Grudge Holding 101

If I had to sum General Hospital up with one word, that word would be hatred.

Surprisingly, the hatred I am referring to is not my own hatred of this show (mostly because, at this point, that just goes without saying), or Bob Guza's hatred of the audience (ibid) but, rather the hatred that fills all of the people in Port Charles. Everyone is embroiled in a blood feud with someone or something, for reasons valid or petty, to the point where misanthropy should have gotten first billing for the past couple of episodes.

LULU VS. SONNY

Lulu is an army of one, continuing to exhibit disdain and hatred for the man who shot an unarmed cop in the chest. It says so much about this show that there is only one person in all of Port Charles who still thinks that was a reprehensible act, and that the person doing the shooting of an unarmed cop is the show's romantic lead. Yes, indeed, it says so much...all of it curse words.

Sonny: It's amazing how committed you are to hating me. It must take a lot of energy.
Lulu: Actually, it's really easy. 'Cause all I have to do is look at the scar on Dante's chest from where you shot him.
Sonny: You know what, Lulu, I made a terrible mistake. Can't we just move on from there?

"Are you really still going on about this, Lulu? So I shot a cop. I apologized, once I found out he was my kid. Let's just let bygones be bygones okay? Geez Louise!"

Lulu: A mistake is forgetting to put the top on the toothpaste or forgetting someone's birthday. You shot your son in the chest.
Sonny: Ok, yeah.

"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds horrible, but it is what it is. Let's move past this. You're being unreasonable."

If I ever get hit in the head and experience amnesia (this is the second time that I have worried about this in as many weeks! I am more in fear of my clumsiness than I realized) and forget why I hate Sonny Corinthos, I am going to count on one of you to explain it to me, which I know sounds like it would be a really long conversation but, really, all you'd need to do is remind me of this conversation and it will jog my memory.

LULU VS. BROOK LYNN "THE HAPPY HOME MAKER" ASHTON

I find it hard to identify a part of this revenge story as the actual worst, but definitely in the top three is how quickly Lulu is falling into this poorly thought out and insulting trap! Don't get me wrong, I'd have also snapped at Brook by this point, but the endless Bensonhurst reminiscing would have been what pushed me over the edge, not...ironing.

Brook: Pushing it? Pushing what?
Lulu: Locking yourself out of the apartment, finding an excuse to show up naked on Dante's doorstep and that whole domestic goddess angle, cooking and cleaning and ironing and finding any excuse to show your happy home making skills. I'm sorry, I have to break it to you: it's not going to work. I'm with Dante. I'm not sharing.

Dante, of course, overheard this entire shrill and possessive exchange, so the story is all set up for Dante thinking Lulu is overreacting, and Lulu becoming more and more paranoid, and me getting tension headaches.

LIZ VS. NIKOLAS

This is another one of those feuds that I find completely rational; how could I disagree with someone being angry with Nikolas when I, myself, have been angry with him for the better part of the year due to the fact that he is terrible. No, my beef here is really with Shirley, who is a total buttinski.

Shirley: Thank you. Next time why don't I just hold the doors open and you can push Nikolas down the elevator shaft.

Elizabeth: I told you there was a lot of tension between us.

Shirley: Yeah, the tension seems to be going one way, from you to him.

I don't particularly relish the chance to quote Dodgeball for the express purpose of yelling at a kindly cancer patient, but: cram it up your cramhole, Shirley. I know you are hear to teach Liz and viewers important life lessons and to sear our eyeballs with your ugly jewelry but really.

LIZ VS. COMMON FUCKING SENSE

Elizabeth, I need to talk to you and I need to do it in all caps: THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?

Elizabeth: Mmm, maybe not. Jason set up a trust for Cameron and Jake. If I talk to Diane, I can see about breaking it. If the return on the money is as great you think it might be, then I would never have to take anything from Nikolas ever again.

I understand that you are inexplicably having financial problems and can't afford to send Cam to a fancy, expensive summer camp* but what the hell kind of person decides to use the money in the trust fund that her hitman babydaddy set up for her children to make an investment? This is a HORRIBLE idea. Scratch that, this is the kind of idea that horrible ideas look at with terror and disgust. Again: THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?

*An easy solution to this dilemma would be to stand at the nurse's station and loudly announce, "Cam wants to go to Bubble World Aquarium's summer camp!" and then stand back as throngs of people who are delighted by Cam rush over to make donations.

CARLY VS. SONNY

Sonny immediately realized that something was off about Carly forgiving Lulu for her betrayal, since Carly's brain is incapable of forgiveness, which makes it even worse that Lulu hasn't picked up on this yet. How humiliating it will be for her when not only realizes the truth, but realizes that Sonny figured it out before she did?!

Carly tried to deflect Sonny's interrogation about her revenge scheme by hitting him where it hurts (the part of his heart that is devoted to thoughts about himself) with what hurts him the most: the truth.

Carly: When I look at Lulu, I see myself. I see all the stupid things I did in the name of love. Hell, I destroyed my mom's marriage. I maybe should have let Michael grow up with AJ.
Sonny: Do you really want to go there?
Carly: Would Michael be in prison if he grew up a Quartermaine?

No, he'd have been killed off a couple of years ago.

Also: Hello, there, Duh Face!

 

SONNY VS. JOHNNY

Sonny is like a rabid dog with his hatred of Johnny (the tiny kind of dog that you can carry in a purse, obviously). When Carly admitted that she, Sonny and Jason are to blame for the turn Michael's life had taken, but immediately followed that up by stating that Dante is most at fault for him being in prison, Sonny lashed out:

Sonny: Now you sound like Johnny Zacchara...[...]...you're going to side with that lying freak?

I found that incredibly amusing, like Sonny was just itching to work Johnny into the conversation somehow and seized the first opportunity. Please don't interpret this as my being interested in their pissing match/mob war, because...oh, goodness, I am not. I have not managed to pay attention to a full Johnny/Ethan scene, so I have no real idea what's going on. It just cracks me up to imagine Sonny being so obsessed with Johnny (in that way!) and searching for ways to talk about him.

KRISTINA VS. SONNY

Kristina continues to be a pocket-sized ray of light on this show, refusing to back down from her assertion that Sonny is abusive, even if he's never hit his wife or children. I am proud of her (or as proud as I can be of a fictional character) that she is standing her ground, even though her brother completely disagrees with her:

Kristina: I'm beginning to realize how messed up I am. I let Kiefer hit me because there was never a man in my life to set a positive example.
Michael: What about Dad?

Michael! Pay attention, puh-lease! She specifically said positive example! Sonny's an example of a lot of things, all right, including narcissism, Napoleon complex and expert stemware flinging, but treating women--hell, treating human beings with respect? Kind of not his strong suit.

So she went to discuss her feelings with her father. How do you think he took it? If you answered anything but "poorly", you must have quit watching this show in 1999.

Kristina: Michael says you love me, and that you're not abusive.
Sonny: Your brother knows me well [OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE--Ed.]
Kristina: You really can't stand to hear the truth about yourself, can you?
Sonny, irritated: Okay--
Kristina: So you have Michael, whose stuck in prison because of you, fight your battles. But it doesn't matter because I know the truth. I've seen it over and over. You're abusive. And you'll never change, because you can't even admit you're wrong.

That sounds like the speech that would come at the climax of a Lifetime movie and, if you know anything about me at all, you know that's the highest of compliments.

(Uh, quick question though: why is Skye giving Kristina motherly advice instead of, you know, Alexis? And where is Lila Rae? I hope she's not wandering the streets of Port Charles aimlessly while her mother lavishes attention on Kristina and Jax!)

PATRICK VS. STEVEN

Patrick: I'm sure it's great, but I really don't feel like Tex-Mex.
Steven: Or we can vote on it?
Lisa: Yeah!
Patrick: Or...we can go back to Plan A.
Lisa: Which is?
Patrick: Which is, you buy me dinner for helping out in surgery and we can discuss the investment another time.

I know I am going to regret ever saying this, because I can't even begin to imagine the kind of depraved things the GH writing staff would have me do, but desperate times call for desperate measures: I will do anything if it gets the writers to give Patrick something else to do besides act like a jealous, petulant childover Stone or over Steven's relationship with Lisa. Bribery? Fine. Elaborate, novel length Bob Guza/Jason Morgan fan fiction? I'll do it, Guza! I'll do it!

I'm left crafting elaborate conspiracy theories for why this is the only note they let poor Jason Thompson play: are they trying to disprove my assertion that he is always charming ("Always, Mallory? What about now, when he's acting like a toddler? How about now, when describing the way he's acting as 'acting like a toddler' is an insult to toddlers?")? Are they trying to get people so enraged by this story that they eventually just start fast-forwarding Patrick (and Patrick and Robin) scenes, thereby giving the show a convenient excuse for cutting Scrubs airtime from eight minutes a week to two? There has to be some nefarious plot going on here because the notion that people think this is entertainment just...depresses me.

Comments

[Sharron]

AGREED.

[tish]

i remember when ABC had the tag line "love in the afternoon"-- where is the love??? where is the romance?? where is the sanity?? thank you for great blog.. great insights... it was a great show once wasn't it? I mean I remember watching GH and enjoying it.. I have fond memories of Lila, Alan, Stone , Brenda, Laura, Luke, Jeff Webber... where is that show now? I want character developement rather than just plot developement. I want to see all the characters on contract rather than just 3. I want to see heros I can root for rather than criminals I detest.

[LadyBug]

GH writers have done a number on Liz....they need to go back to soap writing 101 and fix the character...ASAP!

Why is Shirley still alive? Seriously? What is her purpose on the show other than to push Liz at Nic?

[Danielle]

I miss those days of "love in the afternoon" too! How long will everyone in town be talking to Sonny about whether or not he's abusive? Why does a mob boss even care? Why was Olivia comforting him as though he was a kid who was being bullied on the playground? Earlier this week he actually said to Olivia, about Claudia, "She got Michael shot," and she didn't say a word about him shooting Dante. But then a clearly over-caffeinated Dante ran into the room a minute or so later to have a freakout and remind us of that shooting! The one he's so angry about that he lied about it so that he could keep Sonny out of jail ... so he could send him to jail? Speaking of jail, when Michael gets out, will he go to therapy to find out why he let someone abuse him? If so, I hope he has to drag Sonny along with him and we can go through all of this again. Can't wait!

[Monica]

Where's the romance? On GH this week, the only romantic couple I saw was Luke and Tracy - and they're locked up in Helena's dungeon with Tracy hacking up a lung! Or, at least it WAS romantic until Luke rambled on about their "fake" wedding and the little popsicle opened her eyes and apparently caught that little slip. Such a dumb plot maneuver!

[Matilda]

Every story on GH right now is plain and simply crap I find myself enjoying the set decorations more then the characters on set. Nothing has been well written and the characters saying the same stupid stuff over and over again is snooze worthy. Surprisingly enough the Patrick/Steven/Lisa garbage IMO is not as bad as some of the rest of these stories or non stories and that is saying a lot for me because Steven Webber and Lisa is two of the dullest boring characters GH has had in a long long time (I feel bad for JT having to be subjected to the mind numbingly boring idiot characters who have no screen presence )but in the 5 hours of GH per week their few minutes don't much bother me as opposed to the never ending segments with Sonny and whoever he has a scene with ... And it seems tiic are putting all their steamy scenes into Lantes basket and I gotta say I'm already so sick and tired of them I have began to FF every single time I see them. I like that Kristina and Lulu are standing up against Sonny I really do but I have watched GH for to long and I know eventually they will do a 180 and be back to kissing his butt. I do not know what the problem is but it seems to me every year that passes the writing gets worse and worse. I liked so many of these characters at one time but I find myself not caring about any of them anymore and that is depressing for me.

[Gio]

I just love how Sonny is just so shocked that anyone could hate him. And his whining to LuLu was really rich, considering the way he used Carly's turning him over to the Feds as proof that she is this awful person.

[izzi]

awesome format of this entry. aint watching but BrookLynn locking herself out of her apt naked...too much. Loving your Kristina love.

[Mary]

Dodgeball, good one!

[Terri]

I agree with all of it but especially about Liz...why can't she just ask her brother to sponsor Cam's camp...or like you said just as some her fellow nurses to help donate. All of these stories or so plot driven an illogical...why wouldn't Liz ask her brother or why wouldn't Brook Lynn ask her great-grandfather for the money to pay off her debit...instead of pimping herself. Makes no since at all...Yeah no love or character driven stories in the afternoon...

[realbrenda4evr]

Agree on all accounts.

I do have to say I'm shocked that there was no comment about Maxie's hair b/c..........oh boy.....and this is just the beginning....

[Mary Beth]

Hey, the writers remembered that Jason paid Liz off? Erm, I mean, created a trust for Jake and Cam? That actually impresses me for some reason. But. . . it's like a bunch of million dollars. Why on earth does it need to be something they can't access for a really long time? Shouldn't he have wanted to ensure his kid (and Cam) could go to camp if they wanted to?

Stupid show and its stupid illogical plot contrivances.

And also its stupid character ruining writing. That sucks, too.

[Beth R.]

Here's an even simplier solution to the day camp dilemna..since Lucky apparenlty has enough money to fly to GREECE on a HUNCH that Luke is there with Helena....why doesn't she ask Lucky...you know Cam's father if they can swing it together? Just saying....

Also...why was STeven not confused by the notion that random mafia hitman created a trust for his nephews? did I miss the scene where that nightmare had been explained to him? It's not like he was in town when it happened. And as we all know Jason and Liz's entire relationship had to be a SECRET because of the DANGER OMG THE DANGER, so it's unlikely he would have just known.

As for why Shirley's a buttiniski...the show in my mind has decided that since Guza's been telling us for a freaking YEAR that Nik has now gone CAssadine (instead of you know acting the way he always does when he doesn't get his way) that he really did and he's paying Shirley to plead his case to Liz. You know since his repeated attempts to get Lulu, Robin, Steven and Lucky to do it for him all failed. But the show in my head is way better than the one on screen.

[Lisa]

I agree with everything written above. I must add that the other day, I was totally over seeing Sonny going door to door in order to ascertain if he is/was abusive or not. I mean really! How stupid. M.B.'s delivery of his lines has been astonishingly hideous for about a year or more but this week, he seems to have gone from bad to worse. Stuttering, mumbling, saying "ya know" a thousand times in each sentence, it was all too much. Also, I'm sick to death of all the reminiscing about the old neighborhood. It's almost like a cartoon version of life in NYC. Every name is Italian etc. Just goofy.

[sanen85]

My question is why is it okay to take money from one of your baby's daddy's but not the other. Do you just get to pick and choose whether or not the man you slept with will get to provide for his child based on how much you hate him (and yourself for sleeping with him) that week?

[Linda Breshears]

I agree with everything you said except the Liz parts. Why is her giving Nic a constant bitch face and attitude A-OK but he can't return the favor? She has absolutely no reason to treat him like she does. One day she is vowing to try to get along, the next day she's acting like he's dog poo.

And more...why is she broke? Lucky pays child support, her house is paid for and her kids are in daycare at her work or her grandmothers. What bills does this highly paid nurse have exactly that she can't afford camp? And how much does this camp cost that she has to break into her kids trust fund?

[Sarah]

Perfection in a post! Whenever I am feeling abused by actually watching GH, I come here for real entertainment and solace from our collective soapy woes.

Two random things that have been annoying me a lot lately in GHland.

1) What happened to the seriously offensive and nonsensical plot twist where Liz confided in Robin that Nikolas was the bestest sexy sex of her whole damn life?

2) Why is Patrick such a whiny tantrum throwing dumb baby? Why is he hot for Lisa and/or SLW? The Lisa Steven scenes bring boring to new heights. The jealous Patrick thing is pathetic and stupid on all possible levels. And more importantly why is he still such an uberfan of Carly? She is the selfish lying greedy bitch who chose mobsters to raise her kids? If he loathes Sonny so much why not wake up and see Carly is also a life long threat to her kids? Michael is in prison and she bangs Sonny again and Jax is MIA. How is she so shiny in Patty's eyes while Sonny is the devil? Don't get me wrong, Sonny is the worst! But IMO Carly is just as awful a parent.

The point of question #2 is I miss "hotly" Patrick :-(

[Bourgeois Nerd]

Why is Liz the only one who ever has money troubles on this show? Remember when they had a nurse and a cop not have any health insurance? And doesn't she have a well-off grandmother she could borrow money from? I mean, the woman's just a car horn now; she can't have many expenses. And isn't the point of a trust that it's something that isn't easy to break? And since Diane was the one who probably created the trust, isn't it an ethical violation for her to be the one to break it? Why am I trying to bring logic to this AWFUL, AWFUL SHOW I DON'T EVEN WATCH ANYMORE BECAUSE IT IS AWFUL?!?

I can just hear the Liz-haters now, too. "Oh, she's so dumb! She's an awful mother! Blah blah blah." Ugh.

[Tabby]

I know that the luke and laura story is not popular among most, but I remember being 13 and tuning in every day just to watch them. I remember playing hookie from school to see their wedding. I vaguely remember Heather Webber, and Jeff and the excitment of her crazy storyline. Rick and Leslie, Frisco and Felicia, Mac and Felicia, yeah and I even in my silly youth liked Sonny and Lily together.

And then I remember the 90's, getting my baby down for a nap so I could stretch out on the sofa and watch Brenda, Liz, Lucky, Robin, Stone.... Jax

There's no romance.

There's no love in the afternoon. Unless you count the latest Dante/Lulu romps in bed and on the sofa...

There's no more nurses balls.

No more Quartermaines.

Spinelli. Enough said.

I don't know why i hang on to this show. I've gone back and forth with it. Maybe it's because I grew up on it, or maybe I have hope the show will miraculously get better writers.

Most all of the legacy characters have been destroyed. And now we need to bring James and Betsy Franco on to boost ratings.

It seems to me that ever since the Carly, Jason, and Sonny trio began, this show has gone to the toilet.

I'm reading praise for these sucky characters on ABC's GH facebook. People actually like this crap.

I just don't know anymore.

[Amanda]

Can we talk about how cute Matt & Maxie are!? Thank you GH for finally dusting off Matt and bringing him out to us!

[LadyBug]

When Jason had Diane set up the trust for Cam and Jake, he should have gone one step further and told Diane to work with Liz in setting up someone who could help her invest the money properly. This would solve all of Liz's problems and she could use the interest generated by the trust for Cam and Jake.

[Barbiegal]

Great idea, Ladybug, but you're not seriously using logic, are you?? This is the same show that allows family members of the accused to sit on the jury and yell out that they there's no way they'll find the defendant guilty. The real world does not exist in Port Chuckles.

[Rachel C]

Carly: Would Michael be in prison if he grew up a Quartermaine?

No, he'd have been killed off a couple of years ago.

I laughed MAO when I read that part.

[Emmy]

Um, so, Tabby's mention of the GH Facebook page got me curious, so I took a peak. The first thing that I read was a poll:

How can Jason protect Michael?
A. Teach him to kill.
B. Kill Carter himself.
C. Just leave him alone to figure things out on his own.

Seriously...I'm beyond words. How does a show come to that?

[Marianne]

Why, oh, Lord, Why?! did I start watching this show again? Why didn't I just hire someome to beat the shit out of me if I enjoy pain so much?

And one thing you didn't mention (I'm hoping it's b/c you plan an entire, column long rant about it), that further emphasizes how this show has managed to take the only decent couple they had (now that they've SQUANDERED Jonathan Jackson's return) and kill them: Robin is now the devil b/c she wants to take 3 weeks out of her life to save AIDS babies in Africa......THE HELL IS WRONG WITH *ALL* THESE F'IN PEOPLE?!

[Gio]

Ok, maybe I'm a bit of a cynic, but am I alone in the feeling that, when Liz does gain access to the trust or whatever it is, she will invest the money and her investment will go sour, thus a. paving the way for her to go groveling to Nick, and b. confirming Guza's belief that women are basically helpless creatures who cannot manage money and have to depend on a guy to save them?

[Beth]

Oh Gio, you've hit the nail on the head! They'll probably have Nik pat Liz on her head after this all blows up and tell her to get the apron on and make him a turkey pot pie.

Two questions:

I've been hearing that supposedly Nikolas has "gone to the dark side" (a plot point that is brought up at least a hundres times a season on this show), so does "dark side" translate into "giant d-bag?' 'Cause that's where the boy is at this point.

And Liz's bitch face - is it eligible for an Emmy nomination next year? 'Cause that sucker has it in the bag.