Are You There, God? It's Me, Carly

I don't ask for much, God. I mean, really, what have I asked for recently? Yeah, I've been wishing for Dante Falconeri to meet a grisly end and to be asked to give his eulogy so I can take the opportunity to dance on his grave, but that is only fair because remember what he did to Michael? He turned my son in and sent him to PRISON, single-handedly, so wishing for a particularly gruesome demise is something that I am obligated to do as his mother. What kind of a mother would I be if I forgave him? "Oh, Dante, it's okay that you sacrificed my son at the altar of 'the law'. Let's have a warm and friendly conversation during which I am not openly staring daggers at you and envisioning myself wearing your bones on a necklace". Right. That would be neglectful.

So, no, God, I don't think I ask for much, but I will ask for this: get rid of Brenda Barrett. Which, I know, you're probably thinking, "Carly, I wish I could, because Brenda is a horrible person" because...because Brenda is a horrible person. I know she's a humanitarian or whatever, and everyone loves her, but why? Why? She's like four foot two and she's always playing that damsel in distress card, and, UGH, that voice of hers. That voice! Is it just me or is she totally shrill?

The last straw, though, God: today? I went to Jason's because, as I am sure he mentions to you, he is my best friend and basically my life partner, and she was there. There! All like, "Do you ever knock?" and I was like, "No, Jason gives me permission to insinuate myself into all parts of his life without any prior permission" and the attitude she copped with me was just...

Brenda: I'm going to ask you a favor, as an adult: please stop snooping in my past.
Carly: Why? What are you afraid I'm going to find out? Maybe Brenda the great humanitarian isn't quite so saintly. Who knows what I'll find if I keep digging?
Brenda: Hmm. Maybe. Why are you with Jax?
Carly: Don't worry about Jax. He's my business.
Brenda: Touche. Okay, I have an idea. Why don't we all GROW UP and I'll stay away from Jax, and you stay away from me?
Carly: You need to be real careful before you start throwing around threats.
Brenda: Oh, it's not a threat. It's an offer.

I mean, she can say it's not a threat all she wants, but come on "I'll stay away from Jax and you stay away from me?" Read between the lines and she totally said she'd gut me like a fish and I am pretty sure that breaks a commandment!

Brenda: I really do want you to know that I don't break up marriages. However, I do believe that Jax would be better off with a wife that doesn't cheat.
Carly: Let me guess, that would be you?
Brenda: No, I want peace in my life. But don't push me. 

Just so we're on the same page here, God, she basically made a play for my husband and then threatened to shank me if I pushed her. Luckily, I got in the last word. Yeah, it took me a long time to think of it, but I WAS just recovering from this threat on my life.

Carly: Or what? I mean, these secrets you're trying so hard to keep? They're going to take you down.

Good one, right? And this is where you come in, God. I need a list of all of Brenda's secrets. Preferably an annotated list, but whatever, I won't be choosy. I just need to take her down because one more day of not even being able to walk unannounced into someone else's home where I know she is staying and being confronted with that face of hers is just...I never believed the rumors that you are a vengeful God and that is just all kinds of vengeful. So please. Help me ruin Brenda. Thank you in advance.

Also in Port Charles...

• As much fun as I continue to have watching Carly lose her ever-loving mind, I...found myself broken earlier in the episode when Jax basically admitted to Brenda that...here, let his HORRIBLE, EVIL, HEART BREAKING words speak for themselves.

Brenda: You're the one who taught me how to love myself.
Jax: You know, I think Carly is also threatened by the fact that you're living here with Jason. She considers Jason--
Brenda: Her property?
Jax: I was going to say her best friend.
Brenda: Right.
Jax: But the results the same. Carly's dangerous when she gets like this.
Brenda: Oh, really? That's interesting.
Jax: What?
Brenda: You're finally ready to love someone unconditionally, huh?
Jax: Yeah. I guess you're right.

WHAT? STOP! SOB! ETC.

• Patrick is learning that hard way that it's always a bad idea to have sex with crazy. In his effort to get Lisa to stay away from Robin, well--

Patrick: What if I could get Robin to stay out of your way? Stop with the accusations.
Lisa: Well, that would be find of you.
Patrick: Would you drop the idea of getting her fired?
Lisa: I can do even better than that. I will act like Robin and I are best friends if you sleep with me again.

After an unhinged laughing spell, she admitted that she was only kidding, but it didn't make his blatant "How is this my life?" facial expression waver.

 
Port Charles is remarkably free of Robin defenders lately, save for Patrick, Matt, Mac and Maxie, but we can add some more people to Team Robin. Namely, GH's hair and makeup people who have gone out of their way to make poor Brianna Brown look utterly disheveled.

 
It's cruel, really, to make her go on camera like that!

• It seems like the show is contemplating making Steven/Olivia happen. On the one hand, it would be nice to see the guy get a real story. On the other hand, the only place this story is going to happen is the back-burner.
• The Vegas shenanigans are the complete opposite of entertaining.
• Poor Sam. First, she forgave Jason for being distant and secretive, because--and I am paraphrasing here--he is so wonderful that she can't expect him to change, because he is too good for that, so that's okay. And then he immediately abandons her to go tend to Brenda! She needs a hug for someone who won't run as soon as Brenda calls.
• Lucky and Siobhan flirted a lot, adorably, and then got some prime time during the montage. A montage that featured a song sung by Jonathan Jackson, at that!

Comments

[Neka]

This post is full of win! I would like to hear Carly's prayers more often. :)

[Janet B.]

Note to Bob Guza: One person with no story (arm-swinging Olivia) + one person with no story (Dr. Perma-tan Steve) does not = a story. Also, no amount of putting Maya into whacky madcap situations will make her interesting or fun. Cut your losses and hope that Lexi Ainsworth gets more mature looking by this time next year and put her and Ethan together. Flush Maya and Olivia, and try to come up with something hospital-centered for Steve other than being a judgmental nosybody. You can't force chemistry and I see a whole lotta desperate forcing going on.

[ckn]

Yeah, Brenda is needy, whiny and secretive, but there is no way in hell that I would not side with her over that vandictive crazy "girl". Actually, Brenda was spot on, there is no freaking rational reason for carly to despise Brenda. If any thing, Brenda should be the one with an axe to grind but she's not and I really pray that this vendata blows up in Carly´s face.

Also, Robin has nothing to be a shamed of as far as I am concerned. People want to hate on her for not being more sympathetic toward poor pathetic Patrick, but I am not one of those people. Truth is I don´t hate Patrick and I do believe that Patrick was probably working Lisa, but that is the least that he should be doing at this point. Lisa wouldn't be an issue if he shut her down months ago. Frankly, I am going to need a whole heck of a lot from Patrick before I can get behind a Scrubs reunion.

And for the record, Jax is a putz. He drops Brenda at the alter over one kiss yet has the adacity to forgive Carly after multiply affairs with his the same man.

Finally, people wanna hate on Brenda because Jason chooses to put her saftey above Sam´s need but the truth is that nobody makes him do anything he doesn´t want to do.

[Noelle]

They aren't being cruel to make her look like that. That's how she looks. Her skin is atrocious. GH didn't do that; she did.

[C]

The face/eye roll that Brenda made when she said she wasn't gonna bother appealing to Carly's good side was hilarious.

I love how Brenda reacts to Carly's insanity with calmness and then sticks the knife (i.e. out of nowhere envoking Jax's name).

[Carl]

While Olivia has already shown what a pathetic doormat she is by enabling Sonny, I'm not sure if I would want her to be with a man who thinks you can do anything to a woman as long as you don't beat her.

I was never a huge Skye/Jax fan but I kind of wish Carly had thrown that in Brenda's face...

[Marianne]

I have ZERO sympathy for Patrick-HE cheated, HE lied, HE sided w/the bitch who had almost KILLED his wife and child OVER his wife and child-and he FUCKING APOLOGIZES to the bitch b/c she had to go to Shadybrooke FOR almost killing his wife and child? Fuck you, my friend, FUCK. YOU.! Seriously, everyone's all fucking astounded b/c Robin hasn't forgiven Patrick yet, while I'm just sitting here thinking, "Why the hell WOULD she?" If it were me, I would have LONG AGO filed for divorce, sole custody w/supervised visitation until Patrick attends mandatory therapy for sexual addiction, and possession of the marital dwelling in addition to alimony and child support. If the writers' sole objective in writing Patrick this way is to make me hate him more than Lisa, they have succeeded BEAUTIFULLY. Fuckers.

[Crystal]

(Nodding so much through the commentary and comments I'msure I kinda look like a bobblehead.)

Carly is supposed to be what? Like 40? I'm embarrassed to watch a character with so little self-respect. I remember acting out as a child and my mother saying "Some day I hope you have a daughter just like you..."

That is what I wish for Carly. I hope her daughter is just like her.

Love Robin - and I hope that Scrubs works this out. But that would involve some real writing effort to make it the kind of story where the audience really pulls for them... so yeah, probably won't happen.

Olivia and anyone? *yawn* She's about as interesting as dishwater. Depth? Probably just in her ... never mind. But you know.

Sam is a slug. Which really is what brain- damaged, no-balls Jason deserves but if Sam starts hating on Brenda too much all the kids in ASEC are in real trouble.

[piperleo1226]

Marianne, I have two words for you: seek help.

[Marianne]

And I have 5 words for YOU, piperleo: Mind your own damn business. This is a place where many people come to express their frustration w/the state of their favorite soaps/characters-in fact, due to the abysmal state of almost every soap left, that's mostly what the authors of this blog do. If you don't like a comment, scroll on down-and if you have enough time to worry about the mental state of others posting comments on an internet blog about soaps, then I respectfully suggest that YOU may be the one in need of help. But you have a nice night, now.

[shawna]

I'm not sure if the time-line could back this up, but, wouldn't it be wonderful if Brenda's baby belongs to Jax and is a girl, making her, and not Carly's baby Jax's first daughter?

[Rene']

Random thoughts...

Vegas shenanigans...eh. Agreed. Which is sad because Luke and Tracy are usually endlessly entertaining to me, but that was just borderline Keystone Kops. I was waiting for wacky Benny Hill music to start playing with a shot of the hotel hall and all of them running around from room to room at top speed. Would have went great with that BEYOND OBVIOUS fake money Maya was flashing around and stuffing in her bra. Did somebody make that on a copy machine that was running out of ink??

Olivia and Steve. Eh. Agreed. Although Olivia does entertain me slightly because of the way she bobs her head and uses her hands when she talks, especially when she's upset. It's like being home for the holidays. My grandmother used to tell my aunts and uncles that if anyone tied their hands behind their backs and they tried to talk, they'd fart themselves to death. Ah, nanny....

Poor Sam...DISagree. Sam is all kinds of pathetic. She ought to have WELCOME stamped on her forehead if she's going to be that much of a doormat. What cologne do Jason and Sonny wear that causes women to turn into low IQ bimbos within 10 feet of them?

I find Jason and Brenda's relationship intriguing, actually, though I don't wax for it to be romantic. I like the friendship factor. It also pisses off Carly, which just makes it a "win win" for me.

Questionable accent or not, I'm liking Lucky and Siobhan. And it pisses off Elizabeth, which is, again, a "win win" for me. The only way she might be able to compete with Siobhan is in an awesome hair battle. But Liz's snippy comment to Lucky about Siobhan's "pretty hair" means even she knows she'd really have to bring the Vidal Sassoon to that competition.

Maxie's black dress with roses...HEARTS AND FLOWERS FROM ME. Loved it. Better than the circus tent shirt from last week. Wearing it to once again rant at Spinelli. Fail.

Sad moment of the past week - saw the beautiful Megan Ward on CSI last week. Guess she figured her paychecks were numbered on GH with Guza loathing any strong women with careers. If he had kept her banging Sonny, I guess she'd still be on screen. Independent and free thinking?.....your next job is "you want fries with that?"

[BJ]

I'm pulling for Scrubs, bad writing and all. GH has always written them badly but they are just such a great couple, played by two talented people, that I just enjoy them no matter what.

I have always liked Robin without thinking she is the bestest, most awesome character ever in history. I don't think she is being blamed for Patrick's cheating. I think she is properly blaming him but I do hope that they work it out and get back together. I have always liked Patrick and accepted his faults without thinking he is TEH EVUL because he doesn't kiss Robin's a$$. Yes, Patrick has screwed up. But unlike the leads on this damn show, he accepts responsibility and tries to be a better man. That's refreshing. And besides, it's just a tv show, it's not like they are real people or anything. I just enjoy the ride because Kimberly and Jason are great at their jobs.

I'm still a tremendous Scrubs fan and it's not difficult at all.

I like Lucky and Siobhan mostly because I like Lucky and I really like it when he has his own storyline and it doesn't center around Elizabeth. I confess that I do still have a few reservations about Siobhan but I'll give it a fair chance. I miss Lucky's Irish accent!

I fast forward thru most everything else, so I don't even know what "Vegas shenanigans" are or even which characters are invovled. Carly? Haven't watched or listened to that shrew in ages.

[Jenn]

Hey, can we get one of these Carly prayer posts about once a week? Perhaps it would entertain me since the show itself fails to do so so often these days.

That said, I agree with the person who said that Maya is a lost cause. She's just not interesting. And I really wanted to like her. But Ethan had tons more chemistry with Kristina than he's even remotely had with Maya. I know Kristina is a bit young and all, but hopefully in another year or so she will be old enough for him, because it seriously sucks that Ethan (a character who took forever to grow on me but finally did) is stuck in such a droll pairing.

I find that, online, people are pretty split on Olivia. Some hate her, some love her. Count me in as an Olivia fan, who loved Jolivia but has grown tired of their wash, rinse and repeat storylines over the past 8 months or so. I would be looking forward to a possible Olivia/Steve pairing if I thought for one second that we'd get to see any of it. But it would be just like the Brook/Nik non relationship that is happening entirely off screen in favor of more people obsessing in great length over Brenda.

And finally, I feel SO SORRY for Michael these days. Wrestling with everything that happened to him and yet somehow getting dragged into Dante's mess of lies and secrets. Oh and trying to keep his mother from making everyone's life a living hell. He shouldn't have to be dealing with everyone else's nonsense! Thank God for his budding relationship with Abby (which, literally, has been about the only bright spot in this show lately)