Sweeps Dreams. Or Nightmares, Rather

This November sweeps is a far cry from sweeps periods past. Historically, sweeps have served as a way for the General Hospital writers to demonstrate to an ever-dwindling audience that there are no limits to the kind of craziness they can dream up (Examples: "Masked men hold a hotel hostage before Jason saves the day"; "A strangler terrorizes a random Black and White ball before Jason saves the day"; "Toxic balls. SERIOUSLY, TOXIC FREAKING BALLS") and while I'm not saying I want to sit through another few weeks of the entire cast congregating together for some half-assed reason, waiting for Jason to save them from violence or other peril, I...I would like November sweeps to have something worth watching, because right now, the most intriguing aspects of this show are:

• Ronnie's dye job.

 
How does he get his hair SO BLACK and SO SHINY? Is it shoe polish? Printer ink? Or does he lovingly color each strand with a marker and, if so, what kind of marker? Sharpie? Or maybe Mr. Sketch? I doubt that he is cool enough to know and love the Mr. Sketch line of markers, but I can dream.

• Lisa's makeup situation.

 
I know I gripe about her hair all the time (I'm fixated, but it's a justifiable fixation!), but her makeup right now is giving me even more pause. Perhaps the over-the-top application of, um, everything is a way of conveying that she's going even more over-the-top in her quest to rid the world of Robin? But even if the heavy makeup is a character choice, I have to ask: how can a person own that much makeup but not a single blotting sheet? You can get the for, like, a dollar at Target.

• Um...

Okay, so maybe that's a slight exaggeration. While the majority of the show is so boring that it defies description (how many times can I say the words "and then [CHARACTER] talked about Brenda to [OTHER CHARACTER]" or "and then Brenda talked to [CHARACTER] about Brenda some more..."?) there have been a few moments of entertainment. And most of those moments include, of all people, Jason, Carly and Maxie. If you had told 2006 Mallory that I would one day type those words, I'd probably panic and think that a serious brain injury was in my future!

Remember when NYPD Blue gossipped to Carly that he was totally sure that Brenda and Dante had an affair, because Dante didn't deny having an affair and Carly practically levitate as she floated up to cloud nine? She thinks, for reasons that I am not entirely clear on, that this is EXACTLY the weapon she needs to blow Dante and Brenda's lives apart forever (really: I'm sure it could be uncomfortable counting a father and a son as ex-boyfriends, but she'd join the ranks of a ton of soap characters, and no one even knew Dante was Sonny's son, so..) and is practically shimmying with joy every time she talks about it. The only thing that can harsh her buzz is Jason bursting her bubble with, you know, SENSE.

His blatant impatience was hilarious, as was her steadfast refusal to listen to reason. Did you miss it? Here is a (barely) paraphrased recap:

CARLY: Dante and Brenda totally DID IT. They DID IT, JASON.
JASON: Gross.
CARLY:

CARLY: It IS gross, Jason. IT IS.
JASON: I meant your obsession with those two.
CARLY: I'm not obsessed. I'm not! So I spend the majority of my day thinking about the two of them in a variety of life-threatening situations, but that's not obsession, that's...
JASON: ...
CARLY: Whatever, THEY DID IT. Sonny's great love or whatever which, honestly, vomit, totally had sex with his son.
JASON: Says who?
CARLY: Says BRAD.
JASON: Who's Brad?
CARLY:

CARLY: KEEP UP, JASON. Brad! He worked with Dante and he totally said that he assumed Brenda and Dante were having sex and when he asked Dante about it, Dante didn't dignify it with a response which is totally code for "Yes, we TOTALLY DID IT".
JASON: That's not actually "proof".
CARLY: BRAD WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME. Brad is the most trustworthy person I know.
JASON: Carly, he didn't tell you anything.
CARLY: OH MY GOD, JASON.
CARLY: Are you brain damaged?
JASON: Actually, I am, yeah.
CARLY:

CARLY: Awkward.

No doubt disappointed that her BFF didn't join her in doing a happy dance over the unearthing of the biggest secret to ever be kept, Carly took part in her OTHER life-ruining plan, passive-aggressively talking up Dante to Lulu, who remains completely oblivious to the vindictive shrew-itude Carly is poorly hiding.

Lulu: I've never felt this way about anybody.
Carly: There you go. So go for it. I mean, unless you don't think Dante's the one.
Lulu: No. I know that Dante's the one. I know that he feels the same way about me.
Carly: Great. I mean, Dante's proved over and over again the kind of man that he is.

Luke overheard this touching conversation and correctly assumed that Carly is playing a game, which, FINALLY. How can anybody with eyes and ears not see that Carly is lying through her teeth in an effort to inflict maximum damage on Dante and Lulu?

The other major story Friday? Lisa's plot to kill (or harm) (or drive crazy) (or who the hell knows because the writers sure don't) Robin.

The episode started with more of Brenda's visit with Robin, which I don't want to criticize because I am happy that they are even having conversations at all, but it was heavy on the Sonny and Brenda and remarkably light on, you know, Robin. And what's with Robin's bathrobe?

 
It looks like something Fran would wear to breakfast on The Nanny.

Anyway, Brenda leaves and Robin falls asleep and Lisa tampers with a syringe in the middle of the hallway, which seems incredibly risky and not at all what a true soap villain would do, and Johnny strolls up to ask her where a doctor's office is and they have a completely stilted conversation.

Johnny: Listen. I wanted to say something to you before this, but thank you for not turning me in for trying to influence you during sonny's murder trial.

Who knew the writers even remembered that?

Lisa basically responded with, "HAHA, it's totally cool. You know, it happens. Am I talking really loud? I feel like I'm shouting, but it can't be because I'm doing anything suspicious because I'm not."

Then she went to inject something into Robin's IV because...well, because her new brand of crazy is just to re-live OLD episodes of crazy that have already failed once. Hilariously and awesomely, she was interrupted by Maxie.

 
Maxie: Get out of here, you crazy bitch!

And then she THREW HER PURSE with FULL FORCE at Lisa, who went sprinting through the hallway and barked at Johnny to take the syringe she was holding

 
Before playing innocent to a concerned crowd of Nikolas, Steven, Patrick, Maxie and Ronnie. Why nobody asked why she was running at full speed through the hospital is beyond me. Oh, contrivance. How I loathe you.

Adrienne Barbeau is SERIOUSLY annoying. Why does she...okay, why does she exist, first of all? And second, why does she feel the need to interrogate Brenda and Dante about their past, as if it is any of her business?

 Adrienne Barbeau: Well, I can read Brenda like a book.

Wow, that IS a skill because Brenda is just so subtle about her feelings.

Things I Would Never Say To A Person Who Shot My Unarmed Son In The Chest. I Know That This List Should Be One Item Long and the One Item Should Be "Anything", But Here We Are:

Olivia:  I'm really happy that you feel you can confide in me like this.

She said it while beaming. BEAMING!

 
UGH!

I normally love and adore seeing flashbacks of GH's glory days, but the powers-that-be need to made aware that flashbacks of Sonny and Brenda are doing present-day Sonny and Brenda no favors.

 
 
They just remind me of a time that Vanessa Marcil was so natural and wonderful, and Maurice Benard made a point of knowing his lines. Which...is not the case these days, if I'm being diplomatic about things.

Comments

[Bridget]

Maxie awesomely throwing that purse at Lisa was the best, most hilarious thing I saw all week. In all seriousness, though, I love how protective she is of Robin. As unrealistic as it may be considering Kirsten Storms is like 90 lbs, I wish she had wrestled Lisa to the ground and this chick finally had to pay for something. Brianna Brown is a fine actress but I can't deal with this chick hurting Robin and Emma with no consequences for another year...

[LogopolisMike]

Just for the record, in case anybody in charge is paying attention, I would watch episodes of the Mallory-paraphrased version of GH. Multiple times. And I would buy things from every advertiser (except perhaps the feminine hygiene products I would have no use for.)

[Fleur]

Thank you for bringing up the flashback point, because I've been thinking it since they rebroad cast those old episodes prior to Brenda's return. Seriously, watching a whole scene where Sonny was actually an engaging anti-hero and could get through a whole line without pausing, and Brenda was still a multi-dimensional character (and not quite so thin? sorry, she's still very pretty but I think she looked healthier in those old episodes) makes me sad about what we have to slog through now.

[Noelle]

Maxie throwing her purse and the skank scurrying out of Robin's room like the crazy little bitch that she is was the most hilarious and AWESOME scene of the week! That was hilarious. Lisa actually "eeped" and ran! lol So pathetic.

And speaking of pathetic, Lisa's skin is just atrocious. As is her hair. But are we seriously supposed to see her as some kind of sex symbol? She has turned into a train wreck on screen. I think the GH makeup dept is caking on her makeup to cover up her bad skin.

[BarbE]

I need the Fatal part of this Scrubs story.

[Crystal]

I'd really hate to see the show be cancelled, but maybe they could take it back to a 30 minute episode. And say a Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule.

I too need the Fatal part of the Scrubs story but I confess, I'm hoping she takes a few others with her when she goes down.

[Lisbeth]

Last week, the show was so horrific, I kept popping over here for some entertainment. Then I realized no one is blogging about it because let's face it, it is so bad there is just simply nothing to say. We are all just, speechless.

[realbrenda4evr]

I still can't stand Maxie, but her throwing that purse was epic. I may have watched that a few times.

Also, thanks Mallory. I was looking at my tv wondering why Nik or Steve didn't ask Lisa why the hell was she running down the hall like a psycho if she didn't do anything? She actively ignored them calling out to her until she made it to the nurses station and turned wondering what was going on! It reminded me of a time when my little brother tried to sneak in my room and tiptoed around until I calmly said, "Um, hello. I'm sitting right here. I can see you."

I enjoyed Brenda and Robin reminiscing and I'm glad Brenda made a mention to Adrienne Barbeau about the existence of boundaries, b/c the entitlement of some is grating.

Olivia is so full of shit. There's no way I'd make nice with the people who attempted to murder my kid. I don't care who it is.

Lastly, I noticed Lisa's makeup on Friday. Was I seeing things or did she have a dark spot on her forehead and chin? The only thing funnier than her hair getting bigger along with her crazy would be random dirt spots on her face.

[CSG929]

Your distain for Olivia "beaming!" at Sonny made me laugh until I cried. I truly hate her character and it makes me sad that Sonny is still on the show and not in prison. Maurice Bernard "contemplating" re-signing with the show is a joke. He knows what side his bread is buttered and it would make no sense for him to give up a gig where he is treated like the town stud who makes all the women in town's legs open just from his smile.

[Dawn]

Okay, now I LIKE Brianna Brown. I think she is a nice person and she does WONDERFUL things for up and coming young actresses in Hollywood. I also think it is so STUPID how she is constantly attacked by Scrubs fangurls who don't seem to realize that Patrick and Robin are not REAL PEOPLE. That being said, I was looking at the show Friday and today going "what the hell is the deal with her makeup?" I noticed the dark spots too. I have seen pictures of her off set and her hair and makeup are NOTHING like they have it on the show. It's all just weird.

[mjazze]

Lisa's skin is broken out... it was obvious when they accidentally did a close-up when she was at Jake's with Patrick. All the make-up on her face is to try and cover it up but I think it's making it worse because it's not hiding it but making it more noticeable. Add her horribly greasy and dirty looking hair to the mix and it's scary to look at her...she's a mess.

[alg]

I'm a Scrubs "fangurl" and realize they are not real people but paid actors and have never attacked Brianna Brown personally. I think it's admirable what she does for those starting in the business, but as someone with the same type of hair as Ms Brown, I question the choice of hair and makeup. Whether it is actor's choice or the writing, what she is doing is very subtle. I am still not enjoying the story although that, however, is an issue with the writers.

[Dawn]

And another thing. After watching today, I, more than ever, want Spinelli's iritating ass gone. UGH! His stupid Brenda love is worse than everybody else's stupid Brenda love. I hate that this show managed to take away MY stupid Brenda love. Damn stupid show.

[Rene']

Oh Mallory...just when I think I can't like you more, you pay homage to Mr. Sketch Markers. Who doesn't have fond memories of sniffing every single one at least 100 times in elementary school? I do question the common sense behind teaching young children to sniff markers, however.

But can you imagine walking near ol' Detective Ronnie if he used Mr. Sketch in black? If memory serves, that scent was LICORICE. EEEEEWWWWWW with a capital EW!

AWWWWW..........give Adrienne Barbeau a break. I know she's being all Mrs. Kravitz with everyone, but I just love her. Maybe she needs to pull out her loin cloth outfit from Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. She'd still be prying but it would be a hoot and a half to watch! I find her to be one of the few interesting characters left on this steaming pile.

Thanks for pointing out the $9.99 Walmart granny robe Robin was wearing. What the hell was THAT? Is she going to be wearing a floral turban next? I know the economy is rough, and budgets have been slashed on these shows, but REALLY? Ask Kimberly to bring a robe from home if you can't at least get something someone in her GENERATION would wear!!

Sonny/Carly/Jason Fast Forward Furiously as usual.....Olivia...WTF....

[Paula]

Personally I think that Lisa would be doing herself a favor to stand OUTSIDE of Nikolas's umbrella. Her hair would get cleaner and some of that make-up would wash off - just sayin'.

[Tara]

The posts with the screencapped/captioned Carly-Jason conversations are always the best. I haven't watched this episode, but feel fairly confident that this recap version is much more entertaining than the real thing. Also, I find it kind of hilarious and ironic that Jason is telling Carly that someone not denying something isn't proof that it is true, since that is usually all the proof that is necessary for Jason and/or Sonny to murder someone.

[Dawn]

@alg. I am, in no way, referring to all Scrubs fans. I am a Scrubs fan (well I use to be until they started writing Patrick atrociously). I am talking about the girls who do nothing but sit on Twitter and attack BBr or attack her on her personal webpage (telling her she is s whore from her mother womb. I mean REALLY?!?!). Those are who I call "fangurls". I know that is only a small few and does not incorporate the entire fanbase. :)

[Melanie]

Is my tv screen dirty or did Lisa make-up actually made her look like she had dirt all over her face.

[Pamela]

Brianna Brown may be breaking out in real life, but GH does have professional makeup people, right? They should be able to do a better job than this covering up the blemishes. Hell, even my 12 year old cousin who's just started using makeup could probably do a better job.

Also, Kirsten Storms needs to do something about her roots.

It's pretty sad that GH is so bad that the thing the only things that make an impression on me are the actors' clothes, hair and makeup.

[Gloria]

Can the madness stop anytime soon? Guza has tanked this soap. Peace OUt.

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