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Today's One Life to Live certainly gave us some interest looks. Starting with the looks they gave each other...
Shaun gave Greg a suspicious smirk.
Matthew looked at Clint like he was insane.
Ford gave Nate a death glare. Seriously, he looked at him like this about fourteen times today. Full-on death glare.
Eli's eyebrows feigned a look of hurt shock.
Blair gave Eli a look of pure revulsion.
And Starr gave Ford a patented Starr eye roll.
We only have one episode left of season three of True Blood. Let me repeat, with italics to convey my dread and horror: we only have one episode left of season three of True Blood. And there is no new episode next week, on account of labor day, so we have to wait until September 12th for the conclusion. I can hardly stand it.
Before we begin, a couple of non-"Fresh Blood" thoughts:
**The Primetime Emmys were on last night and were approximately a bajillion times better than their daytime counterpart (not like its hard) thanks in no small part to the presence of Betty White, Jon Hamm being awesome--he SINGS. What CAN'T he do?--and ASkars in formal wear.
Swoon.
And it was sort of exciting to see Jimmy Fallon host, because he graduated from my alma mater and is, like, the only famous alumnus we have, so I always want to sort of give him a supportive pat on the shoulder when I see him being all famous and stuff.
**Us Weekly had Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer's wedding as its cover story this week, and the article was kind of hilarious because all they had to go on was grainy paparazzi photos and a few quotes from Carrie Preston and Lindsay Haun. I admire them for not doing a gross wedding/honeymoon layout like most celebrity couples (and not-so celebrity couples. Hilary Duff and the tabloids' breathless coverage of your wedding, I am looking at you!), but it made for a weird article, albeit a weird article with this tidbit:
"The purple-themed bash (think deep lavender-hued tablecloths, napkins, flowers and aisle runners) featured an all-organic menu by Eco Caters and music by Pilbilly Knights, the band of co-star Todd Lowe (who plays Arlene's fiance, Iraq war vet Terry)."
How ADORABLE is that? VERY ADORABLE is the answer to that question.
On to "Fresh Blood"!
Continue reading "Sucks So Good: True Blood 3.11, "Fresh Blood"" »
If you had told me a few months ago that I would be considering writing an ode to Lisa Niles, a character that I couldn't even think about without feigning the most dramatic of yawns, a move that was theatrical for theatricality's sake because it's not like any of you could actually see me doing the yawning, I would have scoffed in your face. Mostly because I have openly admitted that I am incapable of poetry writing, but also because: there was nothing about her worthy of even the vaguest positive commentary. I mean, what, was I supposed to write a sonnet about her days as an alcohol drinking, sex having college student? I could have titled it, "The Majority of College Students, Ever".
But her--and it needs to be said: RIDICULOUS. Because losing her marbles after one romp with Patrick and losing them so spectacularly that she went full-on dangerous in about eight minutes is just so completely lame. THIS is the kind of story a soap should be dragging out; Brenda and Murphy's sole conversation is not, but we'll get to that later--fall of the rails has been so tremendously entertaining to watch that I feel deflated when the show cuts away to any of the other "stories" currently "unfolding".
When Patrick rebuffed her crazy offer to rationalize his behavior for him and she walked away only to lurk at him from afar, I actually giggled.
And then when she paused for a minute to review her options and decided to JUMP ON THE HOOD OF ROBIN'S CAR, I flaily-hand clapped with delight.
Oh, Lisa, you nutty ho! You are such a happy (and obvious; the General Hospital writers stumble onto this kind of awesomeness rarely and unintentionally) accident.
This is what I just do not understand about General Hospital:
(And, really, it says a lot about the current state of this show that off the top of your heads, you probably thought of at least 27 different endings for that sentence!)
The show has a story that actually manages to be entertaining. ON PURPOSE. This is rare in and of itself, and it's all the more noteworthy when you factor in how problematic the story is, premise-wise (a Fatal Attraction knockoff? How not at all cheesy and played out. And that's not even taking into account how annoying it was that they even had Patrick cheat with Lisa so grossly) and airtime-wise (as in, it got very little and what it did get was paced horribly). The story features hot, young medical professionals: one said medical professional we actually saw grow up onscreen, and another turned out to be incredibly adept at being crazy. And the story, rushed though it may be, came to a head today with a highly anticipated Robin/Patrick confession/confrontation scene.
So why, why, why did these scenes seem so shoehorned in to today's otherwise unremarkable episode? Shouldn't they have had a more prominent role? Or the last scene of the episode, at the very least? Is there really a segment of the audience out there thinking to themselves, "I need to see more of Sonny being arrested for the thousandth time. And the more detail, the better!"? There probably is, isn't there? Horrifying.
At any rate, while the show might not have appreciated today's Scorpio-Drake scenes, I certainly did and am utterly grateful to Awesome Writer for writing them. We should send Awesome Writer a fruit basket. Or, even better, a cupcake tower. And all three players were fantastic!
Brianna Brown had one note to play: WHACKADOO. And she played it with gusto.
Lisa, expressing shock that Robin and Patrick were concerned when their daughter went missing: You two were really worried?
Lisa: Okay, Robin. Breathe. I think you're turning this into something it's not.
Lisa: You know that therapist you talked to about post partum depression? You might want to talk to her next about paranoia.
Robin: You took my daughter.
Lisa: For ice cream!
That is endlessly amusing to me. Taking a child without the consent of her guardian is frowned upon in all circumstances but dessert circumstances!
Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough had all sorts of emotions to convey: shock, numbness, rage, fear, guilt and heartache.
And they conveyed them so damn well.
I think I'll just focus on the most shallow details of this particular soap wedding, since it's doubtful it will actually ever be a wedding. Blair, of course, looks gorgeously Amazonian in her "it's my wedding day" casual all-white ensemble, but pointing out such things is starting to make me feel not unlike a broken record since, duh, Blair is portrayed by someone who is apparently not human (case in point? the latest "What If?" episode with its dirty, dirty talk and its creepy song, but the woman is just more on fire than ever).
I know I've been giving Starr a hard time around here lately for her acid wash, her eyebrows, and her adenoids, but I absolutely adored her yellow dress. Loved it. Perfect color for her (and not a color most people could get away with), and the detailing on the front was darling. I kind of want that dress in a color that wouldn't turn me heinous.
Dani's dress was cute, too, since it was age-appropriate and I actually bought it as something she just dug out of her closet at the last second.
Oh yeah, and Langston is pretty. Is she anything else? It's hard to tell anymore. She did look lovely yesterday, but I find myself longing for the days that she had hideous streaks in her hair and wore mall-goth clothes because, hey, at least it made her a little less non-descript. Speaking of which, can they get a new hairdo for the Cramer girls (and honorary Cramer girls)? That entire generation is long and layered. Can we get crazy here, just for a little spice? Bangs, perhaps? Would that be a detriment to the teen blandification of Llanview, I suppose? We can't have that.
Cole, who actually looked quite sharp in his wedding duds, continued on his quest to be the most unpleasant person in history. Detective Price looked sharp as well in his... well, completely casual and unrelated-to-wedding-fashion outfit, but that's because Detective Price only ever looks sharp, and he can wear whatever he wants to any wedding, including his own wedding. As the blushing bride, I'm entitled to dictate that.
Oh, forget it. I'm just killing time pretending to care about outfits. You may have all heard by now that all the contract cast members have been called to a mandatory cast meeting this Thursday. Pardon my impropriety, but I am freaking the fuck out. What do you guys think? Cancellation for sure, or are there other possibilities? An AMC-like move to the West Coast seems like an impossibility since they just moved studios. What else? What are the rumors out there? Because really, people. Thursday is my birthday. One Life to Live doesn't get to be canceled on my effing birthday, it's a rule.
Anyone?
The LIRR service was shut down today. A news report pre-empted the start of General Hospital and a press conference interrupted the end of it, and I found myself...disappointed! I had so looked forward to a relaxing afternoon in a sweatshirt and yoga pants, drinking hot chocolate (have I mentioned how cold it was today? It was COLD! Well, it was about 70 degrees, but summer in the Northeast has been so horrifically hot this year that a mild day feels like the tundra) and fast-forwarding through most of the show in order to get to Patrick, Robin and Lisa starring in Bob Guza's not completely awful adaptation of Fatal Attraction.
So I did something that I have not done in ages, and tuned in for the SOAPNet rerun, hoping to see more of this. Specifically, you know...maybe a scene or two of Robin searching for her daughter. This show continues to astound me with its unwillingness to broadcast things that could qualify as entertaining. Like, instead of Jax and Claire's conversation about Sonny, which was about 99% recycled dialogue recapping things we've seen and heard and already had recapped for us, why couldn't this story, which is the ONLY story right now that doesn't make me heartsick with boredom, get a little more time on camera? So weird.
What we did get in the few minutes the show devoted to this plot was some crazy:
Lisa: Did she go right to sleep? I'm not surprised, she was pretty tuckered out.
Patrick: What the hell were you thinking?
Lisa: I brought her back right before bedtime, I don't understand--
Patrick: Lisa, you kidnapped my daughter.
Lisa: Oh! Okay, no need to be so dramatic. I took her out for a scoop of ice cream.
Patrick: You took her without permission. If you go anywhere near her again, I will press charges.
Lisa: Press charges? I was just trying to show you how good I could be with her.
Patrick: I don't care what you want. If you come anywhere near my family, I swear to god, it will end.
Lisa: Listen. Listen, she was fine. She was so happy, she laughed the entire way home. Don't you see? That could be the way it could be between us, you know? You and Emma and I, we could be so happy together, if anything ever happened to Robin.
I'm still not sure how one night with Patrick could turn her so quickly from personality-free and bland to a stark raving nutbar, but I do have to admit that this story and Brianna Brown in particular have far exceeded my (very...very. Veryveryvery) low expectations when I heard that the show was going down this road. I found that whole exchange hilarious. Or maybe I am so desperately craving something entertaining that I am trying to get myself to think this is all better than it really is. All I know is that I am practically excited for tomorrow's show, to see if Robin kicks Lisa's giggling ass, or if Dr. Niles manages to talk her way out of it, or if the show decides not to feature them at all in favor of more Sonny and Dante.
ALSO, Emma's face when Patrick found her and Lisa having quality time DELIGHTED ME.
If someone ever asks me, "What does misery look like?", I am directing them to that picture.
Three things before we talk about "I Smell A Rat":
ONE: How are there only two more episodes left this season? HOW?
TWO: The Rolling Stone cover. There are all sorts of quips running through my mind, and all of them have some variation of the phrase "bloody awkward" in them because really.
The Fug Girls, as always, say it better than I ever could.
THREE: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are married! Congratulations to them--they do seem like a very sweet couple. I have to admit that their real-life coupledom makes it supremely uncomfortable for me to watch their love scenes. It's just too, too much. But at any rate, yay for weddings.
And now, "I Smell A Rat".
Continue reading "Sucks So Good: True Blood 3.10, "I Smell A Rat"" »
Seriously, half the One Life to Live episodes for the last three months or so are flashbacks -- and sure, some of them make sense, like the flashbacks to Ford/Jess sex or Natalie/Brody sex, but more and more of them are from the episode prior or, worse yet, from earlier in the exact same episode! What gives? I know that soaps have traditionally had a lot of repetition and a lot of expository dialogue because, structurally, they were never really meant to be watched closely at every second -- viewers were supposed to be distracted by laundry, cleaning, child care, etc., much like the way that viewers today are distracted by the fast-forward button. But the same episode? The same flashbacks over and over and over? Yesterday, in case we had somehow forgotten that Eli is The All-Time Apex of the Utmost Evil (which is indeed pretty easy to forget these days since the show is so subtle and light-handed about it; it really is the understatement of the storyline that makes it so spectacular... yeah yeah, that's it), after listening to Ford's whole explanation of Eli's evil deeds and listening to most of the other characters on the show recount evil deeds committed by Eli, Ford thoughtfully flashed back to a time when he was confronted by a very sweaty Eli.
Now, what did this essential flashback establish that we very specifically needed to know? THAT ELI IS EVIL.
