Serial Drama

A Case of the Mondays?

Maybe it's indeed a case of the Mondays, but I had so little patience for One Life to Live today that I could barely formulate thoughts or criticisms and only mustered up a series of pressing questions.

Did they change the font of the credits?  Is Inez wearing a semi-cute outfit?  Is it appropriate to propose to your new girlfriend in front of your parents, twelve seconds after you've introduced them?  And do we get pouty with our mother when she thinks we're moving a little fast by marrying someone we met two weeks ago?  When one is trying to seduce someone else, does one refer to them by the nickname "Chuckles" -- is this seductive?  So, Charlie kind of sucks right now, doesn't he?  Isn't it ridiculous to get offended when you've incredibly rudely put someone on the spot by proposing to them a few weeks after meeting them, in public, and they turn you down?  Why does Joey have to be such a chump when we, the audience, so desperately cling to his refreshing presence in the face of Fords' Life to Live?  How awesome is John Wesley Shipp for pronouncing "Rappaport" with a silent "t" at the end, and also for so relishing the lunacy that is the way his role is written?  How idiotic are we supposed to believe Bo is for thinking Nora would text him such a thorough and personal potentially-marriage-ending message?

Okay, seriously, why are they writing Joey as if he has lost his damn mind?  When did Robin Strasser get so darn cute?  How amazing is Queen Victoria, pronouncing "premature" with a short "e" sound?  Who does that?  Why is Marty talking to a picture of Cole as if he's dead and not just chilling out somewhere waiting for visiting hours and, most likely, beating the crap out of someone in a senseless rage?  Did someone actually refer to Inez as an "evil genius" -- I mean genius?  Evil?  That makes her two words more interesting than the two I'd use (Blandy McBlanderson), so are we in store for a treat, or just poor misunderstood Inez, behaving badly solely to rescue her GROWN sons?

Siding With Sonny And Other Awkward Things

I was going to make this a poll. A poll along the lines of "If you could rid Port Charles of any useless, horrible, obnoxious, terrible, I could keep listing negative adjectives but I think you get the point I am trying to make character, which character would you choose?"

And then I remembered that my irritation with Spinelli has reached such a fever pitch lately that the poll choices would be something like:

a) Spinelli. Does he even have a first name? If he does, I probably hate it.
b) Oh, right, it's Damian. Damian Spinelli. Yup, I was right. I hate it.
c) Damian "The Jackal, OMFG, I hate that nickname" Spinelli.
d) Claire Walsh...and Spinelli. In a murder/suicide story, maybe. With on-screen organ donations, which I know doesn't mean anything in daytime but still, let me DREAM.

I...really can't stand the sight or sound of Spinelli, is what I'm saying. I've never really been a huge fan of the character, but he has his moments of charm and Bradford Anderson handles himself capably when he gets good writing, but he has stopped being comic relief and started being the reason my eye twitches every day at 3PM. and the reason I've aligned myself with the enemy.

Spinelli: Mister Sir has crossed the boundary of intent and good taste.
Sonny: What the hell's he saying?

I know, right, Sonny? He makes no sense and is terrible. Want to be friends? Let's hang out.

Brenda: I know. It's just nothing. Um...
Spinelli: I cannot stand idly by as you are led astray by dubious charm and false promises. Please, escort Mister Sir out.
Sonny: No, don't even think about it.
Brenda: No, everything's fine. Please, just--it's okay. I want to be with Sonny. Let's just move on from this.
Spinelli: You are operating under a false premise. The man you once loved in the first blush of youth no longer exists. Time and tragic events have hardened the previous Mister Sir into a cynical, faithless lothario that leaves broken hearts in his wake.
Sonny: Will you stop babbling! 'Cause I'll stop you from babbling!

DO IT, SONNY! Stop him from babbling! Stop him from babbling forever. I'll be your alibi!

Brenda: No, no, no, no, no! Let's all calm down. Please, everyone, let's calm down. Okay? Spinelli, I really appreciate that you want to protect me from bad things in life, but you don't need to protect me from Sonny. I trust him.
Spinelli: I fear that is a grievous error.

I fear that I might actively seek out fanfiction that writes Spinelli off of this show.

Sonny: You... go wherever you go. I don't care where you go as long as you don't say another word.
Brenda: Yeah, it's okay. Just-- you just go for a little bit.
Sonny: Tell me that guy's not a freak. Come on.
Brenda: No, no, no. What-- don't call him a freak. Why do you call him a freak?
Sonny, his voice dripping with sarcasm: Okay, he's normal. Can we go? Come on.

If you ignore...um, everything about Sonny that isn't his seething hatred of Spinelli, he kind of isn't so bad sometimes!

Do you know how terrifying it is to watch this show and have your exact facial expressions mirrored by SONNY CORINTHOS?

 

 

 

If that is not a sign that Spinelli and his inability to speak to and interact with people the way earthlings do have seriously worn out their dubious welcome, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

All My Children is laying it on pretty thick, no? And, of course, by "it" I mean "Remember that time that Ryan was awesome? Are...are you sure you don't remember? Because it happened. He totally was. He was awesome and good and righteous and he gives blood and he helps elderly ladies cross the street and he never abuses the 10 Items or Less line in the grocery store and he saves lives. Lives of puppies and kittens and babies. It happened. Here, let me tell you again about the kind of man he is. Spoiler alert: he's the good kind".

Ryan: You know what my daughter said? She said now that Zach is gone, it's just me that's left to take care of the bad guys. And since you're definitely a bad guy, you and me are going to spend a lot of time together if you ever pull out of this.  

Right now, I am picturing Ryan photoshopping his head onto Superman's body and laughing about it. The laughter soon turns to tears when I realize that it's highly likely Brian Frons is passing time the exact same way...

The Plot Thickens, Congeals, and Finally Stagnates

I'm giving you guys the gift of a play-by-play today because... oh, who am I kidding, it's not a gift, it's because at the moment I don't want to torture myself by watching more than once, jotting down observations, and then putting serious thought into what I can't help but assume is going to be some sort of episode about a bunch of Ford/Salingers and maybe a few supporting players.

We open on... oh, a weather report.  Flights are delayed at LaGuardia, you guys.  It's going to rain.  A lot.  (And so it did.)  So instead, we open mid-way through some sort of menacing situation between Eddie Ford and Dani (in peril!).  She looks very disturbed by something he says about someone getting luckier if he plays his cards right.  And when I say "disturbed," I mean she looks at him askance.  She looked far more disturbed yesterday at whatever was going on in that French film (I'm going to give her a pass on that one if it was, say, Irreversible).

Now Tea is expressing her concern for Starr (or "Estrella," rather, because that's how you know she really cares) having to go to Statesville to see Cole after he got in a fight (because, again, prison staff routinely give courtesy calls to ex-girlfriends when someone's been in a fight), but Todd assumes the fight had no real reason and suggests that James Ford would have a legitimate reason to "be explosive," and Tea is appropriately confused that Todd would express sympathy for another human being.  (Okay, really that he would express sympathy for someone who's got the hots for Starr.)

Joey and Kelly are thrilled to see each other, while Aubrey is still basking in afterglow at the hotel.  

Nora shows up at Clint's to confront him about her fight with Bo.

Credits.  If we go by what happened pre-credits, today could be light on Ford/Salingers!  We've only seen Eddie so far.

Joey and Kelly speak briefly about Zane, Kelly's imaginary son/step-grandson and Joey's imaginary great-nephew.

Nora yells at Clint for making her doubt Bo.

Inez and.... crap.  Inez is on.  Bo asks Inez if the break-up with has anything to do with him, while Clint essentially mocks Nora about her insecurities.  He throws out an excellent evil smirk and --

THE FORD BROTHERS.  Okay, so I guess there are lots of them on today's episode and I just didn't realize that because of the weather report.  Damn you, rain!  Damn you!

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

We go through this every time the show leads up to a sweeps event or a major arc. The thing where the writers say, "Well, we have some time to kill before [sad attempt at an umbrella story that finds everyone in one location for a contrived reason/James Franco's guest stint ends] so rather than move story forward, let's just tread water. Oh, I know, I know! We can do the thing where Sonny and Jax hate each other. Take that, viewers who say we don't honor the show's history!"

So it's not that I am taken aback by weeks at a stretch in which people have the exact same conversation about the exact same thing. I am just..peeved by it.

In case you've stopped watching General Hospital and television in general, and have disconnected your internet and make a show of pointedly ignoring soap magazines when you go shopping, let me fill you in: Brenda Barrett is in Port Charles. And people have feelings about this.

Dante is a bit of a sad panda, sitting down for a mopey heart-to-heart with his mother about how how he thought he could be Brenda's knight in shining armor

Dante: I was so into the idea of Brenda. She was a supermodel, celebrity, famous, beautiful and she needed me. I got caught up in the hero thing. I didn't even see who she really was. She's like her own worst enemy, you know? She's needy and vulnerable but impulsive and sometimes she has the greatest of intentions but sometimes they don't go the way she wants them to and she doesn't see what's coming next.
Olivia: Wow. I guess she made quite an impression on you in a pretty short time.
Dante: Ugh. I feel like such an idiot for this whole thing.

As much as Olivia can bug me at times, I have to give her credit for being a pretty wonderful mother, because most people would have stopped Dante in the middle of that pity party, screaming "HOW MANY CONVERSATIONS DO I HAVE TO HAVE ABOUT BRENDA EFFING BARRETT? Jax and Sonny and now you? Screw this. Eat that manicotti AND CHOKE ON IT". 

Dante: I'm not going to be the one who saves Brenda. I just hope someone does.

Um, someone will and that someone will be Jason. I know Dante is pretty new in Port Charles and a self-described idiot but still, duh.

Spinelli is besotted with Brenda and spent much of the episode creepily waiting for her to come home from her date with Sonny.

Spinelli: I was hoping it was the Divine One returning from her date with Mister Sir. It has taken too long for a simple meal. No doubt the Sinister Sir is pressuring Brenda to satisfy his lustful--
Jason: Would you stop with this, please?
Spinelli: It's just Brenda is a delicate flower and Mister Sir does not understand that.
Jason: No, Sonny does understand Brenda. A lot better than you do.
Spinelli: Maybe he's known her for longer than I have, but I see past her luminous looks to the beauty of her inner soul. We must save her from his selfish advances. To the restaurant! 

My feelings about Sonny have been well--perhaps obsessively--documented and my middle school years were spent in a Jax-and-Brenda loving haze, so it says A LOT about the blistering hatred I have for Spinelli that I responded to this with a shrill "You know NOTHING of Sonny and Brenda! NOTHING!" and that the only reason I didn't immediately fast forward their next scene was because I was holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, Jason would finally shoot Spinelli.

But, no, Spinelli watched Sonny and Brenda say goodnight through the peephole.

Spinelli: Mister Sir is circling like a shark preparing for an attack. [...] He's being far too familiar for a first date. I greatly fear she won't be able to withstand his advances.

I actually found myself silently cheering Sonny and Brenda's kiss because of the pain it would cause Spinelli. Who is a fictional character. I am a broken person.