Sponsored By Nonsense

Most Port Charles residents are completely incapable of stringing together a coherent thought under the best of circumstances, which might have something to do with the fact that they are written by a writing staff who is, well, completely incapable of telling a story with a beginning, middle, and end (let alone a small fraction of intentional entertainment!). Lately, though? The stupidity defies explanation.

Actually, that's not exactly true. There is a perfectly sensible explanation for this cacophony of dimness: the writers have no idea what the eff they are doing and are content to just tread water for as long as it takes for them to get out of their writer's block, and by "get out of their writer's block", I mean "think of a new and even more CRAZY AWESOME way for Jason to save the day".

Between Abby's plan to plead guilty to a murder no jury in the world would convict her for (unless they, like me, got so annoyed at her valiumed manner of speaking that they sent her to prison out of spite), Lisa's ever-baffling choice to drug Kristina in order to bug Patrick and Robin's house and her random decision to cause a gas leak (thanks, Spyder Finder!) and Michael's...existence, sense is fighting a losing battle. Let me break it down for you: Carly (!!!) (!!!!) is the only person with any logic. CARLY. WHAT? I KNOW, I'M SCARED, TOO.

But her palpable frustration with the failure that is Michael has been on-point and also hilarious.

Shawn: Are you sure you're giving your son enough credit?
Carly:

"How can I phrase this nicely? I...am giving him about ten times more credit than he actually deserves."

"I don't follow."

"He's the most frustrating thing to ever happen to me and that includes chronic pain from the time Sonny shot me in the head."

"Sonny...?"

"Yeah, it's fine, we were married at the time and it was an accident and I married him, like, five more times after that, it's a long story..."

 

 

Jason: The harder you push Michael--
Carly: What the hell are you saying? We just let Michael call the shots here? You think Michael can handle Anthony Zacchara?

 

"Here's a list of things Michael can handle, Jason."

"..."

"Am I right or am I right?"

"..."

"Did you hear that long pause?"

"Yeah."

"And you didn't think it was weird?"

"Well, I spend a lot of time talking to Sonny, so...no."

"Sonny's pauses are just stupid, Jason, that was a MEANINGFUL PAUSE. Okay? It was silence, Jason. Because the kid can't handle shit. HENCE THE MEANINGFUL SILENCE."

A few other things happened in Port Charles, few of which made any sense or entertained me in any real way.

• How cute are Matt and Maxie? And how little do the writers care about them?
• Seriously, what is the point of Lisa drugging Kristina? I am going to keep asking that question until I get a suitable answer and no, Guza, "because she can" is not a suitable answer.
• Anthony: You have this very nurturing, albeit war-like, aura about you.
  
  Dear Anthony Zacchara,
  Thank you for being a friend.
  XOXO,
  Mallory
• The fact that Aiden's paternity is still being kept from Lucky and, seemingly, will remain a secret for the foreseeable future is so ridiculous that I can't even express it. I hate it and I feel that, by the time the word is out--which, I'm sure, will come after every single person in town will have sashayed into Elizabeth's house and caught a glimpse of the paternity test results, because it was so endlessly entertaining the other time Lucky was the last person to hear something that had a profound impact on his life. Can't you just imagine the writers talking? "OMG, it will be like what we did with Jake, but OPPOSITE! High five!"--I will hate everyone involved.
• Speaking of that poor, ignorant boy, his facial expression after Elizabeth confessed that she had known about the wedding was just amazing.

Elizabeth: I went to the justice of the peace and actually stood outside and listened to your vows.
Lucky:

 
 

It was like a master class in conveying discomfort.

Comments

[eygirl33]

Wonderful article and most definitely on point.

[LadyBug]

Please, let this be the END of LnL2.

The whole Aiden paternity has been a big snooze from day one since we just saw the same crap with Liz four years ago!

Michael should have stayed in his coma.

I guess Jason will spend his life cleaning up after Michael and Carly which explains why some fans are calling him a deadbeat Dad since he hasn't made any type of effort in three years to parent his son.

[ewicakeff]

Look at those pictures of Lucy and tell me you would want that guy as the father of your child. Tell him its AZ at least he is funny.

Carly gaining a clue about Michael- about effing time they all are dumb as a box of rocks where that by is concerned. jm + michael =box of rocks

[Joanne]

I heart this post. Another homerun, Mallory! **tips fancy cap**

[Jen K]

I'm convinced that TIIC hate Becky so much that they gave her what ever sickness she has in order to replace her and let that actress be involved when this whole thing comes out. They are THAT evil.

[Kim]

If you wrote for this show, I'd start watching it again.

[Kate L.]

Mallory for head writer!

[Rene']

I know Constance Towers is coming back in June. She told me that ABC won't even let her give me a quote until after June 15th, so I'm guessing she's coming back for the Nikolas departure/Aiden reveal. Anything that gets her back on the canvas is a "win win."

Until then, Liz apparently is going to let that paperwork lie around like an old newspaper for anyone to stumble upon.

The Lisa thing is ridiculous in the extreme. So now she's buying sex toys and booking hotel rooms on his credit card? Um...does she know those are dated?? So Patrick is going to go batshit nuts and charge all this stuff in one day? Also, expiration dates and CVV codes are NOT on a statement, so how did she complete the transaction? And why go through all this if she's just going to gas Robin?

And for the big "WTF" of it all, there is NO WAY Kristina is taking all that Hydrocodone and functioning as much as she is. I had to take it for pain from a kidney stone while I was waiting for it to pass, and you could have cast me as a zombie in The Walking Dead, except for the fact that there wasn't a whole helluva lot of walking while I was on it. And Kristina is popping those things two or three at once?

Sigh...........

[Fleur]

I really can't deal with general hospital right now. It makes me by turns bored and depressed. Can anyone name one 'happy' storyline on this show right now? Jake dies: Lucky's sad, Elizabeth's sad, and Jason's sad because, obviously. Sam's sad because Jason's sad. Jax and Carly are getting a divorce (meh) but also: sad. Mostly because of Joslyn and I suppose the other kid, Morgan, who might as well be in boarding school for all the attention he gets. Sonny and Brenda: on the verge of a break because of a kidnapping plot. This time, with Lucien (because no children are ever mysteriously taken on this show). Lisa stalks robin and patrick. Because that storyline didn't hit a pique with the Stone cameo. Clearly the only place the inventive writers could go after that was up. Kristina's on drugs (??) and is obsessed with an older married man who doesn't like her 'that way'. Awkward! Lucky's involved in a slapdash wedding weeks after the death of his son (because that timing makes so much sense). Luke won't go to rehab. Michael's acting like an idiot and his girlfriend's accused of murder.

Nothing funny, clever, romantic (was a fun romance too much to ask for?), or wacky in the soapy sense of the word where someone's half brother/lookalike the evil count Rothborg plots to stop time or block out the sun while attempting to seduce half the women in town. Seriously, who greenlights this stuff? Half the fun of soaps are the screwball improbability aspect of the plots, and the other half of the fun is escapism/wish fulfillment of it. It's like Guza noticed the real world is dark and depressing, and said let's make the show even darker and more depressing! That will really get people watching. I still like GH (whhhhy?), I do, but it needs to lighten up a bit. I can't take it right now.

[guza fired]

tv by numbers news guza fired gh has new head writer