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« SOAPNet Is Being Replaced by Pre-School Entertainment | Main | At Least It's Not Time Travel? »

May 27, 2010

Why Does This Show Confuse Me So?

I always feel uncomfortable publicly asking for clarification on the events that unfolded on General Hospital, because I don't want to give Bob Guza the satisfaction of feeling as though he one-upped me. "Oh, some people just don't understand my art. It's just too complex for them."

(Not that I think that he has Serial Drama bookmarked and, like, reads it everyday or anything. I'm not so self-absorbed! Although, events from my nightmares do so often become GH plots that I have to wonder...)

But, embarrassing though it may be, I am going to go on the record with these GH questions in hopes that one of you intrepid readers may have answers for me and can clear up all of the confusion. I am, of course, not including the two biggest GH related questions that I have (1. Why does Bob Guza still have a job? and 2. Why do we all still watch this show?) because the answers to the former will lead to a lot of theories that, while likely true, could get us sued for slander and answers to the latter...well, those will just be depressing as hell.


Why on earth do the writers insist on featuring Patrick so rarely, and when they do feature him, they highlight his least attractive qualities?

So, I know that you may have forgotten this, because the show hardly ever mentions it and it's not all one of Patrick's lone defining character traits, but the thing about Patrick is--wait for it--cocky. He thinks he's the best doctor to practice medicine in the history of ever.

Why is this the one note the show lets him play? When Lisa had Steve perform surgery with her, Patrick predictably flipped his shit in the most petulant, obnoxious way possible and then let his irritation with Lisa spill over into irritation with Robin and then he practically started crying angry tears when Steve and Lisa returned with word that the surgery went well.



Patrick: Don't get all hot and bothered. I'm not getting into your personal business.
Lisa: I'm glad to hear that.
Patrick: Okay, good, just make sure you keep it professional around here [HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Being professional at GH? I am so sure!--Ed.]
Lisa: What are you talking about?
Patrick: What are you going to tell motorcycle guy when he wakes up half the man he was? That the Chief of Staff has the hots for you, so you decided to throw him ab one, sorry it had to be yours?
Lisa: Are you frigging for real?
Patrick: Lisa, you know I'm the best surgeon for this.
Lisa: Yeah, Patrick, we all know how brilliant you are. But Steve is a trauma surgeon, and that is what my patient needs. As far as the rest, I'm going to ignore the fact that you just accused me of endangering a patient to further my personal agenda because I am nice like that, and I know it was your oversized ego that was talking.
Patrick: Mmmhmm.

I think the "self love" part of Patrick's brain is so large that it rendered the "good comebacks" part of his brain useless. "Mmmhmmm"? You tell her, Pattycakes!

He was equally pissy with Robin, who tried to be good-natured about it all.

Robin: Steve threatens your rock star status around here.
Patrick: Give me a break, Steve is a desk jockey at best.

That's slightly better than "Mmmhmmm", and way better than his reaction to Lisa's bragging about the surgery.

Lisa: What Steve is trying to say, in his modest way, is that we rock the universe.
Patrick: Restrains himself from vomiting all over the hospital, out of hatred

I love how these people are on the show so rarely, and when they do get to be on-screen instead of extras and dayplayers who get more camera time than they do, it's just to play out the same tired lameness. GH Writers: you have YOUNG, HOT, MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. Long-running television series are based on that premise. Why can you not think of something to do with them?


Why was Jason giving Michael lessons on how to fight in the middle of the prison yard?


Like, way to announce to all of Pentonville that Michael is weak! Jason's words, not mine...

Jason: You already have an advantage. You're young, you look weak and vulnerable.

And it's true. Boy has the kind of puppy-dog eyes that would be right at home on a poster in Bop that seventh grade girls can then hang up in their lockers.


At this, Michael had one of his first freakouts in a long time. Remember when he used to get inappropriately rage-y when, like, Carly finished the last of the Coffeemate creamer?

Michael: What are you trying to say? I look like a victim? You think I should just stand there and take anything everyone else dishes out and not fight back? Jason, you have no idea how hard I fought.

Um, it still seems like this all should have gone down in their cell.


What the hell is with Brook Lynn's accent?

I've recently gotten into True Blood, since it's on OnDemand from the beginning and since it will actually have new episodes this summer when everything else is in repeats, and it's a nice, soapy diversion, but I find myself so distracted by how HORRIBLE some of the accents are. I mean, REALLY. Tara? What is that?! It's worse than when Oscar pretended to be from Savannah on The Office. The best accent was from the guy who played Rene, and it was the hardest accent and it turned out the character was faking his accent. What this tangent is trying to tell you is that I am seriously sensitive these days to bad accents and boy, is Adrianne Leon's bad. Also, her face doesn't move. It's freakish! I mean, she's still lovely (and always was lovely), but...it's like Nicole Kidman's shiny, immobile face.


Did they bring Skye back just to make cameo appearances in which she makes good sense?

Skye: Jax, I get it. You hate Sonny. And it's sweet to think that you can save Michael by putting him away, but friendly reminder: you tried that already. It didn't work out so good, did it?

I mean, it's always nice to have a voice of reason around who can remind Jax that, yes, we all know that you have a vendetta against Sonny. We haven't forgotten since the last time you mentioned it eight minutes ago! And freaking really, Jax, you were JUST trying to put Sonny in jail and it BLEW UP IN YOUR FACE and set your life on FIRE, and you're all game to do it again? The hell? It just seems like it's a waste for that to be Skye's only purpose. 


Who told Ingo Rademacher that the buzz cut is a good look?



What the hell, Max?

Max: If Dante offered you this deal, you can't trust him.
Sonny: It wasn't Dante. I--I---I--I made the deal with Claire Walsh and she...agreed.
Max: I don't see how trusting a lady prosecutor is any better than trusting a cop.

He was, like, repulsed by the "lady" part of "lady prosecutor". Shut up, Max.


Is Dante carbo-loading for a marathon?


Why did Lulu buy him that much bread?!


Did anyone else get really annoyed at the recap of Sonny's adversaries turned lovers?

Lucky: Proceed with caution. You don't want your name added to the list of female officers of the court who took Sonny on and ended up with more trouble than they bargained for?
Claire: List?
Lucky: Hannah Scott, Reese Marshall, Alexis Davis. All of them...eventually succumbed to his charm

I find it offensive that the writers are going to rip themselves off AGAIN and are making light of the ripping off. Like, "Haha, aren't we cute, getting inspired by the show's history?"


Why is Jane Elliot so awesome, even in stories that don't deserve her full effort?

Tracy: Can you get your women to stagger their visits? It's getting a little claustrophobic for me. And by the way, did I mention that I HATE being chloroformed, kidnapped and thrown into a damn dungeon?


As long as she is hilarious, I am going to watch her scenes, even when they are poorly written and stupid. My life would be so much better if she would just half ass it once in a while!


Was I the only one who scoffed, "Not even a little bit, Dante"?

I really enjoyed Dante and Lucky both psychoanalyzing Johnny (correctly--it is about time that someone reminded Johnny that his sister was...um, horrendous in every way), but come on!

Dante: [Johnny's] a weird combination. In business, he's logical and detached, but he's got buttons. You push 'em, he's as nutty as his old man.

NOBODY comes close to the hilarious crazy of Anthony Zacchara. Even at his most irrational and reckless, Johnny seems placid and soothing compared to his father.


Is it just me, or did Maurice Benard give his best performance in weeks when he was making slightly homoerotic comments to and about Johnny?


I've been painstakingly documented the stammer-filled mess that has been Maurice Benard's body of work lately, but there was a spark in his plot against Johnny, and his new interest in this turn of events caused him to learn his lines. They were just...sexual lines.

Sonny: So Johnny wants me badly, right?

Sonny: Hope you enjoyed your stroll, Johnny Boy, because I'm about to make you beg for mercy.

I think he was striving to be threatening, but he landed on saucy, and it was delightful.


Sonny so has a hard on for Johnny.


Lucky does not look old enough to drive!

This episode confused me in so many ways...not the least of which was when Lucky dropped Hannah's name (in what I recognize was a wink wink nudge nudge manner because Jon married her) I was too busy trying to remember if Lucky wasn't kidnapped, presummed dead and brain washed during much of her time in Port Charles but why if that was the case he still had time to wonder about Sonny's love life.

Sonny does become alive in these homoerotic scenes doesn't he? The only other time i see him that aware was when he and Franco had their epic battle for Jason's heart.

You thought agreeing with Nicolas and Jason was bad, how about agreeing with Dr. Lisa Niles! A character whose whole purpose was to bring trouble for Robin and Patrick! Can you stomach that? When Patrick accused Lisa of using her patient's life as a ploy to get in with the chief, my jaw actually dropped! That is so... Just No, alright no! Lisa was way more well tempered than I would have been.

Speaking of Steve and Lisa, I think they are cute together. I know she is only using him to make Patrick jealous, (which is working for some unfathomable reason, btw why is it working?) but Steve is awesome! I wished we got to see more of him, And Matt. Where the hell is Matt? More Matt Please!

Note to Jason being young and looking weak and vulnerable are never advantages in prison. Jesus I can't believe they are going to do a Prison rape story! I just can't...- No!

Did Brook Lynn have that accent last time she was in PC? I don't thinks so. Anyway, It sounds fake and awkward. As for her storyline I hope they don't do a character destroy ploy! She is Ned and Lois' daughter

There was absolutely no fall out from the Sonny Kristina scene, in which Lexi Ainswoth rocked there, and Maurice Bernard was well erm... There he was there.

Also is anyone else terrified of Lucky and Claire together? I am. After her meltdown psycho freak out in the park, I am terrified of this as a possible pairing. That would just be ugh!

I actually would like Lucky & Claire to go out on a date or something for kicks, but soon find out they just aren't compatible.

"I think he was striving to be threatening, but he landed on saucy, and it was delightful."
Ha,this made me laugh too much!

Maybe BL just grew into her face a bit from when she was a teenager. She can still frown so I don't think she had botox or anything. I could be wrong about that, not an expert on frozen face syndrome.

I think Scrubs et al are just happy to get some scenes w/ more substance even if the material isn't the best.

The Jax/Skye scene was extraneous but I guess they need to fill their quota for the month to justify their pay? Seems that way sometimes for some of the actors anyway.

Jason teaching Michael to fight in full view of the rest of the prison was pretty odd. tbh there was a lot of odd scenes today.

I can't stand looking at BrookLynn, and her accent drives me crazy. Just remembering the way she says "ma" is giving me a headache. I also don't remember her with that accent last time she was on my screen.

Am I the only one who noticed how Lulu glossed over the details regarding HOW she got pregnant, like plotting and scheming to break up a marriage (even if it was a teenage marriage)? If I were Dante, I'd be far more horrified at that than her abortion.

I don't really remember any of the rest of the show this week, but I am slightly intrigued by how they handle this s/l with Michael (although I'm sure they will write the prison rape s/l horribly, if they fess up to that being their intention at all).

Well, I can only speculate, but here goes!

Why on earth do the writers insist on featuring Patrick so rarely, and when they do feature him, they highlight his least attractive qualities?

My only thought is that Guza actually has these types of illogical and immature reactions to people questioning his right to....to do anything, and I mean ANYTHING. He envisions that someone who thinks they are the best at something would always act like an ass when someone questions it, because that's what he does. "How dare you question me for drinking chocolate milk up my nose through a straw when I'm supposed to be supervising a script meeting! I'M THE BEST WRITER IN ALL THE LAND AND THEREFORE I CAN DO ANYTHING ELSE I WANT AT THE SAME TIME!"

What the hell is with Brook Lynn's accent?

Perhaps the nose job, eye lift and chin reduction causes her to have the nasally accent? Of course, that doesn't explain the constant switch between bad Brooklyn and what appears to be northern Canadian she does mid sentence.

Note to Mallory: I LOVED that you brought up True Blood!! Such a great show! You're right about the accents, though. Interestingly, the actor who plays Bill is British but he does the best southern accent on the show.

Did they bring Skye back just to make cameo appearances in which she makes good sense?

I have no good answer for you here. Honestly, I don't. If it truly is to make random "good sense" appearances, you definitely would have thought she would have pointed out the majorly BAD CHOICE that Ingo made with that haircut. Is he planning to get a 57' Chevy and open a malt shop?

What a waste of bringing back the character. They've made pointless and illogical stabs at a storyline (via the "I'm trying to find Alcazar's money" plot), but that must have been written during one of Guza's chocolate milk snarfles because they've gone nowhere with it - going nowhere with a plot on GH? Get out of town!!

Is Dante carbo-loading for a marathon?

Ah, it is a given that whenever a person carrying grocery bags is to be included in a scene, one of two things must be showing (or both!) - a loaf of French bread and/or carrots with the leafy green parts hanging over the side. GH must have decided that Dante is Italian, therefore TWO loaves of French bread would be better than one, and what Italian would actually eat a carrot?

(Who the hell buys carrots with the leafy tops on anymore, anyway?? Never understood that).

Apparently, the other rule is that when cups of coffee are to be in a scene, the cups must be empty. Seriously, have you ever seen characters standing there with paper cups of coffee and they are so clearly EMPTY?? They don't even try to pretend they are full. Why CAN'T they be full, even of water, is my question? Wouldn't it be more realistic??

Why is Jane Elliot so awesome, even in stories that don't deserve her full effort?

Because she's Jane Elliott and she kicks ass. Nuff said.

Is it just me, or did Maurice Benard give his best performance in weeks when he was making slightly homoerotic comments to and about Johnny?

Is Sonny gay? Is that why he's always so angry and can't maintain healthy relationships with women? Is this why he throws barware? Does this explain the track suit incident?? Oh my gawd, this answers a LOT of questions....

I was confused by just about everything on this episode, then again most things about GH confuse me these days. I also did not understand why Jason was teaching Michael to fight in the weight room. I half expected the other prisoners to mistake it for a real fight and join in. Something else that confuses me, how does everyone who comes straight from Bensonhurst to Port Charles wind up with different accents?

omg, love the homoerotic comments! floving the screencaps <3

I want to know why Jason is teaching Michael the ways of prison, when one of the things that many of the characters brag about (like Sam) is that Jason has never been convicted of a crime. He really hasn't spent that much time in prison, so what does he know about it? Most of his prison time seems to have been in the comfy PCPD lock-up where he entertained visitors in the interrogation room so often it was laughable. The only advantage Jason has in Pentonville is that he's older and bigger than Michael. I find it hard to believe that an 18 year old convicted of involuntary manslaughter and eligble for parole in 2 years would be doing "hard time" in a state pen, although I don't really know if that is realistic or not. Realistic, that's funny, I forgot we're talking about GH here!

Ingo's hair looks better buzzed then when they load it up with gel and make it stand up like a 3 yr old... stopped watching both GH and AMC so thanks for helping to keep me up to date w/o having to make my ears bleed

I checked the General Hospital Happenings site this morning and happened upon a very unfortunate combination of text and picture. The text:

"Romance is on the horizon for Michael"
(see previous casting call in our News section)
Below that text is a picture of Michael and the prisoner who "visited" him in his cell last week. The text is not supposed to be related to the picture but the combination made me cringe and almost laugh at the same time. I am so hating where they are going with this.

By the way, I was also hugely distracted by the two loaves of bread sticking out of the grocery bag and thought it was funny you mentioned it.

Okay I COMPLETELY agree with the damn bread, it totally drew my entire attention!

And Paula - I have always been offended by the empty coffee cups. We're not dumb, we can see you are all faking it!

If I hear "ma" one more time I might vomit.

I think I would be willing to forgive this show if we could get just ONE scene: Jason dropping the soap in the shower.

Jaynaynay...you know this from back in the days of the forum...but oh you know the way to my heart! I would forgive the show all things if Franco was the one in the shower when the soap got dropped!

The reason that this show confuses you (and me and many others) is because you are making the same mistake I have made for too long while watching - you are attempting to apply LOGIC where no logic exists!

And seriously, all this leading into a Claire and Sonny pairing - haven't we seen that enough already? Forget just the law enforcement women of Hannah, Reese and Alexis, what about all the other women who get involved with Sonny and then want him out of the mob? There's Brenda (who wore a wire), Olivia (who kept Sonny's first born son a secret from him because of his mob-ness), Kate (who actually believed that Sonny could "make it" as a legitimate business man), Emily (who Sonny watched GROW UP - total ick factor there) and even Carly on occasion (who freaks out and swears Sonny off whenever something bad happens - only to end up on his bed, couch or lap two months later - give or take a week).

If we've got to watch the Sonny Corinthos show, can they at least do something new every now and then? Like pair Sonny with a Lily, Claudia or Faith Roscoe type (an in the mob /mob princess type woman) and give that relationship an actual chance instead of killing said woman off in short order (just to put Sonny with yet another woman who wants to save/change him)? I'm most certainly no Sonny fan, but at least that story would be something different to watch - that is, assuming I still actually "watched" the show, which I don't, for all the reasons stated so brilliantly and eloquently on this site.

Another good question (I think) is why so many women watch this show when it's clear that the writers and TPTB hold women in such low esteem? Case in point, Claire. Really? A Federal Prosecutor is going to "seduce" a conviction out of Sonny, as if she couldn't (forgive the pun) nail him using, oh, maybe, HER BRAIN? I don’t know about anyone else, but I just “LOVE” the implication that a strong, intelligent, independent, assertive woman like Claire is so easily willing to whore herself out (by seducing Sonny) to advance her career (by convicting Sonny). It’s nice to know that Guza, et. al., think all women are perfectly willing to abandon their core values and fundamental beliefs at the drop of a hat, just for a nice set of dimples.

Tracy...not to mention since this show established Claire as having baby rabies to the point of basically propositining Lucky in the park in front of his own kids....I'm more than a little afraid that we are being set up for Sonny and his NINTH child.

Beth R. - We should just take over as writers.

could someone take over as the new writers so I can watch it again. Thanks again for the reminder that I am not missing a thing. Your blog with great with the endcaps. Jane is terrific why Tracy Quatermaine and all the young attractive medical professionals (Lisa, Steve, Patrick, Robin, Liz, Matt ) are not the stars of the show is beyond me. I might watch again.. oh well I come here for my fix.....

Mallory, just have to say HOORAY to you for commenting on the horrible True Blood accents. I watched that show once and could not stand it due to the fakeness. I'm glad I'm not the only person in the world who heard it.

Instead of Dr. Lisa, why didn't GH bring back Dr. Sarah Webber and throw her at Patrick and Robin?

Steven Lars Webber should have returned to PC with a teenage son that would have been a love interest for Kristina or a daughter for Michael.

What is the point of Maya? GH blew it when they killed off fan faves Emily and Georgie.

Beth R. - PLEASE don't get me started on how idiotic and demeaning it was to hear Claire rambling on and on to Lucky about her "biological clock" like an absolute lunatic. I'm a single, 37 year old woman (and also a lawyer) and I've CERTAINLY had thoughts about my time to have kids starting to run short. But I WOULD NEVER use the words "biological clock" in talking about it and I WOULD NEVER have that kind of discussion with a male colleague - which Lucky and Claire are in the law enforcement arena - especially one that I barely know.

I really should just give up on this show, but it's been a part of my life since the heyday of Luke & Laura. I keep hoping it will return to the show I used to know (and loved), but it seems to keep up that hope is bordering on (if not fully crossed over into) delusional at this point.

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