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« Where Have You Gone, Summer Storylines? | Main | We're Here to Help »

June 11, 2009

Brotherhood of the Woefully Dim

"Hells bells, Trudy," I said to myself following today's episode of General Hospital (in order to celebrate my excitement over Mad Men's third season premiere being two months away, I have been liberally peppering my speech with quotes from the show. Well, mostly that quote. Because it is hugely versatile and fun to say). "Everybody on this show is HOPELESSLY STUPID."

Seriously, I was going to do "The Week's Most 'How the Hell Can You Walk Upright, and Without Supervision' Dialogue", but there was no way to decide which Port Charles denizen was the most dangerously dumb.

Nikolas: Yeah, I wanted you to hear this from me. Rebecca and Emily are twins. Alexis has the FBI documentation to prove it.

Lucky: Well, that explains a lot.

Nikolas: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Are we supposed to believe that she just happened to end up here?

Nikolas: She swears she didn't know.

Elizabeth: But that's ridiculous.

Lucky: Ok, what difference does it make? It's almost like we got a part of Emily back with us.

Yes, Lucky, it is almost like you got a part of Emily back. The terrible part, with the awful personality, and the fake deep voice and the makeup style of the Bad Girl #1 character in an After School Special.

Lucky: But why be all suspicious? Emily wouldn't.

REALLY, LUCKY? Emily wouldn't be suspicious that the twin sister sold at birth just randomly landed in her town, all the way across the country, and started mingling with her friends and family after lurking in hallways for weeks? Why is EVERYBODY taking this news in stride? Lucky, Nikolas and Monica are all like, "That's hilarious that you are Emily's twin and stumbled upon our little town. That 'It's a Small World' song was right on!" 

Thankfully, Liz reacted to this poorly written story--oh, sorry, "bombshell reveal"--properly: with suspicion and blatant anger that she was sharing airspace with Lucky and Nikolas and their dumbness.





I especially love the last one, where she is plainly thinking, "Go ahead, respond to my cogent, logical argument with some inane comeback. I will cut you."

Those facial expressions clearly mirrored my own during the last two episodes (although mine were poor facsimiles of the above, as very few people in the world come close in matching Becky Herbst's expressiveness)...


What was with Ethan coming to Lucky's house, uninvited, making himself at home and then lecturing Lucky about acceptance and the awesomeness of Luke? I know that 90% of his dialogue since joining the show has been preaching the awesomeness of Luke, but this was a bit over the top, even for Ethan:

Lucky: The DNA results?

Ethan: Yeah, see for yourself.

Lucky: Tell our dad congratulations.

Ethan: You know, you could try congratulating me, too. It's not every day that I get to find out Luke Spencer is my father.

Learn how to read a room, douche! Who says that to their hostile, newly-discovered brother? "It's true, this TEXT MESSAGE* confirms that your father's stepping out on your mother resulted in my birth. How delightful! This is the greatest day of my life, knowing that the man who seems contemptuous of you, at best, and who fawns over me, is my real father! I wish you were happier for me."

*OMFG, who are they kidding with DNA results being delivered via text message? And without needing to enter a secure pin, or anything! I know that the fact that I continue watching this show says little for my intelligence, but I am not quite so stupid that I will buy that!


Why is Michael not seeing a therapist? He should be, right? I mean, he should have been years ago when he first started ordering hits, and he should be even more so now because he was in a coma for a year, but also, he flies into fits of rage (most notably when he is dealing with women: Robin, Carly, and Liz, now. Oh, this effing show) and, perhaps most seriously of all, is violently blasphemous:


He punched JASON! The holiest of all hitmen! He is obviously troubled!

It's true that trotting Lainey out would do nothing for the kid, and it would probably be more therapeutic and beneficial for him to speak aloud to a potted plant, but there are other psychiatrists in the world, and I am sure that the powers-that-be would relish the opportunity to hire a new actor while weeding talents like Rick Hearst and Megan Ward from the cast...


Mayor Floyd: Brianna and Iwere in an embrace in the shower. It got athletic. She hit her head. It was very painful.

That is both dumb and skeevy! Nicely done, Mayor!

Remember the last time I was excited about the start of a Scrubs storyline? I actually once said the words, "Robin and Patrick's post partum depression story has, thus far, not been a complete disaster...It's been handled pretty sensitively and realistically". Oh, January Mallory! What a fool you were!

Seeing how that story went after a promising beginning, I am wary of expressing any positivity about this latest story with Mayor Floyd and his mistress, or even entertaining the thought that it may stay good. I will cautiously say that I really like the way Kimberly McCullough, Jason Thompson, Nancy Lee Grahn, Lisa LoCicero and John Bolger have been working together, and I look forward to seeing Martha Byrne in action with them, and I, of course, look forward to a hospital based story, but I refuse to get excited about this, lest it blow up again in my face.

Special props to John Bolger for being so hilariously shady and doing his best Eliot Spitzer impression. I eagerly look forward to seeing GH rip from Law & Order's ripping from the headlines with this. Will Floyd get his own hilarious nickname, like Spitzer being titled the Love Guv? Oh, I hope so. The Player Mayor has such a nice ring to it!


Lulu, blessedly, was the voice of reason during the inane Maxie/Spinelli/Kate drama that I don't fully understand, probably because I can't pay attention to those scenes in their entirety. Remember when Kate was awesome? Misty water-colored memories...

Lulu: Ok, I get that Kate is unfair, but that's a tradeoff for having this job. You love this job. You've said before that this is the only thing that you've done right.

Maxie: That was before Spinelli, and he's taught me to have faith in myself and trust my unique thing that Ibring to the table. I mean, if Iwas able to impress Kate enough to get this job, then I'll probably impress her replacement enough to keep. And you, too. We're kind of like a package deal.

Lulu: Right. But that's the part that you're not getting. If he exposes Kate and she gets replaced, any good editor-in-chief will come in with their new assistants, ok? If you want to stay in fashion, you'll probably have to move to Manhattan or London or Paris.

Distressingly, Maxie has been, like, a never-ending parade of adorably dressed stupid these days. I blame Spinelli, frankly. I don't know how much longer I can take the sick Maxie/Spinelli mutual admiration society about being better people and trusting their souls and whatever other babble they plagiarize from Grey's Anatomy before I seriously hurt myself from rolling my eyes.



Claudia, don't worry if Kelly can't find your baby's heartbeat. That doesn't necessarily mean the baby is dead, it may just mean that Kelly's a moron. After all, she never realized that Maxie was pregnant with a PILLOW.


Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason


Anyone else notice that everyone Michael has gone off has been the EX-girlfriend of Jason? What is he all raging against the maching because they stopped worshipping his awesome perfect uncle? Well all but mom..but still.....it's ONLY exes of Jason he goes off on. It annoys.

The whole Rebecca thing is beyond stupid...I have the feeling the acceptance is supposed to show that Rebecca is really a good person becuase she feels bad for hurting these people who accept her so openly...but SHE SUCKS. and sucks HARD. I mean she's sleeping with Ethan...who can't read a room to save his life...and who CLEARLY doens't know who's house that was before Lucky's or that the FANS haven't forgotten it either....so how much a bigger indication of suck can you get?

The text message thing drove me crazy! And to that end...I choose to beleive it is an elaborate con and in the end that douche will be revealed to be the connectionless Lovett I want him to be. i like my denial land.

"Go ahead, respond to my cogent, logical argument with some inane comeback. I will cut you."

Please do, Liz. Cut them and look unfairly beautiful while doing so.

liz is the bomb!

So now both Michael and Kristina are going to be rebellious teenagers? Oh, GH writers, you truly are on the cutting edge.

I had hoped that Michael was being an equal-opportunity brat in terms of gender. Having you confirm that he is primarily screaming at women [I don't watch the whole show] makes me think that Guza has just dropped the pretense and is making his misogyny the text rather than the subtext. Sigh.

Holy Shit! Cam's Mommy has a pretty great "Bitch Please" look all her own. She and Alexis should tie up Lucky and Nikolas and hold them hostage until they retain adequate levels of intelligence and common sense. It's for their own good. It would be best for everyone, even the writers and viewers of this poop fest of a soap.

And the line about Emily not being suspicious. Well she was dim dumb bulb herself! She thought Jason the "HITMAN" could do NO WRONG!*!^!%!%$!(&^!%*^%!^* And she voluntarily fell in lust/love with freaking Mumbles. So no doubt she would have baked her Eye Shadow laden doppleganger cookies no questions asked.

Claudia's attempt at being human and crying over her dead fetus and Sonny's lack of caring has truly pushed this story line and her character to depraved and ridiculous levels of evil. MAKE IT STOP! This is a lost character and story and the writers should just make it disappear, like a Quartermaine.

Then she had the nerve to keep blaming Carly for the fall and vowing an endless reign of terror and misery on Carly like she has never known if her baby is really dead. WTF!?!?!?! There's hypocritical then there is Claudia insane hypocritical. SHE FUCKING GOT MICHAEL SHOT ALREADY. What is she going to do now? I wished at that moment Johnny would just have shot his evil crazy sister right there in the GH lobby. I can't take any more of Claudia's vile nonsense. This show is such an asshole it makes me wish it were even more violent.

When did Lulu get so glam and why? She used to show up for work in her black jeans, vests, and bedazzled t-shirts. She looks a million times better, but there is no reason or explanation for it which is odd.

"Brilliant" Patrick seems to have forgotten he has a previous relationship with the Playa Maya! He punched Mayor Floyd in the face during the MC Hostage Crisis. Cuz the douche was happy to let Robin bleed out in the lobby and told Mac exactly that. Looks like Patty needs to give himself a neuro check :-)

JB could totally play the Luv Guv in the movie of the week based on his Spitztastic life :-)

You haven't already strained your eye muscles rolling them at the suck that is Spin and Maxie? For shame.

That line of Maxie's made me want to learn how to vomit through my eyeballs. It would have to be less painful than watching that crap.

Thank you my dear for not jinxing the Scrubs stuff. I appreciate your efforts. I will just agree with your cautious statements thus far and leave it at that.

Thank you Sarah..that was exactly what I was thinking about Emily...the woman pimped out her HITMAN brother over her oldest friend since childhood as the BEST choice for a woman, thought he could do no wrong, and let us not forget...was really only EVER gotten by Mumbles and then went back to the man who cheated on her when she couldn't get over her rape by his random double. Emily not only would have accepted Rebecca...she would have already given her access to her trust fund.

I am in pure agreement with Heather.

The dumbest part was the DNA results by text message which I might add was sent off by mail last week! The viewers are still being challenged.

I so wanted someone to give Claudia a washcloth to wipe her face from the OTT tears. I guess all the tears suppose to make viewers feel sorry for her. It ain't happening ...

Nickolas wasn't this dumb with Nadine!

Another example of today's radical , shameful, and painful dimness...

Spindork has insane outlandish hypocrisy on Claudia levels of retarded. He actually told Maxie and Lulu that he isn't comfortable not making sure Kate gets fired. He thinks it's his responsibility to end her career based on his tiny amounts of ill gotten information on some possible stolen layouts or something else vague and pointless and out of character to the real Kate. He actually said not getting her fired conflicts with his sense of morality!*!*!*!*!*!*!*

Spinelli and morality? STFU Guza!!! Spindork worships at the feet of the mafia overlords of his hometown. He appointed Jason his sainthood and thinks "Stone Cold" is a hero. Spinelli has broken enough laws himself to be imprisoned for treason, terrorism, and hacking for evil galore. Yet he waxes poetic about his morality, as the mob's chief hacker?

Watch out Spinelli, you and your "morality" are about to be struck by lightning.

We're probably supposed to excuse Michael's violent hatred of women because women are so annoying and stupid and make men have headaches, at least for Guza. There is all the time in the world to be fascinated by a budding young woman-assaulter, a new Sonny. Thugs like Michael are the center of the Guzaverse.

Liz probably just wanted Lucky and Nik to stop being idiots and have a threeway with her.

In more GH tone deafness, weren't we supposed to be amused when Ethan put his greasy self all around Lucky's home? I think we were supposed to go, "How quirky," and, "He's a young Luke!"

ROFL. DNA results delivered right to your phone!

ROFL. DNA results delivered right to your phone!

Posted by: Tabby

I hear it's the latest app on Twitter: TweetNA.

Agree with the above Spindork (great name for the annoying one) Claudia justified Kate disgraced, I don't know about the rest of the viewers BUT I think the useless one is gonna get his computer handed to him ( at least I hope so) TPTB have seen the writing on the wall no one like the TWO Claudia's (SJB BAD, Lisa LC Good) they are both such bad actresses it's a shame they get paid, I think the Kate blackmailing will open some good s/l and with Megan Ward at the helm you just know the acting will be REAL. What Fun it will be to see the Spindork showen up.

How about when Michael was embarrassed because he cried "like a little bitch." Why are women on this show called bitches, sluts and whores? Why do the writers hate women so much when women are their main audience, do they think we enjoy hearing women referred to in that way?

For those of you who love the Lucky-Cam moments, check out the latest SOD which has pix of Greg Vaughan and his little 2 year old son. Fab!

Yes Greg-Jathan pics are ADORABLENESS.....as is Greg when he talks about him.

So, I didn't even watch yesterday's ep, but while surfing the cable box, I saw Michael talking to Jason and he callled himself a "little bitch." It was HILARIOUS! And a little uncomfortable that the writers allowed this kind of language. I thought GH only used the word bitch when the men were referring to women?

I giggled with shock when Michael hit Jason. Other than that, my main impression of GH was that Liz's hair is looking really nice lately. Rich color! This show is still pretty hopeless.

wait, wait. . .Does John Bolger have a storyline? Is he a regular now? Because if he is . . .dammit. . .I might have to try and watch this wretched show again.

I too found myself focused on how awesome Liz's hair was when Michael was going crazy. I also found myself mesmorized with her awesomeness when she pretty much laid out Rebecca's plan in five seconds!

I see that Alexis and Liz are the keepers of the town brains right now. So they get to be gloriously beautiful and smarter than a dead cat, to boot. Of course, this means they are not to be believed by anyone. That's the curse of not being a complete and total moron in Port Charles. When is this horrible show getting canceled?

ROTFL - Player Mayor!

I love it!

Did Claudiwhore actually say, "Johnny, I think I have a dead baby inside me" ? WTF? I mean...uh..WTF? Seriously, WTF? Really? WTF!!!!

I know she only got a hit put on her eggs by Soprano Sperm so she could have a shield to protect her from her misdeeds, given that Sonny is "The Greatest Father that Ever Lived," but couldn't she at least say, "I think I'm losing my baby" or "I think I'm having a miscarriage?" DEAD BABY? Jesus...

I'll just skip the part when Liz decided to sneer judgement on Paige and Hank Bowen for selling one of their kids with her holier-than-thou remark of how SHE'D never sell one of her kids. Uhm, lest we forget our uterus-for-hire period to Jax and Courtney, Miss-Two-Kids-By-Two-One-Night-Stands?

Yeah, even when she's right, I can't stand Liz.

"I will cut you."

Snerk. Liz, honey, I will hand you the blade.

Liz is the best. I totally love her. I am not sure why the haters always try to make a selfless act like carrying a child for someone into a negative thing. She wasn't selling her child. She was loaning her womb. That is a good thing. She clearly is the current owner of the one brain in Port Chuck.

Liz is one of the few females in Port Chuckles that doesn't make me want to throw myself in front of a bus. Plus she's mom to the best bitch-please-faced kid on daytime - or anytime - TV!

Plus I covet her hair....

Surrogacy is not black market baby selling.

However, being a surrogate for Courtney and Jax is just plain WRONG! Courtney should never reproduce, and I pray there isn't a head bopping eye shadow loving version of her returning to PC any time ever!

Liz has never been too bright when it comes to improving the balance in her checkbook.

-Surrogacy for Courtney

-Secretly taking money from Nikolas behind Lucky's back

-Taking money from Jason and never telling Lucky and making even Nikolas lie about it really coming from Jason

-After divorcing and moving out of the Spencer home she rents or buys a big furnished home with no obvious sign of new income.....HMMMM?

She needs a one on one w/ Suze Orman :-)

This show is just horrendous. I thought last year it was bad, its got zero going for it. nu michael and cristina make lulu at her brattiest entertaining.

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