I'm Renewing My Vow of Irritation With This Show

I need someone to explain to me, in the simplest manner possible and, preferably, with monosyllabic words (in other words, please explain this to me as though I were Brian Frons), why on earth All My Children has chosen to focus the better part of this week on the shenanigans and intrigue leading up to the wedding of a couple who is already happily married.

It goes without saying that I love a good soap wedding, since they tend to involve all of the soapy things I hold dear: pretty (or decidedly unpretty, which is sometimes even better) frocks, cast integration, heartfelt vows and, often, a completely inappropriate outburst by a jilted lover/disapproving parent/random nefarious evildoer. Really, when they're done right, there is nothing better (even when the marriage doesn't actually happen!).

And I know that most soap weddings are preceded by all sorts of cliched misunderstandings or troubles, like missing rings, or nightmares about the future, or the bride or groom getting waylaid (figuratively or literally, wink wink nudge nudge) on the way to the wedding. These hijinks can either be entertaining or an obvious ploy by the writing staff to stretch a wedding story out until the end of the week and, well, it's completely obvious that the latter is true, in the case of Jake and Amanda's wedding, which is especially galling because, as I said italicized above and must now shout all caps lock-y, THEY ARE ALREADY HAPPILY MARRIED. So the seemingly endless airtime devoted to the groom getting arrested, and the massive search for a missing wedding ring, and the like is so irksome because the worst case scenario for all of this crap is that, oh, well, they don't have this party and it's okay BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY HAPPILY MARRIED, OH MY FREAKING GOODNESS.

I suppose it could be worse: this could all be about a couple that I don't like (I think Jake and Amanda are adorable under the best circumstances; at worst, I am annoyed by or indifferent to them, but it's not like I loathe and despise them like I do a certain couple that the show is trying to pimp so hard that I want to file a restraining order against them, yes, RYLEE, I am looking at you with fear and loathing in my eyes) and it could be taking away precious screentime from a story I actually care about and since AMC right now has none of those, that's not a problem. The problem is the endless, soul-sucking boring.

While I am asking questions that can best be answered with the phrase "Because these people are hopelessly inept", may I ask why the wardrobe department has such a horrible track record when it comes to dressing Jamie Luner in clothes manufactured this decade that actually flatter her?

Because since we nearly saw her naked this week, and nearly naked Jamie Luner looks like this:

 

Which means, for starters, that I have a new workout inspiration and also that one has to actively seek out clothes to make her look bad, because that body is made for rocking a wide variety of clothes. I have to believe that there is some sort of blood feud between Jamie Luner and someone in the wardrobe department and, having seen the way they dress some of their other stars, I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and put the blame completely on the wardrobe department, who must have her mixed up with a truly evil person on whom they are trying to get revenge. It's the only plausible explanation.

I really hate that Damon now has the upper hand here, with proof that Liza stupidly (I mean, really! What a terrible scheme!) tried to hit on him, because I hate Damon, and I hate that he can now taunt Liza, when, really, she's the only person in this damn town with a lick of sense and since she's a nitwit who had a fake pregnancy a year ago, that's saying something and that something is "What the hell has happened to this show? Adam, come back! Zach and Kendall, I miss you!" You know that when this all comes out, everybody is going to be aghast, because it's so much worse than Damon's various crimes and misdemeanors and generally horrendous attitude.

Did you know that everybody in town hates David? This is something the show has been exploring with subtlety, so I completely understand if you missed it. Similarly, Greenlee knows what happened to Erica and she feels guilty about that. Again, the show isn't, like, having Greens walk around with big, baleful eyes and responding to everyone who speaks to her all skittishly, as though she has a big thought bubble over her head that says, "I totes know what happened to Erica!" I know, I didn't get it at first either, but after the 942nd time someone used the pronoun "she" in a conversation with Greenlee and Greenlee jumped eight feet in the air with a look of unbridled terror on her face, it all made sense to me!

[This is where I should say something about the moment between Ryan and Greenlee that I have seen described as warm, but I describe as white hot, as in "the very thought of these two rekindling the vomit-inducing dysfunction junction this show tries to pass off as a romance to end all romances fills me with such white hot rage that I temporarily went blind". And I will say something: vomit. But that's all I'll say, because I have a feeling that the more I discuss how utterly wrong this couple is, the sooner the writers will dismantle David and Greenlee and throw her back into Ryan's horrible arms. I have a theory that Rylee is like a horror movie serial killer who feeds off of the hatred of viewers and gains superhuman strength with which to kill us all. Not literally...just, like, our happiness.]

Comments

[guilty pleasure]

Mallory, did you noticed that mini music video at the end of yesterday's show!!! (6/9) That just seemed out of place and very weird to me!!!! This is AMC, not AMCMTV!!!!

[kat]

I swear, in that second shot, is her boob out? That might be the most exciting thing that has happened on there lately.

[buddz]

The wedding may lack any substantive, well, substance, but it's light-hearted fun and everyone gets to dress up! (Unfortunately, Greenlee was in a 50's black nylon mess and her hairdo looked like it might be hiding a small woodchuck. Okay. A full grown woodchuck.)
All in all, a nice wedding is ever so much more entertaining than summer teen angst or a return-from-the-dead lurker.

But you're right, the worst part of it all was the relighting of the Rylee Flame. And your clever phrase, "Vomit-Inducing Dysfunction Junction," is the only epithet that comes close to describing it. (And it would be an apt headline in a certain soap mag, if you can work it in!)

And to think, we get to see the gum-on-a-pen in the next Ryan/Greenlee Montage. And you know there will be one. Ack.

[Cindy]

AMC is a hot mess there really isn't much to root for with the remaining cast of characters. Scott corporate mogul is a laugh in itself!!!!!!! When AMC's sexiest couple left they needed to promote their only other couple that had some popularity, Jamanda. They also needed some romance to try to lighten the darkness created by Pratt. I find it amusing that they seem to be trying to make all this couple Zendall like, Jake scruffy. Well it isn't working. IMO this couple is just your typical soap couple, they don't have the chemistry or the ability to be sexy as Zen had. I find Jamanda OK, but so not worth the three days of this wedding stuff. It seemed too much of a publicity stunt to be up against OL's Bo and Nora wedding. Oh well it's a matter of time for this obviously boring couple to be pulled apart...can't have them happy now can we.

It is pretty sad when the worst of the two evils is Rylee. They are trying so hard to make Ryan the whitest knight ever in the history of AMC. He is an abusive ass, but compared to David he is a saint. I find it humorous that he is so great he can take a stick of gum on a pen and get a ring out...when all is needed was a screw driver. Hey and even I a dumb woman knows how to handle one of those.

I am so worried what will be waiting for Kendall when she returns to AMC without her ruggedly handsome husband, that I'm really not looking forward to her return.

[Windy]

Mallory you are dead on with everything especially the white hot blinding rage Rylee causes. The only reason I started watching AMC again after the Pratt mess was because I heard they had paired Greens with David and to my surprise I loved them. Now I see they are once again going with round whatever of Rylee and I will get an hour of my day back again.

It took me a while to warm up to JL as Liza but the thought that Liza is being outmaneuvered by Damon is ridiculous.

[Oh Susannah!]

I don't watch AMC anymore, but IA that I miss Zendall so much, as well as Adam Chandler. This show is so incredibly bad- there are just no words. I can't understand why no one gets that. As for Ryan- that's a very good description of the ragemonkey! He is so bad- he makes everyone near him look bad.

[zachfan01]

I give credit to those of you who continue to watch this show. Without Zach Slater . . . I have absolutely no reason to tune into this mess of a show!! He was the only thing that kept me hanging on. God, how I miss that MAHN!!

[Lisa]

I just got done yelling a question at my telly, which was: "What in the hell are they doing going overboard with all these goofy tender wedding scenes when the couple is already MARRIED?!!" David seems to be the only one voicing this and thumbs up to him for doing so. It's just insane, to say the least, that they are putting this much time, energy, wardrobe, etc. into this for no reason whatsoever. We get it. Jake has undying love for Amanda. She lives for him. She loves his family. Bluebirds are perching on shoulders across the cast. This is sheer madness on many levels. The Erica stuff is so ridiculous that I fast forward through it all. Wouldn't the pilot have awakened in the hospital by now and spilled the beans? Just so many dopey loopholes. I actually enjoyed the David/Greens pairing and now, they are ruining them all for the sake of Ryan, whose voice I could never stand. As for Scott, Annie, J.R. and that whole bunch, they are just about the highlight of the show for me, if that tells you anything. I am going to quit watching this if things don't pick up soon. Whew, I'm done!!

[Maya]

OMFG Ryan is so annoying. "Greenlee you decided to tell MEEEE. Why? Why would you tell MEEEE?" I totally wish he was stuck in West Virginia with Caleb the mountain man.

[Pavarti31]

With the ratings as as bad as they are, the show needs to do something to get some of their alienated fans back.
What to do? What to do? OH! I KNOW!!!
Bring back the couple who made a one-day yacht wedding an event of beauty and smoldering passion. Yep. I'm talking about Zendall.

[Guzasux]

This show has its problems, but it's not GH. So that's a big plus. I have been wondering, though, ever since Damon pulled out his cell phone, why Liza didn't turn the tables and tell him that all those photos prove is he was spying on her getting undressed... she is supposed to be smarter than he is. In any case, the pull between them is starting to feel an awful lot like the pull between Annie and JR. Twisted people doing twisted things. That's fun!

[T Kenner]

I have been an AMC fan for years. I stopped watching a few years back and tuned in for the David and Greenlee wedding. I love them as a couple. I hate Rylee and would never have Greenlee return to a man who faked his death to not marry her or be a father to her child. He almost hit her when he found out she was pregnant. Why would Greenlee leave David for Ryan. David treats her great and loves her.