"Who ARE you people?!" (This Week in Llanview)

I'm going start by letting Brody express my feelings on this week of One Life to Live, not only because it's appropriate, but also because:

He just keeps getting hotter and more awesome.

In the Den of Torture that is Rex/Gigi/Stacy/Schuyler/Kim, Stacy and Kim's latest scheme to break up Rex and Gigi started to work.  Somehow it never occurred to anyone that it was a little suspicious when Kim, Stacy's best friend, was all of a sudden showing romantic interest in Schuyler -- very publicly.  Thankfully Schuyler wised up and saw that the whole thing was a ruse (isn't it refreshing?  He was the one who caught on to the Stacy's-fake-stem-cells plan, too, even though it took a little too long) and the Stripper Twins were perfectly pleased to accept responsibility, proudly.  Meanwhile, in Dumb As A Box of Rocks Town, Rex and Gigi took the bait and walked right into the trap, as usual.  Is there anyone left who finds these people sympathetic?  It's getting to the point that I'm rooting for Stacy.  (Okay, it's more like I'm rooting for Kim.)  They've been fighting for months, they are (as I've mentioned before) the dumbest people alive, and they make us sit through this:

I don't really know how much more of this I can take.  When John-Paul Lavoisier was first on the show, he was one of my favorite actors.  I really don't know what happened.  Part of me still clings to hope that he's not really a bad actor, he's just decided (or has been guided into deciding) that this buffoon is Rex and that he's just being consistent.  Regardless, it's unbearable.  Farah Fath is not exactly Meryl Streep, but she is far more watchable in scenes where Gigi is with Schuyler or Kim.  Can we please just put this couple to rest?

Elsewhere, Nora was shocked and appalled that Matthew had done a little research on The Internets! to try to find a surgeon now that Greg has totally un-melodramatically pronounced that he must never operate again.  She showed Bo the pages that Matthew had printed out like they were anthrax-covered evidence of something, and then mocked the idea of internet research as if Matthew had in fact gone to www.doityourselfoperations.com and ordered a home surgery kit for Destiny to operate on him.  OH NO, NOT THE INTERNET!!!!  (Um, where she and Bo did research months ago to learn more about the surgery.)  But what this led to was one of the more disturbing things I've really ever seen and which necessitated Matthew's very apt line, "Who are you people?!"  Because Bo and Nora smiled at Matthew, told him they were finally going to support him (because it had been decided by a court of law!) and were going to go with him to Seattle to get the surgery (are we to believe that they otherwise wouldn't have gone with him???), gave him more hope and joy than he's felt in months, blocked anyone else from access to the plane trip, got a pilot to lie for them, and then...

...just super-casually told him they're flying him to London, so he's out of a jurisdiction where he can enforce the court order that allows him to have the surgery.  And sending him to boarding school!  And when Matthew had the nerve to tell them to "turn this damn plane around," well...

...Nora was just shocked!  How could he be angry?  How could he swear?  C'mon, Matthew, it's no biggie!  Your parents are just essentially kidnapping you, finding ways around the law that says you can make this choice for yourself, taking you away from all your friends and family, and stowing you away at an English boarding school till you've lost so much muscle that the surgery would no longer work!  Apparently, he just needed "a change of scenery."  Listen, even though I've been on Matthew's side during most of this storyline, I've still had empathy for Mom and Dad -- it's scary stuff.  I get it.  But nope.  No more.  Frankly, at this point I hope Matthew does tell Clint that his parents made out the night before the wedding, and that somehow Clint is bestowed the title of King of Everything and his first order of business as King of Everything is to ruin Bo and Nora's lives.  And really, you don't find a much bigger Bo and Nora fan than me.  I wept when they kissed a few months ago; I felt like I'd been waiting half my life for it.  Ouch.

Of course at the end of the day, the whole point of that storyline is to put Matthew in a boarding school with the Secret Holy Child of All That is Holiest (seriously, if that kid were a little younger he should have play-dates with Jacob Martin WebberSpencerMorgan of General Hospital), that being the offspring of Tea and Todd.  Or Tea and Ross, but probably Tea and Todd.  Because Tea needed to "hide" her secret child -- and how in the world could anyone find someone in... England?  And we know about this because...

...she keeps a brochure of her son's boarding school in her briefcase.  Where she keeps a special phone to call him from.  And they have a very cozy relationship ("Hey honey, it's Mom, whatcha doin'?"), so it's pretty much back to square one with this storyline as far as I'm concerned.  She is apparently an active, involved parent.  Huh?  Who is protecting her son from his evil father by... marrying him?  (Is the evil father the rapist and borderline-sociopath Todd or the kidnapper-for-hire Ross?  Either way, she married him.)  And don't get me wrong, despite his history, I find Ross to be a huge breath of fresh air!  And his being so charmed by Blair is doubly excellent.  One thing that helps this storyline:

Oh I do enjoy me some Elijah.  Was I the only one who a little bit thought from the back of his head that random-hotel-hallway dude might be Kyle?  That would've been fun.  

There was a whole heck of a lot more going on this week, some of it delicious, some of it not.  We had the stalker storyline finally making some real headway; apparently Jared is complicit only in the fact that someone has been pulling the strings and possibly blackmailing him or threatening him somehow (someone he knows, judging by the very-soapy "YOU?" at the end of Thursday's show).  Poor Natalie, but I'm loving how everyone started rallying around her when she just came out and asked for help.  We had Brody hilariously mocking Delphina.  We had Shawn waking up from his coma (which was treated as oddly incidental) at the very moment Rachel and Greg were about to do the deed.  We had Dorian scrambling to figure out how to "come out" authentically, made extra-hysterical by David, Blair, and Viki (at her nonplussed best).  We had Fish having a total meltdown and awesomely tasing Ross in Blair's hospital room.

Any (non-spoiler) thoughts on who the mystery man is at the Buchanan lodge?  Anyone able to make heads or tails of the Child-of-Tea situation?  Anyone else always thrilled to have Roxie included in a storyline, no matter how bizarre the tie-in?

Finally, and I know this was the end of the week prior, but I just couldn't let it go unaddressed.  Let's all have a silent moment of respect and indulge in this memorial photo montage of what was perhaps one of the greatest camped-up beautiful soapy-ass events in years:

 

(Best episode title ever?)

 

 

I mean, what else is there to say, really?

Comments

[soapunk]

Tea's screaming when Blair fell out that window was the awesomest , most hilarious thing that has happened on a soap in YEARS. And it further cemented my belief that this is the only soap worth watching anymore.
TeaShriek.jpg needs to become its own meme on this blog, much like Cameron's classic "bitch please".

[Margie]

Umm...I was under the impression that Tea's child was a girl. Soap Opera Digest says her name is Danielle. It makes sense, Matthew and Danielle probably will hook up or at least become friends.

[Louise]

I stand corrected! I try to avoid casting news that would technically reveal spoilers and hadn't read about her, so for some reason I'd been thinking it was a boy -- but it wasn't really for any good reason.

[Chad]

Yeah, Rex has pretty quickly gone from being one of my favorite characters to my least favorite. Maybe it's because Rex has gone from being a kind of sideline character to one who's carrying a lot of story weight, and John-Paul is overcompensating? I don't know, I just miss the Rex who would make snarky comments about everything else going on rather than the current Rex, who is turning into a SNL parody of a soap opera character.

Any (non-spoiler) thoughts on who the mystery man is at the Buchanan lodge?

My first thought was "Mitch Lawrence!", since in my opinion the writers have been dangling his return before the viewers like a carrot for months. But why would he be gaslighting his daughter (unless he's really pissed off about whatever happened the last time Mitch was "killed") and how would Jared recognize him?

So who else might it be? Nash's father or mother, Alison Perkins, Brody (hey, whoever it was looked like he was looking up at Jared!), and Niki Smith (although I really can't imagine they'd do another big Viki DID storyline, given how much the last one pissed the fans off) come to mind. But if I had to bet, it would be on Alison or Mitch.

[audrey]

I COMPLETELY agree with soapunk. Tea's shriek was simultaneously awe-inspiring and comedic genius.

[Sarah]

I love that OLTL is now represented here @ Serial Drama. Yippee for Louise :-) You are an excellent addition.

OLTL is so good right now because it is integrated both by story and cast, historically accurate, soapy dramatic and soapy campy all at the same time. But it is in no way perfect. Rex has become a huge annoying dufus, all the Todd love is just wrong, Stacy is a dreadful evil she devil crazy slut, and many other problems reside happily at OLTL. However, the good far outweighs the bad and the quality cannot be denied. As wacky as it can get, it makes sense. All of that is why ABC needs to follow OLTL's example, JMO.

But Louise I do disagree strongly on one thing you wrote about. Matthew's surgery. High School has not matured this once wise and sweet kid. He knowingly got in a car and demanded a get away ride from an addict, who if I recall correctly told him NOT A GOOD IDEA. But Matthew demanded a lift so he could escape some ugly HS bullying/shame, I don't recall the specifics. But Matthew knew Cole was an addict yet he chose to drive w/ him anyway. NOT THAT I BLAME HIM :-) He's a kid. Which is one reason he shouldn't be allowed to make a huge life or death decision like surgery all by himself.

His parents and doctors reviewed all his options ad nauseam. It was very widely decided there was no way out of this, no mircacle pill or surgery. Then Clint brought in Wonder Doc and Matthew got excited that he may walk again. He still has not accepted that this surgery could very well mean death, or worse, an even more limited life. Dr. Evans is painted as arrogant and godlike so the whole town signs on to risk Matthew's life no matter how risky it is he may very well be worse or dead after this surgery which noone ever thought was a real or safe option.

The problem for me is that medical stories shouldn't be rewritten in the middle. You can't say Bo and Nora and all the best docs they spoke to agreed Matthew was out of viable options then bring in a miracle worker and say otherwise. I like the dramatic conflict, but all the notes have been missed w/inn the family. Matthew never lets his parents or other docs explain how final this surgery will likely be....

It's just all "Bo and Nora are cowards & selfish for wanting their Son to live in a wheel chair". And that strong theme in this story really pisses me off. JMO. But I want to smack Matthew ;-) He seems so ungrateful to be alive and so ready to die if he can't walk. He needs time to mature before risking his life this way. A decision he may not live long enough to regret. For me this story is not balanced and that is my main glitch here.

I rambled again, shit! Thanks Louise for being a OLTL fan and blogger.

[V]

The scene with Tea was definitely on replay here for a times. That was just awesomeness, and I like the Teashriek.com idea. LOL

I agree with everything, but find myself oscillating between your view and Sarah's view on the Bo/Nora/Matthew story. This is just so hard to call.

I love Elihunk. Give me his bare chest ANY DAY instead of Ross's. Please - keep that man dressed. Man boobs are not a turn on - hairy ones at that.

You are so right on about the Rex/Gigi thing. Gosh I am 1000% in agreement with you on this. I used to like Rex and now find him so irritating I have begun to FF him. I still hate Stacy and almost would love to see Schuy and Kim really get it on, Rex/Gigi leave town and Stacy die... anyhow, anyway. Her voice makes my dog cringe. And it seems Schuy and Kim's actors enjoy one another and have great chemistry too. It's a win-win situation.

Oh yes, and I LOVE, and am LOVIN, Brody. He just gets cuter and cuter every day. I'm actually liking Natalie too and this whole stalker storyline.

But yes, you are right on Louise, and thank you for covering my fave soap. I am loving your commentary and those awesome pics. You are a fantastic addition to the SD team.

[Dirk Mancuso]

Gotta say I am NOT liking the obvious impending exit of uber-hunky Jared one little bit. Frankly, I'd rather see waste-of-space Natalie go (she hasn't worth a damn since she stopped being the bad girl and started being nice).

Of course, Matthew will wind up attending the same school as Tea's kid and become fast friends. (I love how Carlavati manages to integrate all the storylines -- he's one of the few remaining soap scribes that can!).

Brody? Um, I'm not feeling it and haven't since the day he appeared. I'd pick Jared over Brody any day of the week.

As for John-Paul Lavosier, I can't help it -- I love him. He can chew all the scenery he wants as long as he keeps looking like he does. (And I may be the only one who will admit this, but the introduction of Kim has gone a long way toward making me interested in Stacy.)

More Oliver and Kyle please!

And what's this b-s I hear about possible cancellation for ABC's best soap?

[jess]

oh, why, hello brody!

right there with you on both JPL and the matthew horror story.

maybe jpl needs some time off to...regroup.

bo and nora, i can't....i don't even know what to say. i understood how terrified they were. but this is unforgivable. and i've been an bo/nora shipper for....forever.

SHAWN! welcome back, buddy.

and the cabin guest.....alison perkins? i would like that. haven't seen her for a while, and she's always a good time.

thanks, Louise, for another great OLTL post!

[Louise]

Chad, I think those are all very good guesses. I'd been thinking Mitch for a while but then thought twice for the exact reasons you listed -- how would Jared know him upon sight, and why would he try to make it look like Jess had "split" again if the motive had been to do her a favor (well, in his mind anyway)? But who knows. I'm psyched to find out, and I like not actually knowing things (unlike, say, the HUGE SHOCKER that Tea's got a secret kid).

Sarah, I agree with your point about the medical backtracking. Bo and Nora had no limit to their resources when looking for a solution, so they should've been able to find it. And now all of a sudden not only can Dr. Greg do this miracle surgery, but so can Dr. Nance and... lord knows who else! What I want is for Matthew to have an adult basically saying, "I'm on your side, let's sit down and research all of this so that you can properly use your court-decreed right to do this." Unfortunately, he has no adults working with him (Tea was just trying to win a case, David was just footing the bill), so he can't get any decent advice (his parents have only provided black-and-white resistance to his knowledge; they didn't tell him when they started to think maybe they'd get on board with Dr. Greg if they had to) -- leaving only his own teenage impetuousness. It's just a lousy situation.

Thanks all for continuing to make me and my OLTL love feel welcome here!

[becky_jean]

I'm not looking forward to the exit of Jared. I've always liked the character. He is the first guy to ever make me like Natalie. As soon as he is gone, I am sure I will return to disliking her and fast forwarding her.

I like Brody as a character but I do not find him hot. He's barely attractive from my perspective and he's stuck with Jessica who bores me to tears so I don't have a lot of reason to watch him.

Schuyler is great, but every other person in that storyline SUCKS. Count me with those who loved Rex at one time, but now, I'd like to see him defenestrated resulting in his death.

I'm fast forwarding through everything that isn't Jared or Schuyler related. The other storylines are not capturing my attention right now.

Those screen caps are sort of hilarious. Way funnier than the actual show.

[Carl]

"Tea's screaming when Blair fell out that window was the awesomest , most hilarious thing that has happened on a soap in YEARS."

She did the same scream a few months ago, when she was shot. Or a silent version. She recycles her mugging. I guess she likes to go green.

JPL is a lousy actor, full of tics. He also looks like a shaved monkey. That we are supposed to see Rex as the ideal man, along with Todd, goes a long way to why OLTL's ratings aren't higher.

[Hillary]

So I had the past week off from school, and one day I was sitting around, and it was 2:00 in the afternoon and I thought to myself "I'll give One Life to Live a try. It supposedly is the greatest thing since cheesecake and can solve world hunger. I might as well see what all the fuss is about!" Maybe I just caught a bad episode, but it was... interesting, to say the least. Granted, I caught the Rex/Gigi scenes, and I've heard they are just the worst (I would have to agree - they did seem pretty terrible), but even so, nothing else struck me as all that great.

But back to Rex/Gigi. Reading the comments of others, I'm relieved to know that JPL hasn't always been that bad of an actor, but those scenes were so OTT it was unreal. Also, what color is his skin? He literally looked ORANGE. I was a little taken aback, and spent more time being distracted by his skin tone than by the actual dialouge. However, I don't feel I missed much, and between them and Stacy and Kim, it was almost excruciating. Thank god for Scott Clifton - he was the one saving grace with his hotness and good acting. It makes me wish GH hadn't completely wasted his talents and made Dillon into such a dick.

Sorry for the rambling post - I was just a little disappointed that OLTL didn't bring world peace, or at least bring back my love of all things soapy.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

FL's Scream of Horror was total gold. She and KdP work so well together, partly, I think, because they seem to have a lot of fun. I wish RC would be really ballsy and have Blair and Tea hook up (can you imagine the hate sex?!?) and leave Todd in the dust.

You're not the first person, Louise, I've read complain that Matthew going to London is just a plot point to introduce The Anointed One, but I really don't see it that way. Yes, that will undoubtedly be a side effect, but London really isn't exactly out of the Buchanan sphere, and when you think of boarding schools, don't you think Britain?

[zabby]

dumb as a box of rocks town - ha! you crack me up.

[lola]

OLTL is awesome and I only have one word for Brody: Wowza!

[Izzy]

Okay does Brody remind anyone else of Jensen Ackles? Because I thought that level of hot, hilarious and awesome only happened once and along comes Brody and now I want him on Supernatural.
Am I the only one who sees it?

[Mike]

I have to admit, I am mesmerized over the ways JPL can contort his mouth. It's completely fascinating. And his arm waving and head jerks - it's like he thinks he's acting in a silent movie.

[Cordy]

Brody...mmmmm. Louise, you are awesome--I think I have a girl crush on you. Do you write any other blogs I can follow?

[Mary]

Izzy,
With respect to the actor who plays Brody, I just can't see the Jensen Ackles comparison. Jensen and for that matter Jared Padelecki are pretty much in a league all their own in terms of looks and talent. And IMHO, they have better writers too :) That being said, it is always nice finding another Supernatural fan and a Brody sighting on the show wouldn't bother me.

[soapnut]

Well, I gave OLTL another try after not watching for awhile since every fan blogger has been pushing it and I came away very dissappointed. I felt as if I sat through an hour of someone insulting my intelligence. Nothing in the Tea and Todd has a child story makes since especially their teenager daughter born 6/7yrs ago, add to the fact that both Blair and Tea look extremely pathetic chasing after Todd and this storyline fails. The Mayoral race has me just shaking my head at Dorian but I can find a smile or two for the gay triangle and Cris/Layla. The only thing good about the Evans is the momma and she isn't really on the show. Forget everything about Rex and CREW.

To sum it up, I don't know where all this praise is coming from when most of the stories make no sense, are horribly acted and treat woman like garbage. I thought there was a real reason to start watching the show again, guess not.