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« Last Week in Llanview (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb) | Main | Clearly They Hate Us, But They Gave Us This Gift »

January 10, 2011

The Wrath of Carly

It often takes quite a while to find a silver lining in any given General Hospital episode, but Friday's silver lining was as obvious as can be.

For starters, it was obvious because it was the only thing even approaching entertaining. Like, Olivia is already making boring chitchat with people?


Then there is Lisa and her latest plot to split Robin and Patrick up for good. There was a time when Lisa's crazy was so enjoyable to watch: it was entertaining and she was kind of good at it (well, either she was good at it or the rest of Port Charles was just really bad at seeing obvious things). But everything after her suicide threat has been lazy and remarkably absent of logic. Her latest? "If you seduce Robin, then I'll get Patrick, which has been my goal since last year, but since you're still hung up on me, I'll probably wind up throwing Patrick aside and hooking up with you. And I'm totally not just saying that, I promise".

What? There are at least twelve flaws in that plan. And another flaw on her head.

So, yeah, the silver lining sticks out like a sore thumb. A tall, blonde, incredibly loud, sore thumb.

Is Carly a complete and utter hypocrite? Yes. Is forbidding Michael from seeing Abby only going to make him want to be with Abby even more? Of course. Is it entirely in character for Carly to not recognize either of those things and go on a self-righteous, possessive tear through Port Charles, ready to fight anyone and everyone who doesn't immediately capitulate and agree that she, and only she, knows best? Yes. So, so yes.

We got to see Laura Wright's wide array of snarls and death glares. First, she confronted Sonny, aghast that his first reaction upon hearing Abby's connection to Michael wasn't to make a Showgirls joke and have her forcibly removed from town, because she sees THIS (the old stripper dating) as the biggest parenting mistake she and Sonny could have made. Not the fact that Michael has killed someone, shot an entirely different someone, went to prison and spent his youth in a sociopathic haze. No: old stripper dating. Then she went to give Sam a piece of her mind for hooking Sam up with a stripper. Sam, reasonably, tried to spin it like Michael asked her for help in this area when we all remember that Sam just butted in and hired the boy a woman of the night, because can you imagine admitting that to Carly?  Anyway, Sam tried to defend herself and Carly made it personal, basically saying that she and Abby are two birds of a feather (paraphrased: "IRREGARDLESS, Sam, understand this: you're a skank. And you have skank friends. And if you introduce one more of them to my son, I will cut you").

Then she beckoned her newest archrival (I guess her obsessive vendetta against Brenda has been backburnerd for now) to Kelly's for a friendly chat.

ABBY: Mrs. Jacks, you--
CARLY: Don't talk. What, did you think I wouldn't find out you're a stripper?
CARLY: Don't. Talk.

CARLY: Here's what's going to happen, okay? I am going to give you a check--you don't even need to show me your ta-tas. Easiest money you'll ever make. All you need to do is get your skank ass out of town and leave Michael alone forever.
ABBY: Abby 
CARLY: I'm sorry, didn't I ask you not to talk?
ABBY: Look, I understand how you're feeling, because psychoanalysis is a hobby of mine. You hear that calm, measured way I speak?
CARLY: You mean how you sound like an old stripper on Valium?
ABBY: That's my therapist voice. And I get it. You're a mom, you're worried about your son. But you need to back off, okay?
CARLY: Carlystoneface

ABBY: I don't want to fight with you--
CARLY: Good, because you'll lose.
ABBY: I would never try to take advantage of Michael.
CARLY: Oh, I'm so sure the thought never crossed your mind. I'm SURE that you just really LIKE hanging out with high school kids. Talking about who texted who during homeroom and who got what on the Regents. Right. Look, sweetheart. I've been there before, okay? I was never a stripper because, um, gross, but the general seediness? The using people for money? I invented that. And I can sniff out one of my own. And you, dear, smell like bitch and desperation under designer imposter perfume. 
ABBY: What does that even--?
CARLY: WHAT IT MEANS is that I know you, Abby. You want a nice life, rich husband, money to burn. And you'll do whatever it takes to get you there. You'll assume a name, you'll seduce your mother's husband, you'll fake paternity tests...
ABBY: What are you even...?
CARLY: There's nothing wrong with being ambitious, you know? Big ups for that.
ABBY: You can't really pull off saying that--
CARLY: OH MY GOD, stop talking! The point I am trying to make is that you can bend over backwards--literally--to get what you want from some schmuck who doesn't know better, but it won't be Michael. You don't get to use MY KID. No way, no how. I will fight you on this. And you will lose.
ABBY: Abby

CARLY: You don't think I can ruin your life? Ask AJ Quartermaine about me. Or Tony Jones. OH WAIT, you can't. They're DEAD. Coincidence? I DON'T THINK SO.


LOVED the reference to the Regents exam :)

My other silver lining is Terrell won't last long in this town (Doctor...African American....I'm not new to this show) but at least he's cute.

Abby also looked a little bit stoned in that scene, which may partially explained her very measured therapist voice.

Abby's voice is always raspy, like she's answering a 1-900 call. Do they still have 1-900 numbers? Even when she saw Michael after the crash, she had a faux-loud voice.

Wondering if Token, the new pediatric guy, is aware that Robin has HIV.

I'm still not entirely certain this dialogue wasn't taken directly from the show...

"Wondering if Token, the new pediatric guy, is aware that Robin has HIV."


I mean, it's one thing to make your own decisions about risk levels/etc. if you're in love with someone, or even if you're just hot for someone. But the risk seems like a lot to ask as part of some Dangerous Liasons-style scheme. Especially if the ultimate prize is... maybe getting to try to convince Crazy Lisa to be with him instead of the guy she's gone crazy for in the first place?

I don't really see how there's all that much in it for him in her response to his very valid "What's in it for me?" query.

My bet is Token is going to end up dead just like the nurse that helped Lisa fill that prescription for the tranqs, with no one caring that he's dead. Also, if GH is going to rip off Dangerous Liasons/Cruel Intentions, it would be nice if Lisa and new doc had even the tiniest shred of chem together, but yeah, their kiss was so not hot.

Abby's soothing therapist voice bugs me. It just adds to her duller than dirt saint disguised as a stripper persona. I wish she would develop some personality other than being the most perfectly understanding stripper in the whole world.

quick question..and forgive me Im behind on episodes..but Carly said to Sonny that Abby was 10 years older than Michael..was that an assumption? or are the writers seriously going with that notion? I mean has Abby stated her age at any point here.

Perhaps trying to justify this storyline I was "assuming" Abby was around 22, 23. Michael is 18 years old, 4 years difference, ehh, not so bad. But seriously is Abby supposed to be 28!!

Because other than to pave a way for Ethan to immediately start hitting on Kristina and not look so bad, I see no other redeemable point to this story. Well yeah, sorry, other than the pure entertainment value of Carly tearing through Port Charles on a vendetta, not Sonny or Brenda related.

Seriously is Abby 28, thats GA-ROSS!!! And I am sad for Michael all over again. This poor kid.

Carly does realize that the only reason she exists is because her mother was a hooker and the only reason Michael exists is because she is a skank who slept with her mother's husband, an alcoholic dumbass turned sociopath mainly because he slept with Carly, and fake slept with her whipping boy best friend. She then lied about Michael's paternity twice, abandoned him and gave him to Jason, took him away from Jason, gave him to his natural father AJ, took him away from AJ, gave him to Sonny Father Mobster of the Year. While in Sonny's care he was kidnapped and almost killed, he shot an innocent woman, was shot in the head, in a coma for a while and became psychologically damaged, murdered a not so innocent woman and became even more psychologically damaged, went to prison and was raped becoming even more psychologically damaged. And those are just the worst examples of what he's been through. Oh yeah Michael's safety and happiness are Carly's first priority for sure.

Also did Carly actually say "You don't think I can ruin your life? Ask AJ Quartermaine about me. Or Tony Jones. OH WAIT, you can't. They're DEAD. Coincidence? I DON'T THINK SO." I kind of want Bobbie or Monica to overhear her saying something like that and slap the stupid out of her.

Just reading about this storyline makes me want to take a shower. But then again, there isn't a storyline on this show that isn't just gross or stupid.

The kid needs a pyscho-therapist, you dumbass writers. Not sex therapy with the really smart, but not really a hooker/pole dancer who sounds like she could use a little oxygen therapy for herself. (Damn smoky strip clubs. What's a girl to do for a little tuition money?)

And really ... Michael controls himself around his siblings and other than being a rude snot to Carly on today's show, he can pretty much control his anger.

This is a thinly veiled excuse just to have more sleaze on a show that has so little else going on, I can't even think what it might be.

Michael and Abby are always the silver lining of every GH for me. I freaking LOVE them together!!!!

Okay. I did not just read the word Regents. I go to high school in New York. MY LIFE. Besides, Michael goes to private school. They don't have Regents! (Does this tell you how much of a life I have?)

ARRRGHHH. I just want to PUNCH Carly!

I Googled the actors and Chad Duell is 10 years younger than Andrea Bogart, who plays Abby. I really thought Abby was 3 - 5 years older than Michael. 10 years is a bit difficult to swallow. I like Michael and Abby as a couple, but from that angle, I get where Carly is coming from.

The characters of Abby and Michael are only supposed to about 5 years apart, tops. The age gap between the actors is pretty big, but they're not the ones dating :)

I heart every single one of your posts! Very best thing about this show!

I don't think we know yet what the age difference is between Michael and Abby. Carly said something about how she's 10 years older than Michael but that could just be Carly's guess. If you just go by the age the actress looks, I think a 10-year gap looks about right, but until we hear Abby say her actual age onscreen, we won't know for sure.

Wait, isn't Abby is college to be a paralegal? Isn't Michael "tutoring" Abby? I thought they are no more than 4 years apart. Oh, and I thought Michael was 18. Yesterday, Abby said he is 19...

My mother was 50 when she went to college...so I wouldn't use her status in college as a way to gauge her age. She definitely looks 10 years older than him...if not more.

Mallory, this is just so awesome. Thank you, thank you!

Love it!

Also, thank you for mentioning Sam giving some revisionist history. That chick was lying though her teeth. Michael didn't come to her for help, she inserted herself. That said, I don't blame her for covering her ass, although it would've been entertaining if it led to Carly vs. Sam, 2011, Round 3!

Is it me, or does Sonny appear to be waxing sentimental about his good ol' strip club days?

Maybe to keep Michael safe from a possible parole violation at Vons (which cracks me up since that's a Southern California grocery store - I don't think I've seen any girls on poles in produce, but I digress), and to protect his new-found-friend, Abby, from a possible slimy encounter with a patron, perhaps he'll reopen his club, especially since the building is apparently still there. Then he can protect Michael AND Abby, and won't that be a swell birthday or Christmas gift for his son? He and Brenda can even renovate the apartment over the club and live there again once they're married!

Carly would swirl through PC like the Tasmanian Devil and completely level that town. Heh.

Hmm...now that I think about it, I guess it was Luke's Club Brenda and Sonny lived over, but didn't Sonny live above his strip club, too?

I loved the Carly/Abby scene.... great soap opera stuff... loved it. Carly was self righteous and snarly and Abby was "I am so going to sleep with Michael now".... best part of the show.

I don't blame Carly for being upset about the stripper part, so why doesn't she offer Abby a job at Metro Court. Carly can keep an eye on her.

Lisa and Terrell-- What??? can someone explain to me WHY? anyone would do this What is the payoff for Terrell? don't get don't like

I think we need to add a new Serial Drama Award - Most Boring GH Character EVER. Token...uh...TERRELL has got to be in the top five, right? Problem is, Guza is so EXCEPTIONALLY - I mean Gold-Fucking-Medal winning - GOOD at creating and casting boring-ass characters that just when you thought you had a winner, he'll find a way to top it.

RebecBORE (she was really bad)
Carly played by Jennifer Bransford (EEGADS!)

Well, you get the gist.

He's also quite adept at making once interesting characters boring. It's a gift, really.

Let's not forget Courtney, Reese, or Borianna/Mariyawna.

But, yes.......I assumed Abby was maybe 21 or 22.

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