Poor Choices in Port Charles

I won't ask what General Hospital related decision is the worst.

Mostly because the obvious answers are, naturally, (a) our decision to continue watching this show rather than kicking it to the curb and filling the 3-4 PM timeslot with something far more entertaining, such as sitting through a rerun of Law & Order that we've already seen 78 times, or seeing how long we can stare at a wall before blinking and (b) ABC Daytime's decision to continue to employ General Hospital's writing and production staffs despite the fact that the crap that they churn out is offensive to everyone, everywhere on every level.

And also because, when it comes to the choices of the denizens of Port Charles, there are just too many poor choices to choose from since, in lieu of doing things like "giving characters a point of view" or "writing a story that is actually good", the writers have characters do half-witted things in order to start, extend or end the latest hours of illogical crap that they are trying to pass off as "storylines".

But I think we can all agree that every story from today's GH can be summed up with, "Poor Choice, [Character Name]!"

Actually, let me rewind for a second and start off on a positive note: Decidedly Not Poor Choice, GH Wardrobe Department!

That cardigan is amazingly cute. I want to own it and wear it with pink ballet flats. 

I do, as I may have mentioned, have a serious cardigan addiction. They make me happy. If I were to compile a list of my five favorite things about fall, cardigans would be number one (5. Halloween Candy  4. Thanksgiving  3. Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks 2. Postseason Baseball 1. Cardigans), although I do wear them all year round, so it's not solely a fall thing.

And my mother has gotten me hooked on Criminal Minds and I feel like at least a third of my enjoyment comes from marveling at how adorable Matthew Gray Gubler is in Dr. Reid's variety of cardigans (also, I know that it is because MGG broke his leg in real life, but I have to state for the record that Reid on crutches may be the most precious thing ever).

So I give two enthusiastic thumbs up to this fantastic sweater!

As far as Liz's storyline goes, I am giving two enthusiastic fingers up to that as well! It's just that the two fingers can't be held up in polite company...

Poor Choice, Elizabeth and Nikolas!

Elizabeth: We are the people that Lucky loves and trusts most in this world. Whether we tell him the truth or not, we've betrayed him on so many levels.

Nikolas: You and Lucky are getting married. You'll eventually put it behind you.

ENORMOUS betrayal of a loved one is something that, eventually, won't really matter one way or another once enough time has passed*! Good to know, Nikolas!

*Granted, in this case, he is probably correct, because nothing on this show matters once enough time has passed, and entire histories are rewritten on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

Elizabeth: This is crazy. I mean, after all this time. But I can't stop thinking about you.

Nikolas: God, you're beautiful. I really wish it could be different.

Elizabeth: But it can't.

The only thing worse than the Liz/Nik thing coming out of nowhere is the writers trying to spin it as though, "No, seriously, this has always been simmering under the surface for, like, a really long time, except for all of those times that it wasn't".

Poor Choice, Lucky!

Oh, Lucky. My darling, beautiful, woefully dim Lucky. Granted, Liz IS sending him terrible mixed signals, but half the time, she reacts to him with discomfort and has said the phrase "Take it slow" about eleventy times, and he interprets this as "You know what would be fantastic? A surprise party celebrating us!"

And doubly sad was how proud he looked of the entire thing.

And, really, he should be damn proud of himself for getting BOBBIE and LESLEY and AUDREY on the show at the same time OMG! 

I can only imagine the mass hysteria that the writers had as they tried their hardest to prevent these women from appearing on camera and reminding viewers of their existence.

Poor Choice, Michael!

There has been an Olivia Overload on the show of late, and I admit that part of me sympathizes with Michael for snapping at her, because I totally want to, but...

Michael: Oh, so if you had known, you just would have waited and then trashed Claudia then?

Olivia: Um, it's complicated, Michael.

Michael: No, it seems pretty simple to me. I think, you know, you guys grew up together and now it just upsets you that he's with Claudia.

Shut the sassmouth, child! Most of the time, Michael's brattiness doesn't bother me and I usually find it realistic, but there are times that I wish he was still in a coma, and this is one of them.

Also, if you're going to be a jerk to anyone who disapproves of Sonny and Claudia's relationship, you're going to have to go door-to-door to be a jerk to the entire viewing public! Luckily, that won't take you more than twenty minutes.

Poor Choice, Claudia!

What poor choice am I referring to? Her insane plot to get pregnant by Dominante? Her ludicrous scheme to keep Olivia away from the brother she loves in a creepy way? Her twisted and revolting love for her brother? Her unfathomably terrible choice in clothes? Let's be real, everything about this woman is terrible and while I normally roll my eyes at this show's habit of sending characters out of town in a body bag, I am eagerly awaiting the day that we are done with her for good. Or at least done with her until the show tries to get us to pretend that she didn't actually die, or until the show brings Sarah Brown back again as a different character.

I did love Dominante's "The hell?" face he made as he watched the obviously unhinged Claudia crazily grasp at crazy straws in crazy town.

Poor Choice, Sonny!

To be honest, I didn't pay any attention to Sonny today, aside from the confrontation with Michael and Olivia, and I have no idea if he actually made terrible decisions, but since this is Sonny we're talking about, I feel that I am safe in assuming that he did.

Poor Choice, James Franco!

I keep getting more and more nervous for James Franco's GH debut, in terms of how bad his story will be and in how many ways I will twist logic trying to praise something that he is involved in. Why couldn't he have picked a better soap to join?!

I am guessing that this

is going to be part of his storyline. Right? It has the same vaguely intriguing air to it that so many stories on this show start with before they eventually devolve into character assassinating, never-ending lameitude.

Poor Choice, Helena!

I usually love anything and everything Helena related, but her taunting of Lucky and Ethan today was unforgivable, since it...well, it made me enjoy Ethan.

Ethan: Whatever secret you're selling, sweetheart, I'm not interested.

Helena: That's very disappointing. Well, it seems you'll have to learn the awful truth from someone else.

Lucky: I'm sorry to spoil your fun. Let's get out of here while we still can.

Ethan: Yeah, that's the best idea I've heard all day.

Hells Bells, Hells, between you and Nikolas, it's like the sole function of the Cassadine family these days is to make me like Ethan, albeit half-heartedly. 

Poor Choice, Show!

Who on earth made the decision to have Bruce Weitz act normally today? They deserve to lose their job!

He was in multiple scenes and yet I saw no absurdly contorted faces or flying spittle. What the hell is this crap? Nobody likes a relatively subdued Anthony Zacchara! Granted, I like a crazed Anthony Zacchara for all the wrong reasons, but still! Liking something is liking something!

Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason!

Comments

[Hillary]

I have... almost completely given up on this show. When the best part of the week is seeing Audrey, Lesley, and Bobbie onscreen for a horrendously ill-advised party, there's a serious problem.

Also, I'm loving your Criminal Minds love. MGG is totes adorable, and Criminal Minds is a kickass show. As always, thanks for the hilarious post!

[Roxanne]

I too have recently become addicted to Criminal Minds. MGG can rock cardigans, crutches, anything really like nobody's business. Reid makes up at least 75% of my enjoyment of the show.

The less said about GH, the better. I hate myself that I will begin daily DVR-ing with Jonathan Jackson comes back.

[Andrea]

Yay for the Criminal Minds love!!! Seriously, go watch Matthew Gray Gubler's Unauthorized Documentaries on youtube. They are hilarious and will make you love MGG even better.

And I haven't watched today's episode, but I know I'll already agree with basically everything you said.

[Carina]

pumpkin spice lattes are the BEST!!!!

Roar!!!

the liz and nik storyline is the worst. even worse than Sex-drive Claudia

[Sarah]

When Dante was turning down Claudia I wanted him to say one of the many reasons he was refusing to impregnate her crazy ass is that helping Satan reproduce is never a good idea!

One thing I am curious to see when Lucky morphs from GV to JJ is how they will write him. Will Lucky suddenly out of nowhere gain a brain a clue and a major storyline? Weird right? GV will be hugging Liz thinking all is super groovy and when he pulls away JJ will give her the evil eye and have a huge story about Cassadines and his betrayers (wife & bro) and now Lucky will lean on Luke for support and advice too? Freaky shit, GV got screwed.

I miss BW's crazy hair!!!!! AZ subtle is pointless on GH. He's the bad mobster and must be insane 24/7 to prove what gods Sonny & Jason are.....sad & stupid..... That's Guza GH.

[Sina]

Well Nik did fall for Liz years ago like in 2000. So maybe all those years he still carried a torch for her?

[amiejayne]

I hate to say it, but I've been enjoying GH more the last couple weeks than in a long time.

Of course, there are some sucky storylines going on right now, but I really like Dante, one of the few characters who lives by his moral principles, while also making me like Lulu again.

I'm also really enjoying Sam and Jason together again, words I thought I'd never hear myself say. Them getting arrested for prostitution and STILL not being willing to admit they're back together was hilarious.

I hate every scene with Claudia, but her blackmail has led to some amazing material for Johnny and Olivia, plus Johnny drunk and trying to comfort Carly was real entertainment. Add more of Coleman than we've seen in quite some time, and I'm hooked. I also really adore the family man that Patrick has turned into.

Granted, I'm bound to be disappointed again soon, but if they get rid of Claudia, I can overlook at least as much as I've already overlooked in the past several years.

On the whole, and given that it's not much of a competition, nor is it consistent by any means, some of the writing has been far better lately than we've seen in months, if not years.

[Tabby]

I wanted to see the veterans today, not some fast blip of them on the screen. This just sucks. I grew up watching these women. They are supposed to look old...I just don't get why the hell we can't see them and have time with them. Maybe tomorrow? Oh well, # this show. Excuse my hormonal post :(

[Kat]

I have a request of the DJ's. :) PLEASE talk about the interview that Greg Vaughn did with Michael Fairman! He laid some things out about the backstage environment at GH.

[Mallory]

Okay, first of all, I love that there is always at least one person here who backs up my latest pop culture love affairs, from Mike Cutter to Spencer Reid. You guys rule.

Kat, wasn't that amazing?! A post on it will be done at some point this week.

Tabby, maybe we'll see more of them at the rest of Liz and Lucky's ill-fated party? I hope so, at any rate.

[izzi]

i laughed so hard when you recapped Claudia's bad choices! This blog remains a must-read.

[Louise]

I also love how they're totally recycling dialogue from Nik/Emily. "God you're beautiful, I wish it could be different" is lifted directly from Emily's cheating on Zander with Nik. Sorry kids, not buying it. Also, his referencing the "night they spent together" is pretty amusing, since from what I saw they had very unpleasant sex on the floor and couch and then she took off. She didn't spend the night, Nik!

[ruthie]

BOOBIE was on the show Monday? when? where? not on my hdtv.

[Barbara]

I like cardigans too and that is a cute one. As for Reid he is adorable although I wouldn't send Morgan packing either for that matter. I tend to make fun of the hair on my soap blog but sometimes the clothes just beg to be made fun of.

[Kristina]

I NEED that cardigan that Liz was wearing today! If you find out where to get it, please post! =)

[saw]

amiejayne: I completely agree... Though I am a few days behind in viewing. I DVR the whole week and binge watch on a Friday night, but lately I have been enjoying GH.

Yes, Claudia is horrid, can't wait for her character to exit. But I am liking a building Dominic and Lulu story, a calmer Carly, a few funny premature labor hospital scenes with Johhny an Coleman (though 6 weeks early is not a high risk emergency, I have a healthy daughter to prove that) more Alexis screentime, good Patrick and Robin sexy bonding time and an entertaining Sam and Jason reunion. Though I'm sorry, I didn't find that whole "arrested for prostitution" skit funny. It was insulting to me, out of place, and pretty pointless. Two scenes later they were back at the stupid hotel room.

I still FF through Sonny and Claudia scenes, and more recently through all of Michael's temper tantrum scenes too, so when you eliminate that much mess, you've got some pretty good (ok pretty all-right...) GH viewing.

[KLe]

Oh, Mallory, you are not alone. I have a bit of a cardigan addiction myself. I also have a slight argyle fetish. Basically, all it takes is an argyle cardigan to rock my world.

[no relation to steve]

Look, I like Coleman, but why do we see ten times more of him than of Dr. Matt Hunter? Can we just give the kid a CHANCE?

On the other end of the spectrum, here's to BB for Johnny's look of skeeved out horror when he walked into Claudia's hotel room of champagne and strawberries seduction and -- just for a moment -- thought it was meant for him.

Also to Audrey, who is beautiful and perfect and I'm glad to see let out of her cage in the ABC dungeon for her yearly consitutional.

P.S. Right on for fall + cardigans = instant charm!

[T Hunt]

I spit my juice out reading your Bruce Weitz comments. Classic! For real. Crazy is his bread and butter. Don't mess with what's working.

Oh and I agree. The worst thing the Cassadines have done all year is make me like Ethan. For that, Nik and Hellzy should both suffer. Thank God that with the departure of GV as Lucky that I'll just be ignoring that whole storyline.

[Kim]

General Hospital sucks, I can not even bring myself to watch it anymore. I flip over once in a blue moon and if Dante is on OMG I will watch, but ANYONE ELSE I keep clicking the remote. He is so freaking awesome, gold mine, he should have started on a show that is good, he could rule daytime!!! Love, Love, Love criminal minds best show on tv. Dr. Reid rocks!!!

[Michelle]

Holy crap I thought I was the only one recently turned by Criminal Minds and Reid! I DVR every episode now. Craziness!