When Will The Cringing Stop?!

Any given episode of General Hospital leaves me with at least half a dozen questions to add to my ongoing list of unanswerable questions I have about this show (like "What trade to Sonny and Jason deal in?" "Why did they ever bring Michael out of his coma?" "Why is Spinelli?", etc.) but following today's show, I know three things for certain:

1.) The GH writers are failures on basically every level. Their typical storytelling--the dark and dready sort--is painful to sit through and their attempts at trying something new, like being romantic and playful, are just as disturbing.

2.) Scott Reeves and Lisa LoCicero are trying valiantly to have this episode wiped clean from their IMDB pages and if they're not, they should be, because their performances today were an unholy combination of sleaze and cheese and oh my god, why were they smacking their lips so loudly?!

3.) Having this episode on my DVR for longer than one hour will lead to my being added to some sort of FBI watchlist of depraved individuals.

Guys, the following happened.

Olivia ran up to Lulu at General Hospital and shticked for a few minutes before asking Lulu if she and Dante had set a wedding date yet. Lulu shrugged her shoulders and then clearly opened her mouth as if she were about to explain when Olivia interrupted her with "No, no, no! Don't tell me you changed your mind!"

We never got any followup on whether or not Lulu had changed her mind about getting married (the editing staff on this show is, as always, top notch) but whatever conversation the two of them had clearly got Olivia hot and bothered, because the next we saw, she was urging Steve to skip out on his shift and visit her at the Metro Court for some afternoon delight. There was a stripper pole, because this is General Hospital and we're not brutalizing women here, we're objectifying them.

Then--I know, people who haven't seen this episode yet because, wisely, they stopped watching the show in the late 90s, are like "How can the ick factor possibly get upped here?" but it can, and how!--came the double entendres.

Olivia: Here at the Metro Court Hotel, we pride ourselves on the finest customer service.
Steve: I'm feeling very serviced¹.
Olivia: You ain't seen nothing yet².

Olivia: I certainly hope you came hungry³.
Steve: I'm famished⁴.

Steve: I love me some slow backslide⁵.

¹ Ew.

² Ew.

³ Eww.

⁴ Eww.

⁵ Why?

When Olivia took a spill and hit her head--because of course she did, because that's so wacky and hilarious. Seriously, Lisa LoCicero should sue--I found myself profoundly jealous because there was a chance that she'd have brain trauma and, if she was lucky, amnesia; meanwhile, I couldn't forget this if I tried.

(Seriously, WHY DID THEY SLURP SO LOUDLY?)

The rest of the episode was basically about Daddy issues.

Lulu and Dante bonded over their imperfect relationships with their fathers and we got a look at those fathers in action.

Sonny opened the episode standing (sitting) guard (asleep) by Dante's bedside. With a gun. As asinine and angry-making as that is (your son was SHOT! BY YOU! IN THE CHEST! And also again, just recently), it is disturbingly in character for him; Kate told some boring story about how Sonny always carried a gun, but I was thinking of the time there was a fundraiser for Michael at General Hospital (after HE was SHOT!) and Sonny brought a gun in there with him, too.

When Lulu came in to sit with Dante, Sonny tried to get her to talk; she unleashed more of her sweet, sweet hatred on him.

Lulu: You put him at odds with himself and everything he believed in. And worse, you played on his emtions to protect yourself and your dirty empire. You never once thought about your son and how he'd suffer for it.

Lulu: No matter how many times you let him down, he will try to protect you and instead of being grateful, you try to exploit that every chance you get. You don't deserve him.

She's at her most likable when she's lashing out at Sonny. I especially loved when Sonny responded to this truth-telling with "I know he proposed to you. Did you say yes?" and she only gave him the most withering of looks--and an expert stalk!--in response. You, Sonny, are terrible.

But Deke made him that way, you guys, which he reminded us of in an attempt to garner sympathy/get in Kate's pants. It's like he though, "Kate's right in that I don't want to be alone. How can I get her back? I know, I'll butter her up and also remind her of my childhood trauma. Win/win!"

Sonny: I want you to be brutally honest with me.
Kate: Since when?
Sonny: Because you are one of the only ones right now who can call me out on my stuff and it doesn't feel like my stepfather backhanding me.

Eyeroll, right? But the eyerolliest (work with me) part is that he needn't even try that hard--Kate's already back in the habit of making excuses for him, like butting into his conversation with Lulu to defend him. Maybe it's just me--I try to stay out of tense situations that have nothing to do with me. I also try to stay away from people who have shot people I love, so I think maybe Kate and I are just coming at this from totally different perspectives. Either way, I am judging her.

Then there was Luke and Lucky. Luke showed up to make amends with his son who, you might imagine, was not thrilled to see him. I probably don't need to include the statement that Tony Geary and Jonathan Jackson were both quite excellent in these scenes because of course they were, but just in case: fantastic. Luke wants to make things right and gives him an AA pamphlet, telling him that he hasn't had a drink in months.

Lucky: Why should I believe you?
Luke: Because it's the truth.
Lucky: This time.
Luke: Look, I know you've been going through a rough period--
Lucky, totally gobsmacked: A rough period?!

"A rough period? I have the fucking worst life of anyone ever!"

Luke: I'm here to make things right.
Lucky: How do you expect to do that with everything that's happened? I came to you, with my heart in my hand and I asked you to forgive me. With everything you've done, I asked you to forgive me. I said, "Come back home, Dad. Everything's going to be okay". And what was your response? Do you remember, or were you too wasted? You said killing Jake was liberating for you. LIBERATING!
Luke: I remember I said that. And I regret it. It was a terrible, terrible thing to say, but I thought it was--
Lucky: I don't care what you thought. From that point on, Dad, I've been doing one thing: trying to pick up the pieces and trying to move on with my life without my father and my son.

Lucky, obviously, wants Luke gone and doesn't even want to give Lulu the chance to give Luke the same orders, urging Luke not to even talk to Lulu. This isn't because Lulu is a terrible human being who wished that he had gotten shot (seriously, what the fuck?) but because he is of her feelings and because she has Laura's crazy genes or whatever and for some reason, I just picture Dante getting shot AGAIN in a few months and this sending Lulu into a spiral of grief and nuttiness.

Sam and Jason's honeymoon in Hawaii, though? Cute and fun. Sam tried valiantly to get Jason in a Hawaiian shirt and Jason responded by being CHARMING. I know! Steve Burton was having fun!

Jason: Is there an option four?
Sam: No.
Jason, brightly: Then I'll take number four!

Sam: We're supposed to be trying new things, going out of our comfort zone--
Jason: Yeah, we've done a lot. I just took a nap!

The first time I watched, I missed the first half of his response and I thought that taking a nap was something new for Jason, which...makes sense, you know?

Jason: You can't be serious right now!
Sam, faux angry: I am serious right now!

But not even that was wholly enjoyable because there was Franco, painting something ugly while wearing a lei, the most threatening of all accessories. GROAN!

Comments

[Cindy]

Just a funny side comment regarding Sonny and Jason's trade...they were discussing racketeering on an episode of Psych and Shawn, I believe, asked what racketeering involved since they were all gung ho about arresting the racketeer. And the cops all stood there looking at one another...they had no idea either!

So apparently, racketeering creates some of the most heinous, violent criminals ever, but no one has any idea what exactly it is that they do.

[soapbaby]

Ugh. Just reading the recap is exhausting. I commend you for watching the show at all, let alone writing witty commentary on it.

I am so over Luke and Lucky and their pain. I trust that Tony Geary and Jonathan Jackson were good but I find their acting styles so self-indulgent, with a commitment to their Emmy reels and not the overall story. I find nothing relatable or moving in their acting any more. I do not blame them entirely given the story that's written but Tony Geary and Jonathan Jackson (as well as Maurice Benard and Steve Burton) seem to check in and out of their scenes when ever they feel like it. Somehow, the show's actresses seem committed to the drivel they are written.

[Carina]

I have a pretty high threshold for cheese (if that makes sense) but those Steve/Olivia scenes were pretty painful lol.

I do have to say that I feel pretty sorry for Luke right now...I am one for giving x chances to someone but I usually have very little sympathy for Luke but this time it has changed.

And I wikipedia-ed racketeering...basically means mobsters being assholes

[uliis]

Dear God, kudos to you for having the stregnth to sit through the Steve/Olivia scene. Sounds even worse than it looked.

Hate hate hate the resurgance of Lulu and Laura are exactly alike because they are women are also crazy and need to be protected. It's making me hate BOTH Spencer siblings, and I want to like them.

[LB]

I just noticed that there is a juxtaposition of feelings on display with every post on this blog. Almost every other post you have Mallory lamenting on the genuine awfulness of GH. Almost every other post you have Louise extolling the virtues of and being in blogger heaven with OLTL. And yet, which one of these shows was cancelled? =(

[LadyBug]

LB, GH is a goner when "Katie" airs next year and the show will end up at PP with AMC and OLTL. The ONLY reason that GH wasn't cancelled instead of OLTL is because it's Frons' favorite ABC soap since he's not too far from the studios.

Mallory, I am so glad that you can sit and watch GH drivel because I almost fell asleep reading the recap.

[dealwithit]

Luke and Lucky were the only scenes I bothered to watch. Hell, Tony and Jonathan they know their lines and deliver them with actual emotion. They were the single, shining bright spot in today's crapfest. Frankly, I don't give a damn if Jason and Sam are ever cute, because the character of Jason is nothing but a piece of (*&$*!(@*& and neither he nor Sonny get a moment of my time. EVER.

My question is this: Wasn't Guza fired? Where is the nano-second of improvement that Garin Wolf made? Has Frons been writing this crap the whole time, because it sucks as much as ever. I've never watched a moment of whatever replaced AMC. I will not watch a moment of whatever replaces OLTL or GH whenever that may happen.

Jeez, ABC, when you are deep in a hole - STOP DIGGING! ABC could vanish from television altogether and Castle is the only show I would miss.

[kermitklein]

I don't know about yall..but Olivia falling off the pole was the only thing that woke me up with this entire episode and I do believe that Scott Reeves broke character when she fell an he started laughing. Other then that, this eppy was like all the other eppys that GH have been showing for a while...slow and boring.

I agree with soapbaby. I'm so sick of Luke and Lucky especially Lucky and I was floored how he told Luke that he doesn't makes excuse to Aiden and Cam like Luke did with him considering every depressing convo he has with Aiden, he brings up that damn Spencer gene. Then he uses every excuse under the book not to go to rehab, a meeting, or call his sponsor but he wants to look down on Luke who presents him an AA pamphlet.

I have to say I'm tried of all the Spencers. I'm tired of them comparing Laura and Lulu because that's a dishonor to Laura. I'm tired of these out of no where Jake/Lucky stories that makes me question when exactly Lucky was able to do that considering we continously saw him avoiding these kids. I'm tired of looking at Lucky always crying at the drop of a dime and playing victim.

And another thing can we not have to suffer watching these long, boring, drawn out Jason and Sam honeymoon scenes because they are not entertaining at all to me. Come on now..Wii,dominos, and now we had to endure a Hawaiian shirt. Like did the audience really have to be privy to that stupidity?

[LogopolisMike]

Reading this I realized that if the Franco stuff was happening on a better version of GH, it would be campily entertaining. Like, for example, sometime in the 90s, when everybody was trying to catch Ryan Chamberlain -- he was a suspected serial killer working in a hospital and didn't Felicia have to pretend to be dead? It was ridiculous but I loved it -- partially because I was a kid but mostly because it was a different type of story surrounded by other good stories.

(See also the rise of rock star Eddie Maine -- which I'm really afraid the Steve's Walking In Memphis storyline will try to ape.)

[Carrie]

I know GH and perhaps VMG tried to ruin my Brenda/S&B love this last go round with bad writing and endless cackling, but for the love of God can Sonny at least divorce her before trying to get into fakeKate's pants? Or, you know, can someone be mad at him for like two minutes about causing Jax's faux death? Brenda could have nothing to do with Sonny's children while they were married, but Kate is now the Corinthos spawn whisperer? SMH!! It's not working for me and if I took a drink everytime I heard the words Deke and abuse in regards to Sonny I would be a bigger alchoholic than Luke.
I also don't know why they are trying to make Steve and Olivia happen. They have been together for nearly a year? and I know nothing about their relationship or the Steve character (except that he was a Lisa apologist for way too long and he thinks Liz makes poor choices). Random insertions of sex scenes do not make a couple, especially when no one cares and they are horribly embarassing.
I guess Jasam are kinda cute. How long before Sam is brutalized and tortured by Franco, though?

[realbrenda4evr]

All I have to say regarding the Steve and Olivia stuff is that I can't believe any of that actually happened. ABC will just not let go of the pole, will they? But I can't be too shocked b/c this is the same show that had Lucky on the floor an entire epi, staring at two pills. I...will not be getting over that.

What is with all the boringness and the horrible editing on this show? I had to get up and actually move around so I wouldn't fall asleep watching this.

[Mumzie Doo]

Y'all make me glad to have missed this episode. So glad that I will miss today's, too. I'm not sure why yet, but I'm sure I will manage to miss it. If they ever get back to real stories about real people, give me a call please....

[Janaynay]

Why is no one talking about the giant, poorly coifed elephant in the room that is Lucky? For the love of all that is holy, someone tie that kid up and cut his hair. This is worse than the St. Jaysus Follicular Nightmare of 2008(ish?).

[Rene']

Soooo....the Metro Court has rooms with built-in stripper poles? Well, Carly DOES own the hotel, so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised. Or maybe she thought it would be a nice touch since her son is dating an ex-stripper. You know, try to class it up a bit. FAIL.

Scott Reeves is VERY religious, and I thought he looked uber uncomfortable in that scene. Plus poor Lisa Lo. OMG. Can you imagine how much vodka and valium she had to consume between the time she got that script in hand and the actual shoot? Or maybe I should ask how much valium and vodka was consumed to even write that shit?

I don't know if anyone is watching Dirty Soap, but the wedding hasn't happened yet. While I think that show is COMPLETELY scripted, I did have to laugh at Kelly Monaco asking Kirsten Storms if she thought Sam would get raped before her wedding. She says, "come on, it's a General Hospital wedding!" Even SHE knows it can't go off without a hitch!

The honeymoon is extreme drivel, and I sincerely hope that Franco inserts some sort of mind control chip into Jason or gives him a peg leg in his sleep or shaves that weird CO999X or whatever it was into his pubic hair. Can you tell I'm desperate for entertainment?

Oh, nice use of my friend Constance Towers last week. NOT.

[Holly]

I tried.. really tried hard to get back into this soap. This soap that I started watching in 1979. This soap that I stuck with for decades even when the Mob took over. This soap that I watched religiously right after Edge of Night for years. God I miss Edge of Night!

I've DVR's two weeks of episodes and I've only been able to make it through maybe 30 minutes total. I thought this soap was going to make a big turn around to focus more on the hospital and the Quartermaines???

They've lost me again. Thanks so much Garin Wolf.

[uliis]

Janaynay, I think everyone has given up on JJ's grooming habits.

[realbrenda4evr]

I don't care about the length of Lucky's hair. At this point, I just want him to bathe.

[Judy]

I believe that in the grand scheme of things there is one true reason for the existence of GH: To provide inspiration for Mallory's hilarious pen.

"But not even that was wholly enjoyable because there was Franco, painting something ugly while wearing a lei, the most threatening of all accessories."

You are a treasure, Mallory. Thanks for the laughs!