Port Charmless

Bob Guza's tendency to watch a movie and immediately adapt it, badly, for his own nefarious, Jason-worshiping purposes, has become a running joke with General Hospital viewers. Well, perhaps "joke" isn't the right word choice there, as it implies that the situation involves humor. There is no humor here, just complete and utter sadness that this man has built an empire rewriting stories poorly. But you know what I mean: HBO airs a movie, Bob Guza catches it and thinks to himself, "Wouldn't it be awesome if that happened in Port Charles and included lines about what an amazing person Jason is?" and we wind up with Kate Howard Wears Prada, the saga of dueling police and mafia informants that I refuse to even describe as a rip-off of The Departed because that would require mentioning this show and The Departed in the same sentence and I just cannot even, and the upcoming Lisa Niles: Bunny Boiler.

I think he must have stumbled across Mean Girls at some point recently, too, because there was a whole lot of sass and venom on today's episode.

Spinelli, in particular, seemed like he was about ten seconds away from taking out his own Burn Book, which I'm sure would be named something utterly ridiculous, and writing a hateful screed about Dante. Although I don't think that any of his secret musings could be more disturbing and unsettling than what he admitted out loud and in front of someone today:

Spinelli: Dante might find himself in a crime scene photo of his own. Not that I would shed a tear.

Explain this to me as simply as possible, using small words and speaking slowly. Basically, pretend you're talking to Bob Guza: why should I not be repulsed beyond reason with Spinelli? Because where the show sees "adorable, zany sidekick", I see "Fuck the what?"

Spinelli isn't the only one who pitched a bitch today. When Maxie pointed out that Lucky showing up at the hospital when Elizabeth was in labor said volumes about his feelings about her, he lashed out:

Lucky: What I feel is my business, all right? Just leave it alone.
Maxie: All I was trying to say--
Lucky: Are you just looking for attention? What are you doing here? What, Spinelli is done making his life all about you, so you're insinuating yourself into mine?
Maxie: Okay. You asked me to go to that concert with you, because you wanted to move on. That was your idea. Don't take it out on--
Lucky: I have moved on.
Maxie: Oh, really? So what are you doing here?
Lucky: Well, anything's better than self destructing with you.

OUCH, right? They were both speaking the truth, really, but that was ice cold! Maxie reacted by changing into a tracksuit, eating ice cream and talking to her magazine. I probably would have reacted, well, like this:

Okay, I really just wanted a reason to post that .gif, because HOLY HELL, do I love James Frain. Franklin's scenes on last night's True Blood filled me with sheer joy. "Watch how fast I type 'mothafucka'!" SHEER JOY. Can we keep talking about True Blood and, like, Inception and other non GH-y things? Because the non GH-y world is so much more fun...

Lucky made up for his detour into the world of Regina George by dropping by Maxie's with sugar cookies and an apology and an admission that he still wishes the baby was his. And somewhere in Los Angeles, Bob Guza pumps his fist and shouts, "Foreshadowing, bitches!"

Speaking of foreshadowing...

Dante: I need Jason out of prison, or we're going to see a lot more dead bodies this time. Maybe even one of our own.

Now we can all start playing the "Is this the episode where Ronnie shows up dead?" game.

Picking up where we left off on Friday's episode, Sonny got in the newly remembered Warren Bauer's face about Kiefer. The confrontation was notable for the strident overacting on the part of the latter, and for the former's inability to remember his lines and attempting to buy himself some time by making overly emotional facial expressions. In a matter of seconds, Sonny was able to see into the sordid history of the Bauer family and assessed that Warren is an abusive pig.

Sonny: Abusers aren't...they aren't born, they're taught [actually, he said TOT, as in tater, but I think he meant "taught"]. You get hit enough, you eventually hit back.
Warren: More baseless accusations. I can see how Kristina comes by her lying so naturally.
Sonny: I can see the truth all over your face. You knew damn well that your son was capable of doing what he did to Kristina, and you did nothing. You wanna know why? Because you hit Kiefer first.

It was...not a good few minutes of acting.

Kristina and Sonny then discussed Sonny's newfound compassion for Kiefer, and Sonny said if Kiefer were still alive that he'd try to get him help and you could almost hear the Full House audience say "Awww". 

Remember when he almost got her blown up, like, ten minutes ago? Yeah.

What I am about to say is shocking. I never thought that my fingers would be able to type these letters, in this precise order, but: the scenes with Nikolas and Liz as their son was born were almost sweet.

Please don't think that this means I am at all on board with Nik and Liz romantically, because DISGUST. The pairing continues to be all sorts of wrong and all sorts of ew, but Aiden's birth marked the first time that Tyler Christopher and Becky Herbst were in a scene together without projecting boredom (him) and utter revulsion )(her). It was suprising! And their discussion about naming the baby was cute.

Elizabeth: There's only one problem.
Nikolas: Problem? What? He has ten fingers, ten toes. I swear, I counted three times.
Elizabeth: He doesn't have a name. Did you come up with any?
Nikolas: Uh, I wasn't sure that you wanted my opinion on the subject.
Elizabeth: I'm sorry for shutting you out. So what do you want to name him?
Nikolas: Spencer suggested we call him Buzz Lightyear?
Elizabeth: Buzz Lightyear Cassadine?
Nikolas: It's easier to pronounce than most of the names in my family.
Elizabeth: Well, it'd definitely get Cam and Jake's vote but I think we should go for something a little more traditional. I don't want social services showing up at my house.
Nikolas: How about we name him after your father?
Elizabeth: Jeff Cassadine?
Nikolas: Right.

You really have to give ABC credit for continuing to pimp Toy Story 3, which is already a box office sensation and an instant classic that I loved more than words can express. I admire their desire to go the extra mile!

The fact that Aiden's hospital bracelet ends with 66 can only mean that he is going to wind up as a pawn in Franco's latest game, which is...utterly unsurprising. Bad things happen to babies in this town! I mean, it's a miracle that his birth was so uncomplicated, especially since Kelly delivered him (did anyone else squawk with indignant laughter when Robin described Kelly as "capable" the other day? Capable compared to what, Robin? A tree stump? Actually, she doesn't even hold up compared to a tree stump, because the tree that babysat Emma performed ADMIRABLY last winter). Naturally, being kidnapped (? maybe? Probably?) by a madman is coming up.

Speaking of Franco, today we watched Franco watching scenes from Franco's last go-round. For more than two minutes. I once opined that I would watch James Franco sit and stare at the wall; that was just a figure of speech, GH, it wasn't a dare.

Lastly, TV Guide did an interview with Bob Guza about Brenda's return. Mostly, it tells us what we already know (Brenda will interact with Sonny, Jax and Jason? Shocker! Actually, the part about her interacting with Jax is kind of shocking), but there was one line that was just so telling:

Bob Guza: I love the way this whole thing is setting up.

Does your arm have a cramp from so vigorously patting yourself on the back, tool? You're the one setting it up! UGH, hate!

Comments

[LadyBug]

I was tired of Spinelli after two years ago.

Lucky and the never ending LnL66666666 makes me want to dig my eyes out with a spoon.

Niz - Gross. I hate that GH ruined Liz/Nik friendship for some plot driven drivel that only Guza wanted.

Brenda - I never understood her appeal.

[Beth R.]

"Tot as in tater" might have just made my life even though the entire time I was confused by the notion clealry Keifer is an abuser becuase Warren is an asshole but Sonny...no way Sonny could have learned to be abusive from Deke!

[Jens]

Okay, in general, I'm against the killing of people, but I'm with SpinDork here. Dante's gone and I'm not shedding a tear.

Well, okay, I'd shed a tear. Only because Olivia and Sonny would be on screen even more (yes, it would be possible, you know it and I know it!), wailing about the violence that took their first born.

I FF through about 90% of GH today, it took under 10 minutes to watch. Yet, I still feel like I wasted precious moments of my life, but am still okay with having rewatched storylines over and over again in the past. Ah, GH, this decade has not been our friend.

[Tim Jones-Yelvington]

OMIGOD that link! Horrific!

"Guza intends this to be a less sensational, more realistic take on a tryst gone sour."

This is actually WAY, WAY worse than bunny boiling.

"The actress joined GH last December and was given plenty of time to get viewers on her side."

Um, whoops.

"If Stone was still around, Robin would not be with Patrick — and that's very hard for Patrick to face. It's left him feeling very vulnerable."

Seriously? Seriously??? Puhlease.

[Tim Jones-Yelvington]

Also, it totally would've been possible to craft a marginally entertaining, one-dimensional batshit bunny boiler story, the kind Guza might actually be capable of writing, without committing Scrubicide. One Tree Hill (evil nanny Carrie!!) and that ridiculous Beyonce-Ali Larter movie pulled it off without anybody's genitals touching.

[Tim Jones-Yelvington]

Um, I think I just wanted to use the word "Scrubicide."

[Mary Beth]

Franklin Mott FTW! "They wouldn't let me have a turn!" There was no line he did not make sing.

Also! Eric Northman in a baby blue v-neck!

Alcide continuing to forget a shirt of any kind!

Can you tell I care to discuss GH not at all?

[Mary Beth]

Franklin Mott FTW! "They wouldn't let me have a turn!" There was no line he did not make sing.

Also! Eric Northman in a baby blue v-neck!

Alcide continuing to forget a shirt of any kind!

Can you tell I care to discuss GH not at all?

I fear the day Guza decides to "pay homage" to True Blood. :-|

[KLeBarron]

Yes, let's please talk about True Blood instead. Now there's a show that commits to its dark underworld. Unlike this pansy ass show ruled by the Gummy Bear Mafia.

I rue the day Guza got his first glimpse of The Sopranos.

[TJ]

You forgot about
"Who made you cry? I'll kill him!"
And my personal favorite
Tara-"We need to talk"
Franklin-"Don't say that! Women say that everything goes black and I wake up surrounded by body parts."
Yeah, the horror of Guza copying True Blood.

Mallory, every think about posting a review of TB weekly. It would definitely make me smile.

[Sharron]

Eric in that blue sweater was GLORIOUS!!

[Liz]

Oh god I have been a sporadic GH viewer for the last several years but I'll go through spurts where I pick it back up again and this appears to be one of those times thanks to the advent of SOAPNet into my life. Point being, I haven't been exposed to Spinelli in as concentrated a state as regular viewers and I want him to die a fiery death. He is awful, disgusting, annoying, and easily my least favorite character. Even more than Carly and I haven't liked Carly, um, ever.

[elle]

Aack! No True Blood talk. I haven't begun watching the season yet & I don;t want to be spoiled. I'm quite depressed that Vanessa Marcil married Carmine Giovinazzo earlier this month. I was hoping he was waiting for me.

Wish I had seen some eps of True Blood; I would love to discuss them. GH? Not so much.

[Tim Jones-Yelvington]

lolgummybearmafia.

I think it would be fantastic if Sonny, Jason and Spinelli wore Garcia bear suits.

[Emmy]

@elle: I also shielded my eyes when True Blood was discussed. I am a season behind and it's KILLING me.

[Dillon]

Kill me but I am a lone lover of all things Niz, yes I hate the way they were brought together and this was something that could of happened a long time ago. For me I can't handle another LnL go around and there are no other viable options for my Liz so why not a prince. And yesterday's scenes remind me that they can be good together.
I like soapy goodness, its why I would love Maxie to sleep with Jason just to throw a monkey wrench into so many lives the fallout alone would be priceless.

Spinelli is a pathetic tool, the boy pines over a man who kills for a living but since he kills bad people he shouldn't be in jail..oy vey His willingness to kill a cop and now his HS drama with the Queen of Bad Plans have turned me off to him, and I place him in the Sam "watcher of babynapper and allower of serial killer to go free" McCall category

I love Brenda and I have started my countdown to her return.

[tracie]

Just wanted to agree:

Eric the sweater was delicious!

Why do we still watch GH???

[Mallory]

Eeep! Sorry for spoiling people not caught up on this season of True Blood! I'll be more obvious that I'll be referencing it in the future.

And I would totally be up for experimenting with a weekly TB discussion. Of course, it would mostly be a list of things I liked and quotes that made me laugh, but it could be fun. Maybe we'll try!

Tim, I pledge to use "Scrubicide" multiple times in the future, because it is brill.

[Jennifer]

Love me some Brenda but Guza needs to stop. He knows this return will suck....HARD. LOL!!

[stace]

I am all for a True Blood weekly discussion. Brillant, brillant show!

Please, Mallory, please!

[Janaynay]

Please tell me that you all noticed how it looked like Franco was rubbing one out to the video of Jason. If that's not fodder for "The Soup," I don't know what is.

True Blood featured the best line ever: "Let me take you somewhere special for dinner....there's a Shoney's in Vicksburg."

[Mary Beth]

Emmy and elle and others lurking: My apologies for the tempting True Blood posts.

At least, aside from the few quotes that probably don't make much sense out of context, they're not really spoilers so much as ZOMGHOT! Which (1) shouldn't be that surprising and (b) should be incentive to CATCH UP ALREADY! ;-)

As for GH, I honestly will never watch again but I love reading the SD posts anyway. I would love for Brenda's return to be awesome. But I have no faith. And I lost patience with stagnant characters and repetitive stories long ago.

They seem incapable of giving characters and couples adversity without completely destroying the characters in the process. What happened to having the drama and the situations create the adversity? I'm not even a Scrubs fan, really, but I don't see why they had to go the route they're going. Personally, I would've loved a story arc a la Monica and the Webber brothers from the 70s. Patrick presumed dead in a plane crash or something . . . off on his own mini-story arc for a while . . . and Robin and poor cypher Matt getting a chance to bond in grief. Giving both actors/characters a chance to stretch without entirely destroying them and their relationship before bringing them together again.

They seem to have forgotten how to make soaps. . . .soapy.

Blar.

I'm gonna go think about Eric Northman some more. Happy place.

[Elizabeth Kerri Mahon]

Spinelli has totally outlived whatever usefullness he had as a character eons ago. Seriously he has his head so far up Jason's ass, it's a wonder that he can breathe. The fact that he doesn't realize that Jason is a cold-hearted killer and actually deserves to spend time in jail is amazing.

I was hoping that Sonny's scene with Warren, when he talked about how abuser's aren't born, they are made, he might have an epiphany about his own abusiveness towards women because of Deke, but of course that didn't happen. Sigh, I hate this show.

[realbrenda4evr]

Dillon, you are not alone, for I enjoy Nik and Liz as well. Sorry, but I haven't been a true blue LnL2 fan in forever. I haven't been able to stand Lucky for years now, so I don't mind that Nik and Liz got together. I hated that they made it into an affair to give Lucky reason to cry. Let Lucky move on with his drug pusher.

Spinelli is the worst. It pains me to say that, b/c I actually used to enjoy this character. Now, he says and does things that makes me think about taking up for Lulu for like a split second...Lulu!...and that I will not have. He needs to go.

[Monica]

I vote for True Blood postings! Does anyone else think that Franklin could be Spike and Drusilla's love child? Or am I just missing Buffy ever so much?

[Stephanie]

I'm just looking forward to the scene where Dante punches Spinelli right in his face and he shuts up forever.

That's going to happen, right?

[Bourgeois Nerd]

Hell yes to True Blood posts! Now THERE is some crazy-ass, entertaining soap!

I'm just ever-so-thankful I no longer watch this awful, awful show. I think I'd be apoplectic with rage over Spinelli's recent behavior. What could have been an interesting, different character for daytime has never been allowed to grow up and be a Real Boy. Instead he's not even a Jason Cheerleader like the rest of the show has to be, he's a Jason Stalker! He's more of a bunny boiler than Lisa could ever hope to be.

Color me shocked, BTW, that Liz had another boy. I was sure since it is actually Lucky's that it would be a girl; only manly, virile men like Sonny and Jason can have boys, while weak, girly men like Patrick and Lucky only beget girls with their worthless sperm.

[Mallory]

If we ever got a scene with Dante punching Spinelli, I'd never delete it from my DVR. NEVER!

You guys have successfully peer pressured me, by the way: be on the lookout for True Blood posts next week! I need an outlet to discuss the brilliance of James Frain and how skeeved out I am by Sam's family.

[Judy]

I was disappointed that Liz had another boy. Boring. And please tell me I hallucinated that Kelly told Liz to push at the BEGINNING of her labor!

[Marianne]

Um, "she's had plenty of time to get viewers on her side"?! Okay, does anyone here/ANYWHERE actually LIKE Lisa?

*crickets*

Yeah, that's what I thought. She can't act, the first actress was prettier and actually a better actress (bear in mind I'm speaking comparatively here), and she has zero chemistry w/JT. Honest to God, there's more chemistry w/Scott Reeves than Brianna Brown! And she might be the most boring-how was it NumbNuts, a.k.a. Guza, described her?-"hot, sexy, adventurous bad girl from your past that you just can't forget" that I've ever seen on ANY show. Seriously, Sam from iCarly is more badass than her (no, I'm not 12, but I have 16- and 4-year-old girls)!

So, not only have they committed Scrubicide (just made of awesome, Tim, as were all of your posts-I bow to the bitchiness, my friend), fucked Patrick's character just all to hell-they did it for THIS SHIT?! "The fuck what?!" indeed, Mallory. And, as per his usual eat-up-with-the-dumbassedness, Guza keeps having Patrick dig the hole deeper-i.e., not telling Robin, letting Carly find out before Robin, letting his whore go all bitchface on Robin and being struck mute, his whore dissing his sex life w/Robin and saying he wants more of her greasy ass and AGAIN saying nothing in defense of his wife, etc.-so that his slapped-together, half-assed redemption of Patrick will seem all the more half-assed, and Robin will look like the fooliest fool to ever fool when it's all said and done for taking his ass back so they can fight his psycho skank together. MOTHERFUCKER!

Whew, okay-feel a little better now. Seriously, can Patrick just become the damn town mattress-you know, Carly's male counterpart-and let Robin have Lucky? B/c Kimberly McCullough and Jonathan Jackson would be the cutest pocket-sized couple ever-like, teacup pig level cute!