Serial Drama

Law & Order: Special Nitwits Unit

The entirety of Port Charles falling all over themselves in a mad rush to lie on Michael's behalf is bound to have a seriously detrimental effect--it won't be detrimental for Michael, obviously, because he is made of Teflon and every bad act he commits or obnoxious attitude he pulls will be ignored or explained away or turned into something positive, rather than a list of traits common to sociopaths. It will be detrimental for ME because I may lose my mind from irritation and also boredom, because I can already see what's coming: Carly and Company will whine and rage whenever somebody has the audacity to question why Michael would ever do something like cover up a crime or his appearance at a crime scene, and Sonny will keep telling him "You did good, Michael" and not one person will be like, "You were seriously going to let your brother bleed to death on the grody floor of a warehouse. May God have mercy on your soul, you piece of human garbage". Annoying, all the way around!

Also annoying? How utterly inept the Port Charles Police Department is. I'm not even talking about Lucky "Sorry I didn't answer my phone for eight hours, I was just staring at some pills" Spencer, or Dante "Who needs a bulletproof vest when you can distract criminals with your feathered hair?" Falconeri, or Ronnie "Dyes his hair with shoe polish" Dimestico--I'll just drop a blanket "STUPID!" there for all of them. But it gets worse! Like, Delores letting Shawn just chill out at a crime scene by himself even though he's basically just some random guy?! WHAT?! Although, to be fair, based on her speech patterns, it seems likely that Delores is actually a robot and therefore not well versed in police protocol, but still!

Delores, enunciating every single sound she is making and pausing for a beat between syllables, because that's normal: Hey! Watch where you're moving that car!
Delores: [Leaves the crime scene for long enough for Shawn--who, remember, is just a random and suspicious looking guy, based upon his awkward "I'm hiding something!" body language and blank "Nothing to see here, folks!" stare--to assemble a bomb made of duct tape and cleaning supplies with which he can create a conspiracy theory about someone trying to blow up the warehouse and ooops, Dante was collateral damage which...this show's commitment to being patently absurd would be sort of inspiring (I mean, they really go for it, you know?) if it weren't so angry-making]

This effing show.

Also INCREDIBLY annoying? The face Carly made when she realized that Shawn was going to lie for Michael.

"Excellent, I have another man willing to do my bidding," she is clearly thinking smugly and thoroughly impressed with herself and her sex appeal (I don't think even Carly is deluded enough to think men enjoy her for her sterling personality). Note to Laura Wright: faces like this are why some people don't like you.

So NOW Can These People Shut Up?

Because we've all been patient. We've been sitting here week after week listening to all of the characters have the exact same conversations over and over and over. These conversations went something like...

Steffy: You are a wonderful man, Liam. You deserve the best.

Liam: You mean not Hope.

Steffy: She doesn't give you what you want. I mean I totally respect her values and wanting to make you wait till you're married to have sex, but it makes her a selfish beast who should probably go ahead and be given the electric chair.

Liam: You... might be right.

Steffy: I am.

Liam: I don't want you talking trash on my fiancee, okay?

Steffy: You know what, that's fine. If you don't want me to trash on Hope, I'll respect your wishes because I am here to serve you, unlike Hope, who is a miserable wretch of a woman who should be shot at dawn.

Liam: You... might be right. But I love her. And you, sort of. But she has dibs.

Steffy: I would sex you up any time, day or night, because that is a real woman's obligation. I'm always in the mood. I'm never gassy or sick, even, and I've already been through menopause, so no problems there! Seriously, I am ready to go right now.

Liam: We're in public.

Steffy: If Hope really loved you, she'd do you on a street corner.

Liam: Maybe. But I love her.

Steffy: Just give me a friendly kiss.

Liam: Okay! What could be wrong with that?

Perfectly innocent!

Let's All Go to Camp!

I would be terribly derelict in my duties as a One Life to Live blogger if I just ignored yesterday's episode in its entirety, so let's quickly review the plain spectacular entrance of one Ms. Andrea Evans as Tina. The sequence was pretty pitch-perfect in terms of who they were re-introducing to the canvas. We started by seeing her dog, Princess David Vickers, enter the room first.

Which prompted a quick "What the...?" from Tea. Princess David Vickers then made a beeline to pee on Blair's foot. Which led to Viki realizing, with horror...

"I know that dog."

And then Tina came a-runnin' in with her patented look of surprise on her face, hidden underneath a hat that even Dorian might think a tad too much and quite possibly the most ridiculous head of hair Tina has ever had.

Which is saying a lot. (And this is no accident. This is not even close to what Andrea Evans' hair looked like in her last B&B appearance.)

Viki... was thrilled to see her little sister!

Subtle, Viks!

My Kingdom For a Redeeming Quality!

When Maurice Benard fumbled a line about Kate confronting her past today ("I didn't force Kate to come here, I just...look. She--she--wanted to, uh....put her past to rest" is about the closest--and most merciful--transcription I can provide, although it's possible/probable that there were even larger gaps of awkward silence), my first reaction was not derision, but solidarity. Because I had that same befuddled, dazed, and borderline incoherent reaction to everything Michael did and said today. Which is odd because everything about these events is SO TYPICAL.

1.) A series of episodes ostensibly about celebratory events such as marriage and engagement quickly devolves into something blood soaked (Dante getting shot), ominous (Franco is back. Strike up the yawn!) and disturbing (Michael and Abby having profoundly inappropriate limo sex that was upsetting on its own but also dredged up horrible memories of the time his parents did the same)? TYPICAL.

2.) Dante goes to Sonny's warehouse with no backup and no bulletproof vest? TYPICAL.

3.) Michael says something reprehensible? TYPICAL.

And yet, there I was, completely unable to form real sentences. It was like I had so many sarcastic quips and withering comments that my brain short-circuited or something, and I just sat there, slack-jawed, only able to say "...ugh" because Michael spent the bulk of the hour justifying himself for not wanting to call 911 while his BROTHER lie BLEEDING TO DEATH on the FLOOR!

Mommie Dearest (or A Damn Solid Episode)

This is a bittersweet afterglow from today's One Life to Live, entirely because of the empty space in the hour before its airing. (Don't bother writing in to tell me about some lame lifestyle show in that timeslot, it's empty! Shh!) I almost feel guilty for having enjoyed the show so much today, as if I am supposed to give All My Children its proper stages of grief (I think I've watched the first ten minutes of that finale about nine times so far).

But I digress. Because One Life to Live rocked today. They let Blair be a serious smartypants today and used excellent callbacks to history while she worked to manipulate Jack into telling the truth (and almost succeeded!). Tomas and Dani continued to bond and put all their own guilt out on the table. Todd convinced Téa of his innocence and to represent him, which now means we get a fun little plot with Blair and Téa faking being at odds in the hopes that it'll make Jack recant -- I hope they milk this for what it's worth, since they know what they've got in Kassie dePaiva and Florencia Lozano. Natalie told John about her engagement to Brody, and I'll be damned if I didn't actually feel sympathy for John McBain. He seemed sincerely heartbroken!

Best of all, though, was the confrontation between Viki and Irene that we've been waiting for. One of the soap cliches that cracks me up the most is when horrible people justify their actions by claiming that they "aren't perfect," and today we got a big fat heaping serving of Irene of all people saying she wasn't a perfect mother! "Sure, I kidnapped and tortured one of my children for eight years, abandoned another, and brainwashed the third. So I wasn't a perfect Mom, neither is anyone! Let's not get hyperbolic here and call me a Bad Mother!" Love it. (In fact her actual line was, "No one can say that I didn't do my best." That was her best? I'm clearly not trying hard enough in my own life because I'm yet to join a rogue CIA operation and use it to play God with my family.) And it was also a nice treat that after complaining that she'd turned evil because of how badly Victor Lord treated her and Viki pointed out that's no excuse, Irene aptly pointed out that Viki has evil alters for the very same reason and therefore uses the same excuse. 

A Fond Farewell To All My Children

Well...it's here. The day we've been dreading (if pre-depression is possible, that's what I've been afflicted with lately) has finally come and after 41 years of storytelling and an especially outstanding week of episodes, All My Children is coming to an end. And I have feelings.

The biggest feeling? Aside from profound sadness, obviously. That feeling is gratefulness. I am so grateful to the show's writers, cast members and the incomparable Agnes Nixon for giving me such a huge gift. I've spent my afternoons in Pine Valley through middle school, high school, college and graduate school and the show's crazy/amazing/cramazing cast and characters are responsible for some of my very favorite television memories, couples, and actors.  I mean, I hated it at times (see, uh, any page in the Serial Drama archives), sure, but I never really stopped loving it. How could I? It gave me Greenlee and Leo, David Canary, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Zach and Kendall, Kelly Ripa and Erica, Erica Kane, and many more wonderful things!

And I am also grateful to the smart, savvy, hilarious, and wonderful AMC fans who have spent time here at Serial Drama. I have loved your comments and emails and thank you so much for reading!

It is going to take me a few days to gather my thoughts in order to write about the end of the show; if I try to write anything today, it will probably just be random letters, numbers, and symbols, typed by my head as it rests on my keyboard while I cry. But please feel free to use the comment section to bid the show adieu, vent about the finale, imagine what happened after the screen goes dark and share your favorite AMC memories.

The Great and the Least, The Rich and the Poor,
The Weak and the Strong,
In Joy and In Sorrow, In Tragedy and Triumph,
You are ALL MY CHILDREN

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Yes, it's true! We are still writing our My Take/My Take, Too column for Soap Opera Digest. It just...hasn't made its way to the blog in a long while. It's so tiny, it fits perfectly into piles of mail and paperwork! But read on for our most recent takes, which appeared in the magazine's September 20th issue and happens to feature Mallory's very last All My Children column (it's the end of an era. SOB!).

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

As we near the end of ALL MY CHILDREN's run on broadcast television, I've been feeling increasingly nostalgic and also, depressed. I've found myself tearfully thinking things like, "This is AMC's last August 26 episode" and "Are they seriously replacing this with something called THE CHEW? Network bosses really green-lit that?" during the show's opening credits. And I know, I know---Pine Valley is moving online, thanks to the Internet deal with Prospect Park, but it won't be the same. The entire cast isn't going with the show (Jacob Young and Debbi Morgan, in particular, are taking their brands of awesomeness to BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL and YOUNG AND RESTLESS, respectively) and I have this worry that the online version will only share some sets and a few minor characters with ABC's AMC. And while I'm sure the life of Krystal's Patron No. 37 is interesting, I'd much rather have the current cast, plus a few notable returns.

Dumb Guys and Smart Mamas

I may have mentioned this before, y'all, but the Brothers Ford are the worst. The absolute worst. Today was like Chinese water torture, watching the three of them all oiled up in towels sitting around the sauna whimpering about how unfair life is and how jealous they are of James for being in a relationship and how they wish they could be frolicking in orchards with the ladies they love and... for crap's sake, these are supposed to be teen and twentysomething guys. They sound like Amish thirteen-year-old girls.

Now look, I'm a twenty-first century gal and all. I'm all for men talking about their feelings and being openly sensitive. But there's such a thing as too much. Way too much. Man the fuck up, Ford brothers! Are they upset about their manicures? Maybe they can start doing weekly episodes where they all sit down around a cheesecake and just dish.

There are a lot of problems with these three characters, but quite frankly the most glaring one is that they are all three the same person. They all have the same personality -- dopey, saccharine, embarrassingly over-earnest guys focused entirely on which girl they like and on what their abs look like. It's actually feasible that were they to bother writing three different characters or if they were played by actors with three disparate acting styles (I actually do think the three actors vary in talent level, but I'm just talking about approach here), one or more of them might actually be appealing. Let's be honest, it's not that hard to make soap viewers forgive a character's past sins if said character's present tense is compelling enough. But there's just nothing. They're carbon copies of each other, and that shared personality is a dull one. Not to mention one with no basis in reality, therefore no potential for viewer recognition of human traits. (Okay, I guess thirteen-year-old girls can relate to their personalities, but uh.... they probably shouldn't, you know?)

This right here was a legit conversation today. I'm not satirizing, I swear:

Ford: I miss Tess.

Nate: I miss Dani.

James: I miss Starr.

Nate: Seriously?

James: What? It's been like a whole, like, hour.

Ford: (putting James in a headlock that looks more noogie-ish) What's that Twinkletoes (?)? Are you gonna tell us some more about how you and Starr have to go hours without seeing each other?

Uninspired Episodes Provoke Inspired Musings

Or... not really. Not at all. Today's a little crazy, what with lots of major things going on in the news, Mom and Pop being in town (it is so cute teaching them to properly swipe a MetroCard even though they've done it hundreds of times), my team having clinched a playoff berth today (yeah, yeah, make your assumptions and throw your tomatoes) (and whatever, it's Mallory's team, too, so I'm all over it, Serial Drama-representin') (sorry, Becca!), and a minor little thing called the third-to-last televised episode of All My Children (there's something in my eye!). So, what's this One Life to Live thing? Well, I might actually be able to pay attention to the show if I force myself to recap it! So here goes nothin'....

Tomas tries to offer Téa some comfort. I realize there was something else that happened prior to this but as it had something to do with confirming the second life of Stacey Morasco, I've blocked it out.

Dani goes to talk to Todd in jail and asks him if he killed her "father".

He said no.

Cutter confronts Kim about having taken the murder weapon, and Echo tells Roxy about the latest gun-related developments. 

I am seriously finding this difficult to pay attention to. Tomas and Téa continue to chat about how he only wanted to protect her, and then John and Irene have a conversation in which she is as deliberately vague as ever and John makes fun of her. Appropriately. 

Todd explains to Dani that Jack invented the eyewitness evidence against him, and asks her to believe in him. I mean she believed in and loved the other rapist daddy, why not this one??

Coming To You Straight From Cloud 9

I was so excited for today's episode of All My Children that I very nearly responded to the Target cashier's innocent "How are you today?" query with "I am FANTASTIC because today's the day that David Canary comes back. And Sarah Michelle Gellar! It's going to be awesome and I'm probably going to cry, but...you know, in the FANTASTIC way". I started to giggle basically as soon as the TV-PG box popped up in the corner of the screen at the show's start (and then immediately teared up when Michael E. Knight paid his respects to Mary Fickett).

And the show did not disappoint. The writing all week has been top-notch, but today's episode was nothing short of stellar. There were so many touching moments, so many light-hearted delights, a welcome revelation that Babe IS actually dead, and performances that were phenomenal.

And the returns, people. The returns! It's always nice to see the lovely Eva LaRue, as random as her guest appearances have been. But Sarah Michelle Gellar? I cheered. DAVID CANARY? I applauded. Justin Bruening? I squealed, and considering how lukewarm I've been on Jamie since always, I started to wonder if the show was actually getting me high.

Sarah Michelle Gellar's cameo return was just freaking fantastic.

I adore the Smidge--it's impossible for me not to, you know? The woman played Kendall Hart AND Buffy Summers, plus she has amazing hair. Win/win/win. And I love, love, LOVE the fact that in all of the interviews she's given during her promotional tour for Ringer (which is all sorts of soapy), she's decried the cancellation of AMC and shouted from the rooftops that The Chew is going to fail (how nauseous-making is it to see commercials for that show airing during the 1-2 PM hour? So distasteful).