Sucks So Good: True Blood 4.3, "If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?"

Even with the threat of Monday and its Monday-ness hanging over my head, I was impatiently waiting for 9 PM to roll around on Sunday, because the first two episodes of True Blood have been so good this season that not even their proximity to Monday could possibly ruin them. Will 4.3 continue this streak?

After the jump, "If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?"!

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

The episode began right where we left off, with the surprisingly endearing (and topless!) befuddled Eric. Sookie is frustrated at what she assumes is a nefarious plot and is irritated at his assessment that she smells like "Wheat and honey and sunlight" but eventually begins to realize that something's not quite right.

(Not right in all the right ways, because it brought this into my life:

Eric: I know I'm a vampire, Snooki!

HIGH-larious. Who knew that under the smolder and ferocity was some great comic timing? Oh, Skarsgard, what can't you do?)

When he confesses that he can't remember who he is, she tries to jog his memory with a little more patience, wondering what he does remember (the sea, and his childhood, and then he starts to lapse into his native tongue, and I giggled like a schoolgirl just typing about ASkars and tongue). He recaps the events of sheer what-the-fuckery that went on at the coven meeting: chanting circles, dead eyes, people who were people but weren't actually people and ends on the pitiful note that everything he has was taken from him.

Who wouldn't feel sorry for him after that and just want to shower him with millions of hugs?! Sookie relents and offers to let him stay with her, only if he doesn't touch or bite her. And as far as house guests go, Eric is probably the cutest ever.

His expression when she scolds him for stepping on the rug with dirty feet? ADORABLE.

 
Eric having a foot bath? ADORABLE.

 
The sweet way he asked if she'd like to be his? ADORABLE.

 
So, so cute.

Sookie calls Pam, who zooms over in an instant, startling Eric.

Eric: Who the fuck is she?
Pam: FUCK!
Eric: I'm sorry. That was rude. I'm sorry.

Pam lets Sookie know that this is the fault of the witches (Sookie is irked to hear that there is yet another strain of the supernatural lurking around the edges of her life) and she reacts...poorly when Sookie suggests bringing this issue to Bill. Like, the kind of poorly that includes threatening to rip Sook to pieces. Eric, in an attempt at, I guess, chivalry, knocked her clear across the house for being impertinent and Pam steels herself in order to politely tell Sookie that she's pretty damn sure that Bill set Eric up and wanted the witches to have their way with him. That would have been a delicious twist, but he seems confused and irritated by Eric's absence, so who knows?

Oh, Eric also killed Claudine, the world's worst fairy godmother (although she did at least let Sookie know that she helped her fight off the Rattrays in the pilot, so I guess she's not completely useless).

I Smell Spinoff!

While Jesus attends to Marnie's wounds and the rest of the dimwitted coven suggest patently ridiculous things like "calling the police on Eric" (because the Bon Temps police department has really demonstrated a long history of being competent, am I right?), Lafayette and Tara gave us some hilarity.

Tara: Thanks for bringing me tonight. It's been a while since I've been attacked by a vampire. And guess what? It still sucks. And it freaks my shit out.
Lafayette: Would you come down off that cross for two seconds? You don't think it freaked my shit out?!

Later, the squabbling cousins joined Jesus for drinks and the entertainment continued.

Tara: Promise me you won't let him go to Fangtasia?
Jesus: Of course not.
Tara: Because sometimes he gets a bug up his bonnet.
Jesus: Don't worry, I can convince him not to do that in a way that makes him think it was his idea.
Lafayette, off screen: I heard that!

This was a really good episode for Tara overall, who got to be smart, funny and ass-kicking in a way she hasn't been in ages/possibly ever. She even held Pam at gunpoint when Pam (in a very stylish torturer outfit) had Lafayette in the Fangtasia basement. It was pretty fierce.

 
 
When Pam's not the fiercest person the room (and, you know, when her maker is in danger and all), she responds with some crankiness.

Pam: I will give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me. If you dont I will personally eat, fuck, and kill all three of you.

It was eloquent crankiness, at least.

Father Knows Best? Well, Father Knows, At Any Rate

King Bill has been totally busy, doing King things* like ordering the true death of an offending vampire and is happy to be interrupted by an impromptu visit from Jessica! She came to ask him for romantic advice (and Advil) and, preparing to confess about her Vamps Gone Wild antics at Fangtasia, asks him not to judge her. He tells her that he won't and, upon hearing the news, almost immediately makes a Liz Lemon judgmental badger face.

 
In a shocking turn of events, the lying liar who lies suggests that she be honest and talk to Hoyt!

*and Portia Bellefleur.

Guys and (Evil) Dolls

Remember when Maxine* and Summer were plotting to get rid of Jessica so that Hoyt and Summer could live happily ever after, and the third season ended with a horrifying glimpse of a scary doll in Hoyt's place and we were all sort of relieved that the first two episodes didn't mention or show us the doll, because it's creepy? Well, I knew we were in for some disturbing stuff when the doll made a cameo in the "Previously on..." segment, but I wasn't prepared for just how upsetting it would be. Can you imagine?! Hoyt brought it to the dump, and Jess threw it in the lake, and that horrible thing keeps finding its way right back to their house! Awful!

 
Also awful was the sadness of watching Jessica do the right thing and confess to Hoyt. He was, of course, angry, but not for long...because Jessica glamored him and he moonily told her that he's the luckiest man in the world while she looked so, so guilty. Anyone who wants to lead a double life needs a way better poker face.

 
But what she lacks in ability to hide her true feelings, she more than makes up for in ingenuity, since she came up with the perfect way to get rid of that creepy doll: lie to Terry and Arlene that it's a family heirloom and give it to baby Mikey. And he loved it. Which makes me think that maybe Arlene is right and there is something off (and by "off", I mean "evil") about him.

*Maxine purchases these dolls, of course, through QVC. Tonight, she ordered the Marie Osmond Adora Belle Frieda Fright Dol while Tommy** plotted to steal her house out from under her and make money off of the natural gas that is possibly on her property.
**Tommy is terrible***.
***I especially hate when he gets petulant with Sam, should Sam point out that he's totally fucking morally corrupt. "I hate your fucking guts, Sam Merlotte!" So childish! So childish that it makes me want to respond in kind with a particularly cutting "I'm rubber, you're glue" retort.

Happy Returns!

My friend Jill and other viewers who appreciate a well-built man have been eagerly anticipating the return of Joe Manganiello and I'm happy to report that Alcide is back, with a brief scene.

Alcide: Goddamn. You're a sight for sore eyes.

Right back at you, Manganiello!

 
Sookie went to see Alcide at his nice house in Shreveport to see if he'd possibly be willing to hide Eric there.

Sookie: I want you to take care of Eric Northman.
Alcide:Take care of him?! You want me to kill him?

He is even more disgusted and confused when he realizes that she wants him to nurture and care for Eric which, ha.

AND THEN! AN AWESOME SURPRISE!

 
Debbie Freaking Pelt! All clean and sober and wearing a smart little outfit. I find this complete mess of a human being to be completely hilarious whether she's at her trashiest and murder...murderiest (? Go with it) or trying to be a happy hostess, offering Sookie a variety of tiny foodstuffs and apologizing for her prior bad behavior.

Sookie: You tried to kill me.
Debbie: Yup.

I had been nervous that the key to her funniness was stores in her teased hair; I'm so relieved that's not the case.

Witches Be Crazy

 
Marnie had a very long scene in which she made a blood sacrifice to conjure an evil spirit or something, and I'm never going to be able to watch the Harry Potter movies again, am I? Because Fiona Shaw is bringing some serious creepy to the proceedings here.

There's a Reason Sex Panther is Illegal in Nine Countries!

Guys...what the fuck. Seriously. What the fucking fuck? This whole Hotshot story has gone from a time-sucking nuisance to something that I worry is going to have a serious impact on my mental health. "Why can't you sleep at night?" my future therapist will ask. "Because they were listening to a long and disturbing folktale while eating raw meat. They walked around for the whole episode with blood on their mouths!" "Who?" "The television hillbillies!"

Seriously, this is all kinds of upsetting to watch. When a disoriented Jason woke up to find Crystal having sex with him (thanks to Mexican Viagra that she forced on him) and babbling about how she's going to have his cubs, my stomach actually turned. Literally, I felt it turn.

Jason, still tied to the bed, was right there with me.

Jason: I wish I never laid eyes on you Crystal Norris...you ain't worth even a tenth of the trouble you caused me. You're nothing but a crazy hillbilly junkie!

I know you're a slow learner and all, Jason, but everybody's lives would have been so much better if you had had this epiphany a year ago!

But it's mean to kick a man when he's down. And it's especially mean to kick a man while he's tied to a bed and being forced to impregnante all of the women in Hotshot. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO JASON. YES. IT IS. NO, I DON'T KNOW WHY. HOLD ME.

Seriously, while Crystal is babbling about how after this kidnapping and forced sex, she and Jason will be able to be together forever (I want her dead. I have never liked her, but distaste has turned to hate that has turned to revulsion and I just want...I just want her to die in a spectacularly bloody way that would completely obliterate any chance of resurrection) (I'm a soap fan; that's a necessary clause in that line of work) (But seriously, Alan Ball. DEAD), the camera panned back to all of the young women in Hotshot (the hill-Billie's?) waiting their turn to have sex with Jason. WHAT? AND ALSO, WHY? AND SOME OF THEM ARE LIKE FOURTEEN. AND THEIR MOUTHS WERE BLOODY. ACK AND EW, IN EQUAL MEASURE. SORRY FOR THE CAPS, I'M JUST REALLY UPSET.

 
How is this okay? How is it entertaining? How can this story go on without including a fantastical death for all werepanthers involved? I'm nauseated.

And on that disturbing note, we're off! Until next week, True Blood fans!

Comments

[LaTanya]

The innocent (I use that loosely) Eric is so sweet that you want to hug him and wrap him up in a blanket and read him bedtime stories. I love Pam's E.F.K line so much I want a t-shirt made with it printed in bold red letters that glow in the dark. Is it just me or does the scary doll look like the dirty version of the big baby doll from Toy Story? Either way looks like little Mikey has found a best friend to be creepy with....awwww! I'm sorry but if I was Sookie I wouldn't trust Debbie or her vieanna sausages as far as I could throw her....remember Snooki "you killed her Cooter!" {SIGH} Now onto Hillbillie hell. Jason is tied to a bed being rode like a used Honda in hopes of becoming the new "Ghost Daddy" of the clan....yeah I'm just gonna leave it at that. TRUE BLOOD IS AWESOME!!!

[Pookii Bear]

Don't forget the Charlaine Harris book that Snooki- I mean Sookie was reading <3

[Bourgeois Nerd]

I say nuke Hotshot from orbit; it's the only way to be sure!

I can't wait to see if they go with the soapy cliche one of the storylines has in the books. You'll love it, Mallory! We already have amnesia!

OMG, Devil Doll! Eeeeek!

[Muffilator]

You think the Jason scenes were upsetting? I watched the first hour of the Jaycee Duggard interview and then True Blood. So much creepy! It was panic-attack inducing.

[Ashley]

Eric was amazing. Hubby was telling me to wipe the drool... oops.

Not totally thrilled that Debbie is back. I'm not a fan.

And the Hotshot business is so much MORE twisted than I thought it would get!

I've read all the books and loved them, but I also love that the show is changing direction enough that I don't know what's coming next all the time.

[mouse]

In that last scene with the other panther chicks waiting their turn, I got the distinct impression that the really young one (who'd been in the camp fire scene earlier) was kind of disturbed by Jason's distress. My money is on her helping him escape instead of being in the room for impregnation duties.

[Rene']

Muffilator, I did a double whammy icko myself.

I watched "To Catch A Predator: The Raw Footage" and THEN True Blood. Creepy old men trying to hook up with young girls (and sometimes boys). One even brought his 5 YEAR OLD WITH HIM.

Jason getting gang-banged by the cast of HeeHaw is bad, but that Predator show was total .

[Rene']

Puppy dog Eric, however, was the palate cleanser for all of it. When Eric asked if Sookie belonged to any vampires and whether or not she wanted to belong to him, I heard myself say "YES" under my breath (at least I think it was under my breath - hubby may tell me different later).

Bill was actually a bit more palatable last night than he has been, probably because of his Fang Daddy talk with Jessica, which I found oddly charming.

I think the only reason Alcide is with Debbie is because he thought Sookie was dead. Isn't the fact that she was offering vienna sausages and pickled squash enough to send her packing?? Next it will be Spam pate'!

I am seriously loving Tara this season. I was ready for her to stay wherever it was she went with her whiny self, but she is really bringing it in every way this time. The fact that she had a gun with wooden bullets at the ready was AWESOME.

Although, if she had shot Pam, I would have been all kinds of upset. Pam must NEVER be killed. I mean, her drinking from the guy at her desk, and the way she answered the PHONE?

"Good evening, Fantasia, Northern Louisiana's most fangtastic club, what do you want."

[Bianca]

Awesome episode...loved the Sam and Tara (bittersweet) reunion.