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« Soap Blog Coalition | Main | The One With Brand New Information »

March 25, 2010

Alas, What Could've Been (Etc.)

The last few episodes of One Life to Live have been somewhat... blah.  Maybe it's just the calm after the storm, or it's just not a sweeps month, but watching Gigi and Rex talk in circles and watching Roxy try to get rid of someone while not letting on that she's under duress and watching about 35 things almost happen -- none of that is my idea of a good time.  But do you know what is my idea of a good time?

Kim and Dorian.

How perfect was it that Kim was saying to Dead Stacey that she'd never have another friend like her in a million years and then Dorian awesomely entered immediately?  If we weren't losing Kim, I'd take it either way: a Dorian/Kim friendship or a Dorian/Kim rivalry.  Either one would be epic.  They could be a mentor/protege pairing and trade fashion and gold-digging tips!  Or we could have the Battle of the Bitchy Brown-eyed Brunettes!

In other wistful news, we are now short one Gannon, as Tuesday was Rachel's last day on the show (or at least the latest Rachel's last day), which means we will never get a Rachel/Schuyler pairing.  Their last scene together was a bit hilarious, with Schuyler at his most twitchy, eye-darting extreme and Rachel being all, "Huh, I guess if you say nothing's wrong, whatevs!  I have an ex-boyfriend right here in Llanview that no one's ever heard of who I'm going to take back to Chicago to put into rehab 'cause we all know there's no effective rehab facility here in the totally non-addiction-prone Northeast!  Peace out, I'll be back in a few... or never!"  Perhaps she'll go join some other folks who left town for a bit... Antonio?

So let me get this straight.  Rex will do anything to help Gigi get custody of Sierra Rose (who, despite having just been born and having been under only one person's care for about two days, already has her own monogrammed blankies!), anything at all!  Except go to City Hall and in-name-only marry her.  I swoon.

Teen Jess is starting to wear thin.  I thought it was cute at first because it gave us a little stroll down memory lane, and was pretty funny even though she was acting closer to 13 and it required us to suspend record volumes of disbelief.  (I enjoyed "I can't believe you married my sister!" "Yeah, well, you married my brother."  "Was there anyone else?"  "Your cousin," etc., and the fact that even Teen Jess has to see what she sees when Brody takes off his shirt ...that was a small piece of stellar, admit it!)  If you need a refresher:


But at the end of the day, the real problem here is the fact that Jessica Buchanan was born on this show and has been at least tied to a major storyline virtually her entire life, but for some reason in the present day they are unable to write a story for this character unless she is not this character.  There is something very wrong with that.  And I fail to understand why Marty has told everyone in town that they need to indulge Teen Jessica's behavior while simultaneously openly acknowledging that she's lost 13 years of her life.  Instead of trying to convince Jess that she needs to move on from Cris, or engaging in little arguments with her as if she's not a crazy person, someone needs to grab her and say, "You are 30 years old and everyone you speak to knows that and only sees you as a sick woman who's acting 13, not a freaking potential love interest."  And as for her sister Natalie?  I can't even.  I shouldn't be surprised, of course, since Jessica got even less time to grieve for Nash before we launched into more D.I.D. nonsense than Natalie got to grieve for her own dead husband, but honestly.  Natalie is at her most unbearable when she is pitted against another woman for the affections of that malcontent John McBain who, I might add, has dropped Natalie's ass unceremoniously more than once.  As much as I loved (more than I can say) the fact that OLTL's St. Patrick's Day lasted three straight days (particular evidence to me that the show is written by New Yorkers), the longing looks at the bar between John and Natalie last week gave me serious "quit this show" urges. 

Because my soul cannot bear the weight of the high school musical storyline (though, in a related story, I do love how Ford is just officially an unrepentant player of the worst kind and is essentially giving Langston exactly what she deserves), and because I just do not and cannot care about whatever this business is with Kelly and Todd over at The Sun, and because I'm still trying to decide if it's even worth it to wake up early enough tomorrow morning to go to the Save Kish rally, I will try to just leave you all with one nice memory from the week.

Blair and Eli had their first date!  They kissed goodnight!  He talked about his first crush!  He learned that Blair is far from a spoiled princess!  They've got hot covered, and now they're starting to get adorable covered, too.  I kind of love it.

As a postscript, I have to gush that a couple weeks ago I went to see Mike Lowry (ex-Ross) and his excellent AC/DC cover band (Done Dirt Cheap) play at a bar in Hell's Kitchen.  They were unreasonable amounts of awesome fun (I cannot wait to go see them again), but extra-stellar was the fact that Matt Walton (Eli) was also there.  Yes, I am that much of a dork that I was giddy that they played brothers on the show and are buddies in real life.  I was also giddy to learn that both of them (and my friend quite agreed) are even hotter in person.  Way hotter.

Destiny out! 


Brody busting out the guns on Jess was pretty hilarious. Too bad it got wiped away the next time we saw her and she was giving Natalie Pouty Teen Lip about stealing her boyfriend... what was this? A DAY after Blair talked her down from her idiot ledge and told her to move the fuck on? And after Brody offered her a view of the gun show?

Cris is gorgeous, yes... but Brody is hardly some creature that crawled out of the sewer. He's hot and gorgeous and funny and maybe Jess should have taken a longer look at him in his uniform yesterday. Teen Jess really wasn't THIS stupid.

And I could not agree more with this idiotic decision to let her run around Llanview as a teenager because it's allegedly 'safer.' Cripes, did Marty forget about how well it worked for HER when she decided to ignore her life and kid during her bout with amnesia. Is Marty hoping Bree gets in a car accident and Jess has to go all SuperMom to remember that she's not 12?

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The show is at loose ends right now. It's hard to get a handle on much of anything. It's probably why I was so grateful for Blair's presence last week and on Monday. She solidified a lot of stuff last week in her interactions with Starr, Dani, Cris, Jess, Todd, Kelly, Eli and Tea. Even if I didn't care for the crap at The Sun (seriously... what was that supposed to be about anyway?) it still showed that Blair's ability to work with every aspect of Llanview they use her with is one of her greatest strengths.

Her talk with Jess after her blow up with Elijah was wonderful. If only Jess had been smart enough to LISTEN!! Or, more importantly, RETAIN.

But when it came down to it and Blair told Elijah she was ready to move on and she wanted to move on with him (and the way he stood there looking at her when she said that... hooooot!) They had a sweet, private date where they actually talked. The Tea stuff was really unnecessary, I thought. I'd have preferred more of B&E talking. Eli wanted Blair and made her work for it after she gave him the brush off for wanting more and, honestly? I can respect that.

What woman worth her salt wants a man who'll just roll over for her when she makes a bad move? Elijah tested her sincerity and Blair stood there and took it. And when she opened up and let him see a little bit of who she actually is... his response was unbelievably sweet.

Yes, they already had hot down in spades. They also already showed they could banter (and they did it again on Monday's date.) Now they're showing they can do sweet and tender, too.

This is GOOD.


Come to the Rally! Thanks for the shout-out in your blog.

Louise, you've never led me astray in your time posting here, but I have to call 'shenanigans' -- there is no possible way that Mike Lowry and Matt Walton were way, way hotter in person. I've forgotten about 1000 times more than I now know about the laws of thermodynamics but if that was true, then I feel either the universe is going to end because it's going to overheat or there's been some sort of shift in universal constants.

Then again, my whole idea of warmth, temperature, and slightly dripping with sweat brow has been skewed by the picture above. I keep scrolling the track button on my mouse to sneak a peek and scroll away ashamed. It's not like it's officially NSFW but it just makes me feel such confusing dirty things that it might as well be. If I had amnesia and was 16 year old me and I was presented with this... I would have exploded.

Mike, that is hilarious. I hate to come across in any way hyperbolic about the in-person hotness of Mike Lowry and Matt Walton, but I assure you, it's the truth. Part of it might be that I have a thing for men in just plain old t-shirts and blue jeans (and a flannel shirt, in ML's case) and I'd always rather look at that than a man in a suit (or beach clothes, in the case of Lowry's character), especially if they're holding beer or guitars... Would it help if I said that Mark Lawson (Brody) is not hotter in person than he is on the show? He's not. Just 100% every bit as hot as he is on the show (even though I had to look down to see him, and I am not a particularly tall woman).

Dandesun, as I remember you're a die-hard Blair fan, I am so glad to know you're also enjoying the excellent evolution of her new romance!

And Jenna, good luck with the rally! I'm still waiting to see what kind of workload I have for tomorrow, so I likely won't decide about my morning plans until late tonight, but I hope to be there. Even if it's beyond hope at this point, I hope we can at least make our feelings known!

The show... really is not that good right now. It's so obvious that there's major turmoil. There's a rumor that RC isn't even really writing it anymore, which would make sense, because it sure doesn't feel like it. I mean, the man doesn't always deliver, but he can usually pull off SOMETHING a little more entertaining.

Agree the show is definitely on the boring side right now. The St. Patricks Day stuff was great though - the scenes with Bo especially, those are the kind of moments that make stick with this show. I will be sorry to see Kish go and also (sort of) Scott Clifton...he started out so good but has really been stinking it up lately. Hopefully they will be gearing up soon for some good May sweeps stories.

I quit watching this show several weeks ago and reading your column didn't give me any reason to go back. Thanks!

I hate that Natalie is all up John McBore's butt and Jared has been dead exactly four months. Marty is boring, Todd/Kelly are boring and Marty/John are boring.

Loved Kim/Dorian scenes!

Ditto, Sally. The only part of this blog that made me consider watching again was Eli/Blair. But then I realized that would only last a month or so before Todd ruins it. And if they showcase a shirtless Brody more I may not be able to resist tuning in...

Yep, quit watching two weeks ago and officially took it off the recorder yesterday. So, so sad that nothing I'm reading makes me rethink that. OLTL has gone from my favorite to not watchable in less than two years.

But, I do appreciate the updates because perhaps one day the show will be worth tuning into once again. Not holding my breath, though. I've already ditched AMC and watch about 10 minutes of GH per week. Way to go ABC! Good work!

I'm so bummed about "Kim" leaving and the state of OLTL in general. Dudes, I was WATCHING when Jess was a teenager. This is not teenage Jess, it's teenage TESS. Who didn't exist. Ahem.

Love this blog, love the informed commentary. I just want MORE! I know you ladies are busy, but I'm jonesing for more to read!

Hello? Is it true that OLTL was told to cut eight actor's after they moved into old AMC studios? That's the rumor on the Internet.....if so, too bad John McBore still on the show because I'm sure his salary would keep the eight characters being axed...

I had definitely not heard that. That would be horrible -- I hope it's a rumor. And if it's not, they definitely picked the wrong actors!

Louise....I think the rumor is true, check out last week's SOD article......on budget cuts for OLTL.....

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