Bad Idea Jeans Are Pine Valley's Trendiest Item

There are so many convoluted schemes being perpetuated on All My Children right now by characters who are truly out of their depth, which, I suppose, is a function of the show being written by people whose writing process consists of "You know what would be freaking awesome? If we had [Character(s)] do [something completely random that goes against their character history and/or common sense]. I don't know how we can make that happen but, oh, well, everything will sort itself out in the long run!".

All Liza wants is to reconnect with Colby. Naturally, her first attempt at reconnecting with her daughter involved writing letters and then never thinking to follow up with her mother, stepfather and friends in town when the letters went unanswered, instead shrugging and saying to herself, "It's okay, one day there will be a thunderstorm in Pine Valley and I'll sneak into the Chandler mansion and happen upon the stack of letters and show them to her then. Much easier than picking up the phone and calling her." I guess it's no surprise, then, that her next attempt included having a baby. Except it's not so much "having a baby" as it is "pretending to be pregnant and then passing off an adopted baby as my own. An adopted baby who is the focal point of another scheme involving my ex-boyfriend and his new wife and lies about dead newborns".

All of that is incredibly stupid, as is her justification for not adopting another baby that doesn't have the Jake/Amanda/David baggage:

Liza: Tad, I've tried to conceive. Donors and insemination, just like I did with Colby. It's not working, and, uh, yeah, I've thought about adoption, but two years of waiting, possibly getting slammed -- I'm sorry. I just don't have the time or the patience to wait.

That's straight up lunacy. "I am too impatient to wait for a legal adoption, so let me stick a pillow under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, because that is obviously what rational people do in this type of situation".

I suppose it is her obvious insanity that prevented her from giving her plan any more thought, like, oh, I don't know, what would she do if the daughter she is so desperate to reconnect with asked to feel her brother or sister kick.

Colby: I got to feel Jenny move all the time. She did backflips. Let's see what this little guy does.

Liza: NO! Don't. Don't!

She is terrible at scheming. How did she not think someone would attempt to feel the baby kick? I've seen pregnant women get accosted by strangers with that request. Think your plans through, idiot!

Later, when she was at the casino, pouring her heart out to Zach with her dress open and her bra exposed because...I don't even know, my heart actually stopped beating for a second because of the sheer terror I felt at this exchange:

Liza: What are you talking about? I just lost my child.

Zach: You'll have another one.

STEP AWAY FROM THE WOMAN WITH BABY RABIES, ZACH SLATER. WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE AND IT LED TO HEARTACHE AND VOMITING.

I don't even know what to say about the latest "Your baby is dead. Haha, not really" story. Honestly. I adore Jake and Amanda together, and I have hated David since his return to AMC last fall, but...gosh, watching David, evil as he is, react to hearing that his son died, like two of his other children already have? That was awful (and major ups to Vincent Irrizary for his top notch acting today. He's been too hammy for my liking for the past few months, but he was fantastic today and seemed honestly gutted).

Amanda: When he was first born, I waited for that moment that you hear about, where he cries and they tell you, "10 fingers, 10 toes, he's healthy." But there was nothing but silence. Jake said he didn't make it. I didn't believe him. I didn't want to believe him, so I asked to hold him and touch him and feel him, say goodbye, and I held him, and he was so perfect. He was so perfect, David, like a dream, but I couldn't say goodbye because he was already gone. It was so still. You don't want your only memory of your son to be a little baby in the morgue. He's in heaven, laughing and gurgling and waving his little fists. He's with Babe and Leora. So say a prayer and hold on to that.

Jesus Christ, that is low.

Chrishell Stause has mentioned a few times how worried she is about how the viewers will perceive Amanda's actions, and I didn't know how bad the actions she is talking about were but...wow.

All three of them, and Liza, have been in the wrong multiple times throughout this clusterfuck of a story, and I'd be happy enough if all of a sudden it turns out that Amanda was never pregnant and we had all collectively imagined the story happening as we often do, according to the powers-that-be. Then I could enjoy Jake and Amanda without feeling conflicted at all and we won't have to deal with another dead baby lie. Win/win!

David Canary has inspired me to try to invent new words to describe his greatness, and Melissa Claire Egan is pretty great, so I really enjoy Annie and Adam's scenes together, because they have a great rapport, and I liked seeing Adam go overboard trying to redeem himself by saving the person who saved his life. I had this great vision of a platonic and entertaining union. It serves me right for having high, or even medium level, hopes about this show, because, of course, they went ahead and had Annie kiss Adam today and I was completely put off by it. Why could they not have just been hilariously snarky BFFs? Why could they not move forward with an Adam/Erica romance? Why are they instead moving forward with an ungodly Erica/Ryan...thing (WARNING: Link is not safe for life. Think the video from The Ring, except more ooky). I know that the answer to all of the above is "Because the writers are failures", but I still need to ask in order to express my anguish.

Adam: I want Kendall Slater banned from this hospital.

Joe: That's not going to happen.

Adam: No, if you're not going to do anything about it, maybe I'll do something. You can't just have killers walking the halls.

Annie: Oh, Adam, I am a killer. Kendall's just a suspect.

Hee!

Adam: No, you were protecting yourself. This is a cold-blooded killer who shot my brother in the back.

Kendall: I did not do it, Adam, ok? And neither did Zach. And I hope to god that the police find Stuart's real killer very soon.

Adam: Oh, I'm looking right at her. And I hope you burn in hell.

For starters: OUCH, Adam! That is way harsh.

And, okay, here's thing: I will pretty much defend Kendall for anything, including her affair with Ryan (PTSD from her coma and the trauma that happened when she was in the coma), and I don't necessarily agree with Adam coming at her like that, buuuuut...he is grieving and heartbroken, and Kendall and Zach both went to the Chandler mansion to kill Adam on the night that Stuart died. It is a little disingenuous to get so irked that people think you are a killer when you actually had planned to become a killer, no? I know she didn't do it, but why should Adam believe that? I really don't like when two of my favorites are against each other.

I so badly want to watch the Hubbard scenes to bask in the glory of Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams and JR Martinez, but holy fuck is Frankie the most annoying person in Pine Valley right now. With the whining, and the angrily reminiscing, and the whining, and the self pitying and the whining, and the not asking for a drink with a straw that he could easily drink with his bandaged hands. CRAM IT, HUBBARD.

I especially like how he threw a glass across Confusion and not one person in the bar even reacted. ??? I know a lot of disturbing things happen at the bar, but no one even flinched at the sound of broken glass.

You know what I especially don't like? That the Confusion bartender is named Josh. Damn it, I am the last person in the world who still mourns that Aborted Fetus and I will continue to mourn him on principle!!!

David's secret patient being nursed by Gayle: common sense says that it is Greenlee, especially with all of the Greenlee mentions recently. But it could also be Dixie...or any of the Pine Valley residents who fell off of cliffs. Or someone truly random, like Julia. None of those people would have called Ryan, but since when does Pratt need any of his stories to make sense?

Comments

[Hookd]

re: Liza's barren state!

Well, I am chuckling over the fact that Liza carrying Ryan's child had such a bad effect that her womb no longer accepts inferior sperm. She should have gotten Adam's again.

[Oh Susannah]

IA about most of what you said. Not much of anything in PV makes much sense these days, so I don't know why we're all surprised that today was so bad. But I will say it was a clusterfuck today & maybe the worst collection of stupidity yet! I cannot root for Amanda/Jake & this ridiculously vile plot & it does make me want to root for David, who until today was just about unrootable- if that makes sense? CS needs to be worried- Babe anyone? Liza with her shirt open & bra on display- wtf was up with that?? What was her point there? I give TK props for keeping his eyes from meandering. But you're so right- Run, Zach- don't you smell trouble here?? I'm most always an Adam fan, but he lost me today with what he said to Kendall- uncalled for. Having said that however, I am with you in wondering why anyone would be insulted thinking they are a murderer when they went to the Chandler mansion that fateful nite with the express reason of killing Adam & then acting all indignant to be accused of it- go figure? There was a lot of bad today, but I gotta say that what Amanda told David was evil. This show has to get better than this!

[Caitlin]

"Why are they instead moving forward with an ungodly Erica/Ryan...thing"

OMG...I'm never watching television between 1 and 2pm ever again if there is even a chance I might see this happen. Let's list all the other things besides age that Erica is above Ryan in: emotional maturity, awesomeness, sensitivity, use of facial expressions, morals, family values and loyalty, etc. Then there's the category where there's a gigantic gap, actor's ability to actually act.

Also, why is this article on msnbc, seriously there's nothing more important going in on in the world than Erica Kane becoming a cougar. WTF!!!

[Carl]

I'm still annoyed at how they made Aidan a jerk to try to prop Adam/Annie. I can't root for them now, because they will just do the same to Adam in a few months anyway. They obviously have no idea what to do with Annie.

So they are going to make this baby Jake's, aren't they? I get the feelings they are. Was the baby conceived when Jake was flinging money at Amanda and calling her a whore? Remember those days of twu twu wuv?

This show is a mess.

[Sarah]

I sometimes wish my Mom would try the "nuLiza" approach to parent child communication. I could use the break!

Great post. Leo could be the mystery patient. Or maybe their wacky Mom? Hell, he could have a whole wing of allegedly dead PV folk hopped up on his custom meds. He's like Helena w/ Stavros!!

[Kels]

So absurdly convoluted plans are indeed a soap staple but AMC is chock full of them these days---and they are even more insane than normal.

I have no words for Liza. It all just comes out in a string of profanity. I must note that when Zach said that thing about her having a baby, my heart stopped for a moment but then I burst into hysterical laughter. The thought of Pratt being that moronic twice withe same character sends me over the edge.

I adore Jake & Amanda together. They are the one reason I'm still watching. However, I really do not like their current story. My solution is quite different than yours. I say let's make the baby Jake's. The baby is perfectly healthy & fully developed despite having been born early so perhaps that is because the baby was conceived earlier than Frankie's guess from that ultrasound. Speaking of things that are stupid, how about never even attempting a DNA test?

Ryan & Erica? No.freaking.words. My brain just shuts down to protect itself. Adam & Annie? Are different to me but still I don't want a romance. I can totally envisage your BFF scenario and it would be tons of fun. But noooo....she's already kissing him. WTFever.

Speaking of Annie, am I supposed to believe she's sane when she just dumped Aidan for Adam? Sure Adam has money & influence but Aidan is well the very definition of man candy. On top of which he was so in love with Annie and willing to protect her no matter what. Annie may just need a return trip to Oak Haven.

Shh...Frankie is pretty. Just concentrate on the pretty. Part of me totally understands why he's so depressed but that understanding will not last forever.

And how can you ignore how awesome Brot continues to be? If nothing else, he not only listens to the whining but he's also called Frankie out on his attitude. JR Martinez continues to impress me.

[Leanne]

Sorry but Adam was an A$$ to Kendall yesterday and he had no right to be so harsh. Lest we forget the reason Kendall was trying to kill Adam, it was after all because Adam selfishly nearly helped in ending her child's life. Adam deserves the grief he is feeling and Kendall has every right to defend herself. Plus who the hell did Adam think he was saying he wanted Kendall banned form the hospital, Adam dude, get the hell over yourself.

[Leanne]

OH and Adam and Annie kissing is nasty. Who thought this coupling would be good? Don't answer that I already know the answer because Prass is an idiot, who is not capable of thinking. I like Adam, but I hate they way he is with Annie and I hate how nasty he is being to those around him. Adam is responsible for a good majority of his problems and his attitude with others (even if he believes they are guilty of murder) is not OK nor is it the least bit rootable for me. Dude needs to back the hell up and own take a nice long look in the mirror.

[KIM]

Thanks Mallory. you rock, but have to DISAGREE with ya on the kendall LOVE, i will not just forgive her anything, i mean lets face it if this was ZACH and say anyOTHER WOMAN, kendall and her FANS would have a COW. iam a zach fan and i say. in this marrige she has cheated on him two times two many. i say zach deserves at least NOT TO HAVE his wife cheat on him, while claiming ALWAYS, ONLY YOU. RYASS, AIDAN, AND WHO KNOWS WHO ELSE CAUSE she is afraid to be alone. she needs to GROW A PAIR. I THINK it is DANG FUNNY AS HECK that kendall's lover will now be knocking boots with her mommy........

[TV's Tim]

I've got to tell you, much like General Hospital, I don't know why anyone would continue to watch this mess. Any time I'm halfway tempted to watch to see how much of a trainwreck it has become, I read a review like this and realize that it's even worse than I imagined. Much like Port Charles, Pine Valley has become a haven for angry, unlikable people with outrageous senses of entitlement. That's why Stuart's senseless murder is so damaging to this show, as he was one of the last truly selfless characters left who hadn't devolved into a hateful, snarky piece of scum and/or a self-righetous hypocrite.

I mean, who am I supposed to root for here? The clueless police chief who randomly shoots at moving targets? The cheap slut and her loser boyfriend playing the old 'Sorry, Your Kid Is Dead!' game with Doctor Doom? The baby-selling trailer park queen and her unconvicted murderer ex? Or the faux-mobster and his moll and all their odious satellites who discuss which one ended an innocent life the same way most of us would debate whose turn it was to take out the trash? And the one guy I'm supposed to hate is the one I've got the most sympathy for, even as they write him as a clueless baboon being played by the town psycho. What a complete farce of a show.

[JL]

Good point, Hookd. Ryan's sperm does a number on anyone unfortunate enough to have it take up residence in her womb, (except Kendall, because we know the Kane DNA just beat the hell out of the Lavery DNA the second it got there). Greenlee's body violently rejected it, too.

I was also paralyzed with fear the moment the Zach/Liza conversation hit that "you can have other babies" point. I was also annoyed as can be because you just knew Kendall was going to walk in on him in his office with half-dressed Liza. Otherwise, why would they even have Liza ripping open her dress and ripping off the pregnancy pad to vent? Not like she couldn't vent while fully clothed. And, Kendall had just admitted she wanted to go home and be a family with Zach and the boys again, so of course she was going to walk in on Zach with a half-naked woman (he's had sex with before) ranting about wanting a baby. Pratt is nothing if not completely unsubtle.

[Sharon]

Oh, Mallory, I too mourn Josh. wWhile I thought the AB storyline was insanity times two, I was intrigued at the idea of inserting some testosterone into the the estrogen-filled Kane DNA pool. Alas, the writers could never decide what to do with poor, pretty Josh and finally decided to write him out the same way the wrote him in -- in a manner that made no sense whatsoever.

[Stephanie]

You guys are so funny, except for the all-too-frequent use of profanity. I agree with so many comments but am so limited on time that I will not be specific. However, on Leanne's comment, I have to call it out. Think about what you are saying -- you said (between the lines) that Kendall would have been justified in killing Adam for the sole reason that he almost had a part in her son's death. That makes no sense, and I couldn't even believe I was reading it and that someone would actually go so far as to put that "in writing," UNLESS you're playing the "it's-a-soap-opera-so-i'm-gonna-let-myself-wish-things-that-would-otherwise-be-totally-wrong" thing. Only if you are saying those things in light of the fact that the show is pure fiction could I not call it out. I have 2 children of my own, so it's not as though I wouldn't understand due to not having children. Murder is never ever right, justified, or acceptable unless it is to protect another person from harm! :)