Anatomy Of A Freakout

OH MY GOD.

It turns out that the whole "Sonny is skipping bail and going to Rome to seek out Brenda" thing, the one that made me groan a heavy groan meant to convey complete and utter dread at a coupling that will more likely than not lead to the ruination of Brenda's character, actually has the silverest of silver linings: we got to see Carly lose her freaking marbles and every individual marble loss was more hilarious than the one that came before.

Below, Carly's head exploding, paraphrased (except for actual, real life lines that were just too good not to commemorate, which are italicized).

CARLY: Where is he, Jason? Where's Sonny? Where's Sonny, Jason? Where is he?
JASON: Don't you...hate Sonny?
CARLY: YEAH, JASON, I DO. That's what makes it even more important for me to know where he is.

JASON: How does that...?
CARLY: Because it's ME doing the hating, Jason. ME. I deserve to know where he is.
JASON: That's not a very good reason.
CARLY: I also need to know because...because it's really important for Michael. And, you know...the little guy.
JASON: Okay, okay. I will tell you, but we need to stay calm. How about we take just a deep breath together?
CARLY: Jason!
JASON: How about we count to ten?
CARLY: No, I'm fine. Why are you being like this? This won't shock me. I'm unshockable.
JASON: I'm pretty sure Sonny went to Rome to see Brenda.
CARLY: I'll fucking cut her.

CARLY: He is so selfish. He is SO SELFISH. All he ever does is think about himself, and you know what he never thinks about? What he NEVER takes into account? ME.

JASON:

CARLY: Me kids, I mean. He never thinks about me kids. And that's so like him. That is SO LIKE HIM. He's all, "I'm Sonny, I'm Super Dad, I love all of my kids" and then he just abandons them. And not just Michael, who is CLEARLY the most important. He ditched ALL OF THEM. All four of his kids. Four, Jason. You hear that? I am so mad at Sonny right now that I referred to Dante as his child and I didn't even preface that with a rant about how much he makes me want to vomit all over that god awful shag haircut he has like it's still the 70s. Yeah, I'm that mad. THAT MAD.

CARLY: And he ran away for BRENDA. Brenda! She's so spoiled, and over dramatic, and it makes me so angry that I am literally dying right now. LITERALLY. And why are you not looking at me, Jason?!
JASON:

JASON: He ran away so he doesn't have to go to prison, Carly.
CARLY: Oh, please, Jason.

CARLY: Please. Like, he could have gone anywhere in the planet. He could have gone to Canada, or Cambodia or Costa Rica, or--
JASON: You're working the "C" theme pretty hard, Carly. Is it because your name starts with C?
CARLY:

CARLY: OH MY GOD, Jason, you are missing the point. He could have gone anywhere, but he chose Rome. You know who likes Rome? WHORES LIKE ROME. And he's going to go find Brenda and they're going to be all happy and then it's all going to blow up in his face and he's going to be miserable.
JASON: That kind of happens in all of his relationships.
CARLY: She's the worst, Jason. The worst. She's going to ruin him more than he's already ruined. She always does.
JASON: He's hurt her pretty bad too, Carly--
CARLY: OH MY GOD, STOP TAKING HER WHOREY SIDE.
JASON: It's just that--
CARLY: I am not going to sit and let this happen. No. That doesn't work for me...me kids.
JASON: There's nothing we can do, Carly.
CARLY: What are you talking about, Jason? There is ALWAYS something we can do. ALWAYS. You carry a gun! Can't you go and...you know?
JASON:

CARLY: He's your best friend. He's your blood brother.  Are bromances no longer sacred? What the actual fuck?!
JASON: Do you not understand what jumping bail to evade trial means? Because I don't either, and I was hoping someone could clear it up for me.
CARLY: I'm the only one he's supposed to drop everything for.
JASON: Look, this is a delicate situation, so can you not go out of your way to screw this up for all of us?
CARLY:

CARLY: What are you implying, Jason? Are you saying I have bad ideas? Why would you say that, Jason?
JASON: Because of everything that's happened since 1996, mostly. Look, can you just promise me that you'll be a little less...a little less you?
CARLY: Oh, I promise you that. I promise you that all the way to the bank.
JASON: What does that--
CARLY: TO THE BANK!
JASON: Is it lunch or dinner time?

JASON: I like rice.

Comments

[Beth R.]

"I like rice"

I'd have a more coherent response to this genius post but that last line has caused me to spew pop all over my keyboard and I now have to clean it out.

[Kelly]

I think you and Awesome Writer need to seriously team up!!! That shit was PRICELESS -- I don't even need to watch the episode anymore (not that I was gonna, mind you).

[Angie]

I loved your post. You have Carly's number. For the last six months she has hated Sonny's guts, tried to send him to prison, took his child away from him, conspired with his enemy to get rid of him and NOW she wants him in Port Charles. This character is written like a 7 year old in a 40 year old woman body.

All paths lead back to what Carly wants.

*I would like to apologize for insulting all the 7 year olds in the world.

[Monica]

"WHORES LIKE ROME."

OMG! I can't breathe!

[Marianne]

HEE! And, also, LOL!! Oh, yeah, and LMAO!! Best line? "I'll fucking cut her." I nearly peed. That is all.

[LadyBug]

Carly is the worse thing that ever happened to A.J., Tony, Jason, Sonny, Lorenzo and Jax.

[Mary Beth]

"JASON: Do you not understand what jumping bail to evade trial means? Because I don't either, and I was hoping someone could clear it up for me."

I *heart* you.

[Chelle]

"Because of everything that's happened since 1996, mostly" -- this is when I actually laughed out loud.

[Carl]

"Carly is the worse thing that ever happened to A.J., Tony, Jason, Sonny, Lorenzo and Jax."

Since Jason is the worst thing that ever happened to GH, it evens out.

[Dawn]

Don't get me wrong I LOVE Laura Wright (Carly, not so much) but can someone please, PLEASE get a bottle of hair dye and go at her roots??? PLEASE!

[Jennie]

at first I thought that this was all real dialogue. (I did not read the opening as clearly as I should have) And I was amazed. I am still amazed, but a little sad that it didn't really happen, because I would have loved that.
And when did Brenda become the bad seed? Carly is and always will be the bad seed! I like Laura Wright, but she must be hitting her head against a wall with the crazy of Carly's moods

[Dawn]

Carly's problem with Brenda is that she knows that BRENDA was the biggest love of both Sonny and Jax. NOT HER! I freaking love it. Carly needs to be the center of everyones universe and she knows when it comes to Brenda and the 2 men she (Carly) is second. That is her entire issue with Brenda.

[Judy]

OMG, Mallory, the screencaps in place of dialogue! Best laughs of the week!

[Justin]

that was grade A amazing, i LOVE your blog. LOVE IT

[tanya]

see..if that HAD happened - i would watch GH.

oh and i love Laura Wright's hair....

[Jessica]

i think i am the oddball out .. but i love carly :) hilarious blog post btw!

[Michaela]

"He could have gone anywhere, but he chose Rome. You know who likes Rome? WHORES LIKE ROME."

This is when I nearly choked on the slice of pizza, thank you very much.

LOVE IT.

[amiejayne]

I haven't watched the show for many months now, but this is the perfect example of why I keep visiting Serial Drama. You girls are hilarious perfection!

[Rene']

LMFAO!!! Oh my GAWD, this was just too priceless.

"What the actual fuck!??" (BEST line, second only to "I like rice.")

HA! You read my mind!

I kept thinking that if the characters could only cuss on this show, she would have been like Al Swearingen in Deadwood in that scene, calling Brenda a c**t every seven seconds. How awesome would THAT have been?? "I cut a bitch!! Oh hell yeah, I cut a bitch!"

Priceless!

[bethie]

@dawn, and her problem with Robin was always that she wasn't number one with Jason when Robin was around. . .it's a pattern. ..she must be #1 or else the other is a) whore
b) self-righteous bitch

[Tabby]

This entire blog post was WAY more entertaining than friday's show. :)

[Ziyal]

i love Carly, but this post was THE. BEST. POST. EVAH. Loving all the screencaps. You are da bomb!

"What are you talking about, Jason? There is ALWAYS something we can do. ALWAYS. You carry a gun! Can't you go and...you know?"
:hail:

[Ziyal]

Your post actually made me go watch the actual scene! Laura Wright is gorgeous.

[tish]

terrific blog as always..LW looks all kinds of crazy in those screen caps...

love the line about " you carry a gun can't you --you know?" also "I like rice"....

[donna]

Most of the time I can't stand Jason.

But I always heart Steve Burton. If only for his priceless facial expressions and unerring calm in the face of a rabid hosebeast, lol.

Cujo's head exploding and those media net pictures of VM/SB laughing at some unknown joke are the best things about Brenda's return so far.

Hilarious stuff, Mallory. As usual.

[minirth]

You had me at "I'll fucking cut her."

And then "You know who likes Rome? WHORES LIKE ROME"?!?!?!?!

BEST SERIALDRAMA ENTRY EVER!!! I swear, you turn me into a squeeing fangirl with your brilliance. I would kill to see the episode with your dialog!!!

I love you guys.

[tish]

I had to watch the scenes just to match the expressions to your take on the scene... your take was way better than the stuff we saw. Loved how Carly lost her mind that Sonny was going to see Brenda. Hands down the best part of Brenda returning. I loved Brenda so it is hard to say but her return has been a bit boring so far. Don't care about Murphy or the rest. Hope "Brenda returns" improves when they get back to Port Charles

[Kaveena]

Too Funny.Too Funny.
You deserve Awards.