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« A Never Ending Parade of Stupid | Main | In Which My DVR Is An Eloquent Soap Critic »

June 29, 2009

We Should Petition To Change The Name of Port Charles To Dullsville

Nikolas: Honestly, who writes this stuff?

Oh, Nik. That question weighs heavily on my soul on a daily basis. My theory is cyborgs. It has to be cyborgs, right? That would go a long way in explaining General Hospital's complete lack of logic and emotion.

(Nice shot at horror movie writers, by the way. Sure, movies like Pumpkinhead and Slumber Party Massacreare terrible but I have to tell you, Jason Voorhees came back from the dead, like, eighteen times and none of those resurrections were as awful and insulting as that of Diego Alcazar)


So Mayor Floyd was arrested for the murder of his mistress despite, as far as I can tell, the police never actually, like, investigating the crime and the big story of the day was that...he had a one night stand with Alexis? And people are calling for her to resign? This show has never been particularly good at portraying the media (remember when Sam was basically a bystander during the Metro Court crisis and she got a show and was hilariously famous? The paparazzi followed Jason! I hated those days when I was living them, but now I long for them), but this is silly, even for them.

Especially because, as Alexis pointed out to a hilariously uncomfortable Patrick:

Alexis: It was one night. It wasn't an affair. It was one night. And it was the night that I just happened to walk in on my husband having sex with my daughter and found out that I had cancer, so I was a little out of sorts, and apparently stupid.

Yeah. Remember when Alexis was heartbroken, despondent, hacking up her lung and weeks away from a coma? She totally had time to have sex with the mayor! Which means that all of those times that Ric tried to deflect attention off of himself and his terrible decision to have sex with his stepdaughter by hysterically accusing Alexis of having a fling with the mayor, he was actually right. Yay for character ruining rewrites!

And yay for daughters calling their mothers sluts!

Kristina: As we speak, the entire world is finding out my mother's a slut. Let's be real here. My mother has three daughters by three different men. Nobody even knows who Sam's dad is, so obviously she sleeps around.


1.) We're never going to find out who Sam's dad is, are we?

2.) Your father has had children with, like, six different women. Well, maybe she didn't call him a slut because not even that word accurately describes the magnitude of sleaze and penis wandering that goes on in Sonny's life.

I did kind of appreciate that Kristina's biggest concern is that her friends are going to find out, because that's a completely normal teenage reaction, much like Michael's general wretchedness. Is it fun to watch? No. But it is literally the only part of this show that is in any way realistic.

Like, in the unrealistic column are her comments about Carly.

Kristina: Carly may be overprotective and annoying but at least she's honest. She owns who she is and doesn't pretend to be something better.

Yes, Caroline Benson of the ever changing personalities, paternity lies, random lies, affairs and general moral bankruptcy does honestly own who she is. Right.


Maxie: You're right. The first two times ended up a hot mess. Not the sex -- that was good.

Spinelli: You really think so?

Maxie: You have no idea how incredible you are.



Can somebody explain to me why Wyndemere was plagued with thunder and lightning, but the rest of Port Charles had normal weather? See, this is the downside of cyborg writing staffs, they don't have a firm grasp on earth weather patterns.


I continue to have a problem with the Lucky/Lulu/Ethan dynamic. I don't understand why Lulu is such a "Rah-rah, my dad has an illegitimate child! Huzzah!" cheerleader. And I don't understand why Ethan refuses to entertain, even for a second, the possibility that Lucky's issues with Luke are reasonable and that Luke is maybe not perfect. And I don't understand why Lucky is always second best and is not one of the show's leading men.

Ethan: See, that's the problem. You see any similarities to Luke as a bad thing. Which baffles me, because from what I understand, Luke was closer to you than anyone. I don't understand what could have caused such a drastic change.

Well, then maybe you should ask what caused such a drastic change (spoiler: it involves Luke having raped Lucky's mother and also Lucky being kidnapped and brainwashed which, as we all know, was totes hilarious in hindsight) instead of being a condescending dickhead lecturing your new half brother about things you don't know shit about. AND WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR, DUDE. 


It's strange days indeed when Jason Morgan is the undisputed highlight of the show, but it's true. This does not happen often.

Jason: You know, with everything that's happened with Michael being shot, him being lost to us all that time, and now having him back, it's really forced me to think. And to really rethink. You know, Michael says that makes me a hypocrite. Maybe it does, I don't really know. But since my accident, I know that I pushed you away. And I made it very clear that I wanted nothing to do with you. And it might be too late. But I was wrong. And Michael needs you. He needs a place to live that's not tainted by the life I put him in.

Edward: You need that, too, son.

Jason: No, it's too late for me. All the things I've done, it's going to catch up to me. But I don't want to bring trouble and retaliation to the doorstep of the people I care about. I really need this place to be a safe haven for Michael.

Jason: I know that things have been bad between us. I just want to say that a lot of it is my fault. I could never see things from your point of view. And now I can see in a way that i could never see before. All your actions, even if they were wrong, even if i hated them -- it was all done out of love.

Monica: Well, that's michael making you understand. When you love a child, you all of a sudden realize just why parents do the things they do.

Jason: All that love you tried to give me that i didn't take, can you -- can you give it to michael? Can you just give him everything i wouldn't accept from you?

Edward: It's what we've always wanted.

I have wanted this scene for a very, very long time. Of course, when I first started wishing for it, my fantasies included Stuart Damon and a more emotive Leslie Charleson, but I'll take what I can get, especially since Steve Burton actually ACTED and John Ingle was characteristically delightful. So, you know, at least there was that. At least there was Jason. I...am not used to typing that sentence.


Wow. WOW. Does anyone have a YouTube (or other) link to video of the Jason/Monica/Edward scene?

Not crazy about the Alexis rewrite. Love your "penis wandering" comment. Not looking forward to where they're taking Kristina or Michael. Couldn't they have done a little more for Ric/Rick's exit? Like a scene with his daughter?

Love your comments about the Lucky/Ethan storyline. Ethan knows nothing about Luke or the Luke/Lucky history so what gives him the right to bash Lucky. Maybe TIIC can send him back to Australia and we can pretend this crap and awful rewrite of history never happened.

Mallory unsurprisingly I'm with you on the confusion thing. I was WTF-ing over lulu deciding Cameron and Jake needed to meet Teethy in the first place, let alone that when that happened was her choice. and then today....I pray that one day Lucky just snaps one day and goes "You know when I decided to not be like Luke? I'm pretty sure it was the day I found out the man I wanted to be just like raped my mother because it was a bad night. Possibly. Call me crazy for not wanting to have a bad night and do that."

But since we aren't supposed to remember that and clearly we arent' supposed to be on Lucky's side..that will probably happen when they try to write that Lucky hired Helena to kidnap Luke.

I just don't get the retconning of Alexis's reaction to Ric/Sam...I mean unless they are saying it took place during a commerical break......and that the Playa Mayor wasn't that good....

As much as I too wanted that Jason/Q scene...I have to be honest here (and if not here where else?)...I am so over Jason all I could think was if he really didn't want to put the people he cares about in danger anymore...he can fake his death and leave town. Problem solved.

so...you made me think (note i have watched 3 episodes since last fall).
1) scene where liz/nic kiss at the bar
2) ric leaving (gh sucks)
and 3) today's episode...

sonny: who is more than a slut's kids:
1) lily's dead baby - bomb
2) carly's dead baby - stairs
3) kristina - alex
4) dominic/dante - olivia
5) morgan - carly
6) michael - stolen from AJ
7) sam's dead baby - plot point

Technically the magic penis didn't create michael, it just stole him. Did i miss any?

I really wanted Jason to say what he said to the Q's for HIS son not Sonny's. UGH!

I have heard rumors that Sam and Dante were friendly prior to his arriving - please god no. That would mean she was with Sonny and his brother and son and Sonny was with her mother. CAN we say gross?

oh my gosh. you had me laughing all the way through until you described the jason/edward/monica scenes at which point my eyes immediately filled with tears. i shall definitely try to catch these scenes on youtube.

as for the rest of this show - gah. GH redefines the word "suck" on a daily basis.

I'm so tired of Ethan and his "Luke is the greatest thing since sliced bread" storyline as well. Like you said, he doesn't know what went on and he should leave it alone. And he definitely NEEDS to wash his hair! That kid's so grimey! And don't you just love that Lulu never thought twice about kissing her brother? Disgusting.

And as soon as I heard Alexis admit to a one night stand with the mayor, I was so mad. Ric accusing Alexis of that a few years ago was bad enough and now that it was actually true grosses me out. Not that Alexis couldn't have a one night stand because she has before, (i.e. Sonny) but I just didn't see that coming. But then again this is GH we're talking about.

Perfect post Mallory. You and Becca are like Soap Opera Viewer Healers :-) Your blog is the aloe to our sunburn, the aspirin to our headache, and in GH terms.... the penicillin to our VD!

I'm fully aware that in Guzaland the PCPD are largely invisible hapless morons and that mob thugs are called soldiers. PC Lawyers may be witty, but the cases they take on are beyond ridiculous. And PC doctors may be "brilliant", but next to nothing true about illness or medicine exists in PC. And PC master mob enforcers who bring endless crime, pain, and violence to town are also sainted heroes. I KNOW ALL THAT.

BUT, it still makes my skin crawl when that vile amoral assbackward stance is portrayed in EVERY aspect of this show. Twice in the last two weeks I was incensed by this show's stance on police. And let's not even start with how they portray REAL soldiers.

#1 Jackass Michael went for Jason's jugular when he accused him of being so despicable he might as well just be a cop. And true to Guza rules Jason's usual blank expressionless borg face emoted actual disgust. To Jason, Michael's insult was so disturbing and utterly inconceivable it forced him to make a facial expression. And that expression was disgust?!?! It was as if Michael suggested that Jason set fire to his penis and dance the mambo naked around the GH hub. Because that would be better than being a cop.

#2 Slimy unwashed ghoul Teethan scoffed and mocked Lucky's choice of profession. And did so in front of Lucky's baby sister and his wife. Neither of these women batted an eye because they both prefer mobsters like Jason and Logan and Johnny above men like Lucky who are in law enforcement. Even poor sad sexy Lucky didn't defend himself. He knows not to bother, in PC he's the bad guy for choosing a career dedicated to protecting his community and sending criminals to prison.

Seeing SB actually act well and in his real character today was both wonderful and depressing. Because it reminded me of who Jason once was on a regular basis many moons ago when he was written for by talented writers who actually knew and appreciated GH. Plus JI was amazing and I miss him. Edward now is just a screeching jobless old guy who praises Carly. The real Edward came out for a minute today, now if he could only go back to ELQ and spar w/ Tracy. Alas, this was just a blip, an anomaly. Awesome writer goes back into the cave and the regular shitty GH returns tomorrow with a vengeance. Now I'm sad again.

Maybe Alexis just needs Luke to return to town to let her know that cheating is a-okay and doesn't mean that you aren't madly in love with the person you are married to at the time of said cheating.


Words cannot express my utter disgust with this re-write for Alexis. There were 2 women on the show who hadn't cheated, Robin & Alexis, and within the last few months we've gotten so "lucky" as to end that obviously horrid oversight. Thank you, Mr. Guza. Or perhaps what I really mean is **** you, Mr. Guza.

Okay, I'm probably the only one...but, I'm annoyed they couldn't have shown the Mayor affair when it happened. Alexis is as immature and silly as the rest of them, and this is still a soap. She is attracted to creeps, and John Bolenger actually came off as a little sexy in that comfort scene. I would have also liked to see that showdown with Ric. Dude cheated twice, he deserved having it thrown in his face. But, Alexis is so passive-aggressive!

I have more fun reading this blog than watching the actual show. I don't know why I keep watching except in the hope that Guza gets canned and the show somehow miraculously gets better. I don't think the show has ever been this bad, with so many completely unlikable characters. I almost long for the days of Casey the Alien.

I really wish that they would have Jason soften a little more and call Monica "Mom." We've seen him sort of make up with the Q's several times, and then he goes back to being mostly annoyed by them. When Alan died Jason was so remorseful I thought finally he'd come around, but then again there are hardly any Q's left for him to interact with, so I guess the writers can't be bothered.

The Jason & the Q's scene was the best part of the episode for all the reasons you mentioned. Although I also enjoyed Liz's open loathing of Rebecca, and I wish more characters would start sharing it.

marion, if you haven't seen them yet, here is a YouTube clip with the Quartermaine scenes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2_oDbHNZxw

I love Liz's Rebecca hatred too, jennyp and I hope other people start hating her as well. I could kind of deal with Rebecca airtime if it included anger and public mocking.

"At least there was Jason."


I...don't even know how to react to that line and therefore, my response is limited to question marks and exclamation points.

With the addition of Sonny's new son, Dante, I was thinking they should change the name of the show to "All Sonny's Children".

Actually, Mallory, wouldn't cyborgs make MORE logical stories? Though, frankly, trained amoebae could make more logical stories.

Totally agree with everything you said. The dialogue is just so WTF lately. When did Maxie go from loving Spin as a friend to being attracted to him? I may have missed that episode. And didn't she admit to Jason that sex with Spin wasn't very good?

And there are holes in all the stories, but especially in this story with the Mayor. You pointed out that the police are not even investigating it and they are relying on Spin's PI manual to give them answers. And then they wonder why the ratings continue to fall.

Seeing how I have waited for Jason to say those things to his family for a long time, you'd think I would have enjoyed it more, but I am just over Jason and it would take a whole lot more of him apologizing to not only the Qs but also Robin and AJ (yeah, I know he's dead) before I could even begin to think about feeling any sort of empathy for him again. At this point, I'm just all out of empathy for Jason. Actually, I'm out of empathy for Jason, Carly and Sonny.

The show is so bad, I'm being to wonder why I even bother to watch youtube clips of it anymore....

I am determined, DETERMINED to work "penis wandering" into a conversation.

Yay for a Quartermaine scene!

I like that Wyndemere has it's own weather. Maybe they've resurrected the old Cassadine weather machine.

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