The One With Resolution!

Finally, General Hospital remembered that it was a soap opera and gave us that classic daytime staple: the Friday cliffhanger. I don't know about you, but I spent the better part of the weekend hoping that today's GH would hurry up and get here so that I could have closure on one of the most intriguing, suspenseful GH moments of late.

Elizabeth: I forgot the cake.

Nikolas: Uh-oh. Did you hear that, boys? No cake. What--

Cameron: Ohh! We're out of here!

I could not wait to see if Cam would get his cake, or if he'd make good on his threat and strike out on his own, as an emancipated minor! Would he, like so many waifs before him, get a job at Kelly's and have awkward conversations with his parents when they dropped in for coffee?

Luckily, it never came to that, as Lucky's field trip with the boys proved successful and they came home with the cake.

Let's all sigh in relief together!

Speaking of sighing in relief, Carly, Sonny, Alexis, and Jax all did the same when Jason and Sam fulfilled their promise and brought Michael and Kristina home safely. No, wait, that hasn't happened yet, because Jason and Sam are too busy recovering from dangerous injuries and also getting it on.

(Related: whenever Jason clutches his wound, he looks like he is about to perform a heartfelt musical number

Is he taking requests? Because if Jason Morgan sang, "My Heart Will Go On" with full on Celine Dion mannerisms, I would not say a bad word about him for a month!)

I have no opinion on who's zoomin' who or what couples are destined to be together, and I don't even mind Jason and Sam reconnecting, but...aren't they supposed to be looking for Michael and Kristina?! Isn't that why Carly shrieked in Alexis's face that Alexis shouldn't dare hire a private investigator because Jason is handling it? He's handling something all right, but that's not going to get Michael and Kristina back to Port Charles!

It would probably be easier to have a handle on Jason and Sam reconnecting if I had any idea what was happening in any of their scenes, which I do not because, as Louise mentioned on Facebook, Steve Burton and Kelly Monaco have been completely unintelligible in their scenes lately and it gets worse on a daily basis. Why do they both whisper so much?! And it's like they feed off of the other person's whispering and whisper even more. Why are the GH directors as hopelessly inept as the writers?! I had been having good luck with the closed captioning, but today even the CC gave up trying to make sense of what these two were saying, so I can only imagine that it was random and poorly-written.

So...Liz and Nikolas, who have been friends and in-laws for years, are now so attracted to each other that they can't be alone together for longer than thirty seconds without dry humping. In the hands of talented writers, we possibly would have been treated to something like "build up" or "logical points of view for each character" that would make it a little less jarring, but as it stands, I'm left going "But...you're not supposed to be...why are you doing that?" whenever they mack.

(I had a similar reaction when I learned that JK Simmons was, in addition to being Dr. Skoda AND Vernon Schillinger, the voice of the Yellow M&M. "But...that's not supposed to be...stop!" To be perfectly honest, I still have a problem watching the M&M commercials without yelling, like, "Santa, watch out! He is going to psychoanalyze you and then spew racial epithets!")

At any rate, the awkwardness following their kiss was not lost on the ever perceptive Jake, who, upon returning from Lucky's field trip to go get cake, gave a quick glance in Nik's direction and then turned and gave a "Not with my momma, you're not" face that pleased me greatly.

I've spent the better part of the afternoon having chest pains, by the way. This is surely because I am being suffocated by the weight of the GH writers making clever references to the Dominante situation at every possible opportunity, practically shouting, "GET IT? DO YOU GET IT NOW? WHAT ABOUT NOW? HERE'S ANOTHER SUBTLE ALLUSION, DID YOU GET THAT ONE? AWESOME, RIGHT? GET IT? HAHA, WE ARE AWESOME!"

Carly: No, I want you to hear me out. I think you're better than all this. You seem like a solid guy. I mean, and you just--it's a waste. I mean, you want to be a criminal? You want to throw your whole life away?

GET IT? Because Dominante is NOT a criminal, and he is NOT throwing his whole life away! HA!

Dominante: Now you're starting to sound like my mom.

Carly: I'd probably like her.

GET IT? Because Carly DOES know his mother and like her!

Dominante: Well, I don't know if Sonny deserves all the credit. You seem like a pretty strong-willed and courageous woman to me.

GET IT? Because Carly is strong-willed and awesome!

I am SO READY for this secret to be revealed. I can't take many more of the writers' clever inside jokes, and I surely can't take much more of Olivia's eyes bulging out  in panic every time someone interacts with Dominante.

That facial expression is straight out of a silent movie where the heroine has the vapors. Way to not at all hide the fact that you have a huge, life altering secret, Liv!

Sonny: Can you believe how many home runs they're hitting out of that park?

Morgan: I know. I mean, A-Rod went deep twice, and then Johnny Damon--I mean, he hit one out. And then in the ninth, Jeter made his move, and that pretty much sealed the deal.

Sonny: I saw the same highlight.

Morgan: Oh, you mean the one where he backhanded it, and he was all, like, he almost fell over, and then he got up and gunned it to Teixeira. I think I'm gonna tell my coach that I want to play shortstop.

Dear GH,

The Yankees are currently leading the AL East and I'd like to keep it that way. Please stop mentioning them on your show, as I am reasonably sure that being associated with your poison in any way will jinx them.

XOXO,

Mallory

And then Claudia offered to get pregnant with another future serial killer:

Claudia: You know. That's not something you've ever been able to be before--honest, live honestly. You said so yourself. At least with me, you know that you can be. Because... I would never raise our son or daughter to fear you or what you do. Or son or daughter would be your heir and would be proud of you and the life that we all live and that we built together. You know, I know that you love your children. But you don't really know them, Sonny. And that's not your fault. These different women that you've chosen to be with in your life, they don't understand your life the way that I do. They don't know. I know. This is the first time you'd be able to have a child... That was really yours. 

Because...that's...a...moving gesture? Would we call that moving? It's a gesture at any rate. Well, it's actually more of a cry for help than it is a gesture, even, but at any rate, if we're in for more Sonny/Claudia sex scenes, I'm...well, I'm not out, but I am cranky in advance!

*Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason

Comments

[Bourgeois Nerd]

OMG, did they ACTUALLY have Claudia SAY that?!?!? God I'm glad I shitcanned this awful, awful show, because that would have given me a for real-real aneurysm.

Also, is Spencer suddenly not 40 now? Guess that's why Nik doesn't keep him in the garrote anymore and actually lets him out to play with other children.

[Beth R.]

I'd have rather watch an hour of Lucky running errands with his boys than anything else.

Is anyone else having uncomfortable rememberances of Nik/Courtney when Nik/Liz interact? or is that just my Nik retch acting up?

[S.B.]

"Is anyone else having uncomfortable rememberances of Nik/Courtney when Nik/Liz interact? or is that just my Nik retch acting up?"

I thought it was just me. To me, it is like the same thing, except slightly less disgusting because at least Lucky wasn't blamed for not being able to get over being raped quick enough. But besides that, if you replace Emily with Lucky it is the same exact thing to me. If they wanted to Liz and Nik they should've made it slower and when Liz was single and not trying to get back with Lucky. It is disgusting and I hate how the writers are ruining the four musketeers for this. But mostly I hate how Lucky is always getting screwed over. Why don't they just shoot Lucky in the head and end his misery?

[Louise]

Oh Mallory I have been thinking the SAME thing about all the baseball talk! At first it made me enjoy Morgan and Dominante more, up until I realized that all of a sudden Sonny Corinthos is allegedly a Yankees fan. No thank you, Sonny! You kill or maim everything you love! (Also, didn't we all love the super clever GET IT? thrown into that scene -- Dante and his papa were both shortstops! Isn't that sweet?) (Um, the answer is HELL NO.)

I did like it when Jax told Olivia she needs to work on her poker face, though. Understatement of the character arc.

As for the demon child... I mean, Claudia's speech was *intended* to make us terrified at the prospect of a child between them, right? It had to be, right? I mean... right?

Nik and Liz NO.

[Simone]

Mallory, we are freaking twins! I posted on TWOP that during the show I yelled at the screen that Guza was jinxing the Yankees by mentioning them on his sucky show. He better stop it. If he thinks that soap fans are wacked, he will find out that there is nothing worse than a mob of angry Yankee fans.

[valmir]

I could not believe the garbage that Claudia was speaking today. Sonny needs to kick her out the house now or hide his condoms before she gets to them.

I really don't care who ends up with Jason, just glad to see him do something besides "stare".

I cannot get into Nik and Liz because there is no story, they are ready to "do it" for some reason. My prediction is that Liz will be looking the worst when all this is said and done. GH absolutely does not know what to do with her character besides give her to someone that already taken. It's like lets just throw her here and see where she sticks. I really think its time for this actress to consider leaving this show.

[nikki]

aaww.. I can't be the only one that actually likes Liz and Nic! I think I like Liz with anybody though...always liked the Liz character for some reason.

I must agree that the "I'm a cop/ I'm Sonny's son" allusions were seriously crap. Jeez Guza WE GET IT! And I have nothing to say about Claudia... I skipped her scenes today as I've been for about a month. I'm sorry..that character ain't working man!

[nina]

Claudia oh my what a psycho. That dialogue I have no comment.

Nik and Liz yuck. Why can't they write a decent story for Liz. THis is disgusting and it's not a story just a stupid Guza sleazefest all for what.

[freakish]

You guys rule. It's been something like a year and a half since I last watched GH, but your blog remains a highlight. I can't read at work though because I laugh inappropriately and get funny looks from my co-workers.

Keep up the excellent work!

[chelsea]

i know why jasam are deeply dedicated to their ongoing whipsering competition in the dark

you see-steve burton has admitted he is just doing a job and has no real passion or interest in the character or the show anymore--so he and kelly don't care what happens in PC as long as they get paid

but this wacky jasam reunion is so random and terribly written they turned filming it into a whispering contest to hide the batshit dialogue! and some crew guy is helping them out further by turning off most of the lights so we don't even have to really see much of it let alone hear it!

sadly i have picked up a few words & i admit they confuse me-it seems they are reminiscing about their last trip to maui--where he was dying by choice instead of getting medical care and he didn't remember her but was deciding to bang her until he died cuz, why the hell not? they played games w/ super soakers cuz they are incapable of even going to the beach to have a deathcation without some kind of gunplay--he is sensitive about his hair?!?!?! and manny tried to sexually assault sam and shot jasons knees out....

they are romatisizing all that & it is making them horny.....

can i get a WTF combined w/ an ewwww

[Sarah]

The arrival of the cake was a huge relief for me as well. Cam's too cute to sling chili @ Kelly's. And I was afraid Liz was going to offer up a batch of her blessed brownies instead of the cake. I hope her brownie days are over. They are NOT donuts and she is NOT Alice Horton.

Soaps may be melting my brain ;-O

I was totally onboard w/ you Mallory, and Chelsea too. Then it occured to me that Jason hasn't hit anything since Jake was conceived. Has he been celibate for nearly 3 years? Ouch, he needs a backup stable of hookers like Sonny's. No wonder he is always shooting off his gun. Maybe once he bangs Sam he can get back to searching for the naughty teens in Cancun.

If Sonny had taught him better in the ways of mob boss livin' [mistresses and hookers always in addition to wives exes and girlfriends] Jason wouldn't be too horny to rescue his boss's runaway teens right now.

As for Claudia, too disgusting for words.

[Sally]

What Chelsea said!

I have FF'd every JaSam scene because I couldn't see them or understand anything they were whispering.

[Carina]

Olivia pisses the hell out of me.

I want to steal Dominante away from her. I would be the evil daughter-in-law.

Anyhoo, the worst part was her getting mad at Jax for not doing anything about the situation. It's your freaking kid, Olivia, you should be the one to fix the situation.

[Louise]

Also, why on earth should Jax want to help a criminal stay out of prison? Because he loves the criminal's children? That's a good reason to want him IN prison, because those children might finally be safe.

[Mike]

Although my GH viewing has been spotty the last few years, I have to say that one of the biggest problems I've had is the stories that come out of nowhere with little to no buildup. This whole Liz / NIkolas story came out of nowhere is just barreling to the next plot point. It's like the writers came up with the idea on a Friday and decided "hey, we'll lay the groundwork next week - maybe stretch it for two, but that's going to get boring. Then by the third week, it should be a full affair."

I remember when Jax was getting interested in Courtney. I tuned out for about two months and the next thing I know, Jax and Courtney are married and Elizabeth is having their baby. I was like, WTH???? THEN, I turn around and the baby is gone and Nik and Courtney are having an affair ( which, I think was the point of the baby part, to get to the Nik / Courtney part - which, was the reason everything was just speeding along so quickly). Who cares if it makes sense, to the writers, its just about moving the pieces around as quickly as possible to get to the plot they want to show.

[Erin]

The Yankees thing has another level of bad to it, I can now totally see Red Sox fans thinking this justifies all their feelings of the inate evilness of the Yankees, I mean if Sonny likes them they must be evil.

[Sina]

For the Nik/Liz story to go right, they should have had Nik remember the time he wanted Liz. After Lucky died, he developed feelings for Liz but she went with Jason. And then a second time Helena wanted Nik with Liz so they had to pretend to be together. They should have had Nik remember that or something instead of them suddenly having feelings.

[KLe]

Mallory: The Yankees are currently leading the AL East and I'd like to keep it that way.

Me: But...you're not supposed to be...why are you doing that!

Oh, Mallory. In the immortal and haunting, yet inexplicably hilarious, words of Nancy Kerrigan, "WHYYYY?!"

However, because you are so awesome, I will let this unfortunate affection for the Evil Empire slide (no pun intended).

[Lauren]

Jason hasn't been celibate, he had sex a few more times with Liz. I won't even watch the Jasam stuff, mostly because I'm STILL a disgruntled Liason fan, but also because the Jason Morgan I've watched for 13 years would never get back with someone who endangered his child. While he's at it, why doesn't he ask Liz if Manny Ruizcan adopt Jake, and ask Carly to name her and Jax's child after Luis Alcazar?

Ugh.

[Mary]

For the record, Jason was dilirious and thought he was in Hawaii with Sam when the brain thing was going to kill him. he was drifting in and out of lucidity. Also, it makes sense that they're whispering for several reasons: Jason is weak, they're in a church, and they're hiding so they wouldn't want to attract attention. I was happy to see Jason and Sam have sex, because Steve Burton is pretty hot with his shirt off, especially in that light. I did think it was funny that one minute he could barely walk on his own power, and the next he's got Sam's legs wrapped around his waist and he's carrying her to the bed.

[Nicole]

Love the site...but after the last two years, Jason and Sam will never make sense. Luckily, there are the numerous "bitch please" faces by Jake and Cameron in the direction of Ms. Kidnapababy McCall to reinforce this. The writers are lazy, and their idea of "storytelling" and "plot twists" absolutely unbearable. Liz and Nikolas....COME ON!