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« Is Outrage Fatigue Treatable With Antibiotics? | Main | You Know How I Love a Good Soapy Fight »

November 16, 2009

And the Word of the Day Is...WHY?

There are days when I watch General Hospital and, quite frankly, don't understand anything that is going on. Like, at not one point over the course of the hour do I think, "Oh, okay, that makes sense". It's just question after question after question, and then I start to wonder if I've missed an episode, and then I realize that I DIDN'T miss and episode, and then I start to wonder that I have some sort of memory problem or some sort of hearing problem that causes me to miss chunks of dialogue in which character motivation and/or exposition is explained.

Of course, the most logical explanation is that the writers can't write for shit, but I am prone to both melodrama and hypochondria, so freaking out about a possible swiss cheese memory or deafness comes first. THEN comes the all-encompassing hatred of the GH writing staff.

Here are just a few of my many questions about today's show. Please note that I did not include the most important question ("How the hell does Bob Guza still have a job?") because the crazy theories we are sure to come up with as answers to that question could probably get us sued for slander...

  • Why can Jason give up killing people for Michael, but not for his own son?
  • Further, why is Jason giving up on murder presented as some sort of noble sacrifice? "Oh, that amazing man, he's going to stop KILLING PEOPLE! How noble and wonderful and heroic is that?"
  • Why is Carly able to see that Sonny (occasionally) and Jax (distressingly often) are bad influences, but never includes Jason under that morally ambiguous umbrella?
  • Why the hell would Lulu go to Sonny to warn him about a threat from law enforcement when it could get Dante (who has proven to not only be pretty great, but who also makes scenes with her worth watching) or Lucky (because I'm sure that there will be some sort of wacky misunderstanding where Sonny misinterprets Lulu's vague hints and assumes that Lucky is the one trying to take his organization down) killed? And why on earth would the show feel like she is in the right and worth rooting for?
  • And why, for that matter, can Sonny--one of the show's heroes, remember--say things to Jax about how he'd have totally had him killed if not for Carly, and we're supposed to just say, "Oh, it's Sonny being Sonny"? What on earth happened to the powers-that-be in their youth that effed with their moral compasses?
  • Why did James Franco have to choose THIS soap of all soaps for his grand soap experiment? I will no doubt find his story arc awesome because...you guys, I watched freaking Annapolis and won't say a bad word about it, so complimenting his GH story is going to happen almost reflexively. I apologize in advance, because I can't help it! But imagine if he was doing work on a soap that wasn't offensive on every single level?!
  • Why did the ABC promo people include the phrase "expert killer" in their James Franco promo?! I had a very awkward conversation trying to explain the show to a non-soap watching friend, who was completely flabbergasted and somewhat judgmental about my taste in television ("What does that mean, 'expert killer'?" "He's a hitman." "So are you supposed to feel bad that he's not safe from James Franco?" "...yes?")
  • Why is the show insistent on playing Adam Lambert's version of "Mad World" repeatedly? I know that their habit of running (all too uncommon) good things into the ground is nothing new, but it is irksome all the same.
  • Why is Edward throwing an engagement party for Liz and Lucky? I think this question bothers me most of all, because it is completely bizarre! I know it is just a contrived way for everyone to be together so that the truth about Liz and Nikilas will come close to being revealed, but surely there was a better way to do that. Oh, look at me, thinking that GH could do something "better". I made a funny!


Can someone please create a side-by-side photo of Nikolas and Jon Gosselin?? Obviously there are a multitude of reasons that I find Nikolas repulsive recently, but I've realized recently that one reason is that he's slowly morphing into Jon. The disappearing neck, beady-eyed look of boredom, thinning yet overstyled hair, missing children, questionable taste in potential love interests. They are practically the same person. I find Nikolas far more loathsome than Sonny lately - and that's saying a lot.

I've been wondering about your first question since I heard about that spoiler...well in between my Lucky-loving, quad hating heart, cracking up like none other I wondered that.

I wouldn't find the Edward so bizarre if the show hadn't spent the last decade trying to convince us that Lucky and Emily weren't best friends growing up and therefore the Qs DO like Lucky....but you know..Guza sucks.

That conversation w/your friend made me laugh out loud. I, too, have been trying to give people a nutshell background so they can pick up the show for Franco's visit, and they are just baffled. And then so am I. Again.

SwanSinger...now that you've said it...Holy crap you are totally right! Why have I not seen it before!!!

I can't watch anymore. What really got to me was a scene last week where Dante questioned Lulu's association and support of Sonny, a killer, and Lulu nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders. That was the last straw for me. I thought to myself, 'These people are disgusting.' I'm beyond fed up with all the mobster/killing people before dinner story lines. I'm 37, and I've watched this show since I was a kid. I remember being home for Christmas break and watching the Christmas at General Hospital episodes where they would sing to the sick children at the hospital... This show has been ruined. They killed off A.J.. Alan, Tony. All the legacy characters that built this show. Anyway, I am done.

Oh, Ess, that makes me so sad. I too ran home from school to watch Steve Hardy read The Christmas Story to all the children (including Robin Scorpio) EVERY Christmas. The show used to have so much heart. There is none left. It's so sad.

SawnSinger is a casting genius! When some cheesy cable channel does the Jon Gosselin Story, TC is a shoe in for the smarmy dopey role.

In a twisted way worthy of Fucktard Guza it totally makes sense that Lulu is Sonny's consiglare. Any day now Alexis will be Carly's manicurist right? This show takes place in Bizzaro PC.

And Carly worshipping Jason's most honorable and righteous career as a murdering mobster.... Not news, just Carly being Carly (insert vomit & self inflicted head wound here). Seriously, I yell at the tv "Jason wouldn't always have to save your ass from endless violence & sociopaths if you had not dedicated your whole adult life to mob bosses and hit men!!!!!!!!!"

Annapolis is Sophie's Choice compared to GH. I'm gonna add Pineapple Express & Milk to my Netflix que as a preemptive strike to the "Big Event".

Brilliant post as always :-)

Another role for TC is as Fat Elvis. The bloated face, the pouty mouth, and those glazed eyes.

Now with any luck, he'll get these roles and off our TVs.

So I caught the very first segment of "GH" today to see if James Franco's bit had started airing yet and was greeted by a craptacular (almost satirical) example of Sonny's "duh face"...which sent me into a fit of giggles...but then that Franco promo came on and I started to squeal like a tween. Of course, it was because of his 1) supernatural dreaminess, 2) horror, but 3) if there is anything to make me tune in, it's the astonishment that he's ACTUALLY doing this fracking show. I worry, though, about going insane having to sit through what is sure to induce rage and disgust, so can someone please give me a light at the end of the tunnel and let me in on how long his run will be? I'll need to stock up on the meds.

These are the questions that keep me up at night... or that would, if I still watched this show. Everything to do with Jason, Sonny and Carly confuses and enrages me.

And yeah, Nikolas has lost all appeal. To put it mildly.

I can't answer all of your questions, but I do think I have an answer for the James Franco experiment. For the non-soap-watching population, General Hospital has a little more validity than others, due to the legitimately famous people who did a stint in Port Charles back in the day (Rick Springfield, Demi Moore, etc.) and the mainstream media attention that the Luke and Laura wedding attracted. It's like taking a person who has never really listened to country music; they know that Johnny Cash used to be really good, but they might not know he passed several years ago. (Much like this show died several years ago...)

What about this unanswered question: What the heck was Maxie doing with the B.J. wig with no explanation on the change in color and style during that one scene during the storm at Kate's house, and then the next day she was back to blonde again with no explanation!! Are the writers seriously trying to make us all go even crazier than they already are?!

I want Jake to remain Jason's son, but really, he wouldn't give up murder for for Jake, but he will because Michael's a brat? He let a mobster raise him, what did he expect. And Lulu is working my last nerve. What is it about Sonny that no woman can resist his oily charm? She's endangering a hot cop with a moral compass AND HER OWN BROTHER by her meddling.

L, Franco's run is supposed to be spread out over I think two months. He's only filming for three days, but he's doing several episodes in those days. So the only thing I can suggest is find out exactly what days he's on, record them, watch his segments, and FF like you've never FFed before! :)

And OMG, I'd never put it together before, but TC IS Jon Gosselin. If he's ever photographed with an Ed Hardy t-shirt on, we'll have our ultimate evidence.

GOD, this show makes want to punch a wall.

This show makes me go Demolition Man .. Murder.Death.Kill. I just don't get it. Why is Jason always the justified one? Why is he never wrong or criminal? And How can he quit the mob for a child besides his own? Writers, wth? Don't even get me started on Carly. And Luloon .. Dante obscured my Lulu rage for a hot minute, but she has ruined it. How and why Lulu? How and why? Your brothers a cop. He and Dante are the good guys, remember?

"Can someone please create a side-by-side photo of Nikolas and Jon Gosselin?? "

Oh. My. God. How have I never noticed this??? It's absolutely spot on!

Swan Singer....in honor of you...I've put just such a picture up at my own blog....just click my name....its truly frightening...

We're getting all worked up over nothing ;-) Jason will be murder death killing by week's end. And to applause no doubt (vomit). His big noble gesture to give up on his wonderful career of murder and mobbery for Michael's remaining two brain cells was just that, a gesture. One he will have to tuck away in his box of pain as his magical skills as the bestest killer ever are desperately needed to "protect" those he loves and the overall well being of PC. He is after all, St. Jasus, aka the Superman of PC.

I bet Carly has an actual cheerleading outfit she wears whenever Jason kills for her or her kids or Sonny Mumbles McFucktard.

Way off topic but still GH. Does anyone else find that Patrick, while extremely hot, drinks way too much? He has 40% of his liver left and an alcoholic father. Yet Patty, a doctor and an alanon follower, has never once mentioned his higher likelihood of becoming an alcoholic due to both nurture and nature. It's always bothered me. For years he was either at work or at Jake's. He went there to drink alone even, a lot. Not a good thing. And today's bucket of brews, enough for 10 adults, didn't seem funny to me. And this rewrite of history where he was a beer guzzling frat boy w/ a girlfriend, fuck it. This is gonna be even more offensive, poorly written, and damaging to Scrubs and the characters of Robin and Patrick than the Leyla shit. He is two episodes away from being AssPat again. Lisa is fun and exciting and Robin is the boring wife, DAMNIT Guza get some therapy and stop the misogyny madness.

If this Lisa is the end of Robin, and Scrubs, I swear I am finally ending my relationship with GH. After nearly 28 years I will finally tune out for good.

OK, I really do think you guys are being waaay too hard on TC! I mean, that Gosselin guy is really homely...and nasty!

Now, about Patrick and the beer - I counted best I could and came up with 24. There were 6 people so a case would be normal for a football game. No one saw them drink them all.

About Dante and Lulu - I know he likes her, but I hope right now he is using her 'hots' for him to keep himself alive, because, for a cop, anything else would be totally stupid. She has put both his life and her brother's on the line, which is completely unforgivable. If he stomped all over her heart, she would deserve it. I can't think what Lucky and Luke's reaction would be if they knew of her stupidity! Of course Guza will white wash everything - Uugh... (My opinion.)

Janet, I was going to mention Maxie's hair too, although I missed how much it looked like the BJ wig.

My question was more like "Why would they give Maxie the most boring, least flattering haircut in the history of daytime?", but it's actually second-runner up, because the BJ wig was both the same awful style AND a really odd color....

I beg you -- turn off GH and AMC. Maybe if we stop giving Pratt and Guza attention, they'll go away,

Yeah, I'm kind of a dreamer like that...

I've run out of arguments to try and explain the destruction of this show. I, too, don't understand why Guza still has a job, and why ANYONE thinks that the current writing appeals to ANY AUDIENCE.

My only reason for watching is Scrubs. I was a die-hard fan, thinking I could never miss a second of them, but I ended up not even watching the last episodes of Night Shift I because I found them too offensive.

So if Guza is planning to completely destroy Scrubs so he can have the "fun" of putting them back together again, in a year or two, count me out. I'm done. I've been watching since 1985 and this would be the last draw.

This man has NO IDEA how to write a soap. He has NO CONSIDERATION for history (I'm sure it's too much work to try and learn your OWN SHOW's history - it's only his job, after all). He doesn't give a d*** about the existing characters and what the fans want, he just wants to play with his favorite toys.

Oh well, like I said, I've given up trying to understand the whys to any of this, it is what it is, and if Scrubs are destroyed, bye bye GH for me.

Beth, you are a life saver. Literally. I don't think I can handle months of GH, even in fast forward. I'll have to rely on youtube edits and Mallory's delicious recaps. Thank you for sparing me my sanity, my hair, my liver, my walls, my TV,....

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