So Much Dumbassedness

Abby's gold is made of purer gold than all the other gold in the world, and certainly purer gold than can be found in the heart of any other stripper/not-a-hooker; the show has made that abundantly clear. And today it drove home the point that her brain is made of nothing.

 
Michael: How was the interview?
Abby: Ugh, the job would be perfect for me! They need a legal secretary, but they love the idea that I'm studying to be a paralegal. They even suggested paying for some of my tuition.
Michael: Yeah? That's great!
Abby: It was, until they asked me about the gap in my resume. And then I told them that I worked as a stripper. They couldn't get me out of there fast enough. 

I'm trying to think of excuses Abby could have made for her resume gap and my hand is cramping from trying to type all of them, but there are a few: couldn't find a job because of the bad economy; I traveled the world trying to find myself and also worked with lepers; I took a year off from work to follow Jason Morgan around Port Charles with a blissful, worshiping gaze on my face. If she had used that last one, she would have gotten hired on the spot!

Considering how much actual, you know, story the show leaves on the cutting room floor, I can't help but think this conversation was included for a specific reason, and I am thinking it's to tell the audience, "See, it's okay that this grown woman wants to date a damaged teenager, because she's not your typical grown woman. She is fucking stupid".

She has competition, though.

Lisa: Tell one more lie about me, Maxie. Go ahead, I'll make sure you'll regret it.
Maxie: I'm not afraid of you.
Lisa: Maybe you should be.
Maxie: Why? You're going to blow me up in some beaker or try to shoot me up with something like you did to Robin?
Lisa: I never tried to hurt Robin.
Maxie: She's crazy and she's lying.
Johnny: Take it easy.
Lisa: You know what? You're embarrassing yourself, Maxie. So maybe you should go sit down.
Maxie: So? You're a pathetic bitch.

I know it's totally a soap thing to do something horrible (or lots of horrible somethings) and then act aghast and victimized when people accuse you of doing that exact horrible something, but is she kidding? What is Maxie lying about? Delusional cow.

Hopefully, Lisa's completely ill-advised decision to poke Maxie's crazy (it's a good kind of crazy! And she's being protective of her cousin, but she's crazy all the same. Look at how her crazy mind works--she spends three minutes with Johnny and she all of a sudden psychically guesses Lisa's plan?) is going to signal some movement in this story. Movement that will see Lisa being ushered out of town, preferably.

But these moments of unmitigated dumb didn't put a damper on the rest of the show. When the episode ended with Sam seeing The Balkan in her rear-view mirror? I almost started a slow clap at how ridiculous and ripped out of a horror movie it was.

 
The man knows how to make an entrance. And he also has a cave lair and a manservant. I think I have officially started to unironically love The Balkan.

And! I never expected to be typing these words in this order, especially considering that I was burnt out on this particular story back in January, but: Sonny and Brenda's wedding has seriously charmed me. I know! What has happened to me?! An elaborate wedding that, yes, has been dragged out and saw my preferred Brenda paramour sitting like a sad panda all by his lonesome and was nearly ruined by Carly, who faced absolutely zero repercussions for being a mean-spirited harridan (I say that with love) and should have at the very least been on the receiving end of one of Lulu's punches (she punched Dante in the face. It was awesome), but I found myself almost totally entertained by all of it; entertained enough to give it a post of its own at the end of the week.

So I'm actually GRATEFUL for the aforementioned stupidity, because it reminds me of what show I'm watching. "Oh, right, this is GH with its ridiculous, lazy writing. All is right with the world after all".

Comments

[JS]

Ooh, I can't wait for your full post because although last week and the last two days were pretty good, today was a big ball of WTF. I wanted someone to stab Carly. And Luke, for that matter.

[Alex]

Honestly they should have introduced the Balkan's cave lair from the beginning: I would have liked him that much more.

It's definitely the most interesting development we got out of the week long wedding so far.

[Mike]

I actually tuned in for two days and was doing okay - yes, the whole Jason and Sam running around with guns made me roll my eyes and Sam once again getting caught by the bad guys was expected and laughable (does she do anything else? surely Jason sees that she is a total liability to him in his line of work). But it was okay.

I was a little disappointed that the whole big reveal turned out to be not much of a big reveal after all. There was lots of potential story there with Sonny and Brenda and Dante so to find out that at the end of the day, there really was no conflict whatsoever, was like finding out your winning ticket was no winning ticket at all. Sure, they went against expectations, but in this case, the expectations would have actually had more long term worth than going against type.

But where I lost it - and literally shouted at the screen - was when Brenda was standing in front of Sonny saying she doesn't deserve him. SHE doesn't deserve HIM? It was so pathetic and weak and SO Guza. Of course the woman doesn't deserve the killer criminal mobster who has slept with and impregnated most of the women in town, been indirectly or directly involved with tons of violence in PC, and SHOT HIS OWN SON because he was a cop. What woman could live up to those high standards? What woman would be worthy of a gem like Sonny? It was just maddening.

[Lucy]

It's all completely absurd. Who's the Balkan's wedding spy? Franco?

Sam's not smart enough to open her car doors remotely? You would think it would be regulation for all mobsters and mobettes.Press the button and the car lights up. Comes in really handy -lets you know when giant, shiny-bald-headed men are sitting upright in your car.

And I know so many people love Abby, but her monotone breathless delivery drives me nuts. And please, I'm begging someone--make Lisa go away. She has not one redeeming quality, even as a villain.

[M]

Lulu punching Dante in the face was what I wanted her to do to that drug slipping hooker BL. That would've been so beautiful. Can this brenda mess be over now please!

[CB]

Did Brenda used to cackle this much? I was a die-hard Brenda fan in the nineties, but back then I was in middle school and it is quite possible that in my blind obsession with wanting to be her that I was unaware/ignored her more irritating tics.

But she today shrieked when they were pronounced husband and wife. She's just so...immature. Her wedding dress had a gigantic pink bow for pete's sake! And I cringed every time she called Sonny "baby" today and then went around declaring to everyone how her and Sonny were going to be "together furreverrr, right baby?" Gag.

Why can't Brenda be an adult? I don't know who to blame, the writers or Vanessa Marcil?

[Jackie]

Okay, the only redeeming thing in the entire recption so far was the adorable "montage" of everyone dancing. Seriously we had:

1. A beautiful song, which is not shocking because if anything GH has a pretty good track record with having decent songs for montages. *sigh* Mental flashback to Night Shift Season 2 and all it's glorious additions to my iPod.

2. Carly (in true mom mode) pretty much telling her youngest son to go dance with his cousin when poor Molly hinted at the clueless little Morgan (so much like his bio father every day). And as a cousin of many I have seen it happen exactly like that at family weddings. Embarassing but cute at the same time. At least to the adults.

3. SCRUBS! So freaking-fantastic w/ Robin being half the height of Patrick, even in heels. The looks on their faces were so sweet. It was obvious they were exactly where they wanted to be.

4. Carly dancing w/ Edward!!! Okay, while it makes me no sense given their history I, for one, had the BIGGEST smile on my face during that whole exchange. I mean, come on...it was totally Laura Wright being all "You've had me screeching like a harpy for months (awesomely at times, I concede) so please let me dance with John Ingle at this wedding. I just want to hug him, he that's adorable."

[Tabby]

I nearly fell over when Brenda announced that she wasn't good enough for Sonny. A big WTF moment, that was.

This rendition of Brenda, is not the Brenda I remember in the 90's. I don't know what happened. Maybe later on we'll discover that the real Brenda was kidnapped and being held on some island by Franco, and this Brenda imposter is his sister or something. The cackling witch and all.

[callie]

i thought it was the most boring wedding i had ever seen on a soap. the secret was lame, the reactions to the secret was even lamer. sonny forgiving brenda was 'what the hell" forgive her for what? oh, and couldnt they hire a few dayplayers to make it seem like the room was actually filled. but have to love that the majority of the guest could have cared less if brenda and sonny got married or not.

[elissa]

I especially loved that a totally unapologetic Carly totally stayed at the wedding and was all, ' ... what?' Amazing.

Also I figured the Abby convo was set up for, like, why she needs to work for Sonny or some b.s.? We shall see ... her therapist-voice drives me bananas, though.

[Dawn]

It doesn't surprise me one bit that Carly danced with Edward. Edward actually kind of likes Carly. I clearly remember him telling AJ not to say anything bad about her when they thought she drove her car off the cliff some years ago. He said something along the lines of while he didn't care for anything she has done, he did respect her for fighting for what she believed in while AJ was pretty useless and did nothing to help his cause with the Michael/Sonny custody issue. It went something like. Anyway knowing that and hearing they danced together was not a shock to me at all.

[Vicki]

If you happen to find a screencap of Lulu smacking Dante, please post! That was THE BEST.

[Ziyal]

I'm so excited that we will get another post about the wedding because I don't watch the show, but your recaps are so endearing and entertaining, esp so when they feature screencaps <3 <3 LuLu punching Dante...yeah! Keep up the fab bitching!

[LB]

I loved Kristina telling Ethan they would get married some day. It was really adorable.

[Sam Wades]

This may be a silly question, but I recently met an interesting girl who works at a strip club and I think she's not only attractive, but funny and intelligent....do you think it's possible to actually date a stripper, or is this a horrible idea?

[Monica]

Did anyone else think it was a very sparsely attended wedding reception? And of those who did attend, most left early. After all of the upset over the flooding of the venue, they actually could have had the whole thing in Sonny's fake restaurant or his living room or, heck, even at Dante's itty-bitty studio apartment.

[JC]

Another excuse Abby could of used was that she was going to school.