In Which My DVR Is An Eloquent Soap Critic

As I mentioned on Facebook, I was completely delighted by my DVR's description of today's All My Children.

Ryan makes things worse for Kendall.

Substitute "the audience" for "Kendall" and you have a very astute commentary on the current state of the show. Even inanimate objects don't like Ryan! Is this a new trend of snarky recording devices? I eagerly look forward to episodes described with "Liza makes an incredibly stupid decision" and "David Canary continues to be too good for this show."

My dislike of Ryan is so strong that during his scenes today with North, who is most likely abusive to his wife and who is going after my favorite character on the show full throttle, Charlie's Angels 2 style, with a singular determination that is sort of obsessive, I found myself taking North's side because Ryan is terrible and makes everybody in a scene with him vastly more enjoyable.

He was practically drooling with excitement over Tad possibly seeing Annie the night of Stuart's murder which, following his pure glee over the shenanigans he and his merry troupe of schemers engaged in to help push a mentally ill woman over the edge, is icky, to say the least. I am sure there is a better way to describe Ryan, or at least a way that doesn't involve schoolyard exclamations of disgust, but that's all I've got.

I have a variety of AMC questions that I hope some of you can answer. Or perhaps we can all just lean on each other's shoulders and cry at the state of this show...

• How is it that nobody questioned the utterly bizarre circumstances of Liza's labor? Amanda, Petey, Colby, the paramedics...they were all pretty much like "Life happens and so, apparently, does birthing a child with zero sweat, hardly any blood and obviously fake screams".
• Liza has been unfathomably stupid as of late, so I am not completely surprised that her daughter is being equally stupid, although I held out hope that Adam's genes would cancel out Liza's, but apparently not, since Colby saw Liza's fake pregnancy pad and, after Liza's completely BS excuse, didn't even raise an eyebrow.
• Why on earth did Liza get to name her fake baby after Stuart? That honor should have gone to Scott, not Stuart's terrible stepdaughter/former sister-in-law.
• Is it hyperbole to describe the dead baby/Liza's baby plot as the worst idea of all time? Part of me thinks that's dramatically overstating things, but another part of me wonders if it is an understatement. Who are we supposed to be rooting for? All parties involved, save "Stuart" (I don't know if I can actually refer to this baby as Stuart without getting irritated), are behaving despicably and while David is equally despicable, he is also breaking my heart. The other day when he said, "Why am I forever burying my children?", I was overwhelmed with sadness. Ugh, this whole storyline is sick and ghoulish.
• Wasn't Tad at one point really good at talking his way out of sticky situations? You'd have never guessed that after sitting through his oh-so-zany confrontation with the cop who pulled him over, where he immediately went into HAM overdrive, babbling like there was no tomorrow. Way to not at all look like a nervous kidnapper, Tad!
• Kendall is probably under more stress than anyone in Pine Valley, and has been for the past few years, ever since the various writing staffs decided that sweeps is code for "terrible things happen to Kendall" and yet she has perfect hair, flawless skin and is distractingly pretty. How is that possible?
• Why does ABC give away all of their plots in their commercials? Perhaps it is to warn us all not to tune in, which is charitable. But seriously, the newest commercial about SPOILER BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE ABC THINKS WE SHOULD ALL KNOW ABOUT IT WEEKS IN ADVANCE Jesse covering up a murder, most likely that of North /SPOILER gives away far, far too much. I mean, I already know that what is coming up is going to suck, but I don't need to know the sucking specificity so far in advance.
• What does it say about this show that Henry and Madison North are the most intriguing characters right now?
• JR's vision of Babe yesterday made me dry heave, as did Krystal and David making out beside her grave (!!) and Marissa going to her twin's grave to be alone. Why on earth is Babe's grave the most popular hangout spot in all of Pine Valley and why the crikey fuck are the writers continuing the nonstop Babe mourning? IT HAS BEEN EIGHT MONTHS, WRITERS AND SHE WAS TERRIBLE TO BEGIN WITH. ENOUGH.

• Does anyone else feel like Emma killed Stuart? I got that feeling today during Tad's flashback and I think the theory has some merit, as it is implausible, terrible and ripped off from something Bob Guza attempted to do years ago with Michael. Totally up Pratt's alley.

Comments

[Kels]

Alas I cannot answer any of those questions for you. AMC is just a trainwreck right now.

[ande mcbeal]

I'm still hanging, on but only just barely. The Norths are the only thing worth watching. Except that nice scene by at the harbor between JR and Scott today, that was nice. Everything else, fail. I can't stand Kendall now, I thought she was obvious and stupid when she tried to get a confession out of Annie today and I'm loathe to see her "reconciliation" with Zach. I hoping against hope that North figures out a way to put Zach, Kendall and Ryan in jail. They suck.

I will also join you in pleading with The Power that Be to stop with all the Babe worship. She's dead. Can't you treat her like she a veteran actress, not name Susan Lucci and pretend she doesn't exist? For pity's sake, we can't even enjoy her death properly!

[zarathelawyer]

I also am lacking in answers.

I wasn't even tempted to watch Jake and Amanda, who I like, on You Tube because of them being caught up in the Liza's 'gives birth' 'shenanigans'. 30 seconds of that I was turning the thing off for fear of further contaminating my computer.

[Sarah]

Oh yeah, it's leaning on each other and crying time. There are no answers. This kind of horrible is just horrible. I'm passing you the Kleenex.

[TV's Tim]

•Does anyone else feel like Emma killed Stuart?

Troy McClure: This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery of who shot Mr. Burns Stuart Chandler! Then they found out it was the baby. *COUGH*

Wouldn't surprise me one bit, actually. And another murder, just what this show needs.

DEATH IN THE AFTERNOON.

[Elizabeth Kerri Mahon]

I'm surprised that Liza didn't tell Colby the pad was for her hemorrhoids. And where is Marian? I know that Stuart is dead, but don't you think she would want to be around to see her new grandchild or didn't she notice Liza was pregnant?

[realbrenda4evr]

Look on the bright side:

1) Pratt said that he was responsible for all the happenings effective May 1, so we get to bash him endlessly (yes, we've been doing that anyway, but that's neither here nor there...).

and

2) A pile of ashes from unknown origins was buried with Babe. It's kinda like pooping on her grave. So there you go!

[Kade]

Is it hyperbole to describe the dead baby/Liza's baby plot as the worst idea of all time?

Two words: unaborted fetus.

[Birdie]

Oh no, unaborted fetus wasn't as bad as Fake A Dead Baby because at least we had the pretty Colin Egglesfield.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

"Kendall is probably under more stress than anyone in Pine Valley, and has been for the past few years, ever since the various writing staffs decided that sweeps is code for 'terrible things happen to Kendall' and yet she has perfect hair, flawless skin and is distractingly pretty. How is that possible?"

Because she is the daughter of Erica Kane, bitches! Kane women don't let a little thing like a murder wrap and sick child get in the way of their beauty regimen.

[Kerry]

I completely agree about Emma, been feelin' that was the case for a while now. Ugh.