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« What Is More Awesome Than Awesome? | Main | Dear Song: No, I Most Certainly Would Not Like It »

July 13, 2009

General Hospital Week in Review

Greetings, readers!  After a very long absence, the Week in Review is making a hopefully triumphant return.  My work schedule has been completely insane for at least six months so poor Mallory has been shouldering almost all of the blogging, but things have calmed down and I'm planning a return to normal.  I've still been watching GH over these many months, which I'm sure contributed to my near-nervous-breakdown state, so I haven't missed much.  There's even been a few things that have been so consistent that I've learned to find them somewhat soothing.  They include:

  • Rick Hearst getting screwed over
  • Patrick's hotness
  • Sonny being an awful [fictional] human being
  • Mallory's hatred of Jason, Spinelli, and Bob Guza
  • My mind wandering while watching GH to the extent that I miss entire plotlines (and am subsequently grateful)
  • The increasing use of spray tan and teeth whitener that appears to have coincided with the introduction of HD
  • This show being, generally speaking, effing terrible

But let's be all analytical and take a look at some specific things that are terrible.  And one or two that aren't.


Casting is really the one area that throughout GH's descent into mediocrity and then awfulness remained strong.  GH consistently casts talented newcomers, kids that look like their onscreen parents, and non-daytime actors who fit right in on a soap.  But this is a huge misstep:  This man


is supposed to be the son of this woman.


Let me have some of my favorite Port Charles' denizens express my opinion about this:



Yeah...WTF?  Did she have him in the second grade?  Screw that, they could have been in the second grade together.  I am actually surprised that Maurice Benard hasn't up and quit in outrage, since he was long rumored to not want Sonny to have adult children, and all of a sudden he has one that checks the same age box on the census form that he does.

By the way, wasn't Olivia and Dante's first scene as mother and son a breath of fresh air, totally lacking the usual GH taint of violence and general disregard for anyone with ovaries?



I have no other explanation for that, other than, you know, the usual:



I know that their reconciliation took less than half an episode, that they had both moved on to relationships that I liked (or would have liked had they done the Liz-Jason thing right), and they are destined probably not to do anything interesting as a couple ever again, but...


SO PRETTY.  Becky Herbst's hair is worrying me a bit, but I am ignoring that for now because she is pulling off bright yellow, which only about .5% of the population can do.  And Greg Vaughan, damn.  Boy is fine.  I am very bummed that he has been bumped to recurring, particularly because I only recently learned I have been misspelling his last name for three years.  (In my defense, that last "a" serves no purpose!) [Edit:  Turns out I had misinformation and Vaughan is not recurring.  GH apparently uses him three times a month because of their usual lameness, not a heightened level of lameness that would take the portrayer of the only son of Luke and Laura off contract.  Phew?]

I was really upset with Maxie's hair early last week.


Cornrows are something you get while on vacation in the Caribbean when your judgment is affected either by alcohol or heatstroke.  They are not something a fashion magazine assistant wears.  But all was forgiven later in the week, because how fab does her hair look here?


Perfect!  And Kirsten Storms is looking a bit healthier, too, which is a relief.

Now that we've discussed her hair, onto the more important issue of what is going on in Maxie's life.


Maxie:  Oh no, I like how you look in a towel.  It makes me want to jump your bones.

I am going to have to borrow Mallory's patented response for this:  ". . ."

I assume that Spinelli is designed to appeal to the tween audience that watches more during the summer, but that also assumes that the powers-that-be think that their regular cocktail of violence with a twist of misogyny is appropriate for that same audience which…well, that’s probably exactly what they think.  Whatever. 

Even amidst the usual GH crap, I am usually able to at least understand what is going on on my screen ("understand" in terms of "know what is happening" not "process or accept as logical or acceptable").  But I do not understand Maxie and Spinelli's relationship.  Just a few months ago, Maxie was adamant that she didn't want a romantic relationship with Spinelli, that he was her "essential person" or some such thing (they stole that from Grey's, right?).  But now she's all over him, practically proposing marriage and babies on a daily basis (do not even get me started on his stupid chaste "courting" routine), despite nothing having changed and Spinelli still being a caricature.  And stuff like this happens:

Johnny (to Spinelli about Maxie):  She's been 100% faithful to you, my friend.

Faithful...to the guy she wasn't dating?  What?  It is entirely possible that I just haven't been paying attention, I suppose, but the other alternative is that the writers have no idea how to write for these two day-to-day and don't have a clear idea themselves on what the relationship is supposed to be.  I think you know which scenario I'm going with.


Mal loves Carly now, but I’ve only managed to progress to the point where I can tolerate her.  So I’m not moved at all by her and Jax's marital bliss and baby-planning.  (When are Carly and Claudia going to start actually looking pregnant, BTW?  Aren't they like five months along?)  I see scenes like this


and I wonder, when can Vanessa Marcil come back?


Michael may be a brat, but I have been totally impressed by Drew Garrett.  He is doing a great job playing mid-90s Jason, which is, let's face it, who Michael is now.


Bec:  BTW, at some point we have to discuss how SORAS'd Michael is TOTALLY mid-90s Jason.  It is creeping me the fuck out.  They even have the same haircut!  I like that actor, though.  Too bad he's fed garbage to recite.
Mal:  OMG, Michael is totally Jason. It's uncanny. What a find Drew Garrett is, though. He's been acting with some really strong actors, and Steve Burton, since joining the show and he has totally held his own.
  Several emails later and "some really strong actors, and Steve Burton" is still making me laugh.  I so adore how much you loathe him, even if I disagree.

I promise I'm not just saying this to annoy my lovely co-blogger:  I actually think Steve Burton has been really good lately.  I continue to enjoy his hilarious WTF reactions to Spinelli, and he is working on some excellent "bitch, please" expressions of his own that may one day rival that of his kid's brother.



I kind of love him a little.  Quick, someone remind me that Jason kills people for money!


You know, Robin may be inexplicably performing law enforcement functions and having indiscreet conversations that are easily overheard by the subject of said discussions, but


at least she's doing it with great hair and in a cute shirt.  The horrendous storyline allegedly about postpartum depression seems like it was years ago, and that is the nicest thing I will ever say about that nightmarish collection of medical inaccuracies, screechy harpy-ism, and baby-in-tree storage solutions.

Finally, Patrick and Robin's karaoke duet on Friday?  In one faux-word:  Adorbs.




And Patrick, well, he did something I didn't even know was possible.


He hotly karaoked.  

If you didn't catch this episode, I highly recommend watching just this scene.  It will make you kind of laugh and simultaneously cringe a bit because it's just realistic enough to remind you of every karaoke night you've ever attended.  Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough could seriously sell ice to Eskimos. (The Dirty Dancing connection doesn't hurt either.  OMG, I wore that soundtrack out on my giant yellow Sony Sports Walkman.)

If this is the first time you're seeing that scene, because you managed to quit this show, and that clip is in any way tempting you to start watching again, don't be fooled.  Stay away.  Save yourself.  Go watch 90s GH episodes on YouTube.  Take up a less harmful habit than watching GH.  I hear crack is making a comeback.

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.


I can only say this: Kimberly and Jason are absolute perfection together on/off screen. I agree with you ladies, those two can seriously sell ice to Eskimos. I have watched those scenes over and over and over again on youtube and every single time I get this great big smile on my face that can't seem to go away. I loved everything about that performance, from there singing, Kimberlys dancing and Jason's to, Patrick slapping Robin on the booty not once but twice, Robin's reaction, there dance moves the real raw hottness and closeness of them. theres so much more I can say but, I will just finish with this. Those two are seriously the only couple worth watching on this show and you know your hot, fun, sexy, and amazingly cute when you are able to make even Kareokee look hot and sexy. Those two are simply Magic.

Totally agree with everything you said.. except that I now too, love Carly.
The karaoke was the first scene in a long long time that I loved and actually laughed at. Good job JT and KMc.

OMG, I wore that soundtrack out on my giant yellow Sony Sports Walkman

Holy shit I think I had that same Walkman. Up until a few years ago when I let my old college roommate borrow it and the bitch never gave it back.

I haven't watched GH in years so I've no clue what's going on but I may have to bookmark & watch that karaoke scene when I get home.

This was a perfect recap and welcome back to regular posting, you were missed. But I disagree about one thing. Brenda.

No way in hell do I want VM to come back to "this" GH. She was ruined enough last time Guza brought her back. She looked great, but that story line blew toxic balls. That crap about thinking she was nuts like her Mom, Luiz Alcazar holding her prisoner and threatening her w/ killing her past loves, marrying Jason (funny scenes, but hell no) propping Jason and Courtney while never once mentioning her BFF Robin, approving of Carly, and then Jax dumping her at the altar la Sonny but for even more cruel reasons that even Mumbles did????

Can you imagine what hell Brenda would be this time back? Maybe she befriends Claudia and they take over the mob. Or maybe she is married to Uncle Rudy in Italy who is soon to appear. Uchhh, more mobbies. Making Brenda Great Auntie Brenda to Sonny's newest spawn to be w/ Claudia, I may vomit now. Or maybe she goes after Patrick screwing Robin one final time before Guza sends her back to Paris. Who knows what fresh hell would befall Brenda if she were to come back to GH now. I cannot take anymore character asassination, especially of the vets. And if one more woman joins Sonny's harem he is going to have to leave PC for the Middle East where he can legally have twenty wives.

To make me feel better.....Scrubs karaoke, Diane digging through Jason's pockets, Alexis's suggestion to Sonny they have a panic attack off!!!!! :-)

Loved Robin & Patrick at Jakes. It really made my day and weekend. I don't know how many times I watched them karaoking. Okay-22. It's addictive. But I do resent GH. We keep learning through Scrubs' conversations all the offscreen interactions of the young Scorpio-Drake family but not seeing any of it. I want to SEE Patrick sing to Emma, Patrick watching Robin sing to Emma, or Robin taking Emma shopping! GH is so stupid. Ugh. Let me watch the Scrubs clip again before I flip out.


Now granted I have been offline for the past four days..but Greg denied being sent to recurring on his Twitter last week. And I have my friends well trained that if something like that happened...well my phone would have exploded from people calling me sympathy. (No seriously...on Jonathan Jackson's last day? They sent me sympathy cards.) Plus as a member of his fan club I can say his fan club president has sent nothing out saying that. Not saying it has happened..but he was joking about it just feeling like he was recurring. plus for reasons I don't get...the rumor mongers hate him (must be blind) and send that out there every three to four months. Like I said..I could be wrong....but since I have gotten hysterical phone calls and emails over the weekend....well at the very least i'm going to live in denial. =)

I too must agree with Sarah about not wanting Brenda back...but that's mainly because I was the minority that loathed the Sonny/Brenda/Jax triangle back in the day. And of course when she left and Guza developed that habit of casting almost every new female in Sonny's orbit as a Brenda look-a-like DID NOT HELP.

Thank God I have not lost you to the dark side known as "Carly-love," Becca. I can't take it. It amazes me how Claudia's behavior and Michael's...being doesn't invoke some sense of self-awareness with her, but that's like asking for the moon.

I, too, don't want Brenda on this sinking ship. I want her safe and tucked away until the GH we know and love is rescued.

Patrick and Robin were extremely adorable and I loved every minute of Alexis and Diane. As for Sonny trying to point out the type of men Alexis falls for, do you think he's forgotten he's on the list as well? I thought I'd never lived to see the day when Sonny unintentionally dissed himself, so that's something.

Becky looked gorgeous, Ethan and Rebecca still suck, and I am now fangurls of Alexis and Diane for squashing that annoying ADA Louise.

I'm so glad the Week in Review is back. I've missed you!

@ Beth R. I hope that you are right. I don't watch anymore (though I will be watching a little karaoke action later tonight) but the prospect of Lucky freakin' Spencer being recurring is just too unfathomable. Oh, right, "Written by Robert Guza Jr." Got it.

Also, I like Steve Burton. There, I said it. I hate the mob. I hate Sonny. I hate the writing. But I like Steve Burton.

Welcome back, Becca. Love your reviews and glad to be reading them again.

Thanks, Elana and the rest of you kind people! It is good to be back.

Sorry, Beth R. and everyone else. I thought I read about Vaughan being bumped to recurring in the comments here, but am glad it turns out that was one of many things that I misunderstood or completely made up. Emmy, I agree, Lucky Spencer going recurring is absolutely unacceptable. Particularly when he is played by someone so very nice to look at.

All I have to say is: Steve Burton has one hell of a Zoolander face in that first screencap of him in the PCPD. Completely unintentional, I'm sure, but hysterical nonetheless. Just like the rest of this effing show.

"I had the time of my life" watching that scene!!! Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough nailed it! They made karoke look sexy. They are the only reason I watch. I don't want Brenda back either --due to my fear as to what misery Guza would do to the character next. The Dante and Olivia reunion--awful-- awful just awful. Did I mention it was awful.

I like Laura Wright as Carly-- Carly still not one of my favorites but she is ok.

Love Diane and Alexis--seriously they need their own show!


I want to see more of the Scorpio family in general.... Mac needs a love ---Matt Hunter needs a love interest besides Maxie...

Thanks for the karaoke clip of Robin and Patrick. I'm not watching the show until it gets better, but that clip was fantastic. I adore Scrubs.

Scrubs were adorable but I would NOT go back to watching this show. It's awful and it looks like the ratings confirm it. And I agree, Dante and Olivia look like they could be lovers not mother and son.

Great review, Becca. I adore Scrubs. That karaoke scene was drowning in adorableness.

I'm a VM/Brenda fan but no way in hell do I want her back on this shitty show. Do you remember what they did to her, during her '02 return?! Oh, fuck no. I don't want a repeat of that. EVER.

Scrubs karaoke was the best performance of the night.

And did you see Lucky hug Liz during Scrubs' signing?? It was so squishy and lovely.

I've been enjoying many of Jason's scenes for the past several weeks. Of course, I love Spixie too, so make of that what you will. ;)

And I am now completely in love with Jason Thompson. I mean, I thought he was hot before, but after hearing him sing? I want to rub his feet and have his babies.

I liked the Maxie and Matt conversation the best last week. I just didn't want it to end.

"He's been acting with some really strong actors, and Steve Burton" - LOL!

That made me die laughing too. Nice one, Mallory. But I have to wonder how Steve can grow as an actor when he is essentially given the exact same thing to play every day. Come to think of it, he is given the exact same thing to WEAR every day too. Does he only have that one outfit, or is Jason's wardrobe room filled with black T-shirts and blue jeans? Seriously though, when he's not playing the mob angst garbage, he is stuck in scenes listening to Spinelli and/or Maxie be moronic in their high-pitched ways, trying to pretend to care. I feel kind of sorry for him. The only scene I have enjoyed Jason in for a while was the emotional one with Monica and Edward where he finally admitted he'd been a jackass (my word, not his).
Last week's brightest GH moment was most definitely Robin and Patrick's karaoke number. I can't stop watching it. Jason Thompson's hotness is almost beyond reason. I would love to be watching him in hot love scenes day in/day out instead of being subjected to Sonny snarling in every other scene. Yeah...wishful thinking.

Scrubs: Karaoke awesome! Robin and Patrick were sexy, hot, fun and just down right adorable!
Matt and Maxie: Having a real adult conversation oozing with chemistry reiterated my hatred for Spixie!
Gorgeous Liz and Lucky: cuddling, what a pleasant pretty surprise. *sigh*
Olivia and Dante: Seriously, Guza! *roll eyes*

The last time I finished watching GH with a smile on my face, was the episode with the birth of Emma. By the way, I miss seeing the little cutie!

Robin, Patrick and Coleman made the first day of karaoke fun and entertaining to watch. I loved the song choice and it fit scrubs so well. One of the things, I love about Robin & Patrick is they absolutely cannot keep their hands off each other. Since we can't get this kind of hotness in a bedroom scene, we'll take the onstage version.

The actor playing Dante doesn't look right for the part, but I like his "whatever" attitude. I wish they tone down Spinelli cartoonish ways a little bit. He has been very annoying leading up to his singing.

"He's been acting with some really strong actors, and Steve Burton"

LOVE you. That totally sounds like something I would say.

I have this issue wherein I embarrass really easily for people doing things I would find embarrassing to do. Ergo as much as I love my Scrubs & have heard this was fun, I just can't watch it.

Can't we just have all k. episodes of GH? Robin / Patrick, Liz/ Lucky, Alexis / Diane, Carly / Jax, Coleman, little Drew Garrett and and his annoying nuKristina sister, heck even Spinelli / Maxie. That MIGHT even make Nikolas / Rebecca bearable.

I firmly believe my Steve Burton worship is justifiable because I am convinced he's with us - he's our people. He's just barely stomaching mouthing Guza's foul crap until he makes enough Monavie dough to bail out. Witness his great work in the scene where he admitted how wrong he has always been to the Qs!

I Loved the Jason scenes with Johnny and Dante. I like watching them together more then Jason running and Saving Sam. I mean lets face it what is better then watching two hot guys with guns. I did not care for the Jasam scene yesturday to me they have no chemistry and I felt a little embarrassed for KM/Sam. Do the the writers write this stuff for her cause they think she can't . They really are not doing the Sam character any favors IMO. Liz and Lucky I still say they are like siblings and the dialog yesturday well call me confused, but Liz is always good in whatever scenes she is in. Karaoke I thought was horrible accept for scrubs. Spinelli and Maxie tend to get on my nerves, I don't enjoy watching them at all. I think the whole show needs an overhaul

Ladies Greg Vaughan has NOT been moved to recurring status. I wish people would quit spreading this misinformation. He clarified this several times on twitter the other day.

Patrick and Robin adorable? Gee from this blog who would have thought so. Adorably boring and asexual.

Um...Valerie, WTF? Asexual? I quote from Princess Bride..."I don't think that word means what you think it means."

Becca, I'm glad someone finally pointed out that apparently Carly and Man-Hands are giving birth to sea monkeys because they are NOT SHOWING. At least not until yesterday. Amazing what a weekend can do. At least we hadn't seen Claudiwhore in a day or so, but Carly was wearing the same damn shirt she was wearing on Friday, but suddenly, she has a baby bump?

It cracked me up last week when Claudia wanted Sonny to "feel the baby move." These friggin' writers apparently think no one who watches has ever been pregnant. You don't feel a baby move when your stomach is still concave. Although given Claudia's penchant for ridiculously tight pants, shirts and leather jackets she bought two sizes too small from the juniors department, the poor thing probably IS banging on those tight walls, asking for some goddamn room!

Okay, I thought that putting a correction here in the comments was sufficient, but I've now gone back in and edited the post to reflect that Greg Vaughan hasn't been bumped to recurring. The world can now continue to rotate on its axis.

Sorry becca....when you're a Greg Vaughan fan and you see this rumor pop up every two-three months...and randomly this is the only rumor people all immediately believe....we get a bit defensive. All is forgiven? =)

Your comment was the one that made me realize my mistake and post a correction. I just didn't realize it was an ALL CAPS kind of situation, so after another comment I edited the post. No worries, and my apologies for getting it wrong to begin with.

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