Serial Drama

School Time In Llanview

I learned a lot from today's One Life to Live!

• Having an asthma attack in high school makes the other kids tease you online in extremely uncreative and unfunny ways. They might even call you "Wheezie," which is apparently the world's cruelest insult. I've just become incredibly concerned about my life-long nickname.

• The Buchanans and Lords and McBains and Lovetts are all super-duper religious.

• Mailmen are frequently very impressed by packages that come "all the way" from France and, of course, like to let the recipients know how exciting this is. International shipping! What will they think of next?

• Long, blonde hair (Hope's) looks exactly like short, spiky brown hair (Cole's).

• If someone has had some sort of a mental breakdown and is institutionalized and is unclear on the distinction between fantasy and reality, rather than putting her in treatment sessions, you should really just find the nearest 18-year-old college freshman to go ahead and fill her in on what's real and what isn't, with no mental health professional present.

• If you're planning to have another DNA test to confirm your lineage because you think you may have been lied to, you should totally tell your potentially-lying birth mother that you might do so.

• If you come into town as a bit of a schemer and a con artist and you turn out to be blood-related to a Buchanan, this is very bad news and you will not get any money from them or ever be welcomed into the fold. Across the board. Unless your name is Natalie. This is very, very consistent writing, I promise.

A Silver Lining Shocker

To the surprise of everyone who is still watching All My Children--so, to the surprise of 18 of us--there is something happening in Pine Valley that is adorable and has potential to be entertaining. Entertaining on purpose, even!

 
I mean, right? She is the cutest! I have had a soft spot for Lindsay Hartley since she was Lindsay Korman and I watched Passions the summer it premiered. She's just so likable! And I feel like, convoluted and retconned backstory aside, Cara has gelled with the rest of Pine Valley (her brother? Um...less so. Actually, that's not entirely true--he's mostly fine, and I like him a lot with Amanda. I think the show should abandon their Kendall/Griffin plans, put him with Amanda and...I don't know, get rid of Jake's smug face) and with Tad, in particular. She and Michael E. Knight are just delightful together, as evidenced by their banter on Friday's episode when she accidentally outed him as a private investigator:

Cara: You deserved to lose your license because you're the worst private dick in the history of private dicks.

 
Cara: I got to tell you, I've always wanted to do a sting.
Tad: Technically, this isn't a sting.
Cara: I think I could be really good at the whole cloak-and-dagger thing, you know, playing a character.
Tad: You hang on to that thought, Mata Hari.

I was charmed! It's entirely possible that I have low standards (ha, I first typed "no standards" and that also fits the bill) and am latching onto something that is merely okay and declaring it great just because even mediocre stands out like a beacon of bright, shining light amidst the rest of this show. And it is entirely PROBABLE that whatever story plays out between Tad and Cara won't be even half as good as the story I have imagined (and I'm not saying that in a "My imagination is the best imagination ever", way. I am saying it in a "these writers are terrible at their jobs" way). But for now, I am cautiously optimistic. Hey, it could be good! Stop laughing at me like that! You know, bitter laughter with pity in your eyes...

In Which Jason Morgan Preaches To The Choir

Agreeing with Jason Morgan makes me feel uncomfortable. I could get up on my high horse and pretend that I feel morally wrong agreeing with a hitman but, really, it mostly makes me uncomfortable because it forces me to admit that Bob Guza has gotten one over on me and forced me to take the side of his most beloved hero and that seriously rankles. But sometimes--rarely, thankfully!--Jason says something amazing and I find myself wanting to burst into spontaneous applause or contemplating purchasing a "Jason Is My Homeboy" t-shirt, if such a thing existed (and it probably does because have you seen some of the fan-designed GH gear on ABC's website? It's a treasure trove of things that should not be).

Jason is as impatient and dismissive of Spinelli's book (another real thing that should not be! SERIOUSLY, that is going to be a real book. Sold for real US dollars!) as I am and, for once, his lust for violence is a good thing.

Sam, known for the rest of this sentence by the alias "Captain OBVIOUS" because DUH: I'm sure you're going to be the ultimate action hero. You're going to strong and brave. Oh, and you're bedding all the women, you're going to have your martini shaken, not stirred.
Jason: Okay, if he writes anything like that in the book I'm going to kill him [Thing Jason Said That I Loved #1--Ed.].
Sam: Stop. I think it's sweet.
Jason: Why are you so easy on him? [Thing Jason Said That I Loved #2, even if this one was sort of hypocritical because Spinelli has a throng of enablers, but Jason is the most enabling--Ed.]
Sam: You're never really as mad as you say you are.
Jason: No, I am mad. It's a stupid book! [Thing Jason Said That I Loved #3--Ed.]

Later, when Diane was giving him the cold shoulder because she's peeved that Max is caught up in the whirling dervish that is Brenda:

Diane: You have yet to comment on my curt demeanor.
Jason: You're always like this.

The robot made a funny!

Speaking of Diane, she was pleased as punch to hear that Theo hired Shawn to do some security/investigative work for him (and also some ass-kicking work on the side. I'd ask what, exactly, Johnny has to do with The Balkan and also, you know, WHY, but that would imply that I am at all interested in this story and I'm not. I paid attention only long enough to see Lulu find the injured Johnny and take him home and heard him say "Just like old times, huh? Ever miss those days? Come on, you and me on the run from the law, hanging out in that New Yor City apartment for weeks?" NO, Johnny, we do NOT miss those days. Those days were AWFUL) and spent the entire episode looking Shawn up and down and...getting aroused.

Diane: I'm sure your services will be much appreciated.

Diane: I think I speak for both of us when I say we look forward to a long and fruitful collaboration.

Diane: I, for one, will feel much safer knowing that Shawn is providing protection.

The italics don't fully convey just how lascivious those words actually were. She was undressing him with her eyes! He's handsome and much more capable, articulate, and likable than Max, but pull yourself together, woman!

Failed Sympathy Elicitations (or Suck It, John McBain)

Good grief, McBain. I am so sorry your freaking kid has been given an astronomical irrevocable trust fund by his grandfather. What does he mean, "We're not too sure about the whole trust fund thing?" Who's this "we?" I don't remember Natalie complaining about it, and if it's irrevocable it's clearly not conditional. What a freaking douchebag. Here's how he reacted to his son being financially set for life:

And is he going to mention to Natalie that he's helping Bo try to send her father to prison for murder?

And Ford. I am so sorry you lost the job you were rightfully fired from and do not deserve.

It is shocking! The poor dear! How can so many unjust things happen to this sweet fellow? On the bright side, it did give us Ford threatening Clint:

Ooooh, scary! Clint agrees:

Nice! Clint just laughed in Ford's face, as well he should.

Someone Needs To Do Some MyFace De-Friending

Poor Shane, getting bullied online.

And once again, One Life to Live's Art Department slays me. I hereby cyber-announce that I want to buy them all a beer.

That is all.

Oh and I have a headache. We really need more new actors? I'm exhausted.

On Ambiguity and Apprehension

Remember last year when General Hospital seriously implied, but did not state outright, that Michael was raped in prison and we were all speechless with shock and horror? "They wouldn't," we thought. "They couldn't. They could not possibly think that this offensive, festering pit of a show is the proper place to tell such a sensitive story."

And remember how the show then began to only allude to what it had only hinted at in the first place and, instead of taking the opportunity to rail at GH for once again dropping a story before it limped to a (barely) satisfying conclusion, we were all secretly relieved and made jokes about having dodged a potentially horrifying bullet in a way that would make Jason Morgan proud?

Well...

Michael: She won't see me because of the things that happened to me in prison.
Jason: What things?
Michael: Carter. You know, what he did to me?
Jason: Abby won't see you because of what happened with Carter?
Michael: Abby understands what it's like. Not exactly, and I think she was in a relationship with a guy who used to hit her. She knows what it's like to feel trapped. It really messes with your head. You ever think I'm going to be normal?
Jason: I'm the wrong person to ask that question.
Michael: Do you think I'll ever be able to act like I wasn't in prison?
Jason: i think that you're always going to carry it with you and I wish you didn't have to. I wish it was like when you were a little kid and I could just sit you down and read you a story about Africa and you'd wake up the next morning and barely remember. That's just not how it works. But you've shown so much courage, Michael.
Michael: Not always. Not with Carter. It's like I'm still fighting him the way I couldn't fight when I was in my cell against Carter.
Jason: You did fight him. Every day you live your life, you fight him every choice you make and you follow through, you fight him. Don't let him take your soul.

I was going to make this into a poll titled "Is there any chance that General Hospital won't screw this up in legendary fashion?" but the only poll choices I could come up with were "Hell No!", "HELL NO!", and "Please don't make Profound Thoughts With Jason a recurring segment of this show", which didn't seem like much of a poll...

(Also, I seriously don't remember anything else that happened in today's episode. I know there was some awesome acting from Julie Marie Berman and some...um, attempted emotion from Andrea Bogart, and Dante trotted out that horrible soap line "It wasn't my secret to tell!" but most of it made nary an impression on me. And I JUST finished watching it a few minutes ago. This does not bode well, you guys. Deadly dull PLUS offensive? The next few weeks will be painful, although we'll soon get a break in the form of Sonny and Brenda's wedding which will eat the majority of the show for most of February, so at least there's that.)

reasons to be giddy

Dootdootdoot. Dootdoot! Doot! Dootdoot. Doot! Doot! That's the sound of me doing my Ted King happy dance, in case you were wondering. Considering it was 6 degrees when I left the house this morning, the fact that I am now all warm and gooey after watching One Life to Live, of all things, well... it's saying something. Tomas was so cute running around all frantically, so excited to see Blair, so excited to learn she's single, so excited about his wine (to this I can relate)!

I'd say Chem Test: A+. Not that I'm shocked.

While I adored those scenes and feel like whatever this whole Tomas/Blair thing is definitely holds a lot of promise, it seems strange that basically the entire viewing audience noticed that the painting was from Blair and Todd’s wedding in the 90s, but Blair was so shocked to learn it. Right?

Meanwhile, Clint was hilarious immediately being onto Inez and the genius "wearing a wire" plan.

Inez was less hilarious being generic and emotionless again. After Clint pointed out that he's still in control, she looked at him and said "Whyareyoudoingthistome" in the flattest manner in the history of flat.

All Kinds Of Sadness

Last week will go down in...I was going to say "history", but my fingers wouldn't even let me type it on account of the absurdity, so let's revise: last week will go down in the first paragraph of this blog entry as "The Week of CRAZY Casting News". I had barely recovered from the news that Rebecca Herbst was let go from General Hospital when Melissa Claire Egan announced that she will be leaving All My Children.

I think I speak for us all when I say: "WHAT?" And also, "Oh, no!"

Melissa Claire Egan has been a rare bright spot on AMC these days. Even when the writing is terrible (which it often is) and even when the show accidentally stumbles upon greatness and then falls all over itself to take it back for no apparent reason, she turns in uniformly excellent performances. And she makes amazing faces! All over-the-top and soapy reaction shots. She's divine.

It's not that I blame her for leaving. She's ultra talented, so I am sure that she'll have success on whatever daytime or primetime show she lands. And I wouldn't want her to stay on the sinking ship that is AMC just because somewhere out there is a cranky soap blogger that she's never met who would really like Annie to stick around.

But, selfishly, I am disappointed all the same. What am I supposed to look forward to now?! Alicia Minshew can't be expected to carry all of my hopes and dreams on her bony little shoulders. True, there are stories that I have been enjoying (Cara and Griffin? Surprisingly intriguing. Rev. Ricky? J'adore! And I never would have predicted that, since Eddie Matos was SO horrible on GH and is SO irksome in his State Farm Commercials), but I can't let myself fully enjoy them. Because I know--I KNOW!--what AMC does when I like something. They take the something that I like and set it on fire in the most appalling way possible OR cut its screentime drastically in favor of more of...this.

 
 
...why? WHY?! Why do they get so much airtime? And why is their writing SO heinous and syrupy sweet?

Ryan: Do you remember when we met at WRCW? Remember that day? I commented on your name, and I said that it was unusual, and you said that you were an unusual woman. We've been friends, enemies, lovers, husband and wife. We've found each other and lost each other multiple times, but we're here now, Greenlee. This is it. This is real. We made it. Every dream that we've ever had, we'll live it. And for every time that I've hurt you, I will love you a thousand times over. And I got to admit there were times where I didn't think that we would make it back here, but we did because of you. You taught me what real love is. You did. Will you marry me?

Greenlee: We did it. We got to the place that we wanted to be for so long. We're committed, together finally. And I promise I'm going to do everything I can to honor what we have, to protect it, to protect us.

I HATE EVERYTHING.

What Else Is There To Say?

Okay, I understand that soaps are thrown together at breakneck speed and therefore do not allow for re-takes except in the most extreme of situations, but unless the cast and crew was staffed entirely with a gaggle of folks who just fell off a turnip truck, I cannot fathom how a certain moment in today's One Life to Live was not an extreme situation. When Todd (charming as ever) was chortling and gloating to Starr that Marty has had a breakdown, he bragged about his wonderful foresight in having conned Starr into signing Marty's rights to her granddaughter away and reminded his daughter, "You really went down on me for it."

I'm not joking. I replayed it three times. He referred to his daughter having gone down on him. I find it difficult to believe it was worded that way in the script, but I also find it difficult to believe that anyone kept a straight face after it was ad-libbed. Am I eleven years old? I don't know. It's possible. To me, that phrase really means just the one thing at this point, and frankly I'm not sure I'll ever be able to consume another meal.

So really, what else is there to say? I think I have PTSD.

Okay, no, there's a couple more things to say:

Shut up, Todd.

Nora and Bo are adorable but were really asking too much of Matthew to keep him totally in the dark while presenting him with this new world in which he didn't really see what he know he saw and can no longer associate with a beloved family member.

I really like Tea (and especially the actress who plays her), but sometimes when praise is lavished on her for her courtroom genius I really want someone to explain to me what she did that was so masterful. There was practically no evidence against her client and certainly not more than there was against half the town, and she exposed that fact in court. WHAT A BRILLIANT BARRACUDA. Eh?

Viki is the cutest thing ever. 

Poor Cris. Incidentally, the 2006 rerun from Wednesday was god-awful, and the only positive thing it really did for me was remind me of the history of tremendous affection I have for Cris. And how super-hot I found him with the longish hair. 

And finally? TED KING!!!!!!

Destiny out.

Showdown at the Buchanan Stables

First of all, I love soaps. The fact that the standard conventions will just never die gets funnier and funnier as years go by. Today, in standard soap fashion, Gigi and Rex were speaking too loudly in a public area about the babydaddy issue with Natalie and almost got busted by Jessica. When they managed to escape unscathed, they had a discussion three feet away from the original conversation about how with Marty in Crazytown, the two of them are the only ones who know the truth, and they need to be careful about what they say and who they say it around -- at which point normal people would end the conversation, considering both of the participants know damn well what they're talking about. But not in soap conversation. "The only people that know. That Natalie's baby. Is Brody's. And not John's. Are you and me." Which Rex responded to with a facial expression that looked like he might've just tasted a little vomit.

Then Cutter showed up and gave Aubrey a hard time about being cutesy with the mark (Joey), and I was wondering why this guy was acting like they'd never done this before. To which Aubrey immediately responded, "Why are you acting like we've never done this before?" Oh, you soapy tropey people, how I love you!

Oh and HOLY CRAP VIMAL'S WIFE IS HOT. I mean, the dude's adorable in a nervous, nerdy kind of way, but Shenaz Treasurywala is an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous actress (with Buchanan twin hair, I might add).

This woman married a man who "forgot" which twin's paternity test he was supposed to switch, and fixed that predicament by flipping a coin. I rather love that she's all Lady MacBethian so far.