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« Generally Hyperbolic | Main | On Hissyfits and Homewreckers »

October 13, 2010

Mounting A Complaint Against the Mountain Man

I fell behind on All My Children this week, and caught up on all three episodes today. Quickly, because I can't bear to watch an entire episode without fast-forwarding since nearly everything going on in Pine Valley this week has earned a raised eyebrow and sneer from me: everything with Damon, Colby and Liza; Kendall, Jake, Amanda, Bianca and Ryan having a "Totally Sucks That You're On Trial For Killing Your Husband" party for Greenlee; Greenlee flashing back to Ryan's words of wisdom in order to give her strength; Krystal; Madison actually saying the following words about being given a key to Ryan's and not immediately dying of embarrassment on the spot:

Madison: I just keep coming up with reasons to go out and come back in so I can use my new key.
Ryan: You like it?
Madison: I love it. It's the best key I've owned in my whole life.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Being able to speak those words without dissolving into a fit of hysterical, self-loathing laughter is such an achievement that I think Stephanie Gatschet should put this on her Emmy reel!

But cheesy and wretched as those things may be, they PALE in comparison to my biggest AMC-related complaint right now--Caleb Cooney/Cortlandt, who I referred to several times in my AMC notes simply as "Surly Dick". I find myself visibly tensing when he appears on screen, and even during episodes where he's mercifully not present, my mind wanders in his direction anyway. "Remember Caleb?" I think to myself. "Ugh, he's terrible". Because HE IS.

Consider the grossness he exhibited on Monday when he gleefully informed JR that he lost custody of AJ:

JR: Get out of my house. No one will ever take my son from me.
Caleb: Isn't it a bitch when somebody takes away something that belongs to you?

First of all, AJ is a "something"? And second of all, because a HUMAN CHILD is EXACTLY THE SAME THING as a company you sullenly informed everyone you DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE MAN.

He's awful. And Michael Nouri is probably a very nice person and I am sure that he has been stellar in other roles, but he is not even trying here. And while I wouldn't blame him for thinking that it's not fair to expect him to make an effort when the writers so clearly refuse to, the overall effect is just...loathing whenever he opens his mouth to make a monotonous, awful comment.

So explain it to me, Serial Drama readers: are we supposed to hate him? Because I do. Or are we supposed to root for him? Because I don't. Or was the entire purpose of this character to give Ryan serious competition for the Worst in Pine Valley? Because in that case, I will say the following words for the first and, likely, only time this year: mission accomplished, AMC writers.


Screw that Cortlandt Electronics intrigue (and I am granting very liberal use of the word here) -- I'm waiting for La Kane to have a post mid-life crisis resulting in her running away to pursue her dream of dancing with the stars, a move that results in her getting a job as a welder at the local steel mill by day and donning her leg warmers at Foxy's by night where she attracts the attentions of Caleb who later gets her the big audition at the Pine Valley Conservatory where Bruno Toniloi pronounces her "a rev-UH-la-SHUN! Set-SEE and uh-LURE-ing!" before Caleb rushes in with a bouquet of roses.

Now THAT is some shit I would tune in for.

I have hated this ass since day one when he was supposed to be Erica's hero when he let her stay in a filthy cabin with an infection; stole her cellphone, and basically abused her the entire time. He definitely has an alcohol issue and his attitude makes me wants to slap his ugly face. I can't stomach him around Erica and I will never buy he is anyone's hero. I say make him fall in love with the Babynapping/trailer trash and let them go back to the mountains together never to be heard from again.

I hate Caleb and have since day one which is quite a feat because I consider myself to be a fan of Michael Nouri (shocking I know).
The character of Caleb is ill conceived and ill cast which just makes the horrendous writing even more glaring than it would usually be.
There is nothing about Caleb that should make Erica look at him twice let alone think about leaving Jack for him.
There is nothing about Caleb that should engender so much immediate faith and trust in him like so many of the people in PV are displaying. Krystal I understand because she is a truck stop hooker who is always looking for a new pair of slacks to slither into but what is Bianca's excuse for moving in with some creepy old former hermit and leaving him unattended around her children?
And trying to paint him as some strong mature leading man who is a suitable replacement for Adam is a joke because the character is a joke at his core.
They have had him blustering tough talk since the minute he appeared on the show and what is the big reveal about his past? That he is such a sensitive pussy that he allowed his girlfriend cheating on him to completely destroy his life and send him literally running for the hills where he then proceeded hid from the world for 20 years.
Yeah that is the stuff of legends.

I think the only thing I have ever liked Michael Nouri in is NCIS, where he is the Director of Mossad and a bastard but still I like him.

Hey BigPoppaSmurf, I think you're holding back. Tell us how you really feel. :)

I'm really disappointed in both Kreizman and Swajeski for the crap that I'm currently seeing on my screen. In my 25 years of life the best soap opera writing I have honestly seen and loved was the last year of Guiding Light. I got my Otalia, Reva being awesome, Josh not an ass, killing off of greasy hit men, Phillip etc etc etc etc Pretty much everything was great. (Except for the Edmund stuff. They started off great with the stuff with his dead daughter...then it just was crap.)

So I have to say that I'm stunned to see the same old AMC crap when they took over. Ryan just being Ryan is one big example. He is beyond redeemable. I know that Cameron Mathison is great and like ABC's unofficial mascot but really the character has to go.

As for Caleb. Huh? Like aldskfjawioerasjdkf?!?!?!?!

He is apparently supposed to be the Zach and Adam replacement? It's failed...epically! I find it sad that he thinks that a child is a piece of property. I'm assuming they thought of Adam's bad traits but without David Canary's charm it just falls flat.

Poor JR. I feel sorry for him. He loses his son because of a stupid company?

Caleb is kinda like succotash, with a mixture of tastes and textures that really shouldn't go together. His lima bean side is kinda oversized and gritty, with a slightly undercooked appearance. His niblet corn part is appealing and sweet, protective of children and slumpy law students. There is a few slivers of red bellpepper representing his lust for Dorothy, but it's not completely cooked, yet. And occasionally we see his salty spices . . .

Okay, the analogy has ground to a halt. He's really more like Yosemite Sam, who is always waving his guns and shouting: "Sufferin' Succotash," while he's shooting at varmits.

Some of us hope the varmits will win.

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