point where I could burst out into song. "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony...."

gh writing teams sucks

Yes it does. It sucks all the way to the daytime Emmys because it inexplicably received a nomination. "Hey, you have brought new meaning to the world terrible all year and your extreme lack of talent has caused the show to bleed viewers! Congrats, here's a chance to be rewarded for sucking!"

will abc fire brian frons?

Since it is something that we all long for, probably not, because who would do something silly like shitcan someone who has ruined three daytime dramas and an entire network. But we can always dream!


I miss the Bluths!!! (3 exclamation points indeed) They all signed on for the movie. I hear it is still in development/script writing. Ron Howard needs to get back to it and stop wasting time on movies about symbologysts. Let's pray Arrested Development the Movie makes it to our cineplexes soon.

I loved this post, but could have also lived happily not knowing about Crystal Gayle's hair baby or that inquiry about teens kissing. There is way too much creepy in the world. I mean beyond The Moustache of course :-)

As a very disappointed GH fan, I find myself wishing the writers would start asking.....WWGD to improve the show? What would Gob do?

It's still a little fuzzy but I do believe it would involve a segway, a magic trick and puppet named Franklin.

I come to this site often and always leave with at least a grin. Usually never post but I just had to say thanks so much for the best laugh I have had in weeks!

i LOVE this soo much!! thanks for answering many of these questions!! Please continue blogging!! your blogs bring a smile to my face all the time!!! i can always use a good laugh every now and then esp. when it comes to reading your GH blogs!!

omg, this was hysterical! What a service you have provided by answering these burning questions! I laughed out loud!!! (yes 3 exclamation points)

GH will not get better until Guza and his poison pen, Phelps Farren, and Frons are gone. Until that happens, there is no hope.

yes! there needs to be more gif's in your posts. that seriously made my night. and really, what does that say about my night?

great idea for a blog entry. its interesting you can see which searches lead you here.

So much word, Mallory! What an awesome post. You get snaps for that and even more snaps for posting this on my birthday!

LOL at your responses to the Farah Fath and baby Emma queries!

I think that it is interesting to share part of you with the whole world of the other way around. That people can share their perspectives of your post.

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

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