Serial Drama

A Good Man Is Hard To Find

It seems as though an All My Children writer caught an episode of General Hospital in which the fawning over Jason was at a fever pitch. "Oh, you think that's propping?", the AMC writer may have scoffed. "I'll show you propping. I'll prop like propping's never been propped before!", adding a decisive "PROP!" for good measure.

How else can you explain today's episode of AMC, which should have been titled "goodRyangoodIsgoodAgoodGoodgoodMan".

Tad: You're different...that moral compass of yours would point you right straight to prison.

Madison: Greenlee says it's the hero thing. That's part of what makes Ryan so attractive.

Madison: His bravery and his selflessness is part of what makes Ryan such an amazing man.

Tad: Ryan Lavery is a good man. He's got friends, he's got family, and Hayward is Hayward. If you ask me, the real crime would be letting Ryan go to prison for doing something like that.

Liza: You don't know how much this is absolutely killing me, to go after one of the finest men in this town.

The only thing less subtle would be a lavish musical number with feathers, and jazz hands, and background singers shimmying while holding signs saying "Ryan Is A Good Man!"

And to think I had been almost not dreading this episode, thanks to this intriguing description on my DVR!

The mystery of the secret drawer's contents continue.

Does that sound like the blurb for a particularly awesome Nancy Drew book or what? Well, the more accurate DVR descrition would have read OMG, VOMIT.

In Which I Go Deaf, Dumb and Blind

Taken on its own, I could probably deal with Spinelli berating Dante for having the temerity to do his job.

And on another day, I might be able to accept Adrienne Barbeau (Adrienne Barbeau!) being indoctrinated into the Church of St. Jason.

And since we'd all seen the (sleazy) writing on the (bathroom) wall for a Sonny/Claire hookup from the very moment she came to Port Charles and, in a stilted and overly enunciated manner, ran down a laundry list of his sins, I...okay, the truth is that I am in no way emotionally equipped to deal with that.

With any of that, actually! And for General Hospital to cram all of that offensiveness into one small hour was just a cruel move on the part of General Hospital. I'm tempted to tell the show to go to hell, but I'm reasonably sure that hell actually IS this episode of General Hospital and I'm both too kind a person to wish that on my worst enemy and also reasonably certain that the GH powers-that-be wouldn't see it as a punishment at all. "Oh, I LOVE this one!", they'd say before spending the hour eagerly reciting words along with their favorite characters...

Where to begin? Let's begin with Spinelli's extended temper tantrum, since I don't want Sonny and Claire's romp to ick up the front page of the blog.

Spinelli: The Jackal will not divulge confidential information ESPECIALLY not to you.
Dante: Okay, you people have no idea who you are dealing with.
Spinelli: True. I never heard mention of The Balkan* until I was asked to research him. He's somewhat of a legend in Europe but virtually unknown in the States. So how would you, a lowly New York cop**, come to know of a man like this?
Dante: Could you just tell me if you've come up with something?
Spinelli: If I have, I wouldn't share it with you.
Dante: We are on the same side for this!
Spinelli: You seem to think that your betrayals carry some sort of expiration date. That after time all should be forgiven. But the repercussions of your gross misdeeds continue to reverberate. Young Sir was sent to prison***, Stone Cold was forced to follow **** to ensure Michael's safety. HEINOUS events occurred, all of which YOU are directly responsible for*****.
Dante: That's the biggest regret of my life so far. If I could take it back, I would. But since that's not a possibility, I've done everything within my power to make it right. I got Michael out of prison, I got the charges against Sonny in Johnny's shooting dropped. Don't you think I deserve a couple of check marks in the plus column?
Spinelli******: I see how you do it. The affable mien, the feigned honesty. It's quite appealing to the unsuspecting like Fair Lulu. She still has no idea what a smooth liar you are, or how easily you can drop kick her heart.
Dante: You are wrong. I love Lulu. She means everything to me and I would lay down my life in a heartbeat for her if I had to.
Spinelli: I sincerely hope that Fair Lulu comes to her senses and leaves you so you can experience the broken heart you so richly deserve*******.

* I am already sick of hearing the name "The Balkan", which does not bode well for me because he hasn't even appeared on screen yet.
** I'm not really sure how to properly convey the amount of condescension and loathing in Spinelli's voice when he said that phrase
*** Because of the coverup Dante had nothing to do with...
**** Wasn't!
***** Hate.
****** Look at how damn smug his face was throughout that speech.

Hate.
******* Haaaaaate.

At Least I Feel Ashamed Of Laughing With Them, Not At Them!

Not to be completely melodramatic and insane, but I am pretty sure that my brain is starting to atrophy. I've had a series of mental lapses and embarrassing gaffes this week and then, even worse, I laughed out loud at today's General Hospital. More than once! And I'm not talking the kind of patronizing smile I usually offer when this show tries to be amusing (you know, the "Oh. Well, A for effort!" type smile), or the knowing murmur I often make when something mildly funny happens. I'm talking actual giggles.

Even scarier? I laughed at things Jason and Sonny said. I KNOW.

Jason: I don't understand how Brenda thinks.
Adrienne Barbeau: She never talks about you.
Jason: Good.

Jason, on why he married Brenda: I was the only option available.
Adrienne Barbeau: Meaning?
Jason: She had no other options.

Max: Diane and I really aren't that complicated. If everything's good in the bedroom department-
Sonny, putting the conversation to an immediate halt: Yeah, that's good.

I mean, I've known for a while that there would come a point in time where I found myself involved in a real-life Simpsons situation, but I never thought that I'd be Homer! And yet nothing sums things up better than "Me lose brain? Uh oh. Why I laugh?"

However, I am not so far gone that I can't discuss at length the ridiculousness of the conversations that led to the aforementioned hilarity. Because OH were they EVER ridiculous.

Pine Valley and the Deathday Party

I know that I'm generally a "To make a long story longer" and will never use ten words or less when I could write three paragraphs instead, but I am pretty sure that I could say all that needs to be said about today's episode of All My Children in just two words.

And those two words are: FUCKING GHOULISH.

I mean, really. David is dead and Jake decides to throw a party. Sure, he (at his greasiest, incidentally) tried to pass it off as a wake:

Kendall: Yeah, this is kind of...weird. First my mother could have died because of David, and now David is dead.
Bianca: And you're having a party.
Jake: Well, think of it more as a wake.
Amanda: Well, I think it's a great idea. What better way to send him off and out of our lives for good?

But when people are making jokes about dancing on the table and mixing drinks with cute, David-inspired names ("The Blackmail". So clever, Amanda), I think it becomes a party.

Jake: We're having kind of a, I guess you could call it a wake for David. I thought maybe you'd like to toast his demise.
Ryan: I'll pass. Thank you for the invite, though.
Jake: Are you sure? This is a once in a lifetime!

I know that Jake doesn't know he's a character on a soap opera and, as such, believes that dead really is dead, but he's saying this at a party attended by several people who were presumed dead at some point, including Jesse, who I think had his organs donated, even, so once in a lifetime isn't exactly on point, Jake.

The thing is that everybody gathered at this celebration had every right to hate David. He was often just AWFUL. He ruined people's lives and often cackled maniacally when doing so. And in recent years, when the writing for him became even more cartoonish and lazy, he was like a whirling dervish of evil plots and demented ideas. I realize all of this. BUT!

1. Like most of these people, really, have the moral high ground. Really, we could make long lists of the ethical problems and felonies most of this crowd has been involved with.

2. They had this celebration at KRYSTAL'S. I mean...come on! She's the mother of David's daughter, the one person who seems truly upset about his death (which is a total plot point and she is as useless as ever, but still)

and

3. These shenanigans had me nodding my head emphatically in agreement with Liza (!), Krystal (!!) and Ryan (SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD, I WISH I WAS DEAD).

Three Cheers for Gift Horses!

I'm grasping at anything here.  It's not that I'm afraid (obviously!) to be critical, it's just that I need to find something to keep me going.  Monday's episode was truly one of the most horrible hours of television I have ever witnessed -- I was literally embarrassed that I watch One Life to Live.  I've thought this about certain scenes or storylines before, but that entire episode felt like a bad parody of what people who hate (but have never watched) soaps assume they're like.  I mean they ended the episode with the mustache-twirling villian actually saying, "Not.  So.  Fast."  My self-esteem shot down through the floors and the streets to somewhere deep beneath the A train.  And it's really gross down there.

And it's not that the situation was so much better in yesterday's episode, but there were some gifts worth mentioning:

- No Ford brothers!

- Actors over 30!

- Billy Warlock!  (It is no secret that I did not approve of this recast at all, but I do love the actor and seeing him on my screen.  What I don't get is why, if they could secure Billy Warlock for any amount of time, they wouldn't create a new character for him instead of putting him in the "scapegoat" gig that makes no sense at all, provides no interesting twists or unpredictable moments, and seems to exist only to try to bolster Todd's fathering skills by making the alternative even worse.  Oh, show.)  (And really, they couldn't work with Mike Lowry's schedule for this?  Please.  Law school ain't a prison sentence.)

- Hunched-over, injured Eli!  Sure, I know he's responsible for all the death and misery in the world, but it sure is nice to see him again, and in a vulnerable state, too!

- Dorian's bed head:

 

-And my personal favorite of the day (and possibly my favorite thing going on the show right now, period), Clint.  Clint being sparkly and snarky!  Clint on MyFace!  Jerry ver Dorn is just relishing every moment of this.  After being told that Dorian had lost her mind, his timing on, "There's breaking news" resulted in a just-plain-masterful delivery.  And then?  He took a little break on his smartphone:

Clint: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm updating my page. 

Bo: Updating your... what are you... are you on MyFace?!

Clint: (feigning offended dignity) I keep a presence there.  For business.

Love it.  We, of course, knew that he'd hacked David's MyFace account and were given a delightful payoff in the next scene when Dorian discovers that David's new status is, "David Vickers Buchanan loves a good foam party." 

It made me glad.  We find these things where we can in life.

Destiny out.

Marking Her Territory, Hilariously

SO, I lied: Lisa's Fatal Attraction 2: Electric Guza-loo story is NOT the only entertaining thing on General Hospital at the moment.

The fact that I am floating the possibility of TWO entertaining things occurring in Port Charles simultaneously is probably raising your eyebrows and making you concerned about my mental state, and I'm totally with you, because I even I feel like "What is this? Am I taking crazy pills?!", but it's TRUE. There are TWO entertaining things happening on this show! And sure, for most shows, that's just considered unremarkable and the way it's supposed to be, but on General Hospital, it's a shocking triumph!

What Brenda's return to GH has lacked in...well, pretty much everything, it more than makes up for in terms of hilarity and, specifically, the hilarity of watching Carly's head continue to EXPLODEin SLOW MOTION as she comes to terms with the fact that she's not going to have Jax and Sonny wrapped around her little finger anymore.

 
She pitched a bitch when she heard that Brenda is going to be on the cover of Crimson.

Jax: Carly, listen to me. I love you. I'm committed to you. Do I have feelings for Brenda? Yes, absolutely. The same feelings you have for Sonny. But I'm not running after her.
Carly: But you put her on the cover! It's the SAME THING!

She sounds like a middle school girl who was totally upset that her boyfriend didn't have her as one of his Top Friends on MySpace.

Carly: It's the same old contest. Brenda shows up and you and Sonny are going to fight over her like she's some school girl, like she's the prom queen. And Brenda loves it.

"I, on the other hand, HATE being the center of attention. Yet another reason why Carly rules and Brenda drools!"

Jax: I can't believe we're arguing about this. This is ridiculous.

The fact that all of their arguments are so ridiculous and yet he remains committed to her does not say much for Jasper's intelligence, does it?

Carly: Well, you don't have to wait for the magazine to hit the stands because you can go to Rome right now and see her.

She didn't say it, but there was definitely a "But if you do, I'll cut your balls off" implied at the end of that sentence.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

I treated myself to an iced coffee today and when I attempted to pay, I had an embarrassingly long moment of mental...blankness. It was like being in high school and having no idea what your locker combination was; I seriously had no idea how to count out change. It was terrible, and the barista was obviously concerned for me, all the more so when I attempted to make light of the situation by labeling it a blonde moment, which was problematic since I am a brunette. I finally settled for giving her an extra dollar, mumbled something about keeping the change and then fled.

It was obvious to me at that point that something had happened to my brain and I had two theories. Theory #1: I am over tired, thanks to problems sleeping and a pesky internal alarm clock that has me up early no matter what. Theory #2: My brain cells heard this exchange on All My Children and said, "You know, we've had a good run, but we can't work under these conditions anymore".

Madison: You're an honorable man, Ryan. You tried to push me away to protect me, to spare me from everything you're going through. I don't want to be spared. I want to be in this with you. [...] What makes me happy is you. Your smile, your eyes, the way your hand feels in mine...I'm not going to let that go, so if this goes to trial, I will be in that courtroom every day. Sorry, Lavery. You're not going to get rid of me.

I was going to dissect that piece by piece, with a line for every part of that lunacy that gave me pause, but then I realized that there would be a footnote following every single word! How sickeningly sweet and middle school, and for that to be directed at Ryan Lavery, whose status as THE WORST is acknowledged by all, makes it all the more horrendous.

Not like it's the only horrendous thing that went down in Pine Valley today...

Sucks So Good: True Blood 3.12, "Evil Is Going On"

If we changed the title of this episode to "Sadness Is Going On", it would accurately reflect my mood after the end of True Blood season three. Sadness! If we didn't have this supremely entertaining season of Mad Men to make Sunday nights wonderful, I'd have to upgrade that to despair, but for now: sadness.

Now it's time to write my True Blood Hiatus To-Do List which, to the surprise of absolutely no one, includes items such as:

1) Befriend Denis O'Hare

2) Be-more-than-friend Alexander Skarsgard

3) Perfect my imitation of Stephen Moyer saying Sookie's name

And so on.

After the jump, lots of thoughts on "Evil Is Going On"!

Sundays In The Park With Nutbar

This show makes so many mistakes, in epic ways and on a daily basis, and really, this is not the biggest mistake that they have made lately. It probably isn't even in the top ten. But it IS on my mind at the moment: General Hospital dropped the ball so badly by not letting Lisa Niles reside at 1313 Whackadoo Lane much earlier. Because she continues to delight me as a crazy person and now I feel guilty about all of the times I complained about Brianna Brown's lack of charisma. I sort of want to write her an apology note! She's not uncharismatic; she's actually unnervingly good at playing a weirdo. Perhaps I'll leave that part out of the apology note...

I mean, if you think about it for more than thirty seconds, it becomes harder to unabashedly enjoy Patrick, Robin and Lisa starring--no, starring's not the right word. People not in mob stories aren't allowed to "star" in anything on this show. Okay, revision: it becomes harder to unabashedly enjoy Patrick, Robin and Lisa being afforded a random amount of screentime every week to appear in Bob Guza's version of Fatal Attraction (the latest in his ongoing series "This one time, I saw an old movie on TBS while I was flicking the channels and I thought 'We could do that better. And more Jason Morgan-y, too'"). Because watching these scenes makes me think things like, "This would be even better if they...." or "It doesn't really make sense that she..." or "Wouldn't it have been better if..." and so on and so forth.

The answer, then, is just to stop thinking. Because I need this story, you guys. I cling to this story like I'm drowning in the sea of despair that is General Hospital and it is a crazy-eyed life jacket. It is what gives me the will to fast forward all things Sonny and make it through the pointless (pointless SQUARED, even) Nikolas and Brook Lynn thing (REALLY, was there nothing else deserving of that screentime?). It makes me cackle like Vanessa Marcil.

Lisa: Okay, as usual, Robin, you are completely overreacting, all right? You see that big building over there? It's General Hospital. It's where I work, and sometimes I've been known to take breaks and walk through the park to get a lemon ice. All right? I heard raised voices. I became concerned. I came over. I took a look, and what do I find? You making a spectacle of yourself again. (Sotto voce) It's so unattractive.

Lisa: Okay, people, clearly my presence isn't helping, so I am going to go. Can I get either of you a lemon ice? Okay. I guess not.

Besides being hilarious, this pleasant offer of a lemon ice is notable for the epic "WTF?" face that Kimberly McCullough debuted. It may rival even Becky Herbst!

Glorious.

And Brody Gets An Incomplete

Oh, the Fords are the gift that keeps on giving, aren't they?  And when I say that, I'm not referring to myself as the gift-receiver, but to the many of you who probably save a lot of time in your television-viewing days by fast-forwarding through all their scenes.  Me?  I suffer so I can mock.  We all have our crosses to bear.

I may or may not be a bad person for this, but two of the triumvirate-brothers-of-pain ended up humiliated today and it felt good.  Oh so good.  Nate's not really worth discussing since it was a bit of a throw-away moment in which (now evil) Matthew awesomely disarmed Nate by mentioning that Dani had once propositioned him for sex.  I'm pretty sure I was supposed to see Matthew as bad and Nate as good in this scenario but, alas, I apparently watched it wrong.  Next time, could Matthew do us a solid and humiliate Nate right off of our screens?

But of course the big centerpiece yesterday was the absolutely hilarious beat-down of Ford by Brody, defending the honor of his formerly-amnesiac fiance and possible babymama, Jessica.

I feel like I'm letting you guys down by not providing a screencap of one of David Gregory's (Ford) stellar Three Stooges reaction shots, but it was all such a blur that I couldn't pull it off.