Serial Drama

Completely Confusing Contrived Conundrums

The above is an apt description of the crap masquerading as General Hospital storylines on a good day; on a bad day, the show's hastily written and poorly planned plot points (today is an alliteration kind of day) defy reason so epically that sitting through a full episode feels like a cruel punishment. This week was filled with the latter.

But we all survived (I'm assuming so; if anyone has heard of GH related fatalities, please let me know and we can take up a collection for the victim's families) and, as a reward, I present to you, the only fun thing to be associated with GH in eons: a Jumble!

Use the clues to unscramble the letters below them. Use the underlined letter from each to answer the last question. Laugh derisively when you reflect upon the fact that such word games are far too complex for the GH writing staff.

Hometown of Sonny Corinthos and Olivia Falconeri mentioned upwards of 78 times per week. Repeated mentions of said hometown are intended to be shorthand for the great connection these two characters have to one another (so great, in fact, that they would cast aside their fiancée and hot boy, respectively, in order to make eyes at one another.  And the eyes are predatory and uncomfortable, respectively), since the writers cannot actually be involved to build this connection into a story organically.

HNRSTOUSNBE

What A Drag It Is Getting Old in Pine Valley

I had a long, involved, hypothetical scenario of a future soap world and the new generation of soap viewers will pick up the terrible habit of watching the non-One Life to Live ABC soaps and notice something strange about the shows' characters.

"Why," I imagined them asking, "aren't there any old people on these shows? Are soap characters euthanized after the age of 45? What is going on?" I also imagined them wondering why Sonny Corinthos is the network's lone computer animated character, and learning that ABC Daytime was loathe to let go of their most romantic and heroic romantic hero, but they couldn't bear to have someone oldon the show, so they used the money they would have saved by getting rid of all of the non-mobbed up characters to bring us a CGI Sonny. "If they were going to go to all of that effort," the new viewer would muse, "why couldn't they hire an editor to splice his stammerings together into coherent sentences?"

But then I remembered that the future is almost definitely going to be soapless, rendering all of the above completely moot. You totally know that the thought of a soap world completely free of old people just put a huge smile on the face of Brian Frons, though.

The blatant contempt that AMC and GH have for most of their veteran actors and characters is so over-the-top that it's impossible not to notice. I will admit that AMC is slightly better than GH in this regard, as the former nearly always features Susan Lucci and David Canary in frontburner stories (whether those stories are worthy of even being filmed is a matter of debate), and the latter would rather douse itself in gasoline than do the same. But that's kind of like saying that "Riders on the Storm" is a better song than "What's Up?"--yes, it IS true because nothing can be worse than "What's Up", but that doesn't mean that "Riders on the Storm" isn't terrible in myriad ways.

What has me so heated about veteran characters? Well, I came across an AMC SPOILER that reminded me that there are no limits to how terrible this show is. After the jump, discussion of said spoiler, so don't click if you are trying to remain blissfully ignorant of what's to come.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

The economic recession has hit the soap world. Major stars are being fired or forced to take pay cuts, sets are being consolidated and now, in what appears to be the latest cost-cutting measure, soaps are even sharing storylines. Right? Both ALL MY CHILDREN and GENERAL HOSPITAL have simultaneously introduced twin sisters of now-dead characters who were sold at birth. I have to assume that the writers went to the Soap Opera Cliche Factory and decided to split the cost of the cheapest one available.

Krystal Carey selling one of her children at birth is not at all surprising to me; after all, she uses every child she comes into contact with as currency. The woman sees babies as meal tickets, not tiny humans. What IS surprising is that AMC felt we needed a replacement Babe on canvas so quickly. I was downright gleeful when she was written off the show, though my joy was short-lived, as she was eulogized on a daily basis for moths afterward. I'm reasonably sure that if you added up all of the times the show mentioned her, she'd still probably have the highest episode count of all AMC characters. The writers have decided to compound this Babe overload by introducing her twin. And having every conversation about her twin mention Babe in some way. And set up a romance between her twin and JR, Babe's ex-husband. The only thing saving this story so far is the introduction of Brittany Allen (Marissa), a fantastic actress who has great chemistry with virtually every character in Pine Valley. And Marissa is markedly less awful than her sister, although she does share Babe's self-righteous streak: I can't help but be annoyed when she lectures people about their hatred of David. Sure, parental devotion is nice and all, but maybe she should check out dear old dad's criminal rap sheet before she starts defending him.

Soap Blog Coalition

Passions villain Phillip Jeanmarie talks Workshop The Series, gay firsts and James Reilly with Daytime Confidential's Jamey Giddens. (Daytime Confidential)

Poor Annie...she's been accused, threatened, framed. And Kendall, she's so mixed up at this point she thinks she really did kill Stuart. Revisit a the PVB "Who killed Stuart" poll and tell us who you think it is, if you even care anymore! (Pine Valley Bulletin)

Save the Date - October 15th at 6pm! This year the annual 'Love Out Loud' POZ charity event for AIDS Walk LA will be held at Hollywood's current "it" spot h.wood. Check out who's already on the list and stay tuned for more announcements. (Scrubs Hub)

The Serial Drama girls have come to realize that Bob Guza and Charles Pratt are trying their hardest to write the most depressing shows on television. (Serial Drama)

It's Soap Opera 101, every soaps chick certainly needs a supply of DNA Collection kits, a pregnancy pillow and of course a fake preggers false results testing kit, but they all need their cover girl bag of cosmetic tricks. (Soap Opera Examiner)

ATI president of Worldwide Media and Entertainment Jim Romanovich spoke with We Love Soaps about this year's Daytime Emmy telecast airing on August 30 on The CW. (We Love Soaps)

The Wubqueen dusts off her Wub-Writing and delivers her parody: Part One of the Karaoke WUB..catch the "guest star" at the end. (Wubs)

It Can't All Be Praise

It goes without saying that the worst, most offensive episode of The Young & The Restless is still the kind of quality that the non-Y&R soaps aspire and that, for the most part, cartoon hearts still flutter around my head when I'm watching, and I bat my eyelashes coquettishly at my television when "Nadia's Theme" comes on.

But my love is not blind, and I've spent this week irritated (Nick/Sharon/Jack/Phyllis Round 934238. My eyes hurt from rolling them), confused (how is it, again, that "Chance" was born onscreen in 1988, and Billy was born onscreen in 1993 and now, in 2009, Billy is older than Chance? To say nothing of the fact that each character's age is vague and murky thanks to SORASing) and downright angry (Lily's life continues to be terrible: Cane has lied to her for years, and she can't have children. When he comes into her hospital room, she immediately apologizes to him about not being able to have children. That is downright Guzian).

Today's episode, in particular, was irksome. I am sure that at least part of my hypercriticism is a bad mood caused by wretched humidity, but also...it was an annoying episode, wasn't it? A recap of sorts follows. Actual lines of dialogue are italicized, but even my exaggerations aren't THAT exaggerated...

DANIEL: I never want to see Amber again. She cheated on me! I wish there had been some sort of warning sign about her. Nothing in her history hints at this kind of behavior.

JANA: I can't believe she would cheat on you again after the last time she cheated on you.
DANIEL: Yeah, well, she did, and she sucks. Literally AND figuratively. Yeah, I went there.
KEVIN: You know, she mentioned something about a dilemma that may ruin your relationship and break your heart. I didn't think much of it at the time, but since it's Amber, I probably should have assumed it had something to do with either sex, or larceny. My bad, bro.
JANA: But think of Amber! Poor tragic Amber, with her poor tragic life. She's the victim in all of this.
DANIEL: You cannot be serious.
JANA: She loves you! She did this because she was desperate and crazy with love.

DANIEL: ...are you for real?
JANA: Love!
KEVIN: Yeah, this is probably just some misunderstanding.
DANIEL: Yeah, well, I think I'd rather rot in this place than be with someone who's gonna stab me in the back.
KEVIN: Wow, dude, even I think that's a drama queen thing to say.

All I Have Left Are My Lists

Oh...my god.

Claudia:  You think I deserve this, don’t you?
Johnny:  You know that’s not true.
Claudia:  No, you think that this is karma, because I’m responsible for Michael getting shot.
Johnny:  I’m just saying both situations were accidents.
Claudia:  No John, you’re saying this is justice, you’re saying that I’m getting what I deserve because I put the hit out on Sonny and Michael got shot instead.
Johnny:  You’re putting words in my mouth.
Claudia:  I don’t think I am.  I’m allowed to be angry, Johnny.
Johnny:  Not saying that you’re not.
Claudia:  I mean, when this night started, it doesn’t matter who was behind the wheel, Sonny and I had a baby and now we don’t.  Someone’s gonna pay for that.
Johnny:  Michael already paid, Claudia.  He paid with a year of his life because of what we did to him.  Now he’s gone and turned himself into the cops for running you off –
Claudia:  So what!  So what!  I’m supposed to feel sorry for Michael?  He killed my son.
Johnny:  Again, it was an accident.  And if you can’t find any compassion for Michael, just know that he has been punished enough already.
Claudia:  You never wanted me to have this baby to begin with.
Johnny:  I never wanted you to get hurt.  I never wanted you to marry a man who wasn’t going to love you genuinely.  And I’m not saying that everybody’s even now, but I am saying it’s over.  Your baby is gone.  And now the truth about that shooting is going to come out.  It’s bound to.  And there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Things I Find Less Disgusting Than Claudia Zacchara:

• jumpsuits
• Baconnaise
• reality dating shows
• Sonny
• clear heels
• some wars
• Ed Hardy clothing
• Limo Sex
• what I had to scoop into a plastic bag in the park the day after my dog broke into the pantry and ate 14 protein bars

Feel free to add your own entries in the comments.  And though you'll be tempted, please don't add on threats of physical harm to the GH writers.  I'm pretty sure we're already on an FBI watch list thanks to our e-stalking of devotion to Jason Thompson and James Scott.

Watch Out Victor: Vivian Is Back In Town

According to our lovely part-time employers:

Another Alamain Back To DAYS!
It's official: Soap Opera Digest can confirm that Louise Sorel (Vivian) is returning to Salem in the fall. Look for her to hit town in late September. As previously reported, Crystal Chappell (Carly) is also coming back to the show.

Mallory could not report this news because she said "eeeeeeee!!!!!" so loud she popped a blood vessel.

As for me, I think Louise Sorel is awesome, but Vivian is from an era of Days that isn't my favorite. Though at this point they could bring back every character who ever irritated me, all at once, if it meant a little forward story movement and less screentime for all these snooze-worthy couples.  We shall see.

Where "ABCD" Stands for "Always Babies & Children in Danger"

A word to the wise: never tune into the non-One Life to Live ABC soaps when you're feeling any less than one hundred percent thrilled with life, because the sheer scope of tragedy and suffering on All My Children and General Hospital will cause anybody to contemplate slitting their wrists. Of course, a quicker word to the wise would be "Never tune into the non-One Life to Live ABC soaps", period.

Today, for example, AMC and GH brought us the following:

• Two (2) miscarriages
• One (1) child so traumatized by being interrogated about witnessing a murder that she becomes near catatonic
• Two (2) toddlers who, thanks to the buffoonery and poorly thought out plans of their parents, could wind up orphans (or, worse, raised by Ryan) when their parents are eventually incarcerated
• One (1) teenager berated by his father for his part in a car accident

How delightfully entertaining, right? I really want Bob Guza and Charles Pratt to donate their brains to science.

History Whitewashing Itself

This week marked the first time that Sonny has spoken to Claudia with...well, it's not respect, exactly, but he dialed back the searing hatred and was no more dismissive of her than he is of anyone. Naturally, this about face was the result of Claudia proving her value to society. Well, the society of Sonny, which means that said value consists solely of being pregnant with his child, not Ric's. 

As it's not uncommon to spend the first few days of a new love staring at the world through rose-colored glasses and dreamily reminiscing about the adorable way you and your new love met, it's unsurprising that Sonny has started to view his marriage in a whole new light. Just substitute "the first few days of a new love" with "the first few hours of speaking to your wife without simultaneously fantasizing about her gruesome murder" and that explains this:

Sonny: Ok. [Sighs] Uh, first of all, you know what? I just want to... I want to apologize, 'cause I know I've been hard on you and all that. Uh... whatever we've done together, it's, you know, we've made this baby. And I can see, you know, that you--how much you love our baby, and I respect the decision you made tonight. And you're thinking like a mother, and i think you're going to be a great mother [I will sum up the preceding lines with "sic" and an eyeroll--Ed.].

Claudia: Thank you, Sonny.

Sonny: You're putting yourself on the line for this baby, and, uh...when you get through this operation... we're going to give this baby a great life...together.

I'm going to ignore the "made this baby" phrase, because that sentence always gives me the heebies, and focus on the "I've been hard on you and all that". And not even the maddening vagueness of the "and all that" part (I guess love means never having to detail the myriad ways in which you demeaned and made threats against the life of another person), but the "I've been hard on you". That's an awfully sanitary way of describing his behavior. Detailing this behavior would undoubtedly take weeks, so let's just sum it up with four key quotes:

Behavior #1: Mocking disrespect

Claudia:  No, but you need somebody.  You're going to need an ally.  You need someone who's loyal, who's not afraid to disagree with you.  Someone that you respect.  Someone you trust.
Sonny:  ::laughs mockingly::  Okay.  Okay.

Behavior #2: Vomit inducing focus on Claudia as a sex object

Sonny: Ok, but don't take long, ok? Because I need it right now.

Behavior #3: Hatred masquerading as foreplay

Claudia:  Maybe if you were as possessive of me --

Sonny: Why would I be possessive when I don't trust you, and I don't really like you? So why would I be possessive?

Behavior #4: Actively thinking about her death

Sonny: My wife is a miserable, lying witch, and the only reason I haven't dumped her or had her shot is because she could be carrying my baby.

I know that honestly recounting the history of Claudia and Sonny or, as I like to call them, Sociopaths on Parade, is a little too dark and depressing to do in the hospital while Claudia's life, and that of their child, is in danger, and I also know that expecting self awareness from Sonny is like expecting good writing from the GH writing staff (in other words, haha, it's never going to happen) but come on!

This, meanwhile, is just gross:

Sonny: You know what, Johnny? I'm not proud of the way I treated your sister, but she gave as good as she got. But there's one thing we agree on, and that's the baby.

Johnny: The baby, huh? Were you thinking about Claudia and the baby when you were shoving your tongue down Olivia's throat?

Sonny: No, there was other things I was thinking about, and I'm not getting into it with you.

I admit that I sort of want to know what "other things" he was thinking about (his past with Olivia? The way that it was totally her fault that he got together with Kate? Banking? Who he wants to win Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy at this year's Emmys, Neil Patrick Harris or Tracy Morgan? Was he trying valiantly to remember the name of his daughter, who I imagine he refers to as Whatsherface?), but I also want to spork out my eyeballs.

Sonny: The...the baby has my genes, your genes. So that means he's the ultimate survivor.

No, Sonny, all that means is that your child's DNA is pretty much a playground for psychopathic tendencies and, should he survive, there is no way he will go through life without being a serial killer.

Our Column in the 7/28 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Our latest My Take/My Take, Too column is in the newest issue of Soap Opera Digest, which is on newsstands now. Mallory questions the wisdom in two ABC soaps featuring the same "A popular character died. Don't despair, though: her unknown twin, who was sold at birth, is now in town romancing her love interest!" story at the same time. Her biggest query, as ever, is...how does anyone, anywhere, find this entertaining?  Meanwhile, Becca worries that Days of Our Lives and its penchant for slow-moving stories and poorly paced romances will botch the returns of the ever-awesome Wally Kurth and Crystal Chappell.