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« Mommie Dearest (or A Damn Solid Episode) | Main | Let's All Go to Camp! »

September 27, 2011

My Kingdom For a Redeeming Quality!

When Maurice Benard fumbled a line about Kate confronting her past today ("I didn't force Kate to come here, I just...look. She--she--wanted to, uh....put her past to rest" is about the closest--and most merciful--transcription I can provide, although it's possible/probable that there were even larger gaps of awkward silence), my first reaction was not derision, but solidarity. Because I had that same befuddled, dazed, and borderline incoherent reaction to everything Michael did and said today. Which is odd because everything about these events is SO TYPICAL.

1.) A series of episodes ostensibly about celebratory events such as marriage and engagement quickly devolves into something blood soaked (Dante getting shot), ominous (Franco is back. Strike up the yawn!) and disturbing (Michael and Abby having profoundly inappropriate limo sex that was upsetting on its own but also dredged up horrible memories of the time his parents did the same)? TYPICAL.

2.) Dante goes to Sonny's warehouse with no backup and no bulletproof vest? TYPICAL.

3.) Michael says something reprehensible? TYPICAL.

And yet, there I was, completely unable to form real sentences. It was like I had so many sarcastic quips and withering comments that my brain short-circuited or something, and I just sat there, slack-jawed, only able to say "...ugh" because Michael spent the bulk of the hour justifying himself for not wanting to call 911 while his BROTHER lie BLEEDING TO DEATH on the FLOOR!

Abby: I'm going to call an ambulance.
Michael: No, no. You call an ambulance, the cops will come, too. I want to call Dad.
Carly: What the hell is wrong with you?
Abby: Dante is on the floor bleeding to death, Michael. We have to get him medical attention.
Michael: Abby, this is my dad's warehouse. Dante's a cop. It looks bad. We can get Dante to GH on our own.
Abby: Your brother could be dying right now and you're wondering about how it's going to look?
Carly: You make the call. Now Abby. Go!

Let's break this down: Abby, who has the same mental faculties as a manilla folder, and Carly, who is basically a loathsome person, are the voices of reason in this scenario and are both appalled by Michael. For most people, that would have been the rudest of awakenings, but Michael welcomed the opportunity to build upon his reputation as a total douchebag with absolutely zero interest in anybody other than himself, Jason and Sonny. Oh, someone might DIE? Well, if it keeps Sonny's sterling reputation intact, well, that's just the way it goes.

Abby: The paramedics are on their way.
Michael: With the cops right behind them.
Abby: Seriously, Michael? You're more concerned with covering for Sonny than saving Dante's life?
Michael: I don't need to cover for my dad.
Carly: We have no idea what happened here.
Michael: Mom, Dad didn't do this. A, he would never shoot Dante again. And B, would he do it in the same place I got shot?

Well, when you put it that way...what the fuck is wrong with you?

He is the worst. And then watching him swan around the warehouse like he's somebody, barking orders at Shawn, it was just...do you know what it's like to wish for someone to pistol-whip a teenager? Because I do and I'm sure that Sonny does; the amount of Sonny empathy I'm having today is seriously NOT OKAY.

This is also something that happened:

Lucky: We're more like Dad; Lulu, she's more like Mom. I think on some deep level she's afraid that she's just going to take it all the way someday.
Ethan: What do you mean?

"I just mean, end up like Mom. You know, sitting in a chair, staring at a wall in Shadybrooke or something like that," answers Lucky before he STRETCHES BACK OUT ON THE FLOOR TO STARE AT TWO PILLS, POSSIBLY FOR HOURS AND YET LULU IS THE ONE WITH THE CRAZY.


Maybe we're supposed to hate Michael? That's the only logical explanation I can come up with... because there's no way they expect us to actually root for this kid, right???

"Lulu is like Laura, and Lucky and Ethan are like Luke" is the biggest bunch of bullshit ever, because Lulu is so like Luke it's sickening.

These last few days have been so WTF!!!! A Franco return? Just what the audience has waited for! Another woman pretending to not want to be with Sonny, but actually has never gotten over him? Awesome!! Who cares if he is still legally married to the last love of his life and no woman has ever gotten over Sonny's magic penis? Michael and Abby's limo sex? Not inappropriate at all. Dante getting shot again? I love violence up against a wedding or happy event. That. is. groundbreaking. for GH. Lucky staring at two pills under his couch for an HOUR? Riveting entertainment. And finally Lulu's outfit? That ensemble was literally the worst crime GH committed in the last few days and clearly that is saying a lot.

word, Bourgeois Nerd. word. Not to mention how Ethan is NOTHING like Luke. He is the most relaxed, cheerful, most optimistic guy. But because they're dudes, they're more like Luke. Sure.


thought Garin Wolf was going to be different but I think he was around Guza too long....

Michael has no redeeming qualities for me. Limo sex and letting Dante (his brother) bleed out to protect Sonny and Jason... ugh

IA uliis. Ethan is nothing like Luke - he's more like Robert. But I know the writers will continue to "tell me" how much Luke and Ethan are alike. Note to writers: if you have to tell the viewer something over and over again, it's not working. And Lulu has always been like Luke while Lucky has been like his mother. Oh well, another rewrite. I can't keep them straight anymore.

"Abby, who has the same mental faculties as a manilla folder"

I laughed so hard at this, it took me too long to get through the recap. I literally had to take a break from the computer.

GH is abdominal these days. I feel completely duped by Garin Wolf. He cannot continue as head writer until it's "televised" end. I think he's a placeholder until Katie Couric's talk show is announced to take GH's place. At that point, I suspect either Ron Carvialti or another writer will be named headwriter. As far as I can tell Wolf's storytelling is nearly exact as Guza's. I think Guza being ousted was to appease unhappy viewers who already lost AMC and OLTL.

Lulu is totally more like Luke than Laura and didn't we already go through Lulu's fears of being like her mom when she killed Logan and started seeing visions of his bloody corpse? Lulu is my favorite character but I never want to see flashlight Logan again.

I really can't stand Lulu. I think it's because they try to paint her as Laura Jr and it is so glaringly untrue. Ugh.
I hate how this show has basically assassinated the character of Laura. I weep.
Then again, it's pretty much destroyed all of its characters, so I guess she's not all that special when it comes down to it. ::sigh::

I too feel betrayed by the new headwriter. It makes me think he and Guza were/are taking dictation from Frons.

Why else are we being force fed a Jason/Sam wedding, Franco 3 or 4.0 (despite the fact the other times didn't work, either on screen or with the fans), and the reawakening of Lisa Niles (so she can do what she's already done too many times)?

Here's a hint network suits: Soap ratings are down because women (remember us, your primary audience) don't care about violence, guns or the Mob. You people make a lot of money, use some of it to buy a clue.

Mallory, any idea who slashed the Laura portrait?

I don't think Garin Wolf is all that similar to Guza, but that doesn't mean this eppy wasn't so bad it hurt...it just means that Garin Wolfe is a different kind of bad.

So much WTF today. It really felt like GW didn't know what to write about. An entire show of montage with no dialogue would have moved the stories forward just as much, which is to say, not at all. Or do what they do when they partially restore silent films that are lost. Substitute still photos and an audio track.

No one really walked today, except Kate and Johnny. Everyone else was sitting grousing, standing grousing, sitting contemplating sex, or the beyond stupidity of Lucky spending half the episode lying on the floor! If I was JJ and I read that scene...it would have taken a lot for me not to have marched upstairs and said, "Excuse me, this isn't a script, this is a mopping commercial, and just let me improv instead Please!

Maybe when Lucky was laying on the floor looking at the pills Diane could have appeared and done her Swiffer commercial. Her "I'm a film!" would have injected some energy into a dismal episode.

JJ's Lucky lying on that floor for what seemed like hours, staring at two pills was an unintentional hoot. Why didn't he just pick them up and stare at them in the palm of his hand? So much more comfortable. Also, JJ looks like a choir boy with a bad haircut who would never take anything stronger than an aspirin. I wish this sl would end.

And why on earth is Franco back? After he flopped so badly hosting the Oscars, I thought he'd be less ever-present. But no, he's still a media pest. Maybe the show had a contractual obligation to put him back on. If not, someone over there likes rubbing elbows with an A-list actor, because he does zero for the show. I don't care if he needs material for a multi-media installation about a soap opera. Get material elsewhere; don't bore me to death.

And to think, Dante was the one who got that horrible, ungrateful turd out of prison, while everyone who actually got him sent to prison in the first place moped and played the blame game. Why did he survive that bullet? Oh yeah, it was so we could all see Limo Sex, Jr.

I wanted Shawn to clock Michael something serious. When Carly (Carly!) looks at her beloved spawn in abject horror, Michael has gone too far. "Dad would never shoot Dante...again." WTF???

I seriously can't believe that Lucky spent the whole hour on that floor staring at two pills. I just can't believe it. And as for Lulu, that child is so much like her dad it isn't funny. She is not another Laura.

James Franco bugs me to NO END (although I will admit I did like Rise of the Planet of the Apes) with his continual hijacking of this show. Get your effing PhD already and leave us alone.

I haven't watched the show since the killing off of Jake, I just pop in here once in a while to enjoy the recaps which are always more entertaining than the show has any hope of being. Imagine my surprise to see there were 15 comments on an episode!

I thought something fantastic must have happened to bring out the last 15 viewers, all with a desire to share something.

But alas, GH seems to just be the same pot of crap being stirred with a different stick/writer.

On any other soap, the willing presence of an A-list actor would have garnered a LOVE STORY being written... with a pretty ACTRESS.

Instead we get a semi-gay obsession with Jason? Jason who is so predictable and boring, he can't possibly be any good in bed. I dunno... maybe we're supposed to be grateful Franco isn't in a menage with Sonny and Carly in the limo after Michael is done with it.

I don't fault James Franco for any of it. Only on ABC Daytime could a golden opportunity be squandered like this.

I have to say, that the only thing that was pretty good (and I know, 'good' and GH don't quite go together!) and funny to me was Alexis getting hot flashes throughout the 'wedding reception'. I guess I relate too well. lol

Yeah, TekBunE, Alexis and her hot flashes were definitely the high point of the episode for me, too!

"The amount of Sonny empathy I'm having today is seriously NOT OKAY."

HAHAHA! Thanks for the belly laugh, Mallory!

How soon before we hear that PP is taking over GH by May 2012?

Oh, you're too funny again, in a sort of tragic way. Empathy for Sonny! And I agree with you, Lulu is so much like Luke, but the minute I saw her looking like Delta Dawn afixing' to wait-for-her-man I realized they were changing that fact in one episode. Is it that they care so little for existing viewers that they just play fast and loose with characters? Oh, wait, I remember now, they are killing another soap by driving the established audience away with these glaring inconsistencies. Then they can replace it with a cheaper show, like the Spew and AMC. Bastards.

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