Serial Drama

Pride and Petulance

If it weren't for--I probably should have started this post with a disclaimer, because what I'm about to type is shocking and I think it would be safest for all of you if you read this while sitting and avoiding drinking, lest you faint or choke, which would make me feel incredibly guilty--Sonny (RIGHT? About the shocking? SONNY!), I'd have probably fast forwarded the entirety of today's episode of General Hospital. I mean, Carly and Shawn forcing charm? The ongoing shenanigans with Sam's engagement ring? Franco (yes, Franco is back, because why not? Why not give the eighteen remaining viewers a reason to tune out?) evilly/cheerfully monologuing to his cymbal-playing monkey about his (futile) plans for the destruction of the world? It was basically the living definition of a must-miss episode.

Except for Sonny's fit of RAGE and Patrick hotly and hot-headedly giving it right back to him which caused Sonny to become flustered and when Sonny gets flustered, his grasp on the English language and commonly accepted methods of conversing...um, those things disappear. It was immensely entertaining.

A barely paraphrased recap follows; I italicized the lines that were actually spoken, because they were too amazing to satirize.

SONNY: I want to talk about my daughter's health...and yours.
MATT: Relax, dude.
SONNY: Don't talk to me while I'm trying to menace you. Why can't my daughter walk? You better hope she recovers, Doc. You know what happens to people who...who don't...who don't HOPE? DEATH!

Some Damn Good Montage (Alternate Title: Tears. So Many Tears!)

Words I thought I'd never--never--never, because EW--type: Thank goodness for Krystal.

Hear me out before you start making arrangements to have me involuntarily committed: thank goodness for Krystal and her Southern-fried hypocrisy, because if it weren't for her holier-than-thou, delusional display of smug today, I'd have spent the entire episode in a puddle of messy tears. But instead I had a brief respite and was able to just feel pure hatred. And it felt good, you know? It felt right, snarling things like "

Krystal: That room's taken, but I'm sure we can find an empty cell for you around here.
JR: I'm busy.
Krystal: Yeah, so I heard. From AJ. Taking a little adventure. I think the legal term for it is kidnapping.

You know, there are certain things that this twit should never say. Actually, she shouldn't say most things because she should have been written out of Pine Valley YEARS ago (no offense to Bobbie Eakes, who is a delight, but seriously, Krystal is the fucking worst), but really, things that she ABSOLUTELY shouldn't say are things like "kidnapping" and "how dare you kidnap?" because seriously, we can all recite the litany of felonies and child endangerment charges this hiefer has committed but let me just recap in a word: MIRANDA. I mean, yes, JR is acting seriously unbalanced, but this is one of those times that Krystal should have just said, "You know what? I'm going to sit this one out, which I know is surprising because I offer my opinion on EVERYTHING in that same condescending drawl, but I don't really want to run the risk of spontaneously combusting on account of the hypocrisy, so if you need me, I'll be over there".

But again, if it weren't for Krystal, all I'd have done for this hour was cry because damn it, Angie and Jesse are magical. Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams are just--I am gutted, you guys. Gutted that we're not going to have them in our lives anymore, transfixing us with their brilliance and making us completely jealous with their utter lack of aging.

And this montage killed me. Killed me dead. I type this from beyond the grave, still sniffling at the Hubbard-y goodness.

Thank you so much for the years of genius performances, epic romance, and those amazing 80s fashions. We'll miss you, Debbi and Darnell.

Someone Needs A Time Out

And that someone would be Jack Manning. Now before I launch into this, I need to throw out a disclaimer: I am perfectly aware that how infuriating this character is is quite deliberate. I do wish that we were dealing with a stronger actor here, but it's still a story that makes perfect sense -- of course Todd Manning's son hates him (I'm going to go out on a limb and say I'd probably hate anyone who gave me away at birth and told my mother I was dead) (though as far as I know this did not happen to me, but it might be worth looking into). And of course he plays dirty; he's Todd Manning's son! But no matter how much it makes sense, it is endlessly rewarding to me whenever anyone treats him like the annoying little beast that he is. I always cheered when Victor came down hard on him and I do the same whenever Starr or Blair look like it's taking all their strength not to throttle him on the spot. Since his return, though, Todd's been so concerned with building some sort of relationship with his son that he lets Jack get away with an awful lot. Today was refreshing, then, when Todd finally stood a little ground with his youngest brat. His "Wow, you really are a jackass" looks were a gift.

Of course we all know that Todd Manning is capable of looks that cut much deeper than that, but no worries, there's still time! He got a little too gentle later on in the episode, but he's still fighting for his life.

Tea had the "only on soap operas" line of the day when Dani was outlining the major developments in her life the past couple of years (with a kind shout-out to Ross having been a great dad!) and said that finding out Victodd was really her father was really kind of tame. Her mother responded with (in a terrific tongue-in-cheek deadpan from Florencia Lozano), "You mean compared to finding out that he was really your uncle who'd been brainwashed by his evil mother to impersonate your father?" (And again: man, I love the shit out of soaps!)

Now I have a bone to pick. I am so sick of this one character who is eating the show. Seriously, it's like everything they put on the screen these days is just written specifically to prop this glorified day-player. Enough already! They are just totally shoving this completely wooden, shallow character in our faces day after day in what is possibly the most transparent case of Emmy bait I've ever seen.

 

A Permanent State of Goosebumps

Having had the misfortune of glimpsing myself in a mirror after watching Friday's episode of All My Children, I am seriously worried for my future self and see a week filled with puffy eyes and smeared mascara and plaintive wails of things like "But I don't WANT it to be the end of Zach and Kendall!" and "I want MORE of Brooke and Erica sparring" and then just grief-filled hiccups.

Because really, so much of the show has just gutted me, to the point where I've had to pause the episode and regain my composure (or become as composed as I can be when I'm watching TV, since that often includes me making ridiculous faces and shouting things at fictional people) and then wind up gutted all over again. There is so much I want to say about All My Children as a whole--about my history with it and my favorite stories and weird, random memories that I have of it, but please; I try to write about a ten second scene with Zach and Kendall and I wind up too depressed for words.

But OMG, how sweet, right?

Kendall: My husband, the romantic.
Zach: You happy?
Kendall: Very. You are really back.
Zach: We're back.

And OMG, how amazing, right?

A SNUGGIE. Zach Slater in a SNUGGIE. I have seen everything now. Part of me thinks that not just AMC, but all of television should be canceled because what could possibly live up to that?!

Then there was Angie and Jesse, and I know that I say this all the time and that I gush and lots of repetitive gushing is the very definition of not fun, but...really, Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams own me.

Angie: Stop lying, Jesse Hubbard. You were crying. I can see it.

Fourteen different emotions flew over Darnell Williams's face in that moment when he realized that kind of seeing Angie meant, and all of those different emotions made me tear up. Amazing.

Although...there are some things that I find, uh, worrisome about the show's ending. For starters, I'm not sure why Brooke (!!!! I love Julia Barr so freaking much) was being so cagey about Adam, but I don't like it.

Erica: You two have not even been back to visit Pine Valley, not even once. You must be having quite the time.
Brooke: Things have been different for Adam since he left Pine Valley.
Erica: Unlike me, Brooke, you've never been good at the old duck-and-weave. What aren't you telling me about Adam?

I swear, if the show ruins Adam's previous happy ending, I am going to...well, the show is ending so any grand statement on my part would only last a few days and therefore not be grand at all but STILL.

And then there is Babe. Again with the endless discussion of this loathsome creature! It's totally tainting my enjoyment of the show right now! And can I just say that if Dixie's theory is right and that David FAKED BABE'S DEATH in order to get her away from JR, he will have officially crossed the line into mega-villain territory. Because that's creepy and psychotic and controlling and wrong and worse, it brings Babe back into our lives! How can we ever forgive him for that?!

A Perfect Storm (Of Irksome)

The end of any given fairytale romance of Sonny's means that two things will invariably happen:

1. Glassware will be thrown in fits of rage, usually accompanied by unintelligible stammer-yelling.

2. The writers will suddenly throw one of his former paramours back into his orbit, since [Insert the name a female character here. No, really, any character; as far as the GH writing staff goes, they are basically interchangeable] is the only one who knows the REAL Sonny.

As you might have assumed, what with Kate being newly recast, Ms. Howard has suddenly become the only one who can help Sonny, just like she was in the past before OLIVIA was the only one who knew Sonny and then BRENDA was the only one who knew Sonny and so on and so forth and this show is maddening in its predictability.

Olivia: You are the one person who can get through to Sonny.

I bet you thought that was going to be the most irritating part of the day; you would be foolish to think so, since that dumbassedness came exactly two minutes into the show and you'd have to imagine that there would be more where it came from. And there was! Watching Olivia tear into Kate for various crimes against humanity (seriously, she blamed her for all of the problems associated with the fashion industry. All of them: Kate's fault, completely and totally) basically made me want to destroy my television with my mind.

Olivia: Congratulations, Katherine Harwick Howard. You won. Connie's gone and all you've got left is an ice cold bitch.
Kate: Well, I'm not thrilled with your choice of words, but I'm glad we agree on something.
Olivia: The sad thing is you lost the best part of you. The real you. You build up these big fat walls, around this nice looking palace.  You can't touch anyone and no one can touch you. 
Kate: Could you wrap up your sermon? I'm still on a deadline.
Olivia: Oh yeah, you love saying that word, don't you? Deadline. It makes you feel powerful. It makes you feel important and that's all you ever wanted was power. I'm sorry that I messed up your deadline, Katherine Harwick Howard. Sorry I wasted your time.

Okay, Olivia, first of all, please get over the fact that Kate changed her name. You live in a town where approximately 90 percent of residents are using an assumed name or identity.

Secondly, it is rich to hear such an impassioned rant against power from the show's most strident and bossy nag.

But not even THAT irritated me the most today! No, that was this nonsensical and maddening moment.

Anthony: The lengths I'll got to to get respect. You just needed an advocate. Somebody committed to bringing you out of this thing. And it's amazing what the system can do if the right wheels are greased. Misery makes strange bedfellows and we're going to make some fine misery together, Dr. Niles.

WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYY? Why Lisa? What crazy plan of destruction does Anthony have up his sleeve and is it for a reason, or does he just like stirring the pot? And what does most of that even mean? But mostly WHY LISA? WHYYYYYY?

Adorable Funerals and Other Cutenesses!

So the alternate One Life to Live opening credit reel didn't really tell us much. Langston is still in the opening credits. Eh? Otherwise everything looked the same to me (has Shaun always been in the credits? In fact, he got the mid-show bumper today. New? I have no idea.). At least I got my wish and Matthew is still there finger-shooting the camera.

Anyway, business at hand: Funeral Day!

In more important news: Sam! In a suit! 

This is the cutest funeral ever. Sam was confused about why there was a picture of his father in church (a fair question, young sir) and worried that his dad knew he stole candy (he'd probably high-five you) and excited that James was going to take him to a Phillies game without Jack (again, that's fair, young sir -- a child after my own heart, what with the whole preferring-non-Jack-activities thing and all).

I even liked James for a minute because he was being sweet to Sam!

Will wonders never cease?

Honey Badger Don't Care (or Stray Thoughts for the Day)

I truly hope they continue to get mileage out of the missing porcupine Morris, who Nate thought might be a woodchuck or a honey badger. I wish it were the latter, obviously.

But Morris don't care, Morris don't care at all. Morris has a murder weapon up his bum, so why would he care?

New opening credits, y'all! I didn't have the old ones memorized, but from what I can gather we've added: Todd, Jack, Tomas, and Cutter.

We've lost: Kelly, Charlie, and Joey (though I could be wrong, as they do tend to alternate days for some characters). Interestingly, we've kept Dorian. Is it because we'll see her again, or is it just out of (proper) reverence for her position on canvas? Inquiring minds want to know! We should get the alternate version tomorrow, so I'm excited about more possible changes! (I know, I know, it'd be foolish of me to have my fingers crossed for a turning, wind-blown shot of Andrea Evans and John Loprieno. I dream big!) If Eddie Alderson isn't in there giving attitude and finger-guns to the camera, I am siccing a honey badger on someone's ass, I can tell you that much.

I'm all for Roxy getting scenes anywhere, anytime, with anyone. But with Nate? Have they even met before?

Gigi's ghost is back.

They make you go platinum blonde in heaven these days. It's all the rage.

The Power of Goodbye

The closer we get to September 23rd and the end of ABC's broadcast of All My Children, the more I get sentimental about increasingly strange parts of the Pine Valley experience.

"TEAR! I'll only hear this theme song a few more times!"

"SNIFF! This could be the last time I see David Hayward get arrested!"

"SOB! How does Alicia Minshew manage to have such big bouncy curls with nary an appearance of frizz?"

"Mallory, why are you weeping?" "Because Krystal and then Liza and then they were talking and they said things and they were beautiful!"

I'm a mess, basically.

So today's episode of AMC was excruciating for me. The theme was friendship and so many of the friendly conversations we saw were wonderful and adorable; Jake and Ryan also spoke. But even beyond that? The actors. The actors so obviously love each other and were so clearly saying goodbye to each other and to their characters and to the show, and there was so much real emotion and it damn near broke my heart.

Before we get to the sad, let's start with the rage-inducing.

Changing Up The Recipe

There's nothing I love more than when a soap changes things up and puts unlikely duos in scenes together or builds new friendships, alliances, and rivalries from existing characters rather than retreading what we've known for years.

Today they broke up some of the usual on One Life to Live with scenes between:

Roxy and Echo! Now, these two have had a few scenes together before because of their relationships with Rex, but they've very rarely had a one-on-one scene. Kim Zimmer and Ilene Kristen have a fun chemistry together and I'm liking that they're having to form an unlikely alliance and even referring to Rex as "their" son. Frankly I wish their concern was over someone more interesting than Rex, but I'll take it. 

We also got...

Aubrey and Kim! Or Aubrey and Aubrey. Or Christine and Aubrey. Aw, hell, I don't know. Is it odd to anyone else that Cutter is so comfortable talking about getting it on with his lady friend "Aubrey," whose fake identity is that of his actual sister? 

And we got...

Todd and Natalie!

Sucks So Good: True Blood 4.12, "And When I Die"

And When I Die...it will be of ANGUISH and HORROR and FURY that we need to wait until next summer to get closure on the events that unfolded in the last five minutes of the season four finale.

I'd normally have a couple of more vague things to say before directing you to go after the jump to read my thoughts on this week's episode, and usually those things are related to Alexander Skarsgard and his dreaminess, but I am basically freaking out--nay, fah-reaking out (it's the kind of freaking out that just demands to be upgraded, syllable-wise) and feel that my loose lips would spoil the episode for readers who are behind on True Blood by, in between flails, saying something like "AND THEN, HOW ABOUT [THING THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE]? MY GOD, RIGHT?". So, um, click after the jump for more. And if you are not caught up, get caught up immediately because we need to talk about this!