Serial Drama

And There Are Silver Linings Yet

I maintain that a whodunit murder mystery taking out Victor was not the best way to let this Todd Returns story unfold. Even if Trevor St. John's departure was necessary, they could have removed him from the scene in some other manner (taking off to find himself? dying in a non-whodunit situation?) so that we could still get to the human drama of Todd reconnecting with his old life, as well as the various family members coping with the truth about Victor. I just want that out there. That said, here's what we have now and here's what we have to deal with. And today's episode was pretty damn good from my spot on the couch. Let's review some highlights:

Todd in the rain.

I mean, you know, whatever, no biggie.

Hot.

I can't really explain why it's hot, but it's hot. Leave me alone. 

And I don't think I've ever said this before, but I really liked Starr's hair today.

It just looked like a real person's hair. A real person's pretty hair. Someone who wasn't styled within the hour. I still want to wash off some of her eye makeup and pluck the inner parts of her eyebrows, but she really was at her loveliest today.

Now, yesterday I tried to give some good girlfriend advice to Nora about how she deals with Destiny from now on, and encouraged her to get a grip and to back off. Uh, she did not take my advice. Not even a little bit. In fact, she drew up a draft of legal papers for the Evanses to look over and sign to make sure the Buchanans have some sort of rights to Destiny's child. (Destiny's Child, heh heh. I'm 12.) These were great scenes because they seriously made me cringe. Nora was so way out of line that the line had been shot, bled out, body-bagged and disappeared long ago.

And the level of "OH SWEET JESUS THIS IS AWKWARD" on the faces of Bo and Dani and Richard (Frankie Faison is back!) made me about as uncomfortable as the first time I watched that torturous episode of The Office when Michael and Jan had everyone over for their Dinner Party of Ultimate Discomfort (I don't really know why I linked to that, everyone who'd be interested knows what I'm talking about and it's not like NBC is giving us kick-backs) (note to self: get NBC to give us kick-backs for linking). 

I wonder if it's occurred yet to Nora that if and when Matthew wakes up and finds out he's now a teenage father and is, in fact, legally bound to be, his first thought might not be to thank his mother? (Also, come on, Matthew! Wake up! Time to get up!)

Well, that's pretty much all that happened today on the show.

A Letter to Nora Hanen Gannon Buchanan

Dear D.A. Buchanan,

An attorney you've opposed more than a few times, Tea Delgado, Esq., recently said that "friends don't give friends constant unsolicited advice." Well, first of all, someone needs to inform like half the friends in the world of this rule because I'm not sure it's been widely distributed. Second of all, I am therefore going to break the rule and offer you some friendly, unsolicited advice.

Get a grip.

You've been through absolute hell lately. You were abducted, tied up, tortured, and almost raped. You were in a car accident. You thought your beloved husband had cheated on you. You learned your ex-husband and current brother-in-law was responsible for your abduction. You learned that your teenage son killed a man in cold blood. You sold out all your values to protect him. He then suffered a head injury and was nearly declared brain-dead, and you had a team of lunatics demanding you pull the plug on your son. Then after a brief moment of hope and consciousness, your son fell back into a coma and hasn't had a change in months. Then you found out your son's teenage best friend is pregnant by your comatose son. Rough year, dude. I wouldn't deign to claim otherwise, Mrs. DA. I wouldn't. It's almost like you're a friggin' soap opera character you've had so much drama!

But Mrs. Hanen Gannon Buchanan? You crossed a line when you yelled at Destiny when she had planned to terminate her pregnancy. You should not have begged her to have the baby and let you raise it. But as an immediate response? You're a desperate, heartbroken woman and I can forgive your lapse in judgment even if Destiny's mother did not. However, some time has passed. I can't really tell you how much time because you seem to live inside some vortex in the space-time continuum in which some people are experiencing a full week while others are experiencing one evening, so I won't try to contextualize this with any time-based specificity. The point is, some undisclosed amount of time having passed, you need to get your head on straight. Destiny has decided to have the baby and it's time to go on with your life and let her come to you if she wants to include you in this process. Otherwise, now's the time to back off. Big-time.

The Post-Irene Blues

I have to tell you guys something. I'm feelin' blue. I really am. One Life to Live, which has had me on such a high recently, really brought me down today. I'm trying to sort out why. I think a lot of it has to do with the pacing. There's so much to be mined from this Todd/Victor story, and I don't mean "for years to come!" even though that's certainly true, but I really only mean this very plot. Victor trying to learn who he is, Todd trying to reclaim his family. Even just the very basics could fill months of gripping character-driven drama. And I'm not unsympathetic to the fact that the show is just plain broke and working under the crap conditions of a cancellation, and I'm not unsympathetic to the fact that contract arrangements couldn't be worked out to make both Trevor St. John and the producers happy and that the resources just weren't there to go back and re-work something that reportedly had already been re-worked twenty times when St. John offered to stick around. I'm not. It's business, it sucks. But I just... thought we had more time. 

I try to avoid spoilers like the plague because they ruin the experience for me, but I don't need spoilers to see that today's episode was clearly setting up a "Who Killed Victor?" plot. And I don't want it. I don't want this character-driven storyline (I realize the Irene tour-de-exposition is not character-driven and is absurd, but it's the fill-in to get to the present day and is hardly the point) to turn into a paint-by-numbers plot-point-driven whodunit. When will we have the time to relax into this? Todd hasn't even had a real discussion with anyone yet! What about Sam in this? Dani and Todd haven't even been face-to-face since the reveal. Shouldn't Victor and Blair have a real conversation? Victor and Viki? My head is spinning! This is too fast. We're missing all the good stuff. Do we really have to wait till some attempted-murder or actual-murder mystery is solved before we can get to the good stuff? How long will it take?

I'm probably overreacting. But I worry, I do! And look, the silly "it could be Todd! it could be Rex! it could be Brody! OH EM GEE THERE'S A THUNDERSTORM!" is perfectly fun classic soap stuff, but not yet! That's the kind of stuff to toss in to distract us when there's not already miles worth of terrific, quieter, engrossing drama right at our fingertips. It's just not the time.

This is not to say that today's scenes between Irene and Victor weren't a lot of fun. They were.

I mean she really is one hell of a demon mother. But Irene is a temp, you know? This is not who I want to be seeing Victor in scenes with before St. John's departure from the show.

Sucks So Good Open Post! True Blood 4.10, "Burning Down The House"

Over the past few years, Sundays have become one of my favorite nights of television and, as such, my mind immediately and selfishly went to Bon Temps when I heard that Hurricane Irene would be walloping my neck of the woods on Sunday.

My first thought was, naturally, "But ASkars is filming in New York City! I hope he is all right! Did they evacuate him?" and my second thought was "If I lose power and I can't watch True Blood, I...DEJECTED!" I mean, I will be dejected for other reasons if I am without power for an extended length of time, since it is horrible and boring and there is, you know, a chance of serious hurricane damage, but the past few episodes of this season have been so exciting and I don't want to have to wait to watch!

But in case I do have to wait, here is an open post for you to discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly of "Burning Down The House" and to fill me in on what to expect: was there a lot of nudity? Is Antonia becoming even more horrifying and, if so, how is that even possible?! Was the point of the show's detour into Hotshot explained, preferably with no members of the Hotshot clan appearing onscreen and with a statement from Jason saying something like "We'll never see them again, ever"? Did Tommy manage to be sympathetic for an entire episode?

SOAPNet Caught in "Doing Something Awesome" Shocker!

My lack of All My Children posting despite a number of amazing (ZACH! ZACH IS BACK! ZACH ATTACK!) and not so amazing (...uh, that was seriously Gillian's return? I cannot call foul loudly and shrilly enough!) is not for a lack of trying!

As I confessed on Facebook recently, I am having such a hard time writing about it without, well, crying or getting lost in waves of nostalgia Do you know how many times I've been writing something about Angie and Jesse and then find myself losing huge chunks of time watching classic YouTube clips?! Its a sickness. But a post is coming, I promise!

First, though, shocking news! SOAPNet is doing something nostalgic, something that soap fans actually want. I KNOW! I was confused when I heard the news, too. "SOAPNet is doing some classic All My Children marathons? Are you sure you don't mean adding eight MORE hours of One Tree Hill to their lineup?"

But it's true, so you better set your DVR's, folks, for the "I Love Lucci" and "Last Chance [Sniff! --Ed.] For Romance" marathons.

The “I Love Lucci” marathon airs on Saturday, September 17.

7:00 PM, from 1979: Tom furiously ends his marriage to Erica when he discovers she’s secretly been taking birth control pill. Langley tries to convince Myrtle they’ve never met before.

8:00 PM, from 1996: Erica gives a shocking speech when she accepts the “Media Woman of the Year” award while high on pills. Kelsey thinks she’s going into labor after Lamaze class with Edmund. Janet panics when she learns Amanda has pneumonia.

9:00 PM, from 2000: Erica’s in denial when Bianca announces she’s gay. Ryan and Gillian spend a special Christmas together. Mateo is upset when Hayley wants to turn herself into the police for killing her mother. Tad and Dixie celebrate the holiday together despite Leslie’s efforts.

10:00 PM, from 2004: It’s a Christmas miracle when, after Erica implores her to come out of her coma, Bianca opens her eyes and Erica reunites her with baby Miranda. Plus, JR is furious with Adam for the loss of Bess and tells him he’s no longer his father.

11:00 PM, from 2005: Surrounded by their families, Erica and Jackson are married in Boca Raton.

The “All My Children: Last Chance for Romance” marathon airs Sunday, September 18.

5:00 PM, from 1980: Cliff and Nina are married in a fairy tale wedding [Cliff and Nina, OMG! PETER BERGMAN, I LOVE YOU! --Ed]. Plus, pregnant with Cliff’s baby, Sybil is not happy about his marriage to Nina. Tom and Erica fight when she has to attend a business dinner on their anniversary.

6:00 PM, from 1984: Jenny and Greg are married in front of family and friends, Palmer discovers the truth of why the Chandlers have come to Pine Valley, and Adam sets his sights on Erica.

7:00 PM, from 1993: Tad and Dixie are joyfully reunited when Tad finally convinces Dixie he’s alive and on the other side of the door. Hayley and Charlie find Brian and Junior on the run. Opal and Palmer are reunited with Junior.

8:00 PM, from 2001: Ryan and Gillian share a romantic wedding filled with surprises. Leo and Greenlee have a last minute change in plans when he remembers he has the wedding rings. On the witness stand, David admits his guilt about the drugs to Dixie.

9:00 PM, from 2002: Leo and Greenlee are married in an intimate wedding in the boathouse. Anna and David debate whether to tell Greenlee that her father’s been shot. Tad and Brooke try to find Maria.

10:00 PM, from 2005: Romance is in the air as Zach and Kendall prepare to divorce in the Caribbean. Plus, JR tries to warn Jamie about Amanda. Babe visits Josh at work and Erica kicks her out of her studio.

11:00 PM, from 2008: A stunned Angie and Jesse share an emotional reunion at the train station. Erica is arrested at the fashion show she’s hosting. Greenlee tells Aidan that Kendall may be pregnant.

BRB, stocking up on tissues!

Another Day In Paradise?

It was close. And yes, it was yet another day where it felt silly to post because it was going to come off something like: "Sniffle. Guh. Sniff. And then I loved this moment. Here's a quote. And then this one? I'm a little weepy." and so on and so forth. But when really lovely things happen and one has this semi-public place in which to acknowledge these lovely things, it seems as though one would be remiss not to at least say something. So: something.

Fair warning: I think my funny bone's tapped temporarily. This shit's getting to me, like, for realsies.

It was history day on One Life to Live. Was it a riveting episode that I can't wait to see followed up on? No. And that's okay. It was a sweet nod to history -- major history. Renee spoke with Bo at Asa's grave, Clint and Bo remembered their father together in his home, Joey (in what may have been Tom Degnan's best episode in the role) tried to convince Viki that she may need to face that she still has feelings for Clint, and the Cramers threw Dorian a goodbye party.

I've complained before how much I hate that Dorian got a goodbye reason instead of a goodbye story, and I admit I still feel that way but I'm just going to look at this episode. The Cramer family has not been a strong suit under Ron Carlivati's head-writership; while he's clearly (to me, anyway) had an appreciation for them, he never quite... got them. So my expectations were low, but as jarring as it was to see the goodbye scenes in the middle of the Two Todds storyline (is Robin Strasser really not going to share a screen with Roger Howarth? The bastards!) and as much as I needed this to go on and on and on, it was still a very sweet send-off (that thankfully isn't yet over, because it wasn't near enough... not anywhere near). And as Starr, Kristen Alderson continued her "Shut Up, Y'all, I've Been A Great Actress All Along" World Tour she's been on lately. A good performance that also felt a lot like Alderson was saying goodbye to Strasser, a woman who's been there and watched her grow up and has likely mentored her in many ways. Personally, I am not ready to say goodbye to Dorian Lord. Not even close. And I'm stupidly having some crazy tiny faith that we'll get one last visit after this "official" departure. But we did get Addie (isn't she going to be excited to see Todd?!), and we did fit in the goodbye before Kelly's departure, and all the Cramers girls showered Dorian with love yesterday. And we damn well better get a flashback reel in the next episode. I know I should be embarrassed to admit this, but I'm having a really hard time even typing about this. This is the first real goodbye that signals the end, and I confess it's breaking my heart. (Yeah, yeah, maybe I'm a little bit crazy. I almost burst into tears when Viki and Dorian came face-to-face at the end. It's going to be a long five months, y'all.)

Is It Wrong To Wish a Coma on a Fictional Person?

Oh...my god.

Port Charles has been a hotbed of activity lately, and I have wanted to write so much about it. Siobhan's death and, with her, the death of a lot of potentially good stories (assuming that the writers ever decided to go back to the era when Siobhan was a new character full of promise, not just a harridan with the sole purpose of spouting off cruel and offensive things to and about Elizabeth. Which, considering the writing staff I'm talking about, is probably not a safe assumption to make)? I HAVE  THOUGHTS. Spinelli/Jackal PI and his vendetta against speaking the English language? Lots to say. The last appearance of JAX? I have a veritable WALL OF TEXT about that. A wall of ANGRY text. Plus, Anthony Zacchara lectured Johnny today using his FISTS as PUPPETS and it was sort of delightful.

But I am not writing about those things. Because I have lost the ability to--

I am overcome by--

I am paralyzed by--

I fucking hate Michael Corinthos, you guys.

Michael: Stuff happens. I'm not going to turn against Dad just because everybody else has.
Carly: "Stuff happens"? Michael, your father messed with Jax's plane and he's gone.
Michael: He's gone! Not dead. We haven't even found a body yet. We don't know where the body is.
Carly: Is that OKAY with you?

Michael: I am not going to let you stand here and accuse Dad of something when we don't even know what happened.
Carly: You know what? You don't want them to find a body because then they won't prosecute your father.
Michael: No, how about I want both. I don't want Dad to be prosecuted and I want Jax alive.
Carly: Okay well, what if he's not? Let's play that card for one minute, Michael.
Sonny, concerned that he is, for once, not the dickiest person in the room and focused on regaining his title: (ROLLS EYES)
Carly: Think about it. What if, god forbid, Jax is dead? What if he didn't survive that plane crash.
Michael: He had it coming. Dad was going to protect you. Jax had to know that.

Did the episode end after that? Because I don't remember anything else. Although that could be due to the fact that my brain matter was seeping out of my eardrums at that point. He is the WORST.

Nope. Nope. The Good Stuff's Not Over After All. Not By A Longshot.

Hot damn, One Life to Live. There I was feeling like I'd been overstating the case and gushing far too much, and Friday's episode felt like something of a letdown and possibly a worrisome sign of things to come, but I really thought it was back on today. Really on. 

I mean Victor and Téa gave us the first good laugh. Victor apparently "knows" Téa. "There's nothing you hate more than being lied to, so I think that kinda puts the kibosh on the whole 'till death do us part' thing, doesn't it?" Huh? How many times has he told her egregious lies? She takes him back without a problem, pretty routinely. What's he even talking about?

Jesus, Florencia Lozano and Trevor St. John brought it in their scenes today. Tenderness, regret, shame, humiliation, anger, passion, devastation, alienation. All of it.

Téa: No, you're not the man I thought you were. No, I didn't marry you for five million dollars, no, you were not the man on that island with whom I conceived a child, there are a lot of things you are not. You are not the man who kicked me out of my own house, naked, in the middle of the winter! You're not the man who nearly burned me down in a cabana. Oh, a lot of the things that we thought we shared that was good, we didn't share, but a lot of the bad things -- we didn't share those either. 

Victor (laughing): Is this -- oh is this, sorry, is this your way of kinda saying, you know, "Always look on the bright side," is that what it is... 'cause it's really kinda messed up.

Téa (doing her vintage Téa laugh/cry): Our whole life is "really kinda messed up. (Indeed. --Ed.)

Victor (reaching for her but getting rebuffed): I don't need any of this, I don't need your explanations, I don't wanna make it worse. (Seriously, wow. That might have been some of the most sincere tenderness and compassion I have seen in years from this character. He really seemed to mean this. I can't look away!  --Ed.) 

Victor (it's going to take a while to get used to typing that!) then went on to tell her that he loves her and that he's not who she thought he was or who he thought he was but he does know he loves her. And I believed him. And that if she doesn't love him, he needs to hear it right now. And he didn't say this in a hateful, dictatorial kind of way. He said it in total vulnerability. I'm serious. This happened. Eventually Téa told him that she does love him, and he smiled. He kept smiling. He smiled and it looked real and I felt happy for him. Y'all. You know those promos that GH always does that have become a nationwide GH-viewer joke about some stupid thing that's going to "Change! Port! Charles! Forever!" and nothing changes anything the slightest bit? Um, this Changed! Llanview! Forever! Seriously. At least for me. So far. It's a paradigm shift and I'm a bit lost and turned around and I love it.

Sucks So Good: True Blood 4.9, "Let's Get Out Of Here"

GUYS!

WHAT?!

I KNOW!

With that, I could be referring to the events of "Let's Get Out of Here" OR the news that Joe Manganiello is thisclose to taking a role in Steven Soderbergh's movie about male strippers, both of which are equally deserving of exclamation points.

While Jason rocks out, head behind the cut and we can dissect the events of "Let's Get Out of Here" (which is the ninth episode of the season. I think I am just going to pretend that the season isn't ending in a matter of weeks. Delusion, yay!)

A...Weird Surprise

There were an awful lot of satisfying things about Friday's The Bold & the Beautiful. Some great snipes between characters regarding their own histories (Taylor and Steffy both got some appropriate digs in at Brooke, whose pearl-clutching regarding Steffy's pursuit of taken men is pretty hilarious), and we got to see some truly horrible fashion as part of the cutting-edge allegedly-trendy fashion show.

But of course Hope was the main event. Now, I generally find Hope to be pretty milquetoast as characters go. She's fine, I guess, and when she's in scenes with the older characters I generally find her pretty interesting. But all the back-and-forth between guys and the irritating sanctimony with Steffy, well, I can't really say she's someone I'm rooting for. Nor am I rooting against her. (She looked amazing on Friday, though!) And while it's great that she's a virgin and plans to stay that way till she's married, she's laying it on a little thick. I mean...

Hope: Members of the press, family, friends, welcome. Hope for the Future continues to grow. We began as a statement from one generation to another, a statement of change, of heightened awareness, defined not only by the clothes that we wear but by the beliefs that we share. Integrity. Self-respect. Restraint. All principles that helped guide us while we designed this amazing collection. And principles that helped guide the generations who wear it. (What the eff is she on about?! --Ed.) Now we know that we cannot hold true to these beliefs without sacrifice and commitment to our minds and our bodies. Whether it's social or sexual responsibility, or the richness and tradition of the Forrester name, we will not fall prey to the instant gratification of cheap thrills. We hold ourselves to a higher standard. We are Hope for the Future.

Uh, puke. It's not that I don't think it's actually pretty clever to have Hope as a young woman with aggressive sexual morality, it makes sense that she's resisting what she's grown up around. But seriously? Shut up!

But then I have to admit that this? Was insanely cute.