Serial Drama

XOXO, Gossip Girl

"This is a hospital, not a third grade lunchroom."

I apologize in advance for the angry use of my caps lock key--sometimes Epiphany is so annoying that she drives me to type in a yell-ish manner, no matter how calm I try to be, but:

OH, REALLY, EPIPHANY? REALLY? DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE YOUR CHIEF OF STAFF WAS ALL "SO, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT LIZ'S MONEY PROBLEMS AND ALSO, YOUR WIFE IS CRAZY"?

 

The investment that Steve was all gung-ho about a few months back actually turned out to be a disaster, thanks to the FDA not approving the drug. Who could have seen that coming? Actually, I never saw General Hospital picking that story back up, so consider me legitimately surprised. When he filled Patrick in on this debacle, he went on a bit of a tangent...

Steven: I feel awful that I brought anyone into this investment, especially my sister.
Patrick: Don't worry about me. I didn't invest anything more than I could afford.
Steven: Well I wish I could say the same for Elizabeth. I tried to warn her, but she saw visions of college funds, family vacations...
Patrick: Is it that bad?
Steven: Well, she said she'll make it work, and I believe her, but she's been through enough already, trying to raise three boys and this stubborn streak about being independent.

Uh, thanks for sharing your sister's business, Dr. Webber! Weird.

He followed this up by voicing his concerns about Robin to Patrick.

Steven: I'm worried about Robin. Not the two of you, that's something you two can work out between the both of you. But as Chief of Staff, I'm concerned about her job performance.
Patrick: You can blame Robin for struggling after everything Lisa's done to her.
Steven: I'm just trying to be objective here. All Lisa's crimes, for lack of a better term, are alleged and she doesn't at all appear unstable. But Robin, on the other hand, is increasingly volatile, even erratic.
Patrick: Well, Lisa is smarter than we ever thought and crazier than I could have imagined.
Steven: I thought the same thing. But the longer this goes on--
Patrick: Lisa did everything that Robin was claiming.
Steven: Where's the proof? Look, I want to believe you, I really do. I wish Lisa never came here, but she did and she's a great doctor. I'm in no way defending Lisa, but you've got to look at this from another perspective. Whether Robin was okay when this all started, she's definitely not okay anymore.

Um.

First of all, Steven should be having this conversation with, you know, ROBIN instead of getting his Gladys Kravitz on. And secondly, are we just going to forget how Lisa threatened him with a sexual harassment suit? You'd think that would make Steven a little wary of believing everything Lisa says, since she's manipulated him, too, but I know that expecting continuity is like expecting Vanessa Marcil to express amusement with a chuckle rather than a cackle...

Servin' Up An Old-Fashioned, On The House!

Tonight, I give you wonderful Serial Drama readers the gift of a simple, totally unbiased, traditional recap. 

Okay, part of that sentence was true.

We open on James being irritated at Cole, which is odd since we recently saw James looking for Cole to try to make peace and apologize to him.  James suggests that this might not all be the work of one Eli Clarke.

Starr gives Hope some strange finger food to pick at and promises her that they'll find a way out of Hannah's parents' attic.

Langston busts up the Ford/Hannah reunion in a tedious manner.

Echo tries to console Charlie about the loss of Jared, while he tries to get rid of her, though she sticks around to drop subtle hints that she understands that kind of loss and is willing to ease his pain.  (Step One: stop calling him "Chuckles.")

Viki marvels at Gigi's sketch book, in which there's a drawing of the half-necklace from Rex's mother, who I guess is now officially Echo, since Rex is looking at the half-necklace in person in Echo's room, wondering, "What's Echo Di Savoy doing with it?" since it is a Llanview law now to never say "Echo" without saying, "Di Savoy." 

Credits.  Wind-blown hair!

Rex flashes back to the really boring find-Rex's-parents story.

Echo (Di Savoy) gets choked up and wants to tell Charlie something, but she worries (with little subtlety) that Viki won't like what she's about to spill.

Viki congratulates Gigi for pursuing her dreams and Gigi assures the woman who has given her and her son a giant free beautiful home for years and asked nothing in return that she's not too busy for her.

Markko runs into Cristian and tells him that he's staying in town till they're sure Starr and company are okay, but Cris accuses him of staying for Langston as well, since Langston is such a great catch.

Ford pretends to want another chance with Hannah as Langston looks offended.  She needs to look offended, of course, so that she can be so impressed later that it was an act to help his brother, because Ford is so totally great now.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

The October 19th issue of Soap Opera Digest featured our latest column and our thoughts on All My Children, Days of Our Lives and General Hospital. Mallory takes on all of AMC's recent casting changes and makes a public plea for the return of David Canary, while Becca wonders if she's on crazy pills because she's not at all enjoying some of the popular stories on Days and GH.

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

Even though I temper it with criticism, I do have to give credit where credit is due, and lately that credit is directed at ALL MY CHILDREN. Perhaps the powers-that-be tuned in to their own show and, like the audience, found themselves asleep before the opening credits. Or maybe they read an episode synopsis and thought to themselves, horrified, "This exact thing has been happening for weeks on end! How do I make it stop?" How they came to the conclusion that something needs to give isn't important; I'm just grateful that they are making some changes. And, naturally, because I'm the helpful sort, I have some advice for them while they're making these changes.

A Cornucopia of Adults

First, the apologies.  There's been radio silence on the OLTL front lately because my home internet was down for a week.  It's been restored, but it did take me a day or two to get over being lost and frightened and confused.  And then there's the baseball, which is currently providing me little joy but requiring much attention. So imagine my surprise amidst my delirium when I watched Tuesday's episode.  Llanview must've had something in its drinking water yesterday, because the weirdest thing happened on One Life to Live.

Grownups!

Charlie!

Clint!

Echo!  Roxy!

History Whitewashing Itself

Ever since David's death (...OR IS IT? It probably is, actually), I have transformed into a David Hayward apologist, quick to defend his myriad misdeeds and compare his bad behavior to the equally bad behavior of the rest of Pine Valley's distinguished citizens.

It's quite the turn-around, because I spent SO MUCH of Vincent Irizarry's most recent return to All My Children filled with loathing for David Hayward and all of the horrible things he did including, but not limited to, pushing JR off the wagon, everything in the baby Trevor fiasco, faking his death and, oh, right BEING PRETTY MUCH RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF STUART CHANDLER.

But then came his chance at rehabilitation through a relationship with Greenlee; it was a chance that turned out to be fleeting, since the show decided not to pursue them for real, choosing instead to relive past, um, "glories" by reuniting Ryan and Greenlee (I know. I KNOW. I feel dirty for describing that unholy union as a glory, but you know that the addled minds in charge of this show see them that way). And after that came his murder and a litany of terrible people talking about his terrible deeds and throwing parties celebrating his death, and it's all made me quick to sneer at the sight of Hayward-directed negativity.

Like this today, from Bianca, after a battered woman was turned away from the Miranda Center a few months ago:

Bianca: You did come to the Miranda Center for help.
Patient: A couple of months ago, but they said there was no room. Some money scandal, or something.
Bianca: Another one of David Hayward's great gifts to the community.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't that entire debacle GREENLEE's idea? Yes, David willingly went along with it, but come ON! It was all Greenlee! I think that if you're contemplating having a character do something so awful that it will necessitate weeks of furiously backpedaling and explaining that she didn't actually do it, the wiser choice would have been to not have her do it in the first place. But that would require some sort of common sense, which is not this writing regime's strong suit. So instead we have Greenlee getting parties thrown in her honor and David getting blamed for their schemes. This is totally going to piss him off if he's actually secretly alive!

Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun...

I know that suspense and intrigue are essential soap opera elements, but when General Hospital attempts them, I feel the same way that I do when a singer attempts to act or an actor attempts to design a clothing line: know your strengths. And one of General Hospital's only strengths (and I am stretching the definition here, obviously) is telling a story that's glaringly obvious with all the subtlety of Blake Lively's wardrobe choices. None of this "secretive hinting" or "loaded dialogue that can be interpreted in several different ways, because the writers probably haven't figured out which way the story is actually going to go".

Dante: I just wanted to make sure we were still on the same page. No one can find out what we did.
Brenda: You ever think about what happened?
Dante: I try not to. I buried it pretty deep in hopes that the truth wouldn't come out. It wasn't easy, though. You're in magazines. Every time I'd see your face looking back at me, it would bring everything back. I guess you didn't have that problem.
Brenda: Every time I'd see a cop, I'd think of you. I'm really sorry. Everything was my fault.

 
Between exchanges like this and all of the new flashbacks of a forlorn, emotionally fragile Brenda and a Dante who can only be described as an eager beaver, I think we're all supposed to be thinking "Oh, my goodness! What secret past could they possibly have?! I bet it is a humdinger!", but let's be real: the secret is probably about The Balkan, with a slight chance of Romantic Feelings on the part of one or both of them, and their secret will eventually be revealed in a story in which Jason saves the day. Let's just fast forward to that point, okay?

Another thing General Hospital is doing poorly right now--another thing from a list of dozens of things, obviously--is irony. Just before one of the aforementioned loaded conversations between Dante and Brenda, Lulu spoke these words:

Carly: What is it about that self-involved twit that makes otherwise smart, really rational men lose their fricking minds?
Lulu: I don't know. I can't even imagine what I would feel like if Dante was fixating on some woman from his past that he couldn't forget.

Get it? Because Dante IS thinking about a woman from his past that he can't forget! So clever. So subtle. So over this show.

She's Certainly Guilty of Fashion Crimes

I bet when Greenlee's murder trial started you thought to yourself, "Here we go again. As long as this trial lasts, Mallory's going to be foaming at the mouth pointing out all of the staggering problems with the Pine Valley legal system, because that's what she ALWAYS does when a soap opera has a courtroom story because no soap on the air is willing to hire a fact-checker or even just an intern who can just one of the EIGHTEEN episodes of Law & Order that air daily on various networks in hopes of maybe picking up on what actually goes on in a trial".

And you would be right in thinking that to yourself, because I spent all of Friday's episode getting worked up over Liza's criminally (HA!) terrible questioning of Jake, which really just amounted to a gossip session under oath, but then, due to two incidents that I can only describe as horrifying and offensive happened and suddenly my squabbles with factual accuracy didn't seem so important anymore, not in comparison to MY SIGHT.

Greenlee's outfit was wrong on every level in terms of her storyline and basic aesthetics. It seems, I don't know...unseemly for a woman on trial for the murder of her husband to wear a red dress to court.

 

 
And it seems, I don't know...deranged for a woman who, to the best of my knowledge, is not blind to own those shoes at all.

I've always had a fondness for wrapping hair around my elastic when I wear a ponytail. This dates back to when I was in fifth grade and obsessed with I Dream of Jeannie, spending hours to perfect the Jeannie ponytail. If Greenlee had gone all out and wrapped an enormous braid around her ponytail, she'd look less ridiculous. The ratty hair look, paired with teased hair (what the hell kind of deal did AMC get on Bump-Its and hairspray?), is good for no one, not even the lovely Rebecca Budig.

 

 
Then the second incident happened and it was HORRIBLE.

 
What a god-awful Friday cliffhanger. I can't imagine any turn of events LESS likely to encourage people to tune in on Monday.

On Hissyfits and Homewreckers

I am endlessly fascinated by the Google searches that send people to Serial Drama. Like, this one:

I need to know what happened on General Hospital today.

The use of the word "need" makes the query seem that much more serious. They don't want to know what happened, because they've already written the show off, or assumed that the goings on are terrible; no, they need to know. And since I can't believe that anybody would be interested in such a thing in a "I simply need to know what happened, because I love General Hospital so much!" way, I worry that they are at the mercy of a pop-culture minded serial killer, like in Scream, and one wrong recap of today's General Hospital will seal their grisly fate.

Well, I am here to help, hopefully not too late: today on General Hospital, Maxie threw an extended temper tantrum; Claire was pathetic; Nikolas got better writing than he has received in years; the Scrubs story took a turn for the "WTF?"; Brenda and Sonny and Jason and Adrienne Barbeau talked about Brenda and Sonny and that is the only thing I am going to say about any of that because just remembering it is irritating me; The Balkan continues to eat the show, roping Johnny and Ethan into his storyline of danger and intrigue.

Wow, when I phrase it like that, I wouldn't blame any of you for not reading the rest of this, because how unentertaining does all of that sound?

The presence of Brenda has caused Maxie, like Carly before her, to become completely unhinged with jealousy and possessiveness. But while Carly brings us a kind of insanity that I find endlessly amusing, Maxie...just makes me want to smack her.

When Maxie was at Jason's, shrieking at him, and at Brenda and at Spinelli because Spinelli is newly devoted to Brenda, I could not stop cringing. The look of dead-eyed horror on Jason's face was identical to my facial expression as I watched everyone work themselves into an increasingly annoying lather, and we all know how uncomfortable I get when Jason and I react the same way to something.

Maxie: I'm sorry, but judging by the men you usually go for, there's no chance in hell you have real feelings for Spinelli, so would you mind just staying away from him?
Brenda: Oh, got it. So, no why wouldn't you want Spinelli and I to be friends?
Maxie: Pretending to have feelings for Spinelli when you really don't is selfish and unfair.

Maxie: You are a glorified butler, Spinelli. No, no, not even. You're like an intern that doesn't get paid and has to run around getting coffee and picking up everyone's dry cleaning.

On the other hand, Carly's plan to keep Brenda occupied and away from Jax was delightfully absurd.

Johnny: When a woman like you calls with such a mysterious errand, my interest is piqued. What's going on?
Carly: Take this letter to Jason's penthouse. Wear black. Look edgy and dangerous, and if you can get soaked with rain on the way over, even better. 
Johnny: No, really, what do you want?
Carly: Exactly what I just said. I'm giving you the perfect opportunity to meet Brenda Barrett...[...]You're so her type, she'll be all over you.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without Carly. Gosh, this show makes me type the weirdest things sometimes.

Mounting A Complaint Against the Mountain Man

I fell behind on All My Children this week, and caught up on all three episodes today. Quickly, because I can't bear to watch an entire episode without fast-forwarding since nearly everything going on in Pine Valley this week has earned a raised eyebrow and sneer from me: everything with Damon, Colby and Liza; Kendall, Jake, Amanda, Bianca and Ryan having a "Totally Sucks That You're On Trial For Killing Your Husband" party for Greenlee; Greenlee flashing back to Ryan's words of wisdom in order to give her strength; Krystal; Madison actually saying the following words about being given a key to Ryan's and not immediately dying of embarrassment on the spot:

Madison: I just keep coming up with reasons to go out and come back in so I can use my new key.
Ryan: You like it?
Madison: I love it. It's the best key I've owned in my whole life.

I'm sorry, WHAT? Being able to speak those words without dissolving into a fit of hysterical, self-loathing laughter is such an achievement that I think Stephanie Gatschet should put this on her Emmy reel!

But cheesy and wretched as those things may be, they PALE in comparison to my biggest AMC-related complaint right now--Caleb Cooney/Cortlandt, who I referred to several times in my AMC notes simply as "Surly Dick". I find myself visibly tensing when he appears on screen, and even during episodes where he's mercifully not present, my mind wanders in his direction anyway. "Remember Caleb?" I think to myself. "Ugh, he's terrible". Because HE IS.

Consider the grossness he exhibited on Monday when he gleefully informed JR that he lost custody of AJ:

JR: Get out of my house. No one will ever take my son from me.
Caleb: Isn't it a bitch when somebody takes away something that belongs to you?

First of all, AJ is a "something"? And second of all, because a HUMAN CHILD is EXACTLY THE SAME THING as a company you sullenly informed everyone you DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE MAN.

He's awful. And Michael Nouri is probably a very nice person and I am sure that he has been stellar in other roles, but he is not even trying here. And while I wouldn't blame him for thinking that it's not fair to expect him to make an effort when the writers so clearly refuse to, the overall effect is just...loathing whenever he opens his mouth to make a monotonous, awful comment.

So explain it to me, Serial Drama readers: are we supposed to hate him? Because I do. Or are we supposed to root for him? Because I don't. Or was the entire purpose of this character to give Ryan serious competition for the Worst in Pine Valley? Because in that case, I will say the following words for the first and, likely, only time this year: mission accomplished, AMC writers.

Generally Hyperbolic

Just to make sure we're all on the same page (even though it's impossible that you could wind up on a different page, because even if you are watching the show on mute, facial expressions easily tell this story as well as dialogue can. The only way you could be on a different page is if you kicked this sorry excuse for a soap to the curb and if that is the case, you are not only on a different page, you are on a SMART page. And the more I type the word page, the more bizarre it seems), Brenda...

Is back in town.

And AWESOME. And GLORIOUS. And DIVINE.

Also, she SAVES CHILDREN. CHILDREN!

And she is meant to be with Sonny.

And is better than you, pretty much, on account of the aforementioned awesomeness and gloriousness, and so on.

Look, I LOVE Brenda Barrett. She's probably my favorite soap character of all time. The only thing keeping me from being a card-carrying member of a Brenda Barrett fan club is the unfortunate lack of a membership card. So if even I, through rose-colored glasses with "I ♥ Brenda" emblazoned on the side in crystals, am filled with dread wondering just how far over-the-top with this stuff the writers can go...well, it says a whole lot about the GH writers and their ability to ruin EVERYTHING.