The Horror! The Horror!

I cannot even.

Once today's All My Children ended and I mustered up enough energy to close my mouth, which had fallen open in an expression of slack-jawed horror, I tried to think of how to describe the events that transpired in the episode's last few minutes, not because I relish the opportunity to talk about the events that transpired because, in all honesty, I'd rather repress the memory, even if it required being administered some heavy duty narcotics, but I feel it necessary to provide a written record of being a witness to one of the most profoundly disturbing television events of all time.

Obviously, I could call for the usual "EW", "WTFNoooooooooo!" "glurg", "I just threw up in my mouth" and "If there were a bottle of Clorox sitting next to me while I watched the show, I would have used it to blind myself", but those don't quite do it justice.

Or I could wonder how much ABC will inevitably charged by the FCC for broadcasting such filth. If Janet Jackson's Superbowl nipple got a $550,000 fine, I figure this would easily garner a million, if not more.

Or I could "congratulate" Charles Pratt on besting General Hospital and The Young and the Restless in the sweepstakes for "Most Vile Coupling", taking the title from Claudia and Sonny, and Victor and Ashley, respectively, but I am uncomfortable offering Charles Pratt congratulations of any kind, even if they are purely sarcastic, because you just know he is the type who doesn't get sarcasm and would happily take it as a real compliment.

OR I could mention that Ryan and Erica...Ryan and Ericaing completely got me over my shock and dismay over the liaison that happened on last night's Mad Men, but, surprising and strange as that hookup was (I'm keeping it vague so as not to spoil any people who have not seen it yet, but for those of you who have: ???, amirite?), it didn't make me actively want to injure myself, while Ryan and Erica...Ryan and Ericaing had me attempting to MacGyver two pens, a few paper clips and a piece of gum into a machete.

This may sound melodramatic, but the best way to describe the end of today's show is: MY SOUL DIED. I'm so sorry that its last moments were so upsetting.

After the jump, a clip, for those who dare!

The frenzied making out! The touching! The mounting! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!

Comments

[Jillian]

I get the horror, I just don't get how you can stand to write about it instead of watching HIMYM.

[Caitlin]

Wow. They warned us but I thought they would have the decency to let Erica come to her senses before it went this far...wishful thinking I know because the people that run this show are idiots!! Erica is way too awesome to get sucked in by Ryan's vomit inducing charm or whatever they try to say that character has. Until this sickening display of PDA comes to a halt and Ryan jumps of his cliff for real, I'm not watching.

[Mallory]

Ha! Jillian, this was mostly done before HIMYM started, I just had to proof it. I would never miss a second of that show! (Stripper Lily--I die, in the good way).

[Sarah]

It's definitely time to consult some lawyers. Pratt and Guza and their many henchmen need to be sued on behalf of all viewers whose souls have been murdered from exactly this kind of callous reckless evil vomit worthy crap.

I am not litigious by nature, but they must pay for this cruelty.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

I turned on the very end of the SoapNet AMC repeat because I watch OLTL right after, and when they showed Ryan and Erica making out and my mother, who was passing by and used to watch ABC soaps but hasn't for years, said disgustedly, "That is gross on so many levels. She's old enough to be his grandmother!" And exaggeration, to be sure, especially since Cameron Mathison is looking kinda rough lately, but the sentiment made me laugh because it was just something I could picture y'all saying.

[SwanSinger]

I embrace the suspension of disbelief required to enjoy soaps. But "believing" Erica and Ryan is above my brain's capacity. I'm so glad I abandoned this crap show for Days.

[Jessica]

I spent most of Sunday trying not to throw up, but then I got over that stomach bug or whatever and was very happy to be able to keep food in my stomach.

Then I made lunch today and watched AMC. Needless to say, the urge to gag once again overpowered me. I couldn't help myself from yelling, "STOP! STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" at my tv. Because that was just...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. *shudder*

I'm also kind of sad that the Danceathon is over. Now I actually have to pay attention when I fast forward through the whole show and watch for something other than bad dancing and tired facial expressions. Damnit!

[Sue]

I turned on the show to see what was going on because I haven't watched in a while. OMG did AMC really have to go there? On GH it works with Olivia and Johnny. On AMC Erica and Ryan is just disgusting. Now I know why I gave up on this show a year ago.

[Dirk Mancuso]

I quit watching when they killed Dixie.

Of course, if I hadn't stopped watching then, I would've the second I saw the words "written by Charles Pratt, Jr."

The man is a hack.

[buddz]

My first reaction was to recoil in horror, too, but when I peeked through my fingers and saw the passionless kisses, it became funny. I imagined the director giving them instructions: "Kiss on the left, Ryan, turn your head Erica, so I can see your profile, now bend back back back. Good. Now try opening your mouth a little, Ryan [and seeing a dribble of saliva] - CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT!

"Now, pull at his shirt, both of you, make your fingers into claws and let's see some panting!" [Then next scene, with both of them facing the other direction and with the teeshirt STILL ON] "Bend back back back, don't break anything! Uh-oh, turn this way, a little, let's see that profile . . ."

HI-larious!

[Alice]

I was doing some work with the TV on and just in my consciousness, I realized that Erica and Ryan were getting it one. I felt physically sick and quickly reached for the remote so I would not have to watch/hear any more. Is this how you build a soap audience?

[Jillian]

Mallory,
maybe now you can recap HIMYM also since Lily had that classic soap line of 'You kill me off?!'
I think it's an awe-some :::saying it like Barney::: idea esp. since most of your posts bash GH and AMC (I'm not complaining, I loveee reading your hilarious rants), but it would be nice to read something happy once a week. =]

[Kaylee]

Would love to see a HIMYM recap! Especially since Greg Vaughnn just announced on Twitter that he's off GH as of yesterday.

[KathyNYC]

There is something so wrong about one grown man "feeling romantic" (I am being polite here) about a mother, her daughter and step daughter..all in approx a six month time period. Not that it would be any better spread over years, but the impact might be somewhat disappated. Eye bleach is not strong enough.

We hear Ryan rush Erica out of the finale of the dance marathon..the one done for the poor starving children in Africa (who were obviously hired to pimp Ryan and Erica)..so Ryan and Erica could continue what they had started..

Well that's the Ryan that I know and love..(she said, dripping with sarcasm).

And then to hear Ryan say to Erica, "to hell what anyone else thinks... ..we won't let what anyone else thinks color what we want to do."

This must be the reason everyone at AMC seems to love Ryan so much. He speaks for the writers..who cares what anyone else thinks. Exactly.

[anonymous]

I'm not a fan of Ryan and Erica at all. I don't mind the age difference but they have no chemistry and Ryan annoys me. That being said I prefer to see them togther than Ryan with Kendall.

[kadie]

it was awful, but my joy over the end of that TWO WEEK dance contest overshadowed my disgust. Yeah, I really hated that storyline.

[Dawn]

Dude, were they on a MATTRESS at the end of that clip? Wow. Just... wow. Or something. Also: ew.