Up Is Down, Right Is Left and Charles Pratt Is Outstanding

For all of my faults--and I am willing to admit that I do have many--I have to say that self-absorption is not one of them, so when I make the following statement, I am not being melodramatic and self-centered, I am being completely serious:

Charles Pratt was nominated for a Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Writing solely to spite me, because someone out there hates me and desires nothing more in the world than to see me weep.

It may seem a little far-fetched at first, but it's the only plausible explanation! I just can't conceive of anyone in the world considering the writing regime of Charles Pratt worthy of anything besides a public forum where bitter All My Children fans can hurl obscenities and/or tomatoes at his staff...unless there are ulterior motives at hand like making me cry, and now I am depressed at this wholly undeserved nomination AND the fact that someone in the world hates me that much! Tell me what I've done, mean-spirited secret enemy of mine, so that I will know how to fix it!

I mean, really. It is disturbing enough that the show was nominated for Outstanding Drama, but singling out the writing...I just....Outstanding Writing! That means that people think that Charles Pratt's writing is "distinguished from others in excellence"! And it also means that people think that what he does is writing and not word vomiting.

Just so we're all on the same page, this is what people consider "Outstanding": a year that includes

• Bianca and Reese at the greatest lesbian love story of all time, if you ignore the fact that one of them was not written as a lesbian and was also, without a doubt, the worst human being on the planet (I know that you're all surprised that I didn't give Ryan Lavery that title, but I prefer not to acknowledge that he and I are the same species and consider him some sort of alien being)
• Greenlee flying off of a cliff in her wedding dress and making everyone all sad, especially Ryan and Kendall who were so overcome with grief while identifying her body that they immediately had sex, marking the beginning of the long and painful decimation of a popular couple that was half-heartedly resolved by the end of the year because Thorsten Kaye and Alicia Minshew left the show and ohmigod, can you imagine what would have happened to Zach and Kendall if they had stayed?
• Our fearless leader blaming Eden Riegel for the fact that his storyline was utter garbage and then publicly implying that his cast was a bunch of immature no-talent losers who could in no way compete with the acting talents of Jamie Luner. Untalented AND an ungracious ass. What a winner!
• A...thing that happened between Erica and Ryan
• Liza faking her pregnancy because who the hell even knows
• Jake and Amanda faking Trevor's death and then abandoning him at a church with hopes of legally adopting him later
• Aidan suddenly being crazy and going on the run with Kendall, evilly
• The MURDER of STUART CHANDLER, one of the most beloved soap characters of all time
• Wrapping up the MURDER of STUART CHANDLER with a "shocking" "twist" where you could almost hear Pratt thinking, "Stuart's dead and you want to have your mind BLOWN? His TWIN did it! Boom! Roasted!", which is offensive on its own but made doubly so by all of the interviews Pratt gave to the soap press patting himself on the back for how ingenious this twist was and OMFG, the hate, it burns!

Can someone identify any part of that as being worthy of chance to win an award? Worthy of a prison sentence for treason, yes, but not an award! Ugh, I can't even, especially not when David Canary wasn't nominated for his stellar work at carrying the entire show. He seems like too much of a gentleman to ever do so, but I'd so like to see him kick Pratt in the kneecaps.

I think the worst part of all of this, besides how it is like a stab in the face to the soap writers who weren't nominated and the way it reaffirmed Pratt and Frons's belief that killing Stuart Chandler was a totally good move, is that somewhere, Charles Pratt is taking a break from growing an unkempt unemployment beard and squirting Easy Cheese into his mouth and doing a particularly smug version of Grace Adler's "Told You So" dance and that, people, is a vision that fills me with rage. It's bad enough that this is actually HAPPENING, but to know he's probably getting joy out of it makes it ten times worse.

Comments

[Mary Beth]

I choose to believe that the Emmy people got confused and thought Pratt must be the writer of Pratt Falls.

[Beth R.]

I am conviced that Guza used the blackmail material he usually reserves for his own un-deserved nomination to get Pratt one. You know since they constantly stole from each other and praised each other constantly.

If it's any consulation to you Mallory...this nomination has been the biggest WTF I've seen the soap press give. No one can explain it. Especially since he did in fact submitt "Adam's" murder as the episode for Best WRiting and Show. So even MORE insane.

Blackmail. It has to be blackmail.

[Daryl]

I hope someone reads this column to Mr Pratt ... why dont I hope he reads it himself? Well, if he could read he would have resigned before they kicked his arse to the curb

[Beth]

Well, considering the Emmy people keep rewarding Guza for his nonsensical crap (ensuring we'll NEVER be rid of his obnoxious ass), I can't say I'm surprised.

[Jessica]

I prefer to think of him not as a human, but as a monkey with a typewritter. It helps calm the rage that came out of KILLING STUART because OMG WTF was that???

I don't even watch this show anymore unless my fresh-out-of-university unemployed self is bored to death in the middle of the day. But even then it is sometimes more entertaining to dust or scrub my bathroom down.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

Ahhhhhhhhh. That's what I was waiting for. Thank you, Mallory, you restored my faith in Serial Drama! *LOL* Seriously, though, it's just mind-boggling. As much as I hate Bob Guza, he deserves a nom ten thousand times more than Chuck Pratt does. And OLTL not getting either Drama or Writing for a year that was mostly stellar is simply astounding.

Everyone keeps asking why David Canary wasn't nominated, but did he even enter? I know Robin Strasser never puts her name into contention, and I think some of the other really long-term vets don't, either. I can see him being that kind of gentleman.

[Mike McNamara]

monkey with a typewriter

Why you gotta hate on typewriting monkeys? What did lower primates ever do to you?

It may help you calm your rage, but thinking about killing Stuart just makes me want to fling my shit at someone.

[Cate]

I can't even think of a single scene/storyline they could have submitted to get this show nominated for anything. Seriously nothing even remotely exceptional happened on AMC in the past year besides their tribute to Myrtle and I know they didn't submit that.

[John]

See, if I'd have been writing this entry, I'd have picked a part of Pratt's anatomy a bit higher up for David Canary to kick. Of course, that's even less gentlemanly. Good thing I'm not a gentleman.

I'm simply shocked that Pratt gets a writing nomination, but Carlivati, who writes better than Pratt on his worst day, didn't? I've said it in other places and I'll say it here. I want a hit off the bong or crack pipe or whatever the Emmy nominating category was smoking. That shit has to be *good*.

[Leah]

It's so incredibly sick. There must be some kind of Machiavellian conspiracy going on behind closed doors to have made this happen. Either that or it's a sign of the coming apocalypse.

[spazzo47]

I thought I saw DC in the pre nom list, so I assume that he did put his name in. However, I have this image in my head that as an FU to Pratt and AMC, he sought out an episode that Pratt, et al declared the greatest thing to ever happen to Pine Valley or an episode that didn't make DC throw up in his mouth a little, thereby throwing the nom. He made the decision to do his part to never have to publicly say nice things about Pratt and therefore not have to lie.

As for the writing nomination, my other theory is there's either a rotation that best drama/writing going through or they pick shows out of a hat to decide noms. I can come up with no other idea.

[Dulce]

I'm convinced that Brian Frons threatened to fire anyone that didn't vote for UpChuck.

[Oh Susannah!]

You know- something is wrong with this picture- no, seriously- really, something is so very wrong. Methinks the whole world has gone mad, or maybe I got it all wrong & I only thought it was mad or bad, whichever the case may be! No freaking wonder AMC's ratings are so atrocious! No one in charge of anything has a clue! This
is wrong on so many levels- but at least I'm no longer watching.

[Leanne]

You are freaking brilliant, you know that? Every word of this column was better written than AMC all of last year. I'm trying to think of a more profound word to use than "suck," but reading all about Pratt's BS this past year has temporarily rotted away that part of my brain. I'll let you know when I get it back.

[Patrick Erwin]

I think the judges read the category wrong. It was for Outstanding Performance in Dismantling Four Decades of a Daytime Drama (Non-McTavish division).

[Tess]

I can't beleived AMC was nomine under Pratt writting, can you imagince if they win. Did anyone see the All my Children Hemmy from the fans for outsanding couple and woman of the century?

Hemmy award for outsanding couple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcoxCbbpZ88

Hemmy award for woman of the Century

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOMn17GPwVk

What do you guys think?