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« Tainted Love | Main | Soap Blog Coalition »

July 21, 2009

Anatomy of a Convoluted "Storyline"

Even though "so a pregnant mess, pregnant harridan, brain-damaged teenager with poor impulse control, and tightly-wound heartbroken teenager converge on a winding road at night" sounds like the setup for a sick joke, it is, instead, the setup for the latest shocking Port Charles event that will change EVERYTHING which...yeah, is pretty close to being a sick joke, actually.

In fairness to the writers, I'm sure it must be difficult to think of new and exciting stories that conform to the rigid standards required by the GH powers-that-be, namely that all major storylines include

  • Sonny, Jason, Carly, Claudia and the show's flavor(s) of the month in prominent roles
  • violence against women OR a pregnant woman in peril
  • People acting in completely irrational ways so as to best involve themselves in said storyline

but hell's bells, this latest "storyline" is ridiculously contrived.

First, there's Carly. She has a high-risk pregnancy, as you may have heard (you certainly would have heard if you pay attention to all of Jax's dialogue. Although the writing for Jax this decade has been so poor that I wouldn't blame you for not paying attention to any of his dialogue), and she's under a lot of stress, what with her eldest son being a complete monster who ruins everything, including audience goodwill.

So her adorable younger son calls her and says that he lost his St. Christopher medal, a gift from Sonny, somewhere in the woods. She, for some reason, interprets "somewhere in the woods" as "the side of the road" and heads out to look for the tiny trinket with the aid of a flashlight. Because she couldn't very well tell Morgan, the more mature and rational of her sons, that looking for the medal couldn't wait until the morning? What the hell? I can see not wanting to tell Michael that, because he'd fly off the handle and, like, try to kill someone (both iterations of Michael would have that spoiled reaction), but Morgan is calm and adorable. Of course, logic has no place here. How else would Carly get herself involved in this story?! And don't say anything like "Well, maybe the writers should have organically built her into this plot" because that is just downright lunacy.


Naturally, Claudia + Fetus + Confirmation That Sonny Is The Father + Anything Besides 24/7 Bedrest = Miscarriage. We all knew that a miscarriage was coming, since this show can't help themselves when it comes to causing female characters pain, and since Carly, Claudia and their babies survived the trip down the stairs at General Hospital, it was only a matter of time before one (or, regrettably, both) had an accident that led to a miscarriage.

And you know that the writers were completely loving the juxtaposition of Claudia's glee over telling Ric that he is not the father of her child with the eventual pain she will feel.

I think my biggest "I'm so sure" moment for Claudia in this story is that she wouldn't immediately call Sonny and tell him the news. I know she said she wanted to do it in person, but please. Desperation oozes out of this woman's pores. She'd call.

Or would give up on the idea of driving and just run, literally, to Sonny telling him about the paternity test results. Or, actually, running to Olivia's first to rub it in her face, either in person or with a skywriter and THEN sprinting over to Sonny's to fill him in, while texting Ric "sux 2 b u! ur not the dad. ps: diaf".


Then we have Michael (Flavor Of The Month #1) and his temporary driver's license, who is speeding over to, I guess, help Carly look for Morgan's ridiculous medal. Even though Michael left the Quartermaine's BEFORE Carly while she stuck around, calmed down and had a water, he still didn't make it to the woods before she did, which is weird. I guess he took the long way and then got stuck in traffic on Buy These Asses A Dictionary So They Can Look Up Continuity Lane.

And then he was unfortunate enough to have a jerk tailgating him, which set off his rage! This poor child cannot catch a break, can he? The world knows he has a terrible temper, and yet he keeps being taunted with SUVs tailgating him, and people referring to him as Coma Boy (worst insult ever, by the way. "Haha, you were in a coma!"). Naturally, he'd maybe cause an accident. Luckily for him, he has Jason, who is willing to do whatever it takes to cover up his possible crime. And he also has Edward, who takes "over indulgent" to a new level. So at least things are working out for him, if not the audience.


Lastly, we have Kristina who, despite being Alexis's daughter, has been given a good amount of screentime (thereby making her Flavor Of The Month #2, which is shocking. I didn't think that any non-Sam person related to Alexis in any way would play a big part in a frontburner storyline). She is also being given the latest in a long string of terrible Very Special Issue storylines. Oh, I can't wait to see how GH handles a domestic violence situation. No, seriously, I can't wait to see how the show explains that Kiefer is abusive but Sonny is a romantic hero when both of them try to pressure uncomfortable women into having sex with them.

Kiefer, who gave Michael the clever Coma Boy nickname, hit Kristina for being a tease; he then apologized, but immediately tried to pressure her into having sex, and when she said no, he got angry and then stormed off into the arms of a random blonde who accompanied him to a party. That rings false to me; shouldn't we have Kiefer begging for forgiveness? It's like these writers have never even seen a Lifetime movie or Party of Five before. Anyway, the party-going with the random blonde caused Kristina to flip out and get behind the wheel of her nanny's hybrid in tears, possibly causing Claudia's accident.

(Hilarious how Sonny's spawn could possibly be responsible for the death of Sonny's spawn, isn't it?!?!Almost as amazing as the time Sonny's spawn held Sonny's spawn at gunpoint. Kill me now, seriously).

Kristina then called Kiefer to help her get out of this sticky situation, and now she is living with a big secret that causes her to walk around with an obvious look of guilt plastered across her face and to jump ten full feet in the air at the very mention of the word car. Because she has the gift of sight, Sam realizes that something is up (she's not a PI/Everyday Hero/Grifter for nothing!). Alexis, however, is clueless. SIGH. Don't you love stories where Alexis looks like a complete fool?


Sometimes I wish that they would just stop pretending that this is even a soap opera and just have the actors narrate the exposition necessary to get their characters in certain situations. Like, just have Laura Wright say, "I'm going to hang out by the side of the road because I am contractually obligated to be involved in everything on this show". Or have Drew Garrett say, "I'm going to drive now because I have been onscreen every day for the past two months and we don't want to ruin that streak now, do we?" Lame and un-soapy? Yes. But no more so than what we are stuck with.


and yet in the end...none of them will be responsible.....because the real driver of the car that hit claudia will be...


wake me when he shows up again.

Maybe Georgie from the dead could have hit

Just kidding. They wouldn't bring a realistic character back!

All I know is that if they have a scene with Sonny in the GH chapel, praying for the life of his wife and unborn baby, I will poison myself.

I think I'm about ready for GH to die. You think that it won't get worse and it always does. Why is GL the one that's cancelled again?

Am I the only one that's wondering where the hell the guards were through all this? We kept getting beat over the head day after day by Jason and Sonny to Elizabeth and Kate that their lives were too dangerous, that's why they can't be with them. But alas, Kristina, Michael, Carly, and Claudia are either walking around or driving around without one guard in site. But just think we had two guards to intimidate the big bad country club manager. Also, am I the only one that noticed that the play by play by the different characters did not support what was shown on screen. I saw a two lane road where on one side was the mountains and on the other side was a cliff but yet we had Michael talking about a car cutting him off, Carly saying she was in her driveway, and Kristina, Michael, and Claudia all getting hit with the high beams at the same time yet Kristina was never behind Michael or vice versa or Michael/Kristina was never behind Claudia or vice versa.

GH is a mess, sloppy and convoluted storylines? Danger, Danger, where are you Mr. Danger! Where are the GUARDS? Why are Sonny's women folk and spawns allowed to run around PC without any protection?

The only thing more painful for me than watching what is currently unfolding is contemplating the ways in which the writers can and will butcher the subsequent events in these storylines.

By the way, if I'm not mistaken, Michael told Jason he had been heading to Jake's when he crashed. So, what - he wasn't planning to meet up with Carly? He was heading back to a venue which he has no legal right to frequent? Of course Sonny also said he'd meet Carly and instead decided to stop off at Olivia's to lunge at her. Sigh. This show makes my head hurt.

Oy, it's so bad, so dumb, so annoying, and so insulting, it's SO GH.

Didn't you create a word for this, I think it was GLURG?

I concur, glurg it is.

I know that it's soo obvious that it's probably not worth pointing out but how about the fact that Keifer's name is "Keifer Bauer". I had to laugh at that one!
Just when you thought GH's levels of creativity had hit new heights they blow you away with that little jem. haha

Also, wasn't it hilarious when Sonny and his henchman went and made the country club manager afraid for his life and the life of his wife's horse? They should've underscored that with wacky music to make sure we knew it was HILARIOUS! (Oh wait.) I mean as Sonny says, you have to pick your battles, and Michael was clearly provoked into starting a fist fight with Kiefer since Kiefer called him Coma Boy and also mentioned that his dad is a gangster (odd thing to set off Michael since he brags about it). So that country club dude was way out of line, obviously. Obviously.

And oh the irony that Carly was the one to save Claudia, right? (Other than it being the exact same irony to play out every single time a character is in peril -- particularly if said character is in peril and carrying a child who's been punished by a paternity test w/Sonny's name on it.)

I hate this show.

the only thing I can add to your wonderful assessment is the fact that sonny STILL hasn't had one scene with his newly SORA'd girl Kristina. I keep asking myself WHY, WHY WHY...when she's obviously been so close to Michael her whole life they are BFFs-- then I just figure that the writers are the same idiots that kept Ethan on an empty boat for months.
Block taping, ain't it a bitch?

Don't you just love GH's storylines? They're so inspiring. This better not turn into how tortured Sonny is by having yet another baby in peril. I'm going to hurt somebody. Great post, Mallory!

Btw, hi Kermitklein! I've read some of your stuff and am a fan! *waves*

Just a curious question? Seeing as how Sonny or a Sonny relative has spawned most of the kids in PC, or has been a step-parent to said children - who exactly is the younger generation going to date? Most are related by blood, some by marriage which is just as ooky.

And I guess Kristina is the new Maxie. Both had hot, super fit boyfriends who turned out to be monsters. Sure, one taped sex while the other one hits, but I spotted the dusty script immediately.

I, for one, cannot *wait* for the exciting storyline where the woman who was responsible for a kid getting shot in the head and lying in a coma for a year declares revenge on said kid because of an accident that kills her own kid, which she hastily (and grossly) manufactured solely to keep save her own ass for said shooting.

GH: Circular drama at its worst.

Oh god I *hope* Claudia doesn't swear revenge on Michael -- how tedious! Though to be fair, Claudia (though a miserable character) is no more responsible for Michael's predicament than Sonny was.

I am going to need a map to the sympathetic characters, please!

Oh, Louise, you haven't seen the latest promo yet have you? Of *course* Claudia is out for revenge.

And you obviously haven't been paying attention because clearly *Jason* was most responsible for what happened to Michael, as he is the one who has gotten it into his head that he has to sacrifice everything, even though he is the one who repeatedly told Sonny he was being a douche back then.

As for sympathetic characters? Take anyone who has done anything bad (particularly to women and children) in the last few years and just forget everything they've done and LOVE them. It will be easier that way.

If we are looking at sympathetic characters, look no further than Cam.

Like, literally look no further, because there is no one else out there.

If we are looking at sympathetic characters, look no further than Cam.

Like, literally look no further, because there is no one else out there.

Your recaps make it abundantly clear that I did the right thing by quitting this show. I agree with Ann that it should just die. Having it continue to exist is like seeing your ex-bf out with his new skank... all you can think about is how nice it used to be, and then you remember how much HE FUCKING SUCKS, and then your teeth hurt with the anger.

And you would think that I was recently dumped. No. I just know how it feels, Cam.

(Hilarious how Sonny's spawn could possibly be responsible for the death of Sonny's spawn, isn't it?!?!Almost as amazing as the time Sonny's spawn held Sonny's spawn at gunpoint. Kill me now, seriously).

Only if you kill me first. And you may not kill me by tying me to a chair & forcing me to watch GH without the ability to flee or to use the remote to either FF or mute.

GH makes Chris Brown and Ike Turner look like choir boys, LMAO. This incessant violence and name calling is just vulgar and Guza and Frons don't think highly of women. I feel that Ann Sweeney needs to do something and fired Frons, Guza, and Phelps and replaced them with competent people who can save GH.

Sigh I am so glad I stopped watching this crap. Swith to OLTL

I was hoping you'd do a rant on this debacle of a show and the last few days of stupidity!

Another comment that you missed -- all these damned kids driving around with TEMPS -- and NO OTHER DRIVER with them!!!

WTF????? If I had pulled a stunt like that, my mother would have not only taken AWAY my car keys, she probably would have MELTED them! Then again -- my mother always knew where I WAS when I was a teen, license or no license -- silly responsible parent that she was.

I, like you, am waiting on the edge of my seat to see how Kristina's BF is abusive, yet Sonny throwing barware and playing 'spin the penis' with half the women in town is just all kinds of cool and awesomeness!

You couldn't find a sympathetic character on GH with a map, a yak, and a sherpa!

the only way to watch GH for me anyway is to focus on how great Scrubs are and and how fantastic the chemistry is between Kimberly and Jason. besides that if I find myself spending more than 5 seconds watching the rest of this crap called a show, I think I would seriously hurt someone, GUZA style. Thats all I can say. well I have one more thing, seriously what the hell is this fucked up hacks obssesion with putting children in danger, killing babies, making cops and other good citizens look like idiots, glorifying the mob and everything and everyone in it, making Jason a HITMAN into a saint, having Sonny a man who abuses women into a hero, and having a thug in training Micheal get away with being a dick? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM? Someone must of really fucked him up as a child, most likely his mom cause that's the only explination mind you not even a good one, why he is such an ass and hates women and is basicly destroying this show that I used to love. I HATE BOB GUZA! HATE!

Wow, didn't realize they'd already had ads about Claudia's revenge plot. Charming. Poor Sarah Brown -- this character is likely to go the way of Faith.

Also, what's the deal with Alexis now being implicated? And with her not understanding why Sam kept asking what road she was on and at what time? Can Alexis PLEASE not be the punching bag responsible this time?

I don't see any real similarities between Faith and Claudia.

Faith was pure villain bad girl mob widow from day one. She was Helena level naughty and criminal in nearly everything she did.

Where as this mess of a character Claudia has flip flopped more than all the summer sandals on the boardwalks of America. She goes from incestuous sister to mafia princess to war lord to weepy mommy wannabe to anti all things love and children at less than a moments notice. She makes no sense. Even SB has finally admitted the character is lost and directionless.

With Faith, you always knew where she was coming from at least. Claudia is likely to become a lawyer tomorrow after she tries to kill her husband or one of his kids again. Seriously, a total mess and waste by the writers. Guza obviously loves SB and even Claudia, but he has once again destroyed a character, which is really tragic and pathetic because it is one he just created himself! What a moron.

So Carly didn't recognize Michael's car?? It's not like it's a Honda Civic - it kind of STANDS OUT! How is it they all ran Claudiwhore off the road again? Why was Carly wandering around on the road at night again? Why the fuck do I watch this show again??

The bad, bad, BAD CGI is almost too much to bear. And Sonny sucking Olivia's face off and her being so INTO it. I'm surprised Johnny didn't come over and ask Sonny to plant one on him. I mean can any HUMAN resist Sonny, much less females? V to the omit. (I do a lot of words that way now that you introduced me to S to the lutty).

KEIFER BAUER?? Are you shittin' me? Of course Kristina (pardon me - "K") is going to get slapped around by her boyfriend. Does any woman on this show have a healthy relationship?? Vagina = Peril = Violence = You Suck. Georgie and Spinelli could have been really cute together and had such an adorable relationship. NOPE - HEALTHY AND NORMAL = DEATH.

Was Guza raped anally with foreign objects by his mother growing up? I'm sorry for the graphic visual, but I figure it has to have been pretty horrific to have created such a he-man woman hater as he. Did he wish characters from the Godfather would come and save him, so every mobster is the toast of the town?

I felt something crack in my brain........

Well, it's a good thing the Fun in the Sun campaign didn't come back this summer. Because somehow, I don't think a teenage girl in an abusive relationship, Sonny porking the reluctant mother of his unknown oldest son (wait, did he have sex with her, I couldn't make myself watch after he charmingly wrestled her into a kiss she didn't want, then told her how she knew she wanted it), Sonny being a stand-up dad by threatening anyone who holds his middle son accountable, Alexis being revealed to have had an affair with the married mayor while she herself was married, and two women who are constantly in danger of losing their babies/being killed qualify as fun... I could be wrong, though.

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