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« Sucks So Good: True Blood 3.9, "Everything Is Broken" | Main | Marching On (to the Inevitable) »

August 16, 2010

Who Needs "Organic Storytelling" When You Can Just Have Characters Act Hopelessly Dumb Instead?

I think it's time for Robin Scorpio to have another inappropriate conversation with the shirtless chief of staff, this time to implore him to move her husband to a part of the hospital where he isn't operating on people's brains or holding sharp implements. Because seriously, idly standing by and allowing this nitwit to perform surgery has to be in violation of all sorts of medical ethics!

Patrick: Not only did you break into my house, you cut my wife's face out of our wedding photo. It's sad and it's sick and it has to stop.
Lisa: Something will, that's for sure. So Robin's gone for a few days and you don't trust yourself alone with me in the same room? I get it, all right? You feel guilty.
Patrick: The only thing I feel for you right now is anger. You broke into my house and you mutilated a wedding photo. That's borderline stalker and if it keeps up, I will call the cops.


BORDERLINE STALKER? The only thing that borders is the line between Lunacy and Dementia.

Lisa, relieved that she's dealing with a moron and doesn't need to work hard to think of a plausible explanation for her creepy behavior, comes back with something completely half-assed.

Lisa: Okay, do you hear yourself? Why would I cut up a picture of Robin, all right? I mean, are you sure this isn't another instance of a little wife wanting to get attention?
Patrick: Robin would never do that.
Lisa: Are you sure? Because when was the last time you looked at that picture? Maybe Robin isn't as clueless as you think. Maybe she knows we slept together and she's not handling it well.

Patrick had no response to this, either because:

  • He simply couldn't follow her train of thought. "She's right. Why WOULD she cut up a picture of Robin...?"
  • He realized that this was a load of crap that Lisa obviously cribbed from ABC Family's most recent airing of Mean Girls, inspired by Regina creating her own Burn Book page, and was then too busy chuckling at the way Tim Meadows said "Why would Regina refer to herself as a fugly slut?" to have a snappy comeback.
  • The writers thought to themselves, "Eighty seconds of these two is more than enough for one episode. Moving on!"

ALSO, I enjoyed how intricate Lisa's hair was! It totally works with my theory that the crazier Lisa becomes, the more time she spends having evil conversations with herself in the mirror as she crafts elaborate hairdos.


Patrick's not the only dimwit in town. Dante fell for Brook's sob story about panic attacks over not knowing who she is, or what she wants in life, despite it being (A) SERIOUSLY FREAKING LAME and (B) delivered with the fake angst usually found on display at a particularly bad community theatre. "I have paaaaaanic attacks". "I don't have direction. I don't know where I'm goooooing". "Maybe I'm not meant to be happy". And Dante responds with a supportive "We'll figure this out together" and not the massive eyeroll it deserved. Seriously, Dante? You fool.

And then she furtively slipped a drug into his beer. Because who doesn't carry date rape drugs in their purse, right?

UGH, I hate this story. I hate what they've done to Brook (I didn't particularly care for/about her during her last stint on the show, which is sad enough in and of itself because she is Ned and Lois's daughter, but way to completely ruin her) and I hate that Carly stooped to such middle school shenanigans (seriously, she has spent at least half of her life thinking of ways to wreck the joy of others; I have a hard time believing that she'd spend so much time and energy on this), and I hate knowing that there probably won't be any real fallout when this is finally exposed to the rest of Port Charles.


Lulu: I need some advice about Dante.
Lucky: Really?

"Really? Are you even physically capable of having a conversation about something without saying Dante's name? Let me ask you something: what's your favorite TV show?" "Well, Dante likes Entourage..." "I knew it." "Knew what? Dante said he'd knew that it would be sunny today." "Do you even hear yourself?" Hear myself? Of course I do, Dante was the one who actually reminded me to get a check up last week and they did a hearing test."


To the surprise of people who have never caught more than a few seconds of this show, Jason is out of Pentonville, having served nowhere near the two-year minimum of his sentence and having been completely useless during the latest Franco fiasco. Spinelli and Carly reacted to this with such over-the-top joy and literal squealing that I literally felt my stomach turn. LITERALLY. I thought I'd have to go to the hospital, and can you imagine having to describe those symptoms to a doctor? "And then Spinelli started screeching like a child at a Justin Bieber concert and that's when I started to feel my internal organs collapse into themselves..." "Spi-whatty?"

What WAS surprising were the genuinely amusing moments that came out of Jason's release. Like pretty much everything Diane said:

Diane: All that stands between you and a closet full of your favorite crew necks is your signature...if you ever decided to exude even the slightest emotion, now would be an appropriate time.

And Spinelli's completely lame "Welcome Home" banner that turned into "Welcome Hoe"


It got a real-life chuckle from Steve Burton and made me think of April and Tom's similarly lame "Welcome Back, Jerry" banner on the "Park Safety" episode of Parks and Recreation, a reference that hardly anyone will get because hardly anyone watches that (stellar, hilarious, amazing, and so on) show.


I am pretty much insanely ready for Brenda to be back in Port Charles, interacting with people that I know and lo--..well, people that I know, anyway. I have adored all of Vanessa Marcil's scenes since her return without reservation, because I caps-lock LOVE her and her stunningness


(SO pretty!)

But! There must be something more entertaining for her to do than hang out with Brad Rowe (who always makes me think of that TV movie The 70s, which makes me think of the much better TV movie The 60s, which then makes me think, first of all, that I have spent a lot of my life watching terrible made for television movies and also that I have had an irrational dislike of Julia Stiles for a seriously long time) and rehash stories that we've already lived through and, in some instances, tried to block from our memories (the implosion of Jax and Brenda's relationship being one of those instances, for example).

Brenda: I have an enormous ego...I was let at the altar three times. Three! And I don't really want to be left a fourth time, even by you.

We remember, Brenda! Although I am slightly surprised that the writers do.

But on the other hand, the longer she stays in Italy, the longer it will be before the writers pair her back together with Sonny, so...maybe being isolated in Europe isn't such a bad thing for her after all.


Speaking of Sonny, he was also on today's episode and he...let's just say, he and Claire "interacted" and leave it at that. It was disgusting and upsetting, and I will not sully this blog by discussing it any further.


I honestly want to do a walk-on part, just at the nurses' station, and I will buy my own scrubs. And do you know why? B/c I want to deliver the Dr. Bailey to Dr. Shepherd line from Grey's to Patrick: "You so damn STUPID."

Jason actually laughing at "welcome hoe." It startled me.

I am pretty sure the writers probably wrote "I've been left at the alter once before..." and as she was running through her lines VMG said to the writers "Ummm, I was left at the alter 3 times. 3! Not once! Have you ever watched the show??" That is the only way I can account for its accuracy.

I'm with Lorelai.

I watch "Parks and Recreation"! Awesome show! Doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same blog as GH.

I always found it laughable and absurd during that season of NS2 when Patrick was the Chief of Staff. Now, I think it's just laughable and absurd that he's allowed to walk around on his own and operate heavy machinery like a car...or, hell, even a toaster. Admittedly, he's hot as hell but I'm no longer sure it's enough to offset the stupidity. But then again, there's only room for a few truly smart people on this show and those are the ones in the mob.

I Flove Parks & Rec!

I also have an irritational hatred of Julia Stiles (and Leelee Sobieski, not that I'm thinking of it) and I hate hate hate that she'll be on Dexter next season.

I find myself sighing with disgust so often during GH these days, I keep a paper bag next to me in case I hyperventilate.

It's the worst during Patty Cakes ridiculous "attempts" to thwart Lisa's Barrage of Batshit. I mean, really? "borderline stalker??" Does she have to leave a scalpel-impaled rat in his locker for him to acknowledge "full blown stalker?"

"Stop it! Right now! Stop it!" All he needs is to whine and slap her hands to make it a complete playground attempt at "stopping" her.

EW EW EW EW EW - Julie Stiles was bad enough for LEELEE SOBIESKI!? ACK! Doesn't she look like she'd be a raging bitch in person? I hadn't heard she'd be on Dexter! NOOOO!!! I'm dying waiting for that show to come back, and I have HER to look forward to?? Please tell me Dexter offs her??

How about arrested development? Lucille's "Welcome Home Buster" banner that turned into "You're Killing Me Buster" is the GREATEST SIGN EVER!

Sigh, all these shows are so much better than GH.

I like Julia Stiles, but I am down with the Leelee disdain. The only thing I've ever found interesting about her is her striking resemblance to a young Helen Hunt. So until they finally cast her in something where she is playing her daughter, I don't need to watch her in anything. OASN, my other "dream" castings are Ellen Burstyn+Kathrine Heigel, Joan Allen+Kirsten Dunst, and James Frain+Adrian Grenier. Anyhoo...

#1 "Spi-whatty" is fucking hilarious.

#2 I would let Forest Gump practice neurosurgery before Patrick Drake. The still annoying refrain of "Stupid is as stupid does" fits Dr. Dumby to a tee lately. Clearly the hotness has melted the character' brain.

#3 VMG is gorgeous and I loved original Brenda bunches. But holy snorefest has her return sucked, not shocking but sad none the less.

# 4 so if Brenda's return has been coma inducing how fucking angry and scared am I about Stone coming back for a couple of scenes......

Will Guza stop at nothing to decimate this show's former glory? Maybe Guza will have Dr Hardy's grave exhumed and declare the show's patriarch a devil worshipping serial killer. One who only Jason secretly and heroically stopped while the cops were binging on donuts off screen.

Me sad.

About the Julia Stiles and Leeelee Sobieski nonfandom, count me in. However, Leelee was good in a movie I really enjoyed, My First Mister. Check it out, let me know if it was surprisingly good as I remember.

Sarah you had me at Mr Dumby. BWAHAHAHAHA!! Although technically it's Dr Dumby. :)~

Apparently I'm Mrs. Dumby because I was reading your post as "Mr" when you actually did say "Dr"

Maybe Steve Burton should break out of character more often because his laughter over the "Welcome Hoe" sign was the most I've enjoyed Jason Morgan in over a decade.

Patrick is acting dumb and dumbier. I really hope Robin takes a wirehanger to his ass.
As for that psycho bitch, I hope she dies slow and painfully.

I've been waiting for a wrap up of Franco's fiasco of a storyline only to find out it ended. I know I skipped a few days and what amounts to a bunch of scenes but what the hell? Did the writers even both to have a plot or even a point?

Kimberly McCullough looked amazing today.

Brenda's scenes with Bradly are terribly unnatural, boring and what is up with that actor's voice? It's cracking and croaking like a 16 year old going through puberty. Gah!

It's really horrible to think that the Fatale Attraction storyline is the best thing on the show right now. We are enjoying, to a small degree, Lisa's descent into crazy. It would be good if it were actually real slow. And Robin's med cocktail? She works in a hospital. Does Lisa think she's going to have a problem getting a new batch? Really?

When is Elizabeth going to find out that Shirley gave her a half million in valuable stones?

Brad Rowe - that's the guy who reminds me of Ryan Lavery. Like we need another one.

I just caught up on this today. Spinelli squealing over St. Jason's return was ridiculous. I wanted to hit things. Why is this character still on the show? I honestly think Spinelli is based on Guza himself, I really do.

You watch so I don't have to... thank you so much because it does seem like a hardship. What an awful wreck of a show GH has become and it is b/c of the writing and storyline direction. The cast is great considering what they work with. I really don't understand why JJ and VMG and Michael Sutton return. I want to be excited but I know I will be let down by the poor writing and total lack of history. Do the q's even know Brooklynn is in town???? Why can't we have a scene with Brook and Tracy-- her grandmother??? I so want Robin's spy genes to kick into gear and her to do serious damage to Lisa soon. Although some more scene with shirtless Chief of Staff would be great!

Spinelli needs to leave Port Charles and visit his granny pronto. The character is beyond annoying.

Thanks again for great blog--love Parks and Rec. also

I vaguely recall seeing a scene with Brook and Tracy a few weeks go. But I haven't been watching regularly so my brain may have manufactured it for my entertainment. Tracy was so not happy to see her.

I blinked and missed the q' monthly quote ... don't watch too much (try to avoid) but I love Tracy and would have watch....

I should have known better than to doubt you, the smartest soap fans on the planet. I am thrilled to see all of this Parks and Rec love! And I am equally thrilled to see the Julia Stiles/Leelee Sobieski hate. You all make me smile.

tish, like Cindy said, there was a VERY brief scene with Brooklynn and Tracy where they snarked at each other and made acid-tongued jokes at the other's expense. Tracy made it seem effortless and hilarious, while Brook...well, you know. Lame.

And I was so stunned by Patrick's stupidity on Monday, that I couldn't finish my comment. Take two:

It bears repeating, "The HELL is UP w/Lisa's damn hair?"

Kimberly's hair has been gorgeous lately-please keep going to whomever you're going to now and not the one who gave you that NightShit 1 thing, who I'm guessing is the same one who did....that...to Kirsten Storms.

And honestly, Patrick, BORDERLINE stalker?! Borderline?! Dumbass, she passed "borderline" around the time she started hanging out in her drawers at work, waiting to ambush co-workers. If Spinelli is modeled after Guza, as another commenter so hilariously speculated (HEE!), then Patrick must be modeled after Frons.

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