In Which I Turn Into Jan Brady

And scream "All we hear about is Brenda. Brenda, Brenda, Brenda!"

I was trying to think of a way to describe the show's Brenda overdose and then it hit me: the constant mentions of Ms. Barrett is like my inner monologue when I was in fifth and sixth grade.

And then it hit me again: this is karma for the span of time where I drove people, my mother in particular, crazy with breathlessly babbling about the adventures of Brenda Barrett. I dropped her name as much as Port Charles residents do, in so many conversations with people who, looking back, were blatantly uninterested. I...am cringing at how annoying I was (and clad in the best of the mid-90s fashions I was. Can we talk about that dark period in time for a while? There was the flannel, and the sunflowers, and I also remember a huge variety of slip dresses). And now that annoyingness is thrown back in my direction. I am to blame for all of this. Please feel free to pelt me with rotten fruit.

Let's take a look at Tuesday's Brendathon.

Question: Did CLAIRE talk about Brenda?
Answer: Yes

 
Claire, as we all heard and were appalled by, wants to keep Brenda alive because she feels that Brenda's death would put a damper on her romance with the wee one. You can tell Claire is a Port Charles newcomer, because any longtime resident knows that it doesn't take anything as life-altering as a dead ex-flame to cause Sonny to check out of a romance; he'd end a relationship because he likes someone else better, because he likes the business better, because he likes the start of the NBA season better. So cram it up your cramhole, Claire.

I still don't understand how she has the authority to tell Dante what to do, but here she is, telling him that he has to keep Brenda alive at any cost.

Dante: Sure, I suppose. Ok. But she's got Jason now. She's going to balk at the thought of having a police guard.
Claire: No, she will not. She will cooperate because Sonny is the love of Brenda's life, and you're his son.

First of all, how the hell would Claire know Brenda's ranking of the loves of her life?

Secondly, if this sweeps period must include a petite brunette being menaced by The Balkan, um...can it be Claire? I find her offensive.

Question: Did JASON and SAM talk about Brenda?
Answer: Yes

At least they are actually talking about her for a reason. Specifically, saving her from The Balkan, and it's all very dull and I am not at all invested in any of it (OHMIGOD, do you think any of the head writer's favorite characters are in danger of dying?! I WONDER!). But I did get a chuckle--nay, a cackle, at this:

Sam: Jason, you don't know how this guy operates. You don't know how many men he's going to bring there. You don't even know what he looks like. You're going to need all the help you can get.
Jason: I have Lucky.

I'll Take "Things That Were Never Spoken, Ever, During Greg Vaughan's Time on The Show For $500, Please, Alex"! Unless he was speaking of having Lucky as though it were a liability; that was the kind of writing poor Greg Vaughan got.

Question: Did LUCKY talk about Brenda?
Answer: Yes

He filled Siobhan in on the plan to ambush The Balkan with Jesus--I mean, Jason. She was rightly skeptical about this, pointing out that if The Balkan is as dangerous as everybody has been saying he is every day since Bob Guza got the bright idea to make him the show's new villain, maybe he has a plan of his own to trip everyone up. He probably does, Siobhan! Especially since he now knows that Lucky isn't Ronan after all, thanks to some spectacular failures in Lucky's undercover skills. Being undercover means, apparently, that you can have discussions about your secret identity in public places where thugs are lurking in the shadows.

Lucky: Look, I'm still Ronan until the Balkan's caught.

Lulu: So just be Lucky Spencer for one night, and you can go back to being Ronan O'Reilly.

What?! Were you all screaming "Whuuuuut?", or some variation, at how dumb that was? Well, wait, there's more: apparently when you're undercover, you're allowed to just, like, clock out for your fifteen minute break and visit your family in another public place, filled with people!

 
What would have happened if someone at the hospital was like, "Hey, Lucky, haven't seen you in a while?" Would he have replied, "I'm deep undercover as an assassin named Ronan O'Reilly, so..." to the obviously horrified person making smalltalk? I feel like scenes were filmed but edited out of yesterday's show--because what was the point of bringing in Lucky if we didn't get a scene with just Lucky and Luke? Isn't that why Lulu and Tracy left, to set that up?--and I'd give anything for one of the scenes to be that exact conversation unfolding between Lucky and Epiphany, because while her inappropriate attitude and lack of boundaries usually annoys me, Lucky totally deserves a lecture from her for being terrible at undercover work. 

Question: Did MOLLY talk about Brenda?
Answer: Yes

 
Ugh, Molly. I find her so cloying and irksome. The syrupy way she says certain things, like "Uncle Sonny", is like nails on a chalkboard to me, so I always sigh in aggravation when I see her. She was talking to Michael (is anybody still questioning why I want this poor child to get a hug?!) about how he needs to urge Jason to be more pronounced with his affection for Sam, because she's probably feeling under-appreciated.

Molly: See, Jason's living with his ex-wife, who just happens to be a supermodel, and Spinelli spends all his time waiting on Brenda instead of working on P.I. Cases. Sam has to be feeling neglected. I know I would.

Shut up, Molly. I just find it weird that anybody would be discussing this turn of events like it's something Jason has welcomed into his life. Do people not see Jason's obvious consternation whenever he is in the same room as Brenda?! He's practically turning into Mr. DeMartino from Daria when he talks to her. I don't often make excuses for hired killers, but I have to take the hitman's side, here: he'd be a much happier person--well, as happy and human as he is capable of being--if he didn't have to interact with Brenda at all.

And then she introduced herself to Abby. Remember Abby, the stripper and probable call-girl that Sam brought in to get Michael comfortable with the idea of sexing? Well, the official story now is that she was never a call-girl at all, just an exotic dancer who wanted to help Michael out of the goodness of her heart. Anyway, she is (1) back (2) more talented than some of the people this show has on contract (3) lovely and (4) seriously sweet with Michael.

 
What does it say about this show that I am peeved every time the name of my favorite soap character ever is mentioned, but am thisclose to starting a fanboard for a character who...is she even a recurring character? 

Where was I? Right, Molly.

Molly: Um, excuse me. We haven't been introduced. I'm Molly Lansing Davis*, Michael's cousin. And you are?
Abby: Abby Haver. Hi.
Molly: It's nice to meet you, Abby. And how do you and Michael know each other?

It didn't play out quite as rudely as you could read it, but still: go sell precocious somewhere else, kid.

*SHOCKED that they had her use the Lansing part of her name! I assumed they would just eventually pass Molly off as another of Alexis's fatherless daughters.

Question: Did JAX talk about Brenda?
Answer: Yes

He also talked TO Brenda, and FLASHBACKED about Brenda.

 
 
And I am a totally biased hypocrite because...I loved every second of it. I'm sorry. I need help*.

*I also need more of Brenda with Robin, and Brenda with the Quartermaines that are still alive. I mean, if we are going to get All Brenda, All The Time, can't we have some bonding that is filled with history and happy memories?

Question: Did LULU talk about Brenda?
Answer: Yes

 
I hesitate to even put this question out into the universe, because I just know that Bob Guza will respond by crowing "You just ain't seen nothing yet", but...how much longer can we do the whole "Lulu says something about Dante not being under Brenda's spell, when--wait for it--wait for it--Dante and Brenda actually have a past. OMG!" thing?

Lulu: Well, Brenda is, like, creeping into every part of my life--my work, my friendships. Now you're going to be spending, like, what, 8 hours with her gazing into those brown eyes?
Dante: Look, police guards--we don't gaze into eyes. We open doors, and we screen visitors, and we shoot bad guys.
Lulu: You know what I mean. I just--I don't know. I think that you're going to get sucked into the Brenda vortex.

Little does she know that he has already been...um, sucked.

I am mildly terrified at the prospect of Dante and Brenda spending more time together, either romantically or platonically. Not because I find the idea of someone being with a father and son questionable (it's a soap! It's been done! Like, by most women on All My Children!), but because we'll get more flashbacks for sure. And two airhogs hogging air TOGETHER, and then two other airhogs talking about the aforementioned air hogging in an air hoggish manner...I just cannot.

Question: Did CARLY talk about Brenda?
Answer: Um, duh.

 
I have to give Carly credit: when she heard that Jax went to visit Brenda and had a lengthy conversation with her, she didn't immediately curl up in the fetal position in the Metro Court lobby and sob at full volume "Why is this my life? Why don't you love me the way you love Brenda?" or march to Jason's and set Brenda on fire. No, she took the high road of listening tensely and seething, softening only when she got Jax's word that Brenda would never appear on the cover of Crimson. I wouldn't describe that as a high road for most people, but we are talking about Carly here; if there's no verbal abuse or physical violence, I consider it a mature response.

Question: Did LUKE and TRACY talk about Brenda?
Answer: No (!!) (!!!) (!!!!)

Luke and Tracy (and Michael and Abby) managed to find other things to talk about besides the world's smallest supermodel! It's just that...I hate everything about Luke and Tracy's story. All of it. It's not funny, it's not entertaining and it is an enormous waste of these two actors. Would seeing them sit and gab about Brenda for no rhyme or reason be better than this offensive heart attack crap? It just might be, scarily enough. Is that the plan? Is that how Brenda is going to completely take over the world? "Well, you said that you hated the non-Brenda story we have going, so..."

Comments

[Fleur]

Oh, Mallory, how many dashes of amazingness did you sprinkle in your coffee this morning, because this post made my whole evening! GH has been soooo boring lately. It was all downhill after the Stone-Robin-Well Incident :( .

Um...I will admit to loving the Brenda/Jax stuff too. How cute was all that New Orleans stuff? They have great chemistry and so much of it is held back, it makes it so much more interesting. Though how half-as*ed did the Sonny/Brenda conversations seem by comparison? Not just weak, but creepy, basically amounting to Brenda saying 'stay away,' Sonny saying 'come on baby, you know you like me,' etc. Makes him look like such a weirdo!

Lastly, I soooo agree on one other point: Molly Davies' Precociously Annoying TV Kid Circa 1953 Act. Seriously. I'd like to make a memo for Guza: Children do not talk like this. No, they don't. Not Ever. Really. And while I am only in my twenties, I'm still smart enough to know that the last time Hollywood thought kids talked like that was roughly post World War II. Nice to see the writers are keeping things current.

Or taking it from a different, more current angle: For a child like Molly who's supposed to be improbably articulate, her questions are so rude, so conversationally unacceptable, she's so clueless about the most common of social signals, I'm beginning to think Molly Lansing Davies has Aspergers Syndrome. Is that what Guza was trying to achieve?

[Brenna]

Great Article! I wanted Brenda back so bloody bad.

Now that she's back I only really treasure the days she isn't on and, that makes me a very sad kitten. I will never forgive Guza for turning Brenda into a Mary Sue.

The only scenes that are remotely good are the ones with Jax and Brenda. But we all know that ain't going to happen with the Sonny and Brenda agenda TIIC are shoving down our throats.

As for Brenda and Dante having a past ...no, just no. I'm sick enough as it is no need to lodge that image in my head!

[Anna]

"And two airhogs hogging air TOGETHER, and then two other airhogs talking about the aforementioned air hogging in an air hoggish manner...I just cannot."

This just had me laughing SOOOOO hard. I had to try to shut myself up for fear of waking my roommate.
I am so grateful to be GH free, and that I have you ladies giving me enough to remind me why I should stay clean.
The above referenced situation would be god awful.
The weird thing is how many airhogs this show has. I mean, there's not that much air to hog. Some of them must just manage to seem like airhogs without actually being them

[Janet B.]

A week or so ago after hearing Brenda's name mentioned several times in the opening minutes of the show, I decided to keep track of how many times her name was mentioned during one episode. (Hey, I need to do something to keep myself awake during the show.) I'm not sure how many actual minutes of show there are if you subtract commercials, but I think it's something like 47 minutes, and so the words Brenda, Miss Barrett, "she," "her," and in Carly's case, "Brinda," were mentioned 40 times. That's almost once every 60 seconds that Brenda was referred to in some way. In less than the first 5 minutes she was mentioned 8 times, and 15 times in the first 15 minutes. It became laughable. I seem to recall Guza saying that Brenda would not take over the show. If this isn't taking over, I'd hate to see what would happen if he "really" decided to amp up Brenda's storyline.

Love "the world's smallest supermodel," I have to crack up every time they refer to her as a supermodel. Also I find it funny that Carly, who thinks she is so much better than any other woman on the planet, is so freaking insecure about every other woman on the planet, and goes around shrieking at the very thought of any of the men in her life even breathing the same air as "Brinda."

[Rhiannon]

So, you're telling me that if I'd played the "Drink every time Brenda's name is mentioned" game for this episode, I'd have been unconscious or possibly mostly dead within 15 minutes? Good thing I didn't follow through on that idea.

I will never be ashamed of my Jax/Brenda love, though.

[Michelle]

Love, love, love everything you said. To me, it sounds like Molly walked off an episode of Dawson's Creek. She could give Joey a run for her money.....ah Pacey.

[kate]

Thank God for DVR and fast forward.

[annabel]

Janet B, I had to laugh at "Brinda". I've been hearing this pronunciation by Carly too, but this is the first time I've seen anyone else mention it.

[Kolleen]

Mallory, I too was once obsessed with Brenda. Only I was in college and actually had pictures of her scattered around my house. I think I even once put a fake mole on my face with a marker.I wrote her fan mail and wanted to look just like her. I would gush on about how wonderful and beautiful she was and every one of my friends and family thought I was a freak.

I have waited so long for her to return and now I just wish she would go away. They have ruined the greatest soap character of all time! My Brenda obsession is over.

[sanen85]

I just can't anymore with this show. I just can't.

[horselover]

Guza ruins everything. Even Brenda. It's time for Guza to go or put GH out of it's misery.

[No More GH for Me!!]

I can only cackle in glee. for years, fans *(on this blog and other boards)have been screaming "Bring back Brendaaaaaaaa - the most beautiful, bestest GH character evah!!!!!" While I've been "Meh, Brenda's cool and all, but really she's kinda annoying most of the time." And now? Sweeet sweet satisfaction that the deification of Brenda Barrett is finally being reversed. Would that the same had happened to Saints Stone and Jasus, but I guess I can't get everything I want.

[Bourgeois Nerd]

"I'll Take "Things That Were Never Spoken, Ever, During Greg Vaughan's Time on The Show For $500, Please, Alex"! Unless he was speaking of having Lucky as though it were a liability; that was the kind of writing poor Greg Vaughan got."

Poor, poor Greg Vaughan. But at least, judging by the picture on DC the other day I saw of him the other day, at least he has his hotness to console him. Seriously, I think he's buffer and hotter than ever before! *sigh*

[Leanne]

How do you not love Molly??? She's so freaking adorable!!!!

But I agree about the Abby thing. I really like her so far!

[Luci]

Great Post!

Best part of the show was the Jax/Brenda flashback- you know, when Gh was GH.

As far as Luke and Tracy, they are not only BORING, they are vomit-inducing.

And can someone please tell Tony Geary that we LnL fans get his point. He doesn't want to have anything to do with Laura or LnL. He hates it. We get it. He didn't have to call Tracy ,"Angel" and twist the knife a little deeper. Tell him to take his anger issues and retire already.

[M]

"Little does she know that he has already been...um, sucked."

Bad, Mallory...bad!!!

:-)

[tish]

love your blog.... hate gh hate it hate it... with such a passion I can't believe... UGH!

Although I might play the Brenda drinking game one night just for fun!

thank you for watching so I do have to

[Lisbeth]

You can copy, paste this blog entry for Thursday's oct 28 show too. Even though VM wasn't even on screen: Brenda, Brenda, Brenda.

[Rene']

You're right, Lisbeth - even when VM isn't on screen, she's definitely in the next room!!!

The Devine One is doing her yoga and must have her protein shake (ee-fuckin'gads, Spinelli), Suzanne has to go up and try to "convince" Brenda of the Balkin plan, and up the stairs to see a nowhere-near-the-studio Brenda - though any extra airtime my beloved Adrienne Barbeau gets, I'll take.

I wonder if Vanessa Marcil is actually sick of it, too? "Uh, Bob, I see Brenda's name mentioned at least 3450 times in the scripts over the next week. Isn't that a little excessive? Maybe that 'Brinda' girl should get more mention?"

[Barbara]

Yes .... when Luke called Tracy 'angel' I gagged. Tracy? Angel?? Come on....

[Darcy]

Guza is mocking history before he destroys it for some reason he loathes Luke and Laura and Elizabeth and Lucky.

However there is more fleckery coming up re: Lunacy not just his new "angel" just notice and correlate a specific date is all I'm saying.

Tracey is one of my favs and I wish they would give her something else besides the Luke buffoonery.

I too am tired of Brenda's name being mentioned but this has happened before with Sam who's name was said so much I lost count but I did a week total she was repeated by nearly by the entire canvas and also how she can take care of herself and able-bodied.

Elizabeth said Lucky's name so much in dialog on one eppy; I honestly got a head ache she sounded like a parrot on crack.

GH has always done this its not new I guess since its Brenda its more noticeable now since the whole show practically is the Brenda Barrett show.

[Judy]

I have been sick of Molly since I first saw her, while everyone on here thought she was adorable, so I feel vindicated :) Precocious is one thing, overacting precocious is quite another. If she were not relying on little-girl acting tricks she'd be much more believable even WITH the awful dialogue.

I didn't like Starr on OLTL a few years back either for the exact same reason, and she's turned out to be a good actress, so there's hope for little Molly too.