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« Mounting A Complaint Against the Mountain Man | Main | She's Certainly Guilty of Fashion Crimes »

October 14, 2010

On Hissyfits and Homewreckers

I am endlessly fascinated by the Google searches that send people to Serial Drama. Like, this one:

I need to know what happened on General Hospital today.

The use of the word "need" makes the query seem that much more serious. They don't want to know what happened, because they've already written the show off, or assumed that the goings on are terrible; no, they need to know. And since I can't believe that anybody would be interested in such a thing in a "I simply need to know what happened, because I love General Hospital so much!" way, I worry that they are at the mercy of a pop-culture minded serial killer, like in Scream, and one wrong recap of today's General Hospital will seal their grisly fate.

Well, I am here to help, hopefully not too late: today on General Hospital, Maxie threw an extended temper tantrum; Claire was pathetic; Nikolas got better writing than he has received in years; the Scrubs story took a turn for the "WTF?"; Brenda and Sonny and Jason and Adrienne Barbeau talked about Brenda and Sonny and that is the only thing I am going to say about any of that because just remembering it is irritating me; The Balkan continues to eat the show, roping Johnny and Ethan into his storyline of danger and intrigue.

Wow, when I phrase it like that, I wouldn't blame any of you for not reading the rest of this, because how unentertaining does all of that sound?


The presence of Brenda has caused Maxie, like Carly before her, to become completely unhinged with jealousy and possessiveness. But while Carly brings us a kind of insanity that I find endlessly amusing, Maxie...just makes me want to smack her.

When Maxie was at Jason's, shrieking at him, and at Brenda and at Spinelli because Spinelli is newly devoted to Brenda, I could not stop cringing. The look of dead-eyed horror on Jason's face was identical to my facial expression as I watched everyone work themselves into an increasingly annoying lather, and we all know how uncomfortable I get when Jason and I react the same way to something.

Maxie: I'm sorry, but judging by the men you usually go for, there's no chance in hell you have real feelings for Spinelli, so would you mind just staying away from him?
Brenda: Oh, got it. So, no why wouldn't you want Spinelli and I to be friends?
Maxie: Pretending to have feelings for Spinelli when you really don't is selfish and unfair.

Maxie: You are a glorified butler, Spinelli. No, no, not even. You're like an intern that doesn't get paid and has to run around getting coffee and picking up everyone's dry cleaning.

On the other hand, Carly's plan to keep Brenda occupied and away from Jax was delightfully absurd.

Johnny: When a woman like you calls with such a mysterious errand, my interest is piqued. What's going on?
Carly: Take this letter to Jason's penthouse. Wear black. Look edgy and dangerous, and if you can get soaked with rain on the way over, even better. 
Johnny: No, really, what do you want?
Carly: Exactly what I just said. I'm giving you the perfect opportunity to meet Brenda Barrett...[...]You're so her type, she'll be all over you.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without Carly. Gosh, this show makes me type the weirdest things sometimes.

I love the bizarre way she parents Michael:

Carly: I want you to be the best parolee you can imagine.

I guess that's one way of teaching your children to reach for the stars.

And I capital L LOVED her interaction with Claire, who--let's clasp hands and sing this one in unison--is horrendous. Carly's obvious disgust was amazing.

Carly: You're not the first woman Sonny's changed his mind about. There's been many, so take a number and get in line, but don't threaten my kid or I will burn your life to the ground.

I can't even express how badly I want Carly to jettison her asinine plan for revenge on Dante and pursue, with single-minded obsessiveness, the complete and utter destruction of Claire's life. Preferably with Claire off-screen the entire time.


Granted, I have a large list of reasons for disliking Claire and Dahlia Salem's rapport with Maurice Benard probably doesn't crack the top ten, but it's irksome all the same. She brings out the worst in him and considering that at his best it looks like he's reading cue cards, well...

Sonny: I didn't expect Brenda to show up and the timing couldn't have been worse for both of us, I want, I want....




I didn't want to pursue a relationship with you while I had feelings for somebody else. But I did--did not walk away from you. It wasn't easy.

What? I don't even.


So, Ethan got beaten up by thugs who work for Johnny, but he loaned them out to people who work for...THE BALKAN. How intriguing, minus the intrigue.

According to my DVR, Maya was supposed to see this all go down. But she played no part in this because OBVIOUSLY, Maxie's hissyfit needed to stretch out over the entire episode. OBVIOUSLY.


Dante: It looks like all the [Johnny and Kristina almost getting blown up] evidence points to Sonny.
Olivia: Uh, I looked Sonny in the eye. I point blank asked him if he had anything to do with that and he swore to me that he was innocent.

You know whose word I'm not going to take as gospel? The word of the career criminal who lies like he breathes and who, oh, that's right, SHOT MY SON IN THE CHEST.


So, Robin (and Elizabeth--it's nice to have Becky Herbst back. And it's also nice to have more wink-wink, nudge-nudge lines like her admission that "I can't help but wish..." Lucky was Aidan's father. HAHA, get it? Because Lucky IS Aidan's father! HA...ha. I am annoyed at whoever taught the GH writers about dramatic irony) is back at General Hospital and was the recipient of more than a few raised eyebrows. In the interest of clearing the air, she made an impromptu speech to everyone surrounding the nurse's station.

Robin: A funny thing happened on my way back from Africa.  My husband, Patrick Drake, cheated on me with, uh, one of our own. Dr. Lisa Niles, which you all knew. She's a brilliant orthopedic surgeon, but she's also a whack job. She drugged me, she dragged me to a cabin and I escaped and, uh, fell into a well. [Awkward laugh] And even though Patrick rescued me, we are separated and plan to stay that way. Beyond that, it's no one else's business.

Robin then says something about how she was going to suggest everybody get back to work after that, and Epiphany calmly agrees and doesn't make a scene even, um, scenier. Just kidding, that's not how Pip operates--she doesn't suggest anyone get back to work, she demands it. And, because she's Epiphany, her demand comes after some snark.

Epiphany: You and Drake Junior here dragged us all through the start of this marriage. I would kindly ask you not to drag us through the end of it.

Obviously Robin didn't have the smoothest first day back at work. Steven's not entirely sure what to think of this whole cluster and points out to Liz that they have no evidence against Lisa (all of her stalkerish behavior, not to mention the whole "holding a gun on Patrick and Robin and then herself" thing, isn't a red flag, I guess), although Elizabeth vouches for Robin being a good person; Patrick asks Robin a question about a patient that she had already answered via paperwork, leading her to inform him "I'm ready to come back to work; I'm not ready to come back to you" and ask for a little distance. And, oh yeah, LISA IS BACK, YOU GUYS.

When she (and her oddly greasy hair. Deep conditioning didn't seem to be part of her treatment) got off the elevator and everybody stared at her in anticipation of a complete trainwreck, she said, brightly:

Lisa: Hello, everyone! Um, did anyone miss me?

I admit that I laughed, because the dottier she gets, the more better this story is, but...wouldn't her entrance and upcoming storyline have been more dramatic if she had been institutionalized more than a couple of days? It's not that I'm surprised that the show took the least interesting route possible; I'm just annoyed by it.


Remember how we spent the entirety of the Elizabeth/Nikolas affair begging and pleading for the show to give us just one reason for either of these characters to do something so disgusting and so hurtful to Lucky, who they both professed to care about? And the show was all, "Reasons? HA! Reasons are for squares" and continued to write a romance for two people that I can only describe as outrageously chemistry-free? Well, now, MONTHS AFTER THE FACT, we get Nikolas's perspective on the whole situation. I mean, the perspective was half-assed at best and, once again, it's all about Emily, but it's better than what we had before.

Brook Lynn: From the stories you told me, it was very clear she was Lucky's girl. So what all of a sudden made her so irresistible?
Nikolas: Temporary insanity, I guess. A kiss that we never should have shared led to us wanting another one. I don't know. For a minute, I tried to convince myself that all those years of friendship with Elizabeth led to something more, but...
Brook Lynn: Oh, see, now it all makes sense. Nikolas, this doesn't have anything to do with Elizabeth. It's about you not being over Emily. You think your life can't go on without her, so now you're trying to settle for her best friend.
Nikolas: Incredibly perceptive of you.
Brook Lynn: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but don't you think it's time that--you need to get over Emily. [...] Emily was wonderful. We all miss her, we all loved her, but it is time to let her go.

His "temporary insanity" explanation would have made me smile if I still didn't have such memories of the temporary blindness I suffered during their ill-fated affair...


Is it weird that I wanted to touch Carly's hair today? I still hate her, but the hair was mesmerizing. And speaking of hair, WTF is on Steve's head? That's all I can say, really, because thinking about anything else that happened today makes me want to punch someone.

Brianna Brown, please buy shampoo.
I think of all the places I would have gone, but didn't because my hair was too greasy. Then I see you, Brianna, on national television, with hair that is worse than that of Chilean miners who have been trapped underground for 68 days.

Borrow Sibohan's hat.

no proof dr. tiny bad hair?

what about the oddly dead nurse from ortho whose last task on the job was filling a scrip for a knockout drug for the greasy headed whackadoo???

what about the kidnapped emma witnessed by patty and the nanny as well as robin who obviously cannot be trusted?

the stolen house key, the wrecked locker, biling toy, defaced wedding pics etc.....

i get this is guzaland and robin is too clueless to tell mac about all of this (which is ludicrous beyond ludicrous) but sayong there is no proof? WTF?!?!?! Steve, even you know Lia only beded you to pique Patty's jealou insecurities, come on.

this show blows

and thanks kudos and bite me to guza for making maxie as annoying and clueless as spinelli :-(

Carly today was just awesome. I did find it funny that Michael went to his mother who of course has a history of great well thought out plans that always work and never blow up in her face. Why didn't he go to Dante?

Brenda continues to annoy me. In fact I find myself rather annoyed with even the thought of a Brenda and Sonny relationship.

"How intriguing, minus the intrigue."


Mallory, your one liners are brilliant! As opposed to the pages of dialogue that GH churns out...which are not quite brilliant.

We watch the show taped every night while we eat dinner on the couch. Tuesday we made the mistake of playing the Star Trek game (you know: every time "Bones says he's dead, Jim," you have to slam a shot) with Brender's name. We didn't make it to the half hour local news break. Bottle gone, we swam through the rest of the show. Never again.

Am I the only one who can not stand Epiphany???? I absolutely can not stand her & she sounds like she's out of breath every time she speaks. Lord I miss the days of Bobbie at the nurses station!

Enough. Where is the Fatal? That chick is boring. That's all.
I'm ready to see how Scrubs will put their family back together.

An entire show has somehow been taken over and is devoted to glorifing Hissyfits and Homewreckers and plain ole Hos. It continues to sink. And yet - we know it will still go lower...

I think at this point I'm only watching to see if Mo will ever get out two words without bumbling them before cancellation. Isn't he old enough to go into the closet with some of the other cast members?

And either I've gotten used to the way VMG's cheeks have been so ... cheeky ... or did they really look smaller when I watched yesterday?

And yes, it is time for the Fatal part of the FA story ...

BTW - I do agree with your observation about the writing for Nikolas, finally it was decent. Except for the part where he screwed around with Nadine, and Rebecca, and Elizabeth while still carrying a tumor, errr- torch for Emily, I could have felt bad for him.

Hey Crystal...not to mention giving Claudia the sex eye...I am totally wiht you....could have bought that reasoning if they haven't trotted it out as his "Deke locked Sonny in a closet" card for years now.

Or if his behavior during those times was any different than when he pursued married Emily or married person we can't remember least Becca beheads us.

Just saying.

As for Lisa...bring her on! At least she' a villian on the canvas who's sole purpose isn't to glorify Jason and Sonny's superiority and how they are the GOOD mobsters as compared to the BAD mobsters.

Love the drinking "Brenda" game-- might try that sometime. The show might become mildly entertaining then.

Steve-- really???? you don't believe Robin???? what?? ugh????

I love how Guza still believes that Sonny is redeemable and brings out the abuse as his excuse.

I can honestly tell you that not all abused kids turn into sociopaths like Sonny. My mother was abused and was raped when she was 14 by her sick freak of a stepfather. Her "mother" blamed her for it saying that she seduced him. When he died this joke of a mother went from man to man and my mother would have to lock the doors because she had no idea who they were.

When she was 16 she moved out and got her own job. She continued to go to school and graduated. After high school she got a job as a housekeeper and eventually met my father who was her landlord. Soon they married and had a family. She has gone to college and is now working at a professional job and has done well for herself. (For privacy reasons I will not say what profession it is.)

What I'm trying to say is that using the abuse card is not going to work. He could of gotten a job in a non murdering people field. He just chose not to. He chose to take the easy and cowardly route which led to a lot of money and a lot of dead people at his hands.

So no I don't feel sorry for Sonny or his abuse. My mother has never treated me the way he does his children. She had never talked down to anyone and actually doesn't talk about her abuse that much. She certainly doesn't use it to win conversations either. I didn't even know about her abuse until my early 20s.

Guza if you are reading this...do some research buddy. Not all abused children grow up to be bastards and they certainly don't use their abuse as an excuse to be a terrible human being.

"Take this letter to Jason's penthouse. Wear black. Look edgy and dangerous, and if you can get soaked with rain on the way over, even better."

BWAHAHAHA! That is AWESOME! Thank you so much for continuing to watch this show so I don't have to.

Lisa needs to either break in to Robin or Liz's lockers and steal whatever deep conditioner they use. That would be the most productive use of her crazy right now because the hair is just bad.

Okay, kind of off-topic, but I think SoapCentral.com is trying to drive me and all other ex-GH fans insane with their NewsFlashback sections. I've gone to the site at least three times and found headlines announcing that Bob Guza or Maurice Benard is quitting, only to see that they're from at least a decade ago.

Carly wanting Michael to be the best parolee ever FTW!

Oh, you guys! Mallory, and all you commentors, thank you for the belly laughs!

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