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« My Heart! My Stomach! My Antonio! | Main | Our Column In The 8/25 Issue of Soap Opera Digest »

August 18, 2009

Bad Ideas A Go-Go

Your average All My Children episode leaves me scratching my head and asking myself several questions including, but not limited to:

  • What Crayola color most accurately describes Jamie Luner's skin tone: Burnt Orange, or Macaroni and Cheese?
  • Where on earth did Debbi Morgan find that wig?
  • Would my grandfathers be offended if I adopted David Canary as a third grandfather?
  • When will we know what actors are opting not to move to the West Coast, because the suspense is killing me and it sometimes takes me out of the scene I'm watching because I find myself suspicious of the behind the scenes drama (although, in full disclosure, it doesn't take much to get me to stop paying attention to the scenes on the show)?

But, by far, the questions asked most often start with "Why?"

  • Why does [character] think it is a good idea to [action so completely ludicrous that even a small child would laugh at the implausibility were it described to them, which, of course, it would not be, as any discussion of AMC invariably leads to dropping lots of f-bombs that are wholly inappropriate for young ears]?
  • Why is [character] acting so completely unlike [himself/herself]? I don't think I saw them suffer a brain injury...
  • Why are Erica and Ryan?

There is a simple answer to all of these questions:


Well, maybe it's not exactly a "simple" answer, because it only leads to more questions, like, "How did he become the head writer of a show that he has never watched or cared about? Did the other candidate, a potted plant, turn down ABC's offer?", but it's the most concise answer, at least.

In some years, Zach paying a lookalike to serve Kendall's prison sentence while he hides her in a secret room in their house would easily get a shoutout in myriad end of the year Best & Worst lists. While I DO enjoy the vaguely disturbing, Gothic wrongness of the whole "Zach and only Zach has access to Kendall" thing, there is too much going on that makes no sense: what is this deal with the Kendall lookalike who is all "Luckily, I had nothing going on for the next fifteen years to life, even though I appear to be an attractive woman under 35, so this works out quite nicely"? Since Zach fired Rachel, who takes care of Spike and Ian when Zach leaves the house? Yes, it's true that he is able to travel at the speed of light, since he changed his outfit and made it to the Chandler mansion yesterday in less than ten seconds, so I guess they wouldn't be alone for too long, but still! And, really, that house gets more visitors in one week than most of Pine Valley does in a year...how long is it possible for that secret to stay a secret? Especially when his completely insecure wife got annoyed that he was dining with Liza (well, I am with her on that part, at least) and called AND snuck out of said secret room!


BUT, that is not even the dumbest storyline currently happening on AMC! No, that honor has to go to "Ooops, we lost Baby Trevor" which, I'm convinced, is the most poorly written and downright ridiculous story on soaps right now and is responsible for killing, probably, a third of my brain cells (the death of those brain cells, by the way, led to a humiliating instance at Starbucks when I forgot to give my pseudonym for my order, and said Mallory, and the barista said, "Valerie?" and I said, "No, Mallory, with an M" "N?" "No, M as in...[awkwardly long silence while I tried to think of a word that started with M] marshmallow". She then spoke to me very, very slowly for the duration of the transaction).

The vast stupidness of this story is not new; things went south in the most contrived sort of way from the very second Amanda slept with David and, in the words of JR, became pregnant with her devil baby, and any story that leads the writers to say, "The best thing to do here would be fake a baby's death" is the kind of story that needs to never leave the drawing board (and should probably lead to the writers being blackballed from daytime). So I'm not even surprised that this latest "twist" is as bad as it is. What I AM surprised about is the fact that no angry mobs have started to picket ABC in protest of this crime against humanity.

I mean...Amanda and Jake fake the baby's death, going so far as to have a funeral with fake ashes. Liza, who had been pregnant with a pillow, got what she thought was Amanda's baby, but is actually not, and while that has nothing to do with the dumbness of the current story, it is still dumb enough to deserve a mention. Jake had a random woman take care of baby Trevor until it was safe to bring him back to Pine Valley, and then, when they did, they left him in the care of Taylor and dressed him like a girl. And THEN they decided to put leave him in a basket outside of a church where Opal would pretend to find him and call social services, who would then put him in foster care and then Jake and Amanda could legally adopt him.

Let me repeat that:

A group of adults decided that the most logical course of action was to drop a child off outside of a church and then have Opal pretend to find him and call CPS, who would then put him in foster care and Jake and Amanda would legally adopt him, because nothing at all could go wrong at any stage of that plan.

Every single person involved in this clusterfuck is too stupid to live, let alone take care of an infant. Especially because they are all surprised that someone (in this case, Randi, who is also too stupid to take care of an infant) took the baby! YOU LIVE IN PINE VALLEY! CHILDREN THERE ARE KIDNAPPED ON THE REGULAR, YOU EFFING FOOLS! OF COURSE THAT HAPPENED! I HATE YOU ALL.

Poor baby Trevor must be like, "Will things ever work out for me, or am I doomed to be raised by morons for the rest of my life?"


And then the thing happened with the people. You know the thing....the one with Ryan and Erica, that I can't talk about. I WANT to discuss it, if only to put my revulsion in print as a record of my mental state, so that, should I go crazy, my therapist could look and say, "Aha, it was Ryan and Erica that finally did her in", but I CAN'T because I don't want to think about it. Seeing it was bad enough, I don't want to have to remember it, too!


"While I DO enjoy the vaguely disturbing, Gothic wrongness of the whole "Zach and only Zach has access to Kendall" thing,"

Thats one of the things that annoys me about this storyline. I dislike Zach's controlling tendencies and don't want to see a story that lets him indulge them.

If God cares at all about soap operas you two ladies will be hired to fix the sad mess of GH and AMC ASAP. You GET the shows and you are both witty, entertaining writers. Is it wrong to pray about this when our country has bigger fish to fry?
I don't care. I am praying.
Okay, I was a little embarrassed saying it out loud to God... Maybe I will just ask Gloria Monty to put in a good word from now on.

Your Liza comment was priceless. It is really amazing that not only is Liza orange, but Annie is morphing into the same shade.

But I got to agree, the Jake/Amanda storyline is absolutely the WORST thing that Pratt has penned. And that is saying a lot because the man is extremely effective at being incompetent and incapable of writing anything other than "I Love Brian Frons." Just when I thought that Amanda could not become more pathetic, Pratt proves me wrong.

As for the Zach/Kendall storyline, I'm a fan of them both. But the whole misogynistic undertones of the storyline and the show in general (courtesy of Pratt) prevent me from embracing it fully. That's pretty sad because this is the most time that Zach and Kendall have been alone together since Pratt's arrival.

I think Jamie Luner is more Tang-colored.

"Why are Erica and Ryan?"

Damn, you have no answers for me on that one. I need someone to explain this to me like I'm a slow 3 year-old. Since even that is too advanced for Pratt, I have to turn elsewhere for any attempt at an explanation. no luck so far.


"Poor baby Trevor must be like, 'Will things ever work out for me, or am I doomed to be raised by morons for the rest of my life?'"

Nope, because he'll be with his father David soon! :)

LOL on the baby Trevor storyline. What I don't understand is how so many otherwise intelligent people (Tad, Jake) could be so incredibly stupid as to agree to the idea of leaving the baby at the church. What made them think that social services would just let Amanda and Jake adopt the baby as opposed to the other deserving people in Pine Valley who might want to adopt? And how did they plan on actually getting the baby and not having him given to foster parents? And by the way, how is Taylor supporting herself? Brot had to get a job as an orderly (after spending years in the army that was the best he could do?) but Taylor gets to sit at home and do nothing but take care of a baby and make-out with Tad (actually I could go for the making out part. Michael Knight still has it even at 50).

Is it just me, or does it seem like Frons secretly (or maybe not so secretly) really does want soaps to die so he can replace them with cheaper crap. . . and to achieve this end as soon as possible, has decreed that Guza and Pratt must tap the archives of "story ideas these shows should never ever do lest they drive viewers away, or at least to drink"?

Cuz. . . seriously.

Run baby Trevor run! And for shit's sake run in the opposite direction of PC. No good happens to babies there either.

As for Jamie Luner's skin color, my Canadian friends call that Kraft Dinner.

The horror of Debi's wig, WHY OH WHY?!?!?!? Isn't the terrible writing enough punishment for her brilliance?

Is Jamie Luner moving to LA? Two words: High Def

Debbi Morgan's wig looks an awful lot like the wig Lily had on so she could cut off her hair before the cancer got it on Y&R. Both are insanely awful.

At this point, I think baby Trevor would be better of in a tree. Emma can give him tips.

Ryan and Erica.......barf. Who in the whole wide world thinks we want to see Erica make out with her grandson's father? This on top of Annie and Adam....Give me a break! No give both couples a break and switch partners. I'd rather see Annie with Erica and Ryan with Adam! I'd still barf, but at least it wouldn't send me to the hospital!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Jamie Luner doesn't move to LA. She's no Liza!

Is there one s/l that is interesting on AMC right now? Let me get back to you on that, I cann't think of one right now.

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