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« Three Cheers for Gift Horses! | Main | At Least I Feel Ashamed Of Laughing With Them, Not At Them! »

September 15, 2010

Pine Valley and the Deathday Party

I know that I'm generally a "To make a long story longer" and will never use ten words or less when I could write three paragraphs instead, but I am pretty sure that I could say all that needs to be said about today's episode of All My Children in just two words.

And those two words are: FUCKING GHOULISH.

I mean, really. David is dead and Jake decides to throw a party. Sure, he (at his greasiest, incidentally) tried to pass it off as a wake:

Kendall: Yeah, this is kind of...weird. First my mother could have died because of David, and now David is dead.
Bianca: And you're having a party.
Jake: Well, think of it more as a wake.
Amanda: Well, I think it's a great idea. What better way to send him off and out of our lives for good?

But when people are making jokes about dancing on the table and mixing drinks with cute, David-inspired names ("The Blackmail". So clever, Amanda), I think it becomes a party.

Jake: We're having kind of a, I guess you could call it a wake for David. I thought maybe you'd like to toast his demise.
Ryan: I'll pass. Thank you for the invite, though.
Jake: Are you sure? This is a once in a lifetime!

I know that Jake doesn't know he's a character on a soap opera and, as such, believes that dead really is dead, but he's saying this at a party attended by several people who were presumed dead at some point, including Jesse, who I think had his organs donated, even, so once in a lifetime isn't exactly on point, Jake.

The thing is that everybody gathered at this celebration had every right to hate David. He was often just AWFUL. He ruined people's lives and often cackled maniacally when doing so. And in recent years, when the writing for him became even more cartoonish and lazy, he was like a whirling dervish of evil plots and demented ideas. I realize all of this. BUT!

1. Like most of these people, really, have the moral high ground. Really, we could make long lists of the ethical problems and felonies most of this crowd has been involved with.

2. They had this celebration at KRYSTAL'S. I mean...come on! She's the mother of David's daughter, the one person who seems truly upset about his death (which is a total plot point and she is as useless as ever, but still)


3. These shenanigans had me nodding my head emphatically in agreement with Liza (!), Krystal (!!) and Ryan (SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD, I WISH I WAS DEAD).

Liza was one of the only people who pointed out that maybe this wasn't such a great idea.This is probably because she's the new DA and is all "Rah rah, law enforcement! Wooooo!", but still, she and her inappropriate attire and fugly hairstyle had a point.

A point which was immediately discounted by everyone there.

Liza: There was a crime committed. A man was murdered in cold blood.
Tad: So all of a sudden you're about truth, justice and the American way?
Liza: There was a crime committed. A man was murdered in cold blood.
Tad: Oh, that's right. He was just an innocent victim, right? The man took out more people in Pine Valley than the tornadoes combined. He wasn't a martyr, Liza, he was lethal and there's not one person in this room who's going to miss him. 
Frankie: I say we let him rot. He made my family's life a living hell. Anybody with the name Hubbard had a target on their back.
Jake: Same with my family, the Martins.
Amanda: He tried to claim our son as his!
Jake: Who does that?

And yes, they all have valid gripes, but at least David, for all the aforementioned faults and the faults I don't have enough bandwith here to list, was self aware! It's not like they're complete innocents.

Ugh, the whole thing was so gross. Not least because of the whole "Ryan and Krystal made sense. Yes, sense" thing. I have never typed a sentence that started "Ryan and Krystal made..." and had it end with words other than "...me want to drink lighter fluid".

Jake: Poison was too easy.
Marissa: Stop it!
Krystal: What the hell is going on? Marissa just lowered her father in the ground. Show some respect. if not for David, then for my daughter.

Ryan: The last thing I want to do is celebrate David's death.

I feel so uncomfortable with the world right now.

The party ended with Angie saying a prayer for David...a prayer laced heavily with talk about how horrid David was, which was interesting "for the people he did save as a doctor, he probably damaged just as many". Is there a new trend of negative and/or awkward prayers or speeches at wakes and funerals? I ask because at the last funeral I went to, someone spoke and started his speech with a jovial "How are we all doing" and then interpreted the uncomfortable silence as all of us not hearing him, and said louder and even more jovially, this time with awkward laughter, "How are we all doing?". It was heinous. Anyway, as Angie spoke, a brief handful of vintage David clips played. It will come as a surprise to nobody anywhere that I started to tear up when they showed David destroying Leora's crib. So damn sad.

Also of note today:

  •  I am so enjoying that Kendall is still rightly furious with Greenlee. I know it is only a matter of time before the writers realize they are doing something right and blow it all to hell, but for now, it makes total sense.
  • Ryan was a bit hasty in promising Emma that he'd never go to jail again, no? I mean, the man solves most of his problems with his fists, so assault charges are something he could face at any time.
  • Natalia throws smug bitchface around A LOT and I'm sorry to say that she has just not earned the right do to that.
  • Darnell Williams is an amazing actor, but Jamie Luner might be his acting Kryptonite. She brings out the hammiest in him and it's not pleasant.


Oh God....now these alleged Ryan fans that ABC claims exist will find this blog and think we LIKE HIM HERE!

We're doomed! Doomed!

Jamie Luner is EVERYONE's acting kryptonite. She's a black hole.

She was less heinous with VI and TK, but they tend to make everyone up their games, so I tend to discount them.

It is nice that Kendall isn't already making excuses for Greenlee, though.

"Amanda: He tried to claim our son as his!
Jake: Who does that?"

Umm .... well the woman who owns the bar the party was at along with her other daughter and her daughter(s) father .. they all claimed Miranda was Babe's ...

Daryl, I got one that's even better. Remember these two morons faked the baby's death and then abandoned him in a church so they could "find" him in an elaborate scheme to keep David from claiming Trevor when EVERYONE, including David, thought Trevor was his son. So they have no room to talk when they did the exact same thing. Try to keep the baby from it's rightful father. NONE.

Mallory, you're a better woman than I because I couldn't stomach it. These self righteous, sanctimonious pack of douches are supposed to be the good guys? That's not how the good guys behave. The writers ABC Daytime have got to understand that you can't have characters do and say despicable things and then draw distinctions between certain characters by using your own Greek chorus to tell us who is an is not a good man/woman. First, if you have to constantly tell us that Ryan (or Sonny) Zach (or Jason) Tad, Jesse, Jake and Scott are good men--then you suck at your job Second, why are JR, David, Adam (when he was on) exempt? What makes their crimes so much worse than behavior is forgivable and whose isn't. That's why, despite his dastardly ways, David Hayward still had fans. That's why no matter what they did and what they had characters say, most of the viewing audience despised Babe until the day the character died.

And Kendall's bony ass could shut the hell up. She's really angry with Greenlee because she won't go back to Ryan She and the rest of the Kanes can head back to whence they came at anytime. I'm sick of the lot of them.

so I am not missing much by not watching AMC. so sad. AMC used to be the best....IMO

This epi was definitely one for the books. Sure, they had reasons for hating David, but as far as Amanda's throwaway line about him claiming Trevor, he only did that after bonding with that baby (and the secret didn't even last long)....the same baby Amanda and Jake concocted riduculous plots for. They started that whole thing.

What infuriated me more than anything was Tad on his moral high horse. He's a freaking murderer! That is reason enough why I never want to hear him listing David's bad deeds again. What I wouldn't give for someone to find that out.

I don't hate Liza, so I was fine with agreeing with her. She's right. It's funny how she's the Martin's go to girl when they needed help, but now that she and Tad are on the outs, she's the worst person ever.

I let a lot of things slide, but when I agree with Krystal and/or Ryan about anything....well, someone needs an ass-whoopin'.

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It looks great and simple to use.

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