Serial Drama

What Is More Awesome Than Awesome?

Q: What is more awesome than awesome?

A: Tricia Cast is more awesome than awesome.

If I were the poetic sort of person, I would write a sonnet about the myriad ways in which The Young and the Restless makes me happy: the soapy storytelling! The shrewd decision to cast Michael Muhney as Adam! The Peter Bergman! It's the stuff long, tortured poems are made of.

However, I am not a poetic person. When I had to take a poetry writing class during as an undergraduate, we were urged to hand our poems in to be workshopped by the class; even on days that I did hand one in to be workshopped, my professor never handed it out to the rest of the class, no doubt wanting to shield me from the peals of derisive laughter that would soon follow. So rather than humiliate myself on the world wide web, I will settle for saying: this show is awesome and it makes me happy.

If I had to pick one part of a great show that stands out as the greatest, it would have to be Tricia Cast as Nina. She is reliably fantastic, and always has been, but she's been so completely stellar in this latest return that it makes me wonder how we ever lasted so long without her. Like, I always thought that having her back in Genoa City would be an added bonus, but it turns out that she actually completes me. She delights me so much that I won't even make a comment about her completely dull, unflattering, Mom jeans and a tucked in top-laden (Y&R? Seriously? You're better than that) wardrobe. 

Well, This Mystery Is Just Un-Solvable

Scenes with Alexis and Diane are almost always delightful, and today was no exception. Diane complimenting Molly's choice of book, Pandora Gets Jealous written by none other than Carolyn Hennessy (she writes YA lit! That makes her ten times greater than I previously thought she was and I previously thought she was pretty damn great) was adorable, their banter over the lameness of the fake emails sent to the Player Mayorwas fantastic ("bad greeting cards sent from a lunatic". Hee!) and Nancy Lee Grahn and Carolyn Hennessy work together so well that I'd eagerly vote for an Alexis/Diane spinoff, if such things were decided by vote; naturally, I'd stipulate that said spinoff could not involve Guza, Phelps & Co. in any way, but since I unfortunately have no sway over television lineups, this is a moot point.

So I almost feel bad complaining about scenes that were, overall, fabulous and much better than the rest of the show. However.

Alexis: The only emails I ever wrote to Floyd were grants, line item budgets and you better believe me.

Diane: I do believe you. These emails seem desperate and coy, and made up somehow, but they were sent from your computer.

Alexis: That's impossible.

Why did Alexis or Diane not immediately remember that they both know a person in town who (a) is involved in every story in the show and will be involved in this one at some point, so why not just hurry things up and call him now and (b) is skilled at all things computer related, including investigations? And that they also know a person--Alexis is in fact the mother of said person--whose latest job is solving crimes and could probably back up Alexis's assertions that she did not send these desperate sounding emails.

But if I start asking questions like that, I'll have to ask why no one at the hospital wonders why Andrea Floyd is always lurking around obviously eavesdropping with a look on her face that plainly says, "I AM DOING SHADY THINGS" and then we'd all be asking each other why the crazy plot holes on this show exist and then our heads will explode.

Also:

Alexis: I hope the media, and even all the blogs, are moving onto something a lot more interesting.

Did Alexis just give me permission to stop watching General Hospital? Because I will gladly take her advice...

Soap Blog Coalition

Want to know the latest on General Hospital's murder mystery, a possible JOlivia triangle and if Elizabeth might expose Rebecca?  Find out the latest General Hospital spoilers and rumors. (Daytime Confidential)

How well do you know Robin & Patrick? Finish our crossword puzzle and find out! (Scrubs Hub)

General Hospital may be lacking in romance, continuity and plausibility, but the writers hope we'll be too impressed with their outdated pop culture references to notice. (Serial Drama)

When real life is stranger than a soap.  How fabulous it would be if soap opera viewers had the power to file ridiculous storyline charges, (RSC) against the powers that be as their favorite soaps character. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Damon L. Jacobs recently spoke with veteran actress Patsy Pease and has a revealing interview with the former Days of Our Lives star. (We Love Soaps)

Law & Disorder

I suppose it is my own fault, what with my constant fawning over Jesse and Angie, and brazenly claiming that they "make everything better" and "are awesome". Of course the writers are going to seize upon that as a dare! "Oh, they make everything better, do they?" and then we wind up watching Jesse cover up a murder of an almost-rapist by a scared, pregnant woman¹ obviously committed in self defense² by sneaking a body out of a hotel room on a room service cart³, staging a car accident and betting on people buying that the victim died in a car accident and not from being hit with a blunt object⁴ and when his simpleton daughter-in-law⁵ points out that the coroner would surely realize that the murder actually occurred hours earlier, crosses his fingers and hopes that the car would maybe blow up and that wouldn't be an issue⁶. Because Charles Pratt is as cruel as he is incompetent.

This show isn't really All My Children, is it? It's some bizarre hour of programming featuring actors we know playing characters with the same names as characters we once knew and loved, acting out scripts that are no more than word association games.

¹Why do the writers take the "children" part of All My Children so literally? Can we really not go a week without a new baby storyline?

²So obviously committed in self defense that Jesse ACTUALLY STATED IT WAS SELF DEFENSE and felt compelled to cover it up anyway

³ What kind of hotel sends room service up on a cart the size of a freaking gurney? That huge cart, and all I saw in

⁴And yet he took great pains to make sure that North's seatbelt was buckled

⁵ So pretty, but so, so dim. And yet, obviously smart enough to catch a few episodes of CSI and have basic knowledge of forensics and criminal investigations unlike, apparently, the Pine Valley chief of police.

⁶ What the everloving fuck?

Port Charmless

What General Hospital lacks in reason, entertainment value, romance and soapiness, it makes up for with outdated pop culture references.

Dominante: Land Shark! Pizza!

Way to have your finger on the pulse, GH! And that allusion was thought to be so clever that it was made twice in one episode.

Michael: Yeah, I'm not into the whole "Dilbert" thing.

Edward: What Dilbert thing...what?

I like to think Edward's utter bafflement over the Dilbert shoutout was not unfamiliarity with the cartoon, but bewilderment that Michael, who was a tween as recently as May, is now namedropping Dilbert. I'm so sure!

Similarly, I'm so sure that groups of people would be fighting each other, spending massive amounts of money and mysteriously obtaining "temporary drivers licenses" in order to curry favor with Michael, who is a beast. Sonny and Carly should be trying to dump him on the Quartermaines, and Edward should not be having it, not least because having Michael live with the Qs means that Carly and Sonny will be dropping by and being angry at all hours of the day. Why did Sonny get so enraged that he rang the doorbell a few times and had to wait "like fifteen minutes" to be let in? With the way he stumbles over words, he'd have gotten a total of six syllables out in that time, so whatever, Sonny.

Drew Garrett is a great find and, to a point, Michael's obnoxiousness makes sense (two sociopathic parents + brain injury + coma + hormones - therapy x Bob Guza's writing style; the kid really didn't have a chance at becoming a functional human being), but holy hell, he is exhausting to watch.

Carly: And the sound system? Because I know you cranked it.

Michael: Yeah, wait till you hear it. Honestly, it'll probably make your 80's hair bands sound good.

Carly: Don't make fun of my music.

What kind of music do we think Carly listens to? I was going to say that I picture her as a Poison type of gal, but I don't want someone to get the sick idea to do a Rock of Love/GH crossover, because the combination of Sonny and Bret Michaels in one place would cause all of our television sets to contract syphilis and then explode.

Too Much Monkey Business

"That," I declared dramatically two minutes into today's episode of All My Children, "is a TERRIBLE idea that makes not one bit of sense." I had barely finished scoffing at the first scene of the show when all of a sudden, there was ANOTHER bizarre, under-written and woefully ill-advised plot. And then ANOTHER.

And then all of a sudden it took Jesse three minutes to get from Pine Valley to Washington D.C. and I realized...the writers totally write scripts on napkins, on the fly, don't they? Because I've given up even entertaining the idea that this group of writers gives their plot-driven messes masquerading as "soap opera storylines" anything more than one moment's thought, and that thought is usually, "so this is going to happen and it will be awesome. How will it happen? Not my problem." I also imagine that they call each other "bro" all the time.

Henry North: intriguing new character; played by an actor who outshines 90% of the cast; has potential to be a long-term villain or the subject of a rehabilitation.

NATURALLY they made him an almost-rapist and then killed him off, setting up what is certain to be a terrible story about coverups and family secrets that will only lead to Frankie whining again, some more. "Can't wait"! At least Kieran Campion and his amazing name are now freed up to do work in a higher quality production such as Barney or street performance art.

It's Like They Are Begging Me To Make a Joke About This Show Choking

I am not sure who is crazier at the end of this clip (the last scene of today's episode):

Erica, for deliberately provoking a person she KNOWS is insane and violent and who has, in fact, STABBED HER in the past, with her hilarious quips and her steely determination to send said insane person up the river for Stuart's murder? Really, Erica? That's how you deal with someone you believe to be a deranged murderer? By stalking and needling them and rubbing your gloriously voluminous hair in their face? That doesn't seem wise.

Annie, for coping with listening to things she doesn't want to hear by going, "Lalalala, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, GAH! STOP! I WILL KILL YOU"?

The audience, for continuing to watch even though it is causing our brain cells to rapidly deplete to the point where we maybe, I don't know, hypothetically lose all hand-eye coordination and wind up hitting our heads getting out of our cars? Twice in one day?

It's us, isn't it?

*Also, did anybody else catch Kendall saying "You might as well just bury me now" in front of Tad, who actually did bury someone a few years ago? It made me laugh until I cried. And those tears were the devastated tears of a person who just realized that maybe Megan McTavish wasn't so bad after all...

Eileen Davidson's "Dial Emmy For Murder"

If you're anything like me, your eyes instinctively roll when you hear that a celebrity has written a novel (I freely admit that this is partly out of jealousy on my part. If Lauren Conrad can "write" a novel, why can't I?!). But! If you rolled your eyes when you heard that Eileen Davidson has a series of soap opera mystery books, you eyerolled too soon, because her latest, Dial Emmy For Murder, is pretty damn good. And I don't mean that in a "well, it's so terrible that it's good" or "I heart Eileen Davidson, so let's just say that this is good"" kind of way; I am being completely sincere! If you're looking for an inanely entertaining summer read, this is it.

Quick background: Alexis Peterson is a soap star, formerly of The Yearning Tide and now playing the dual roles of Felicia and Fannie (Felicia's ugly twin, who is played with fake teeth and a prosthetic nose. Shades of Susan Banks!) on The Bare and the Brazen who again finds herself in the middle of a murder mystery when her Emmy co-presenter winds up dead. I will say no more because it's a mystery, duh, and I don't want to give anything away. 

I love, love, love Eileen Davidson as Ashley Abbott and I adored her on Days, and it turns out that she's a great storyteller, too. She's funny, is great with dialogue and Alex is a fantastic, clever character. I really feel like soap headwriters should consult with ED before they write another of their harebrained mysteries (Charles Pratt, I am sneering in your general direction).

Has anybody else read this book, or her previous novel, Death in Daytime? Share in the comments!

Soap Blog Coalition

Should SOAPnet produce a splashy Santa Barbara miniseries or movie? Jamey lays out the evidence why he thinks they should. (Daytime Confidential)

Check out the latest rant on the PVB regarding how low can SOAPnet go. Do you agree with Kathy, has the station has "jumped the shark"? (Pine Valley Bulletin)

As the malpractice suit/murder mystery on General Hospital trudges along, we've been entertained by some great quote worthy moments, here are some of the best (Scrubs Hub)

In their latest Soap Opera Digest column, the Serial Drama girls focus on veteran characters. Some shows, like All My Children and The Young & The Restless, use them well and give them great stories, and then there's General Hospital and what they have done with Luke Spencer. (Serial Drama)

I was compelled to pause the DVR after being so totally outraged over the scene that took place at the Chancellor estate. If Neil genuinely recognized the fact that Mrs. "C" was in trouble, he should have called 911 immediately. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Lisa LoCicero just got a contract on General Hospital. Will it matter? Either way, we're happy! (Wubs.net)

Subtlety Is Not This Show's Strong Suit

Hey, guys! How are you feeling? Do you have pounding headaches? So do I. I think it's a direct result of being hit in the head with the ten tons of foreshadowing the General Hospital writers threw at us today:

Sonny, to Jason, about Michael, in a surprisingly well acted scene that marks the second time this week that I have complimented Steve Burton's performance and regarded such as the highlight of the entire show, which leads me to believe that it is 1997 again and nobody told me. Oh wait, it's not, because half of the characters on canvas in 1997 are dead now: As far as I'm concerned, he's my firstborn.

Because Michael's NOT Sonny's firstborn, remember? Both because he is not Sonny's biological son and because Sonny doesn't know that his firstborn son was actually born to Olivia and is named Dante and who is, we're all sure, going by the name Dominic and who spent a few days hiding in Sonny's own house. Oh the drama!

And wait--there's more! Sonny's firstborn actually held a gun on Sonny's "firstborn" (and ex-wife and one of the children that he seems like he can do without). CAN YOU HANDLE THIS EXTREME ORIGINALITY AND ENTERTAINMENT?

We are in for a long, long summer.