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« Apparently I Have More than Just GH Episodes to Catch Up On | Main | Finally, Someone Said It! »

February 22, 2010

It's Hard To Think Of A Pithy Title When You Are Filled With RAGE


1. The new commercials for Jay Leno's return to The Tonight Show that play "Get Back" by The Beatles, specifically the line "Get back to where you once belonged", which is just so needlessly mean (and which so needlessly taints an awesome Beatles song) that I can't even. 

2. Evgeni Plushenko, Evgeni Plushenko's reaction to losing the gold medal to Evan Lysacek and the hilariously melodramatic article Elvis Stojko wrotetaking up Plushenko's cause (if you haven't read it already: RIP Figure Skating!).

3. The media's obsessive coverage of the Kardashian sisters.

4. People on the highway who come to a full stop before making a right turn onto their exit.

5. Kirk Cameron.

Just to recap, we watch a show where a mobster shoots an unarmed, undercover cop in the chest, and he is the one we're supposed to be feeling sorry for. And we're also supposed to be appreciative of the mobster's devoted hitman sidekick, because if the hitman had been the one to kill the undercover cop, he'd have done it in a less heinous way (because there is a complex scale of what kind of murder is actually bad, I guess).

Sonny: I was cheated! My son never got to know me as his father. The damage is on you!

Jason: Dante was supposed to die. I made all the arrangements. I was going to kill you, even though you saved Lulu. Because you're a rat cop who came after us.
Lulu: Yeah, but  you wouldn't have done it the way Sonny did, standing point blank in front of you. He didn't even have a gun!

At least it's my job to watch this pile of vomit television show. I don't know what your excuse is!

Whenever Sonny has one of his fits of self-pity and attempts to do whatever he can to make someone else (mostly Olivia) feel guilty for the fact that he shot his own son in the chest because he is an immoral career criminal, I let out a little squawk of indignation. And considering that these fits of self-pity happen at least a dozen times per episode, my bedroom probably sounds like a pet store.

(The saddest part is that even though he has approximately two lines of dialogue repeated every day, Maurice Benard still stumbles over half of his lines. I mean, I have heard them so often that I can repeat them verbatim!)

The only redeeming factor in today's stop on the "Yes, I shot my son in the chest, but aside from the trigger-pulling, it actually wasn't my fault at all" tour was that Olivia didn't let this orange jackass off the hook for even a minute, which was a blessed relief. I mean, you'd think that there'd never even be the possibility that the mother of a shot coup would let her son's shooter off the hook, but this IS GH and Olivia IS prone to saying that Sonny is a good man, so her reaction today was nice.

Sonny: It's because of you that my son looks at me like I'm  a stranger. You owe me that.
Olivia: I owe you nothing!

Sonny, your son looks at you like you're the asshole who shot him in the chest!

Olivia: You want to talk about damage? You want to talk about damage? How about the damage you did when you put a bullet in his chest?
Sonny, in the most patronizing, condescending voice possible, like he's explaining things to a five-year-old, as if Sonny Corinthos is possible of explaining anything to anyone: That wouldn't have happened if I knew he was my son.

"Anyone else's son, for sure. But I love my kids! I'd never shoot them! I love Michael and Morgan, and...Girl Child!" 

Olivia: I'm sorry I let that investigation go on as long as it did, but I will never, ever apologize for keeping my kid out of your world of crime and corruption. You want to know the proof that I did right? The proof is the fine man that I raised. He has values, he knows right from wrong. He's a fine, upstanding man. Now you look me in the eye and tell me that's the man he would have grown into if he grew up in your world.


 "What the fuck does upstanding mean?"

Olivia's harsh (and all too true) words didn't take, because Sonny then went to visit the son he shot in the chest, the one who has expressly said multiple times that he wants nothing to do with Sonny, and when Dante shot him down again, Sonny came back with


Sonny: That anger? That refusal to forgive? Just like me...

Yes, reminding him that his two worst qualities come directly from you is sure to get him on your side, you dick.

Sonny's not the only one who thinks that his biological connection to Dante should override the fact that he shot the guy in the heart. Jason is a little fed up with the fact that Dante is not showing proper appreciation for Sonny.

Dante: This must be tough for you, from a business perspective: a cop who knows too much and should probably die. But as it turns out, I'm Sonny's son, which surprised everyone. Me especially. He's got a sentimental attachment to me. He told you not to kill me, didn't he?
Jason: That was his order.
Dante: Once Sonny's in prison, I'm sure you'll be taking over the business and you'll come after me any time you want, right?
Jason: Don't you even care that Sonny's protecting you? Even though you lied to his face, and did everything you could to destroy him?
Dante: Wait a minute. Are you telling me I should be grateful to the man who shot me?
Jason: How about some gratitude and some respect for your father?


Yeah, Dante, because if there is anybody in the world who unfailingly shows respect for his biological relatives, it's Jason!

Then Lulu showed up and her streak of showing some sweet, sweet Sonny hatred continued.

Lulu:You know, I found out I was wrong about Sonny. He's not really kind or honorable,he doesn't really have a code or limits. but as long as he pretends to have a conscience, as long as he pretends he's a good person who is sometimes forced to do bad things, no one will stand up and stop him.
Jason: What do you expect, Lulu? You think Sonny's going to sit you down and tell you every terrible thing he's done? He tries to be honorable and he tries to be kind.
Lulu: Until it gets in the way of business?
Jason: No, until it gets in the way of survival.

Jason, it should be noted, was visibly impatient and rolled his eyes when Lulu launched into her righteous rant, like he was Courtney Matthews or something.

As much as I enjoyed this, and have been enjoying Lulu lately (she and Dante continue to be the cutest cute to ever cute), I couldn't love this because

a) the aforementioned, "Yeah, you were going to kill Dante, but if you killed him, you'd have done it in a nice way". Like, it's awesome that she's finally realizing that Sonny is scum, but how is his righthand man who carries out most of his murders not scum as well?

and also, b) what the hell was she wearing today?



What is that? Why do any of those pieces exist, why were their paired together and why was that filmed for national television?

I have to admit that I didn't pay close attention to the rest of the episode, because I was distracted by my SEETHING HATRED and also by

  • Nathan Parson's continuing inability to speak intelligibly
  • the sad feeling I have that Brandon Barash and his pretty are going to be sent out of Port Charles soon, probably in a body bag
  • Maxie's hair





It's every hideous hair trend of the past five years shellacked into one wholly horrifying 'do. It goes without saying that the hairstylist responsible for this should have his/her license revoked and should probably also face federal charges.

But I DID hear the excellently snarky line Elizabeth threw at Nikolas:

Nikolas: You and I were together a lot of times. You were only with Lucky once. The odds are that the baby is mine.
Liz: Well, we don't know that now, do we?
Nikolas: No, we don't. But if it is, we're connected for the rest of our lives, whether you like it or not.
Liz: So you think staking a claim to this baby is kind of like staking a claim to me?
Nikolas: No, no of course not.
Liz: Are you sure? Because you already have one kid you pretty much ignore, so why would you want another one?


I actually cackled, because it's true, and then I started imagining what hilarious fun Spencer and Alfred are up to right now, and thinking about how much I'd rather watch that show than "You're a good man, Sonny Corinthos!"


Yay for your Conan love!!! (Or what I assume to be Conan love. Although, Jay Leno hate is quite alright by itself)

I'm so glad I gave up this show. I'd probably have a coronary watching Sonny blame Olivia and think shooting Dante isn't his fault at all.

This show is just so... craptastic. Do the writers even consider that the shit they're trying to shovel just makes no sense and is flatly contradicted by past actions and long-standing character traits (you know, that Sonny is a pathetic excuse for a human being and really a terrible person)? It's just so frustrating.

On an unrelated note, Mallory, I am totally with you on the whole Evgeni Plushenko thing. Can you say sore loser? The Olympics are about sportsmanship and healthy competition, not whining like a baby because you won a silver medal. Grow up and accept defeat with grace.

Thank Lavery that you haven't fallen under the 'Maurice is killing it, this show rulz' psychohypnosis/groupthinkbullcrap that seems to have suddenly pervaded certain soap websites.

That face he's making in the first screencap is exactly the same face BabySydney on Days makes when she's sad.Except, Sydney is adorable and a better actor than King Mo, and probably not yet 2 years old.You can practically hear him thinking:'Sonny is sad.Make sad face'.

But hey, he says the show is experiencing a 'rebirth' thanks to him and his ACHTING and this fabu story. You're not just wrong,Mo. YOUR'E WRONG AT THE TOP OF YOUR YELLYSHOUTYORANGE VOICE.

This show is ass. Putrid, rank ass.

In my defense, I fast forward everything involving Sonny and/or Jason. And yes, that means sometimes I can watch this show in five minutes.

PLUSHY IS A SORE LOSING BITCH! Who's argument doesn't even make sense since he was beaten on TECHINCAL POINTS. It strikes me that Plushy and Sonny would be great friends.

Elizabeth's snark at Nik was WONDERFUL! that line and her follow up about Spencer spending more time with the nanny than Nik were things of beauty. I still hate this storyline but that made me feel a tiny bit better for her (still unexplained) crazy butt! The only thing that was missing was a loud "YA BURNT!" after that scene.

Soooo watching Jason dither on if he was bad like his true love Franco was just for nothing right? Cause huh?

Four things to add on my part:

a) I don't watch figure skating (sorry, I'm more a ski jumping/curling/freestyle aeriels kind of woman so I can't really care about what's going on there. Sorry.

b) I saw those NBC Leno commercials...yeah, what a classless way to ruin a sweet Beatles tune. Also, what a classless way to make yourself look worse and more clueless, NBC. This is why you are in fourth place.

c) I'm glad I watch AMC instead. I probably would have had an anuryism watching GH today.

d) We should have a three way fight between Jason Morgan, Ryan Lavery and reigning champ Sonny Corinthos for Worst Character In Daytime. Sorry to bring it back up again but I need someone to focus my soap rage on and these three look like the best candidates.

Why do we hate Kirk Cameron? Did I miss something?

SwanSinger, I have had a completely irrational hatred of him since I was in elementary school! I can't explain it, but it also extends to Candace Cameron. I was a very bitter 1st grader, apparently.

Andrea, I LOVE Conan. LOVE. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that NBC was so tacky in this ad campaign, but I am.

Beth R., seriously, we were forced to watch Jason deal with self doubt for ages, and then it just went back to, "Yeah, I'd kill a cop, what of it?" I hate this show a whole lot...

The Beatles rule and Evgeny Plushenko is a whiny sore losery ass who skates like a 13-year-old boy dances when he *thinks* he's dancing all sexy and cool and he so really is not.

Kirk Cameron actually kind of frightens me these days with the wacky religious zealotry. As if he wasn't bad enough before. . .

As for the show, I'm so glad Liz is finally giving Nik whatfor instead of inexplicably slobbering all over him. That was icky. Still not watching.

Mallory, me too!!!! Did you buy any I'm With Coco gear??? The t-shirts are of amazing quality.

The "I'm With COCO" facebook page is great for a Conan fix.

Also, here's a MUCH better version of that Leno commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJJ6o4eYynU&feature=player_embedded

As for GH, well.... ehhhh...

Charlee, I'm on the I'm With Coco page like 24/7. It's my addiction now.

I did like hearing about what Liz said to Nikolas regarding Spencer. Am not going to watch it, but it sounds like it was priceless.

Am I the only one confused by #4?
Is there a stoplight or a stop sign at the end of said exit?
And then is this in California or every other state in the union?
Or do you mean to change lanes to exit the highway? At which point I'm with you.
Can you tell GH interests me not one bit anymore?

I meant changing lanes to exit the highway! I am terrible at explaining things sometimes, sorry for the confusion ny267.

The I'm With Coco Facebook page brought much joy into my life this winter!

I can't even string together more than a couple coherent about this show. Which is probably a good thing, because if this effing show seemed reasonable to me, I'd probably belong in Shadybrook right alongside Liz. But whatever.

All I have to add is that I, too, cracked up when Liz made the dig about Nik ignoring Spencer (and as an aside, are the writers intending to make him look like a complete douche? because if so, mission accoplished, assholes).

And if the whole "holding a grudge (at the slimy, stuttering sperm donor who shot you) is just another way you're like me" speech is foreshadowing of Dante covering for Sonny to prove he's NOT like Sonny, somebody better hide the fricking china. Because I'm still seething at the "logic" of Dante lying about Sonny shooting him because Sonny's already going to jail for shooting Claudia (which, you know, perhaps Lucky or Mac should have clued him into the fact that Sonny never, ever gets convicted....).

Whoops. Apparently I can't string together anything coherent, as I meant to say "coherent thoughts" and left out the "thoughts". Kinda fitting, since the writers seem similarly without thoughts when it comes to this shitfest.

The Jay Leno commercials are the new "Real Greenlee" campaign, only on a larger scale.

The line we've all thought in our own heads three hundred and forty-seven thousand times...

finally uttered outloud...

Liz to Nik: "...you already have one kid you pretty much ignore, so why would you want another one?"

****Yeah!!! What she said!!!****

p.s. I'll admit it, I was totally rooting for Jason during the hospital roof scene. Yeah, they're mobsters, they're awful, they're rotten... but they do what they do and Dante KNEW the risk going in. We had to sit through MONTHS of Olivia ringing her hands and crying 'I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do' as she let moment after moment of perfect opportunity pass (Hello? Christmas dinner...) when she could have told either Sonny OR Dante OR BOTH that they were father and son, therefore eliminating AT LEAST the imminent danger of cop vs. mobster, but she didn't...

(yeah, I know, I know, I am faithful loyal worshipper of St. Jasus. ;) I can live with that.)

OMG, I am so in love with you. Your top two hates are absolutely top level hate with me right now. I read those first two and thought "I could have written those word for word." lol.

I did not know dumbass NBC had those commericals! I hate Jay Leno more then I did before, and I didn't think I could hate him anymore.
Yay on the Conan love!!

I thought I loathed Jay Leno before. I'm glad I haven't seen those commercials. We need a new TV anyway, but we really wanted to wait a couple of months. If I see that shit, it's a 2 x 4 to the screen. TEAM COCO!!!! The tonight show is absolutely BANNED BANNED from my household (and I deliberately didn't capitalize the title of the show because it doesn't deserve it without Conan). You heard Kevin Eubanks is leaving, didn't you? He was worthless anyway, but I find it fabulous that he decided Leno was a rat on a sinking ship. Will Ferrell was also on a radio show the other day, and they asked him what he would do if Leno asked him to be on the tonight show. He said, "I think I might have a cold that day. Or sore throat. Or something." HA! Love you, Will Ferrell.

Can you tell I'm still really angry about this??

As for the whole Sonny/Jason thing...fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. I can't take it anymore. Just - can't.

Dante and Lulu are adorable on a stick, that's for sure. They have really tremendous chemistry and look like they are having a lot of fun in their scenes. It shows.

Johnny and Olivia's...uh..."hot?"...sex scenes, on the other hand....oil and water mix better than these two. Is it wrong that all I can think of is that their breath must just reek of garlic when they're trying to kiss? All they do is eat pasta! I don't think that's what they want me to be thinking, is it?

MAXIE'S HAIR!!!! Thank you, Mallory, for pointing out that atrocious "Bump It" disaster. I think the scenes with Maxie and Lucky were actually pretty good, but I was so tense wondering if that top "flap" of hair was going to give way and fall down the side of her head that I couldn't concentrate on the dialogue. Hair should not distract you like that.

So Mallory, what did you think of the new GH intro?? I thought it was pretty - bland. The CGI backgrounds, floating 60% shaded name of each character and SONNY being the friggin' lead intro didn't do anything special for me. I guess it's better than the "Room of Zombie Characters" they had before, but still...

And HEY! PIP is in the credits! Does that mean she has a contract now??

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