A Brief Detour into the Land of Not So Bad

It's exceedingly rare that I even find myself with one semi-positive thing to say about All My Children, but today I have two! There is magic in the air, people!

All right, perhaps the first doesn't count, as it took place entirely in my subconscious and was no doubt the result of my spending a lot of time coming to grips with the fact that David Canary probably won't make the move with AMC to Los Angeles, but it IS good and it IS AMC-related, however vaguely: the Silver Fox himself made a prominent appearance in a dream of mine last night. It involved a trip to the bookstore, and I had a long debate about which book to buy, and then I saw a person I once worked with, and made a face to express my distaste, and David Canary agreed, saying, "I don't care much for him".  It was nice to have David Canary validate my opinion, even if it was just in a dream. Also, it is his 71st birthday today, and it's Cameron Mathison's birthday, too. The AMC set must have been fun today, if one discounts the fact that some of them (and all of their crew) will not have jobs soon, and that they have to act out storylines written by Pratt & Co...

The second happy-making AMC moment actually did take place on the show and, shockingly, included Liza. Specifically, it included Liza getting hit over the head with a laptop by the ever territorial Kendall Hart.

(Skip ahead to 3:57)

If you think about the elements of this scene for even ten seconds, it becomes less enjoyable because those involved are acting dangerously ridiculous (Liza for ignoring Tad's Zendall shipping/rational argument that Zach and Liza will never happen, and immediately running back to the Slaters to plant one on him; Kendall for having exceedingly poor impulse control and no understanding of what a secret room is actually for. Girl, you are supposed to be hiding! Not walking around the house where any of the million and one visitors could see you and realize that you're not serving your prison sentence. Also, laptop as weapon is a move straight out of the Denise Richards: It's Violent playbook. Kendall, you can do better!), but it was so, so funny.

The rest of the show is equally hilarious, in the most horrifying of ways.

Liza amused me greatly yesterday when she was sparring with Annie ("Oooh, cars! I bet you miss those, don't you?") and I wondered if, maybe, it was the start of a new chapter in her time on the show, but no. She is delusional and awful.

Tad: A little. What's up with you?

Liza: Oh, nothing. Just falling for a guy who's in love with a killer.

What a melodramatic way to start a story!

Tad: Find a way. You don't understand. Kendall and Zach? They're untouchable. Ok? They take the vow "through good times and bad" to a whole new level. I mean, they've been through comas and affairs and tornadoes and--and bomb shelters, rogue lesbian kisses.

Liza: Rogue what?

Tad: Any crisis you can imagine. I am telling you, nothing comes between Kendall and Zach. Nothing. Not even when they're apart.

Liza: Yeah, but, you know, he's in that house. He's all alone in that big house.

Tad: He's not alone. All right? She is there with him. Maybe not physically, but she's there all the same. They're inseparable, ok? Every single thing he does, every decision he makes is either for or about Kendall.

1.) I think Tad secretly posts on Zach & Kendall message boards, possibly under the moniker thecadluvszen.

2.) "Rogue lesbian kisses" is the greatest turn of phrase, ever.

2.) Liza carefully studied Tad's words and decided that the subtext there was, "Go hit on Zach! It'll work out!" I'm sorry, but she deserved that assault via laptop and, hopefully, any brain injury stemming from it will correct her sense of shame and boundaries.

Amanda: I shouldn't have gone off on David like that. I shouldn't have done it. It's not his fault. What happened to Trevor, it's mine. I agreed to this stupid plan.

Jake: We all agreed to the plan because we thought the plan would work.

Yes, you all agreed to it, which makes you all more stupid that even words can express.

Jake: Look at me. The only thing that you are guilty of is loving your son so much that you wanted him back in your arms as soon as humanly possible. That's all you're guilty of. That doesn't make you selfish, that doesn't make you careless or reckless. That makes you a mom. That's what moms do. So don't give up hope, ok? We're gonna find him. We're gonna find him, and then we're gonna go out in that lake, the one from your dream. And a boat--we're gonna rent a boat.

Um.

Faking a baby's death, hiding a baby at a friend's house and switching his gender, and leaving him in an alley so that someone can pretend to find him and call social services on the off chance that you will get the chance to legally adopt him is the very definition of selfish, careless, and reckless, not to mention dangerously stupid and bugshit insane. Any one of those actions is a poor choice, but all of them? Trevor needs to be the one raising these two, and he should also spend the afternoon tutoring Randi on basic knowledge.

I cannot deal with them, and I am having a hard time even describing this story without resorting to made up words, or perhaps a complete nonsense language, because English words aren't conveying how dumb it really is. One day, my AMC entries are going to seem like they are written by Nell!

Adam:You let Lavery go off on a chest-beating frenzy and Annie ended up in hysterics.

Hee! That was the sole highlight to the increasingly tiresome "Is Annie crazy? Or crazy like a fox?" story. The competency hearing was just another chance for the three players to do the same thing they've been doing for weeks:

Annie: Be CRAZY but also simpering and remorseful!

Adam: Be protective and overly indulgent of Annie!

Ryan: RAAAAAAAAGE!

Comments

[Sarah]

AMC written by Nell.... effin hilarious!

rogue lesbian kisses.... snorting w/ laughter here, thanks

Baby Trevor needs to be raising his own mother and teaching Randi basic knowledge.... you're killing me today with all this delicious snark.

I just watched "My Antonio"..... these people need to be taken to Gitmo before it closes. They are terrorizing us with their immense vapid stupidity. I don't just mean the jumbo implanted strippers or crazy bug eyed contestants who need serious psychiatric help, I mean the whole cast and crew. Anyone responsible for this sickness and assault on sanity needs to be punished. And as much as I am digging Sofia Lauren wanna be, aka Antonio's Mama, she is a HUGE reason Antonio is always dating the wrong women and can't make any relationship last.

1. the older women fetish of Antonio's, Oedipus anyone??????

2. Mama runs his love life, even the right woman is going to bail if Mama never buts out and lets her baby be a big boy on his own

3. this show is super duper crazy and scarier than a horror film

Kinda like AMC and GH ;-)

[Femina]

Your column is a thing of beauty today! ITA that Kendall does not seem to embrace the concept of a "secret room," but the "oops upside the head" moment was worth the risk IMO. Thank God for DVRs. Now I can watch the whack-a-nut moment repeatedly!

As for Adam, I saw glimpses of the old Adam today. What a thing of beauty! Unfortunately, he is still protecting Annie in the process,(and I thought her Stepford wife persona was annoying. But hope springs eternal with me that Ms. Lavery will soon be on the receiving end of Adam's wrath. The only good thing about Annie is her complete effing with Ryan's head. Annie clearly doesn't deserve Emma, but neither does Ryan. And there tit-for-tat parenting chalkboard proves it everyday.

Finally, the whole fake dead baby storyline deserves as little attention as possible. As the child of Janet Green and Trevor Dillon, I expect sooooooo much more from Amanda. And David Hayward is considered a villain?! Ryan/Annie and Jake/Amanda could be the poster children for contraceptives. These four SHOULD NEVER be allowed to reproduce!

Femina

[Bec]

Mallory, your post makes me so happy that quit watching AMC. But I can never quit reading the blog because it, unlike the show, offers quality entertainment. Thanks!

[LauraBB]

Good stuff!!!
1.) I think Tad secretly posts on Zach & Kendall message boards, possibly under the moniker thecadluvszen.

2.) "Rogue lesbian kisses" is the greatest turn of phrase, ever.

[Shelley]

I honestly don't know what the intent is with Liza...honestly. She talks about being a bad mother, Tad tells her to walk away, not a chance in hell...so, her response is to go over to Zach...stand at his door (and what was with that stance of her's by the by?)...and then plant one on him? Am I supposed to believe she feels some guilt at being a bad mother? Am I supposed to cheer her on for taking a chance...when even she admits Zach is in love with his wife? Or am I supposed to believe she is dumb and desperate...cause that's where I am at with this character.

I cannot even watch the notDeadnowMissingBaby story...it is just stupid...and everyone involved looks stupid.

Not a fan of Annie's...not by a long shot...can't stand the crud with the town idiot (Scott)...and I hate, hate how Adam is being written to facilitate this pairing. BUT, as much as I dislike Annie...I absolutely detest Ryan...and I will cheer her on as she plays mind games with Ryan...not that I think she actually deserves Emma (neither does Ryan IMO)...but, just her jacking with Ryan will give me some pleasure from her.